3 Ways to Know When a Relationship Isn’t Right for You

Unhappy couple

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” ~Lao Tzu

I was going out with a wonderful man. He was generous and caring and had a great sense of humor. He treated me well and attended to my every need.

But something just wasn’t right. I battled with myself for over a month.

Every time a fear surfaced about how quickly things were moving, I smoothed it over with a shrug or a hug or a reminder of how lucky I was to have found someone with whom to share my life.

My logical mind told me that he was perfect, that I was self-sabotaging, and that I was afraid of commitment. Yet another part of me questioned the depth of my feelings for him.

I worried about our different beliefs and how they could cause problems down the line.

I was exhausted. I started biting my fingernails. I got sick. I even experienced random pains all over.

But I wasn’t listening to my body because I was overwhelmed with the noise of the chatter inside my head.

I could not stop the thoughts. And then, one day, I decided that I had a choice. I could simply stop thinking. I would listen to my intuition instead. Immediately, I felt calmer and more myself. I was able to enjoy life again.

Above all else, I was relieved. In that moment, I realized that the relationship was over. Well, according to me it was.

Now, all I had to do was break it to him. Of course, it was difficult. We were both hurting.

I hated letting him down, but I could not live a lie. So, I mustered up the courage to finish a partnership that appeared perfect on paper.

It wasn’t what he wanted. But a couple of weeks later, he texted to say that, although he wished it hadn’t ended, he was also glad that it had. In other words, despite the suffering, he now realized that we weren’t well suited. 

Looking back, perhaps he had had a similar gut feeling but wasn’t aware of it, or had chosen to ignore it. Either way, I did both of us a favor by listening to myself and bringing the relationship to an end.

I closed the door on an apparently perfect partnership, but now I am open to something else, which will be more in alignment with who I am and what I desire.

If you’re agonizing about whether or not to stay with your partner, follow these three steps:

1. Sit in silence.

When life is loud and fast and nonstop, it’s easy to slide into the next month, year, and even decade with someone you’re not sure about.

Take some time out to sit with how you’re feeling. Are you happy? Healthy? Enthusiastic about life? Or are you ill, moody, or depressed?

When you know how you are, you’ll know how best to proceed. You don’t have to figure out all the answers the first time you meditate, but the more you slow down and pay attention to how you’re feeling, the more authentic your life and your relationships will become.

2. Listen.

Now that you’re getting in touch with your body and emotions, you can listen to what they’ve been trying to tell you.

Life Coach Cristina Merkley says that, luckily, we have a built in system that alerts us when we’re in alignment with our Inner Being (and what we truly desire) and when we are not. This invaluable system is our emotions.

For over a month, I was mostly unhappy. I was tired and sick and in pain. When I finally started listening to myself, I was able to acknowledge that I wasn’t in alignment with my true self. I’m grateful that my body (and my emotions) won’t allow me to stay in a situation that isn’t right for me.

And never underestimate the accuracy of your intuition. I’ve rationalized things until my brain was ready to burst but it’s effortless when I go with my gut.

3. Check in with yourself when you’re with your partner.

And ask yourself the following questions:

When you’re in the company of your loved one, do you feel energized or drained? This is an excellent indicator as to whether or not to keep him or her in your life.

Do you feel good about yourself when your partner is around, or does your other half bring out the worst in you?

Are you growing emotionally and spiritually as a result of being with this person? Or has this part of your life begun to stagnate?

How about your partner? Are you enhancing his/her life? Or are you fighting so much that there’s no time for anything else?

Can you be yourself with this person? Or are you trying to be someone you think your partner wants? If this is the case, it’s never going to last.

Do you feel genuine love, friendship, and respect for your partner? Or are you staying in it because you’re afraid that, if you don’t settle, you’re guaranteed a lonely existence? 

Bring awareness to how you’re feeling when you’re with your partner. If it feels good, it probably is. And if it feels uneasy or unpleasant, it may be time to set yourself (and your partner) free.

Bear in mind that not all uncomfortable feelings signify that you should end the relationship. These feelings could be a reflection of underlying fears of intimacy or a self-limiting belief that you don’t deserve happiness or that nothing good ever lasts.

