Dear Anita,

“excess, ongoing fear from long ago… and now, you have to be, over time, that strong, capable person that you always needed and did not have.” Yes, I do. I guess I’ve known that for a while now. I’ve always felt like I couldn’t rely on others but myself, and when it comes to my social anxiety I really am the only one that can help myself in the sense that the way I react to my anxiety is what either helps me improve or keeps me stuck.

“Focus on overall progress, not perfection.” This is something I will have to keep in mind.

Today was my first day of class this semester and I am pleasantly surprised to say that I didn’t feel much anxiety at all. It was nothing compared to the previous years.

I made sure that last night I was calm, not anxious. I knew that if I let my anxiety take hold of me, that it would make it much more difficult in the morning. I guess a lot of my anxiety has to do with my expectations of what could happen, anticipation. So I ran two miles, I usually jog or walk, but I felt I had tension building up somewhat so I ran. It felt good, and even when my body was tired of running, my mind was not, so I kept running. Unfortunately, by not listening to my body I strained a muscle on my leg. After that I decided to check my schedule, the class roster (to get a feel of who the people could be, as if their names could give away anything), I looked at the bus schedule, and I spent more than 30 minutes trying to find out where exactly in the building my classes would be. Struggling to find my classes really built up my anxiety. Once I found out where my classes would be, I planned out how I would walk to my class the next day. I decided I was already feeling much too anxious too my liking, so I sat down and watched a tv series that I really enjoy, and I had some passion flower tea that is supposed to relax your mind and muscles. I don’t know if it really worked because it really does do what it advertises, or because I felt like it worked, so it did. What matters is that it worked for me. I wasn’t able to sleep much because of the pain in my leg, so I was up early and started feeling anxious. The tea worked last night so I thought I’d drink some this morning. I wasn’t worried about forgetting anything because I had made sure to have everything in my backpack ready for the next day, so I was ready to go. On the way to school I focused on being mindful. I focused on the cars, the road, the bridges, etc. Once I got to school I even forgot to put in my earbuds (I always have to have earbuds when I am out at school and don’t have anyone to talk to, it makes me feel less overwhelmed). I went to the bookstore, atm, and walked around to find my classes, and then I took a seat in one of the lounging area, with a clear view of the outside. I still had about 50 minutes left before class started so I just checked my email, deleted some old pictures, etc. I then saw someone in the lounge area looking outside, so I thought, “I’m going to focus on what I see.” I wasn’t anxious, and was able to keep myself sitting there, until about 17 minutes before class during which I checked on my leg and freshened up a bit. The hallway was full of people, and while I would usually feel intimidated, this time it didn’t bother me. I waited for the teacher to arrive and I sat in the front row, something I hadn’t attempted previously. I just didn’t want to sit in the back and look like a slacker. I wasn’t nervous or anxious. The professor was friendly enough, and she used me and a couple of other people in my row to make examples of favoritism, phone policies, team work, etc and I was fine with it. I didn’t have to stand up or anything, but even then, that sort of attention makes me heat up like a tomato, not this time. I was however, very conscious of myself, my actions. I was very aware of the people in the same row as me, the position of my arms, my surroundings. The professor talked about the group project and said “if you find yourself not having a group, come see me and I will pair you with a group who I think you will fit in well” and while I hoped I wouldn’t have to resort to that, it made me feel better. I thought to myself that I’d worry about it when the time came. Then for my next class I was running a little late, luckily it was only half of the people from my first class, 24, and so I didn’t feel so intimidated going in. I was one of the last ones, but I still felt comfortable. Luckily, the guy in the group I sat in was cracking jokes and being funny, talking to me a bit, and I felt included, even though I felt that the girls at the other table were not amused. I was glad to not feel nervous or anxious. I felt aware, of myself, of others. Even waiting for the bus, I did not feel as paranoid as I usually do. It was a good day.

So in light of that, I was thinking that a great part of my anxiety comes from anticipation, anticipation of talking to other, anticipation of feeling lost, anticipation of getting mugged, etc. Once I was able to calm down that anticipation, the actual moments were a lot better. The mindfulness certainly helped.

Also, I believe it helped that I got out a lot of my worries before the actual day, that I planned it out and stuck with it, otherwise I know I would have certainly been a mess. Had I not found the school map, or figured out where to find the lounge area, I would have been anxious no doubt. Another thing that helped was knowing that someone else knew about my issue and that I was able to find forums with other people whose problem was worse than mine. It put things in perspective. Also, what I did different than last time was that instead of telling myself to not feel anxious, I told myself that it was all right, that it was going to be okay, that I would do fine and that it would all work out. That positive self talk helped, a lot.