I hear and can appreciate the adage that you cannot expect a relationship to make you happy, that happiness comes from within. You have to make yourself happy first. That a relationship is your mirror, a relationship reflects you in your most raw form. And if you’re happy its on you, not the relationship.

Yet I have trouble grappling with deciphering when a relationship isn’t working, or that it’s not the relationship and instead it is my own perspective I need to change.

There is a litany of issues that are very disappointing to me in my relationship, things that I feel are severely lacking (in spite of our repeated communication post fights about each and every one of them) yet everything I read suggests that I need to change my perspective, that I need to accept my partner for how she is, that I need to have gratitude for what I have, etc, etc, etc.

Yet I feel like this relationship is not a good one. It is miserable. When she goes away, I am happy – I do things on my own – even go out to eat or to movies or the mall. Walk on the beach. Sit at home and read. Make meals that I want to make (that she doesn’t like). Meet up with friends or have them over. Watch the silly shows that she doesn’t want to watch and I laugh out loud even though only my dog can hear me. I feel light and good, not lonely. I don’t feel stressed or unhappy.

How does one decide that a relationship is not for them, when so much of the blogs here and elsewhere that I read suggest that it’s your own expectations, and your own flaws that are causing the problem and that I should work on releasing expectations, becoming more tolerant, letting go and accepting what is. Is it not possible that we are both good people but we just aren’t good for each other and that our relationship doesn’t work? When is it really the relationship and not trying to work on yourself to make the relationship work? When is it tricking yourself into settling?

So confused…