If you’re unsure, repeat steps one and two.

When your partner is ticking most of those proverbial boxes, it can be easier to stay in the relationship. At least you have someone who will look after you, who will send you sweet messages, and cuddle you on the couch.

It’s scary to have to re-enter the big bad world of singledom and dating. But it’s also exciting. And you will be rewarded for being true to yourself and for honoring your ex enough to admit that you’re not the one for them.

Photo credit: © Alotofpeople | Sad Couple On Beach Photo

About Sharon Vogiatzi

Sharon Vogiatzi teaches Positive Living groups in Newbridge, Ireland. She is a qualified Acupuncturist and Reiki practitioner and has a BA in Journalism and German. Read more of her work at or check out her Facebook page.

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  • Caydenly

    That is why I believe that dating slow is the best option.

    When you date slowly, you take a long term view of the situation. Instead of letting your relationship be affected by the short incidents in your life, you get to properly assess objectively, if the cause of your negative feelings is because of your relationship, or because of other events in your life.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Good point, Caydenly.

  • Csaba

    This is so true for me right now. I just started college 2 months ago. I met this truly beautiful girl, who I’m really attracted to nad I know she is to me too (She is showing me the sings). We go home after school every time together, we are haveing great time. Yet when I’m alone and think about starting a relationship, I get paralized and full of fear. It may be because my past relationship was horrible. I’m too scared to act, because if it wont work out, we will still see eachother every school day and it would be horrible to be like that. Yet every time when I’m with her I feel wonderful. Have you ever been in a situation like this?

  • norene

    Im in a relationship for 5 yrs things got worse instead of better we are constly fighting im very unhappy headaches all the time i cant be me around him i use 2 very out going but if even say hi 2 the oppiste sex he acuses me an im far from a flirt I dont know the first step to let him go every time i build strenghth and i tell myself im done its like he knows and comes at me with sweet nothings and it last for a little while then were back were we started very confused need help please!

  • porterman

    Thank you so much for this piece, Sharon. I’ve been dealing with a lot of the same issue, although rather than a month, its been a year… caydenly’s point about dating slowly is a good one, we went too fast and now I’m not so sure. Oh well. i will figure it out eventually. Thanks again!

  • Debbie Bills

    Great tips Sharon on relationships. If it doesn’t feel right than usually it isn’t. I had to learn this the hard way, but ended up with 3 beautiful daughters, so guess it wasn’t a complete mistake. One of the big signs to me is the moving to fast.
    Good luck and thanks for sharing and being smart enough to wait for the right one. You are going to be glad you did.

  • I actually read this article from the perspective of my current job. It’s amazing how well it fits – and now I know this isn’t the job for me! Time to stop agonizing and get going. Thank you for this – so simple, yet powerful.

  • maestro83

    These are definitely true. There was a guy I dated for 9 months and while I thought things between us were good; the last couple months I realized something was different and I had contemplated that we weren’t right for each other. He started feeling the same way and when he told me he was done I wasn’t as sad as I thought I’d be. Several days later I thought about it and realized, we weren’t right for each other and not sure how we made it to 9 months. But as the saying goes…..things happen for a reason and people come into your life for a reason….

  • Kate

    I too feel this way. Mine has been 3 years. Best of luck Norene!

  • Kary

    Hi! I loved this post, and loved you comment, Caydenly. My 5 year relationship has ended this week, after months of thinking and doubting everything. But in the back of my mind, the doubt was always there. I just didn’t wanna see it. We were good friends, made each other laugh, it was kinda easy to be around – but it could only last inside the bubble. Away from friends, family, work, problems, we got just fine. But when reality settles, the bubble becomes unsustainable. And exactly at this moment i’m listening to Yes, and it’s playing Make it easy. It’s actualy about a relationship that has it’s ups and downs (still don’t know it that’s my case), but it says “You make it easy. Take it slow.” I will bring this to my life, thanks to this moment.

