how do you tell a friend you don't want to be friends anymore??

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 13, 2015 at 10:33 pm #79830

tran
Participant

I’ve felt so guilty about this, which is why I need some advice on it. Ive been “best friends” with this girl for a few years but to be honest she’s always sort of annoyed me. She’s really loyal and thinks shes being helpful a lot of she doesn’t listen to people’s point of view and acts like she knows everything most of the time. i’ve tried to tell her this but she thinks she’s just being a good friend who tells you want you need to hear. i feel like she’s always judging me and i can’t be myself or share my deepest thoughts and feelings without her sort of one uping me with something more insightful and intelligent. every time i hang out with her now she always gets this judgmental, snarky look on her face every time i do something less than “normal”. the thing is, she’s the type who only acts that way with certain people. with some of our mutual friends who she “can’t say anything bad to” she’s more insecure around so she is known as more quiet. so this tells me she thinks lower of me and its easier to share her real critical thoughts with me. its annoying because no one else except a couple of other friends she’s treated this way notice this about her. so if im the one who ends the friendship i look like the bad guy in our friends eyes.

the problem is she thinks shes being a good friend and is oblivious but she doesn’t realize how much she needs to learn. how do i talk to her about this and friend breakup with her? i want her to realize how she’s hurting me but i think she’ll believe she’s the “victim” here. i think we are also growing apart, and there are certain people who may just benefit from her type of “mothering” friendship than me. i just don’t want to look like the bitch. its hard because every time she calls me or something now i just get this tightness and nervousness and i just don’t think we’re on the same wavelength. her defense she doesn’t pick up well on what she does wrong so maybe i should be more direct and blunt with her and maybe that’s all she needs? our friendship stresses me out.

July 14, 2015 at 3:53 am #79832

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Gypsy,

As you have a circle of mutual friends whom you do see often (i assume), it wont be a good idea to be so blunt. It might just back-fire and she will appear as the victim for caring too much apparently. My suggestion is the following –

1) Tactfully avoid her – there must be some members in the group who you hang out with more frequently at events, invite them more, talk to them more, tell her less about your life and be a little vague. If she starts getting all upset and questioning, just smile and tell her that everything is okay. Over time, the distance will increase and the friendship will naturally grow apart. You can always maintain the stance that you have no idea what happened as you still care about her but be highly diplomatic. There is no point throwing anger tantrums or being aggressive.

2) Share less, listen more. If you dont tell, she has less scope to judge. Get busy in something new so that there is less chance of meeting, talking. Also if she calls, dont answer back. Text and say you are busy and will call back later, then just talk via messenger for 5 mins. Slowly, but very firmly, start establishing certain boundaries.

If all of this fails, tell her point blank that you dont like the fact that she listens less and advises more. Friendship isnt about agreeing or putting our foot down for our friend’s welfare, sometimes its more about being there for the person though we neither agree nor understand them. If you are indeed doing something utterly dangerous, then she has every right to tell you but there is no point in her judging every other act of yours. Thats her problem, not yours. Friendship is also about acceptance and understanding, people change over the years and we have to get used to it.

Regards,
Moon

July 14, 2015 at 4:56 am #79834
Inky
Participant
Hi gypsystar7,

Do everything Moongal says.

With us chicks, Talking About It/Dumping Her Directly can actually destroy the friendship if not leave carnage and the cost of war everywhere LOL.

The most important thing to do is to Change the Script (you being vague, giving her NO ammunition). Also, can you go on a trip? Fill up your time more? Change your schedule? Hang out with other friends? Say, “I’m not good company right now”? Get a “clogged ear from swimming” = “Whut? I can’t hear you!” Say, “I’m doing a practice of Talking Less and Listening More” (hint, hint, friend)?

Oh, I could go on and on! LOL! I have shed a friend or two in my lifetime, and no matter what, it WILL be awkward. But hopefully your friend will get a clue on her own!

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
July 14, 2015 at 7:27 am #79837

Anonymous
Guest

Dear gypsystar7:

My advice is different than the ones you got above. My feel for it is very different: drop her like hot potatoes is my feel. All I need to read is: “i just get this tightness and nervousness” when around her, and that: “she’s hurting me.”

That is all I need to say: get away from her or get her away from you. Why says we have to get along with everyone? Why? Okay, if she was your minor daughter, then I would suggest psychotherapy because you … have to get along with your own minor daughter- you are even legally obligated..- but anyone else, why? One more exception is an employer, sometimes, people above you at work, then tactful behavior may be wise. But anyone else- be it a parent, a family memeber, a friend, anyone- why harm ourselves?

I feel strongly about this because I was very harmed by certain people and i wish I got away from them long, long ago.

It is not your job to take care of her, to fix her- it is your job to take care of yourself. I would tell her point blank what I feel- even copy and print your post here- that is clear enough, honest enough and give her that gift of honesty. Or otherwise.

Or otherwise, do it any which way that is best to work for you but do not endure her company, no reason to. And it doesn’t matter what she thinks (she will probably disagree… don’t you think? She already disagrees with WHO you are, a bummer for any potential relationship) and what others think- the other friends- well,

what you think is most important. You have to live with that space in between your ears, not with the spaces between THEIR ears- that would be a greater nightmare…
anita

July 15, 2015 at 5:40 pm #79922

nev99
Participant

Hi gypsystar7,
I read this and immediately felt like I needed a bit more context to fully understand the situation. First of all, how on earth can you be ‘best friends’ with someone who’s always ‘sort of annoyed you’?! Can you give us some examples? If you guys have been best friends for a few years, maybe this girl feels it necessary to demonstrate that through trying to give advice. There must have been some happy times in your friendship to be so close to this girl for a decent amount of time. Where did you guys meet, school / uni? Perhaps it’s a simple case of crossed wires and she genuinely believes her input is helping you.
On the other hand, those feelings of ‘tightness and nervousness’ should definitely not be ignored. If she really is hurting you, I’d say you need to take a deep breath and be assertive – however hard it might be. I’ve recently cut out a few toxic people from my life: quality over quantity really is the case with friends.
Maybe try communicating your frustrations and see if that changes anything.
All the best!

December 25, 2022 at 10:51 am #412625

uggggggggg
Participant

What if your friend does something that makes u fell bad?, one of my friend that I told I do not longer wanna be friends he burst out crying any help?

thank you.

December 25, 2022 at 11:00 am #412628

Anonymous
Guest

Dear uggggggg:

You told one of your friends that you no longer want to be friends with him, and “he burst out crying”. Would you like to share more: how long have you been friends with him, what was the nature of the friendship, and why did you decide that you no longer what to be friends with him?

anita
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