Max,

If I’m getting too personal, let me know – but have you ever considered getting a script for an anti-depressant? I’m not sure how you feel about taking medication, or if you are currently on any, so please excuse me if I’m offending you in any way.

I have been on, and am currently on one now. I have experienced depression and anxiety attacks in the past, and I know how debilitating it can be. You aren’t really focusing on the present, and on being present; so the thoughts that are running through your head right now are taking over, and they’re paralyzing you. It’s easy to tell yourself that you just won’t think about what’s bothering you, and that you’ll be ok – but you and I both know that isn’t going to work. I’m only suggesting getting a script because it helped me, and it could possibly help you too.

A few years ago, when I was still married, I experienced a traumatic event. My ex (who is in the military) was court martialed for having an inappropriate relationship with a trainee. He was convicted, and his sentence included a severe reduction in rank, as well as confinement time. Because of his reduction in rank, I had to move out my own home…because I could no longer afford to live there. I had to sell a lot of our belongings in order to pay off any debt and to get our house packed up and moved into storage. I ended up driving cross country to my parents home so that my daughter and I could live rent and utilities free until my ex was released from confinement. At that time, the worst part for me wasn’t the fact that he cheated again or that he was even court martialed – it was the fact that I didn’t even KNOW he had gotten himself into trouble, and that he was even going through a court martial (some previous co-workers of his at the last base we were stationed at, were flown down to attend his trial as character witnesses, and they were the ones that showed up on my doorstep to tell me what had happened, and what was going on behind my back for the past few months).

At that time, I was going through a whirlwind of emotions. I was a train wreck, to say the least. I was in shock. I was in denial. I was angry. I was hurt. I was sad. I was hopeful. Every single day was different, and the emotions that came over me were literally like a roller coaster – they’d go up and down, up and down, up and down…and I drove myself crazy. I became severely depressed, and eventually I turned into a vegetable. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t get out of my bed. I didn’t eat anything and started wasting away. I spent the next several months lying there, ruminating about the past: what had happened, why he lied to me, why he did what he did, if the girl he messed around with was prettier than me or smarter than me or funnier than me. I drove myself crazy wondering what it was about me that wasn’t satisfactory. I started blaming myself. My life at that moment in time was focused on what had happened in the past, while in the mean time, my present was flying right by me. I remember one day where I became really anxious and had an attack…and I panicked. I seriously thought that I was going to die…it was overwhelming. I couldn’t breathe. My heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t think clearly. One day I just couldn’t take feeling like that anymore – I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I called my PCM and made an appointment to get a referral for counseling. It was then that I was first put on medication.

Medication doesn’t make the pain go away, but it did/does help me manage my symptoms. I still went to counseling and I still cried. I still had thoughts running through my head every now and then…but at least the medication helped me control some of the things I didn’t want to feel…at least I could put more of my energy into what was going on in my present.

Something else that made it especially difficult for me to cope then (and even now) is that I have no friends here locally that I can call up and meet with, whenever I want company or need someone to talk to. It’s very lonely for me at times…I do not have a close knit group of friends here that I can reach out to…at times it can make me feel unnecessarily sorry for myself (pity party!) which upsets me even more than I already am. If I could suggest anything else to you Max, is that you please reach out to your friends and talk to them. Tell them what you’re going through and what you are feeling. Let them remind you of the person you once were, before all of this happened…and let that be a part of your motivation to get well. If not, force yourself to go out and have fun by yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t let your thoughts paralyze you, like they did mine…and don’t become a vegetable.

So you got a little more of my history…and its crazy…and definitely even crazier how I allowed that past of mine to creep back up into my present.

I feel for what you are going through Max, and I hope you can find some comfort in what I’ve said. In no way am I trying to downplay what you are going through – pain is pain. I know it’s HARD and it can seem like you’ll never come back up to the surface for air – but if anything, you could always read my story, and use it as a reminder to yourself that things could always be much, much worse. You will come back up for air Max…know this. Know that one day you will wake up, and you will not feel like this anymore.

Stay strong and rest well Max, you deserve it.

Until next time…

– Jenny