  • Kiki

    Hi Sharon,
    I am glad that you put that caveat in at the end that said that not all uncomfortable feelings are a signal to end a relationship. I struggle with the opposite problem as it is very easy for me to be in relationships in which I can be inauthentic as I then do not have to confront the very scary intimacy of opening up and becoming vulnerable to someone. I went through my teens and twenties dating men who I cared literally nothing about and those relationships were easy peasy for me as I could act however I wanted to act with no accountability. However, now for the first time, I am in a real, substantive, loving relationship and for the first 4 months I was scared sh**less! Thankfully my sister knew my pattern of inauthenticity in my previous relationships and encouraged me to go to counseling to discover the root cause of my fear of intimacy. After exploring that, I am currently going on year 4 with my love who is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. Being with him has helped me grow and confront my past and my demons and hangups in a way that I never would have had to if I had “listened to my gut” initially. Many of us have self-protective mechanisms in place from our childhoods or past experiences that feel “authentic” like, “I’m not a relationship person”, “men are not to be trusted”, “I love’m and leave’m” etc. which can prevent us from discovering alternatives and healthier ways to live our lives.

  • Katie

    I also read this with my job in mind, and have realised exactly the same…. Time to break up this unhappy relationship and go and find the place I’m meant to be! Good luck 🙂

  • yodayoga

    I was in a relationship for three years that did not feel quite right from the beginning but I consistently ignored my intuition and worked on “making us right.” As time went on, there was more negative re-enforcement than positive. I kept thinking, I had never been in a committed long-term relationship of this length, so I must try harder to make it work. Finally I woke up to the difficult realization that I was not being truthful with myself. I realized I was limiting myself by accepting/staying in a relationship that would ultimately make me happy “only if…” such and such would change. “Things will be different when…” we said to ourselves over and over again. Now I know that all relationships take work, but you HAVE TO be happy in the present, and not allow your happiness to be predicated on something that must change.

  • Sarah Houghton

    Kiki, I relate to this so much! For years, I picked friends and romantic partners that were self-absorbed because it was “safer” for me to be the listener or the nurturer. I sort of accidentally made a friend that was as interested in me as I was in her, and it totally blew my mind. That kind of true friendship helped me learn to trust and be vulnerable in both friendships and romantic relationships. Congratulations to you for confronting your fears!!

  • Diane

    This is very timely. After 19 years of marriage (officially next week), I’ve been having doubts if this will last another 19 years. It’s hard to articulate my frustration and terrifying to think about living on my own after being with him for 23 years. Will do my best to honestly answer the questions you posed above and find the courage to see things through.

  • John Rush

    I loved your post today! I had gone through something exactly like this about 5 or 6 weeks ago now. You described everything that had happened. He actually ended the relationship, and he now knows it was due to fear of intimacy but he set me free I am soaring and blooming. So many great things have happened since the end that I can not even think of going back. It’s a difficult thing to go through, but when we let things happen naturally we can experience amazing things.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Hi Kiki,
    Thanks for the comment and thanks for your honesty.
    That’s very true so it is important to be able to distinguish between what’s real and what’s just a defence mechanism. That’s why it’s essential to be able to slow down in order to give yourself enough space to listen to what it is you really want and what’s right for you.
    I’m delighted things are going well for you in your relationship.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Hi Kary,
    Thanks for the comment.
    That’s interesting what you say about how your relationship could only last inside the bubble. I’ve experienced that too. It’s wonderful when you are with someone who is right for you, in the good and the challenging times, someone who fits in with your life and those close to you, and who you can be independent of too at times. That’s what a healthy relationship is like.
    Wishing you the best of luck in this time.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Wow Cara, I’m delighted you were able to apply the tips to a different aspect of life and that you found it insightful! Best of luck with your new adventure!

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Same to you, Katie. Best of luck and enjoy the journey!
    Sharon 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thank you, John.
    You’re so right. It can be difficult and painful to let go of something we’ve become attached to but, once we do, it opens us up to something even better, more suitable, and more exciting.
    Well done and enjoy!

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Dear Diane,
    Thank you for your comment and for your honesty.
    I’m glad you found the article thought-provoking.
    Best of luck in discovering what’s right for you.
    Sharon 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your comment and your honesty.
    You’re right, relationships do need to be worked at. But if they are inauthentic for us and are causing more pain than joy, it definitely is time to take a look at what’s going on for us and what we need to do in order to get back into alignment with what’s right for us right now.
    Best of luck!

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    That’s so true. Everything happens for a reason. We learn from some people and then our journey together is complete. It’s just the attachment to the idea of how we think something should be that causes us suffering. The fact that you weren’t as sad as you thought you’d be is a great indication that you are being true to yourself.
    Thank you for your comment.
    Sharon 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your lovely comment, Debbie.
    You’re right, it wasn’t a mistake. Everything happens for a reason. You have 3 beautiful daughters and you’ve learned and grown so much as a result.
    And you’re right about not moving too fast also.
    Thanks again.
    Sharon 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your comment.
    Yes, that’s something that I will definitely take with me about taking things slow.
    Best of luck with whatever you decide is right for you.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    It can be very confusing to be in a situation like that so I feel for you, Norene.
    Take some time for yourself if possible just so you can check in with yourself and how you’re feeling. You don’t have to make any rash decisions. Be gentle with yourself, love yourself, and listen to yourself. Best of luck!

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Best of luck to you too, Kate.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your comment.
    I know how it feels to be paralysed with fear. But what’s past is past so there’s no need to bring it into the present. It’s a different time and this girl is not your ex.
    Be present as much as possible, enjoy yourself and take your time getting to know this girl, always checking in with how you’re feeling.
    Good luck.

  • CalGirl

    So so true! I feel part of the problem is that we are always on ‘auto pilot’, and are not paying attention to how we FEEL…..It’s caffeine, newspaper, internet, rushing and rushing through life without feeling who and what the hell we actually are!

    Great article 🙂

  • lv2terp

    Wonderful post!!! Thank you for sharing your experience, and such wonderful tips to really find what is the truth within us! 🙂 It is so tough to make a decision that hurts someone else, especially when they can’t see the bigger picture yet, and not having faith that they will ultimately be led to a better place/relationship…I appreciate this post today, thank you for sharing your message!!! 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thank you 🙂
    Yes, it’s so important to slow down and listen to ourselves…

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your comment.
    Exactly, it’s easy to worry more about how the other person will cope. But you’re not doing the other person (or yourself) any favours by staying in a relationship that just isn’t right.

  • Tara Crowley

    Entering a new dating relationship, I’m stripping it down to the real essentials: what role does a relationship have in my life; what role do I want it to have? I do not want to repeat my past, and so I am determined to take it slowly and actually TALK about the things that make me uncomfortable. Better now, for all concerned. How they respond to my inquiries is telling me what kind of person they are. And the all important thing: I love myself enough to know when to let go this time. Finally.

  • Jimageddon

    As a guy I ask myself just one question. Do I feel the need/want to strive to make every day for her better than the one before? It’s either yes or no. There are of course variables that go into that question but at the end of the day either you are passionately inspired to create wonder for her daily, or you’re not. I would not want to give someone any less than all of me.

  • Tina J~

    This is a great perspective and one that is hardly ever shared or even considered by most people. What you describe here is something I also went through in my last relationship. It seemed like a great relationship on paper, and I truly love him, but something was just not right about it. I was not myself throughout the duration of our time together – about ten months and another five trying to work it out. I had been single for awhile before that, and I blamed it on myself and simply decided that I am just “not good” at being in a relationship. I prefer being single, don’t I? That’s what I think anyway. Or maybe I just need to be with someone who wants to grow emotionally and spiritually in similar ways? I really don’t know the answer to that at the present time. The only difference between what you describe was in my case he was not as understanding, and although I am sure he is glad now looking back that we did end it, at the time he saw it as me “lying” during the time we were together, which was absolutely not the case. But a friend of mine really put it in perspective when she said, if someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship, they shouldn’t be in one – it doesn’t matter what the reason is or how great of a person the other person is, or if the other person’s feelings will get hurt, if you don’t want to be in a relationship, you have to be honest with yourself about that.

  • Tristan

    Hi Sharon

    I agree with it all but sometimes it is so hard to differentiate between fear of intimacy and a relationship not being right. I split up with my girlfriend 2 months ago (twice within 3 weeks) as for quite a while I had this gnawing feeling it wasn’t right. However after the final split I had a huge awareness a lot of the doubt, jealousy and judgement I created in the relationship probably came down to the abuse I suffered as a child which my girlfriend had previously encouraged me to get help for, but which I was to scared/proud to do. I have since gone in to therapy and done intense inner work. I have found that the way I am so cruel to myself, so unloving of myself, with a fearful yet strong need for intimacy that no wonder I projected these inner states outward to her. Trouble is I still miss her like crazy, I wrote her an email a couple of weeks back telling her so and the response was quite hostile. The gnawing feeling of doubt I attributed to her still remains but now to the loss of her. I wish I had gone into therapy when she was encouraging me to do it. Not sure quite what to do now but most of the time I do regret leaving. When I manage to get myself to a place of self love I think I’ll be ok and hope for a future reconciliation or a new partner, when I am in fear I think it was the biggest mistake of my life. These same two polarities were evident when I was with her; when I was in a place of love everything was incredible, when I was in a place of fear I felt doubt, judgement etc. Staying in a place of love can be the hardest thing to do and making rational judgements based on feelings that can fluctuate so wildly can be so frustrating! What I’d give for her to get in touch. Such a painful yet profound teacher this thing called life!

  • dfog

    I just got out of the longest relationship I ever been in and I’m still in tremendous pain/grief but feeling much better. I think what has been causing my pain is this idea that it could’ve worked out if he or I had committed more to changing and being more suitable for the other partner. Sure we were on different wavelengths, and I was unsatisfied with the way things were, but we could be happy if “X changed to Y” or “Y to Z.” In the post-break up, I sometimes feel my growth is being stunted by these thoughts. Your post beautifully captured the thought process I need to go through to overcome these feelings. It’s important to be happy in the present than live in unhappiness for an uncertain future.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your comment. I’m glad the post helped.
    Yes, it’s often the idea that we’re attached to that causes us the most pain and suffering.
    Best of luck with everything.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks Jim. That sounds lovely. And of course it’s very important to make yourself happy too 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    That sounds just great Tara. I’m so glad you love yourself. And yes, communication is key! Good luck and enjoy.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Hi Tristan,
    Thanks for your comment.
    That’s the challenge – to figure out whether it’s our issues (i.e. fear of intimacy, history of abuse, etc.) or if it’s just that the particular relationship isn’t right.
    I’m glad that you’ve taken the courageous step to get help and love yourself in order to move forward with your life. Things can only get better. Either with this lady or someone else entirely. But the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.
    Good luck 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your comment, Tina.
    I’ve wondered that too but I would definitely prefer to be single than be in a relationship that isn’t right for me.
    I wish you the best of luck. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey 🙂

  • KevGeo

    You should be happy too.

  • Romi

    3. “Check in with yourself when you’re with your partner” I’ve asked myself time to time all those questions that you have mention in your post and result is always the same. I am in very unhealthy relationship for last 10 years and even though I knew this relationship is not going to work but I don’t know what to do? I need HELP! I have been with her for a decade and I have tried every possible things to make her happy but nothing last more than few days. I am 39 years old and belong to a family where divorce is not an option. On the other hand she does whatever she wants to do but if I do the same thing all hell break loose. I am not here to portrait her as a bad person I am here at 12:36am to look for some piece of information that I applied to my relationship and might get a positive outcome. I read all the comments below and hats off to those people who made a right decision on right time. It’s very hard to let go the relationship even the bad ones. I have read once “It’s always better to let go of a bad relationship than hold on when you see no happiness at the end of the tunnel”. I understand a bad relationship can do more harm than good for you but in my situation where my family values stopping me going to an extend where divorce is the only solution. Any piece of advice!!!!

  • Matt Dyne

    I want to express my tremendous gratitude and appreciation for you and your wonderful post. I’m going through a break-up right now, and this reminder is exactly what I needed to remember to be present and mindful about my body, emotions, and spirit. It was devastating to let someone go I love and care about so deeply, and sometimes the pain disguises/manifests itself as regret. But I believe the quote at the beginning of the article is very true, and I’m thankful for the wake-up call about my attachment/dependency on another person for self-“happiness.” I care about body and mind too much to settle for feelings of incompleteness and emptiness. I’m excited to focus on me.

  • Raine

    It’s your life, and you must do what makes you happy! You’re only 39 do you want to live the rest of your life unhappy? It might shock your family initially, but with time I think people learn to accept.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    I’m so glad to hear the article helped, Matt. And yes, it is exciting to focus on yourself. Enjoy 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for you honest and open comment.
    You have to do what’s right for you. You deserve to be happy. But of course you need time and space to figure that out. Communication is key. Have you discussed all of this with your partner?
    Wishing you the best of luck.

  • En En

    I find that this isn’t applicable to just BGR partnership. It also applies to general relationships with family members, friends, colleagues/bosses. If I may just change the following questions a little bit:

    “Ask yourself the following questions:

    When you’re in the company of another party, do you feel energized or drained? This is an excellent indicator as to whether or not to keep this person in your life.

    Do you feel good about yourself when the other party is around, or does this person bring out the worst in you?

    Are you growing emotionally and spiritually as a result of being with this person? Or has this part of your life begun to deteriorate?

    Can you be yourself with this person? Or are you trying to be someone you think the other party wants? If this is the case, it’s never going to last.”

    What would you do if you feel that there is an expectation for you to meet to become an ideal son/daughter/worker/staff/partner/friend for the other party if this person is of an authoritative figure such as a parent or a boss or even a friend?

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Thanks for your comment. It’s so great to be able to apply the steps to other types of relationships and situations.

  • soo

    Hi Sharon, what you wrote here is very interesting and I totally relate to it in so many ways… I am getting a divorce after 4 years of marriage because I was feeling all those sad negative feelings you mentioned above. I have to tell you although I am very scared to end up alone but I am also very happy because now I am getting in touch again with my true self and I feel like being re-born and I am excited about meeting new people and going on dates again. In a sentence I can say when I read your writing it was as if someone had written all that I faced and felt. It was very helpful and encouraging to me and if you allow me I would like to save it on my computer. Thanks for sharing it. Wish you all the best 🙂

  • Sheri

    I’m in this situation right now and it’s very difficult. I was widowed almost 20 months ago, then 7 months ago I met a wonderful man. We fell in love very, very fast and very, very hard and it was amazing for the first few months. Around the 4th month, things started to get kind of strained as the glow wore off, but we remained very committed to each other and figured it was just the real life stuff creeping in and the business of really getting to know each other. As time has gone on, though, we seem to be more disconnected. We’ve discovered some major incompatibilities and I know that I’m not satisfied with the relationship anymore. It is like you wrote: it all works out on paper, but it just isn’t quite right.

    The situation becomes more complicated, though, because I suffer from depression and also because I was widowed so recently. I’m not sure how well I can trust my judgement because I feel disconnected from most things in my life right now. It’s also hard to know sometimes if it’s really an incompatibility with my boyfriend or if I’m simply comparing him to my late husband. On the other hand, I look back now and wonder how much of that initial passion was because it had been so long since I had love, affection and even sex in my life. At first I felt very much alive again, but now I feel more drained with him. I think a huge part is that I’m just not ready for the relationship that we have. I hadn’t planned to get in to a relationship at all; I had just been looking for casual dating and friendship, so my intense feelings took me by surprise.

    I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. Do I end things to give myself time to complete the healing that I think I didn’t finish? Are our problems really basic incompatibility or are they rooted in my unreadiness and depression? This could be just a bump in the road. If I leave now, I could be missing out on something that could be special again. On the other hand, if I stay it’s also possible that the relationship itself could be part of what’s draining me, contributing to my depression. What do you think?

  • Elmiza

    OMG! This is how exactly I feel about my relationship with my ex-bf for the past few weeks. and right now everything is over. And I’m so free and relieved.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    I’m glad to hear that, Emiza 🙂

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    Hi Sheri,
    Sorry for the delay, I’m just seeing this comment now.
    Ultimately, the answer is within you. I know that may seem frustrating and it’s nice to get someone else’s perspective. It sounds like you need time (to heal, to grieve, to get to know yourself and to love yourself as you are) then you can look at what you desire in a romantic relationship. If the incompatibilities between you are too big and you feel you cannot move past them with this person, then there is your answer.

  • Sharon Vogiatzi

    I’m glad the article helped you and I’m delighted to hear that you’re excited about what lies ahead. I know it’s scary but when you believe you deserve something more in alignment with who you are, then you will attract that into your life. Good luck and enjoy! And of course you can save the post onto your computer 🙂

  • JKidd

    I’ve been in a relationship with the mother of my daughter going on 5 years now. We tend to have a big difference in opinion in how we operate. I’m more analytical she is more care free. I do tend to feel like I get annoyed by a lot of what she does, I recently started with body pains (stomach, chest, headaches) I feel drained and fatigue. At times I don’t see a future with her I do love her and have a special attachment to her that at times I feel could be my daughter. We recently went through a tough argument in which it almost ended our relationship. Although I didn’t want it to end something in the back of my mind was saying it should. Now I’m not sure if this relationship is meant to be we recently decided to come to agreement that will benefit both of us in trying to rebuild our relationship. But I feel I won’t be able to trust enough in where I’m going to constantly be alarmed and wonder if things will go back to being bad. What I’m saying im confused and not sure if I want to fix this because I really care for her or is it just my daughter.

  • nancy

    Hi Sharon,

    I’m in the same situation now. I just broke up with my boyfriend because of my uncertainties (and since I’m uncertain, I don’t know if he’s the one and if I’m ready…). Even we broke up, I’m still very confused and unclear, and I’ll try your method to clear my mind. However, I want to ask you about your experience. What was wrong in that relationship you talked here that you felt? (physical attract or personality fit) How wrong was it that made you called it off? Please share if you don’t mind because it would help me alot.

    Thank you,

  • Ashley

    Thank you so much for this article…

  • sarah

    Thank you so much Sharon. I am dating a man that everyone believes is perfect and that we are so cute together. I realized after 9 months that those compliments were fueling our whole relationship. I have been hurting so much these past few weeks and trying to figure what went wrong or if I was insane for not wanting to be in this relationship anymore. He is so sweet to me, but there is just nothing there. I am so unhappy and I would hate to make him unhappy because I am his first real relationship. After reading your post, I now realize I have to tell him soon. I don’t want to deny myself what I truly want out of life and keep feeling this pain. I am sure he will be crushed, but you’re right- he will someday realize that we were not meant for each other. Life is too short not to be honest, especially with myself.

  • Joe

    This really helps thank you. I’ve struggled with this for a long time but she’s so happy and I just don’t have the courage to end it.

  • NiallOk

    I am in this situation right now. Every day is a bit of a struggle and although there are some good times, they are vastly outnumbered by bad. My problem is that I have bought a house less than 6months ago with this person andmy life feels like it is now out of my control. I am moody, depressed and just want my own company most of the time. What can I do to change this or stop this horrible plunging spiral. My partner is perfect and caring and generous and loving but I know she has major doubts too. I feel utterly lost and confused about what is the right thing to do.

  • Kasey

    What happen if you never truly loved yourself first and just jumped into a relationship.

  • Realization

    Dear ………… I’m in a relationship where I don’t think things are working out. We go to fast and my body is sore each time he kisses me. I’m still a virgin but one time we went near a park and we was making out, and he wanted me to have sex with him. I was thinking his only wants to have sex. I don’t think I should stop calling him. Change my number, and go our seprate ways. So today I’m single, I think I know what he wants. And I know what I want. I’m going to listen to my body and what my body is saying to me. And listen to my feelings because I’m breaking inside. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be happy. True to be happy. But I’m sad, everything is so sad. Every time I call him his always busy. He works right but I just want someone else to make him happy either then my self. I just feel so dirty every time we kiss and make out. I feel so dirty.

  • Realization

    Dear future lover
    See I was happy, but I don’t know now. His one year younger then me. I had an amazing time with him right. He made me feel like I can float in the sky. I still think of him today. But that was when I was 16. He was amazing boyfriend I ever said yes too. But the boyfriend I go out with now. He just hooked up with me and never asked me out. I was waiting for my ex to come back but he never did. I thought we had something right. But I broke up with him because I didn’t know how to keep a boyfriend at that age. I was still trying to learn myself. I dumped him by mistake. Because he pissed me off. But I drift away into a deep deep memories that we shared. Now, years are just going by… I thought a promise would bring him back too me. Now I’m older I’m only 21. Now, I’ll will never see him again his always in my memory. The boyfriend I’m with now. I still feel single. But when I think of my ex I cry for months. I never got to say how I really felt. But If I got the chance to see him. And if he was single I will get with him again now doubt about that. But if he has a girlfriend I wouldn’t break them up no way. I’m not like that. Promise to g.o.d

  • aquafox93

    im with a guy that ive been with for almost two years hes nice weve been best friends for five years im 21 hes 22 our belief systems are similar and we do enjoy each others company and conversation. over the past six months he slowly moved in without me even realizing he did so. shortly after we got together his brother died and I was his rock or I tried my best to be. I feel like I was the one always pursuing him I even said I love you first. id always buy him gifrs and food and suprises and I would get a thank you but not as much as a love note back. not even for my birthday this past march. that is what hurt me out of everything. ever since ive been slowly falling out of love and seeing the reality. ive talked to him a few times about spliting up and he simply disagrees and leaves it alone as if nothing happened. he has no job (he does apply and tried to find one) but hes mever taken me out on a date and its not fair and it makes me so mad that I put up wiwitthis relationship for so long but im emotionally attached and when I try to break up he makes me feel like theres no reason to leave. plus when I think about breaking up I think about all the good times weve had. I tear up because I want more of that. even though I can obviously see this relationship isnt going anywhere I just dont get why I cant let go. I know this isnt an astrology site but I do believe that astrology affects relationships im a pisces w/aquarius moon hes a taurus w/Sagittarius moon. any advice would be amazing though I really dont know how to proceed or if I should wait until we just have a mutual separation? I dont want to lose his friendship 🙁

  • Sky Horton

    i quit my job, left my friends and emigrated to Canada to be with my perceived love of my life. we held down a long distance relationship for a year before i decided to move out there with him to see if it would work. (right from the start i was insure – 1st warning signal) i was so in-love with his gestures of romance and a fun-filled life of adventure and prospeity that it blinded me into thinking i loved him. i did love him dearly for all his kindness but i wasn’t in-love with him, i didn’t feel the same way about him as he did about me. it was killing me. i always had underlying fear and doubts of whether we would work out in the future and the thought of him proposing to me freaked me out. Eventually 3 months into moving i realised i was depressed and not myself. i knew then that enough was enough, that it was not doing me any good kidding myself and talking myself into trying to love him for the sake of loving him cos he’s a good guy. I took the courage to end it with him despite him truly loving me and being the most best friend and person in my life. i was the hardest decision i have ever had to make. but the sense of relief and freedom i felt when i ended it reassured me it was the right choice. i did the steps as stated above and i’m so glad i found this post because it’s so important to listen to your true inner emotions because i’ve learnt you have to be true to yourself and love yourself first before you can love another to be truly happy and content in life.

  • cc

    I’ve been with my husband 21 yrs and we always said once the kids grow up it will b our time….I’ve realised it’s now not what I want , I feel completely numb and the worse person ever because my feelings have changed but he is still so in love with me. How can I hurt such a good man and destroy a family 🙁

  • Tired

    My God. I feel like you are telling my story. I am in a similar state except that the relationship has not yet ended. When I am in the state of fear, its horrible. I just want to be away and feel this is not what I want and then more fear of doubt and judgement. When I think of ending then the fear of future dooms me – what is I regret, what if this is me and not the relationship ? I have been trying so hard to figure things for myself but I am tired now. I dont know what to do. Sometimes, I feel like ending my life. All this has effected me so much that I have finished my career too.

  • Tristan

    Hi Tired, thanks for your comment and I hope you’re ok. As you mention you closely relate to my story it may help you to know that the clouds did pass and now I am happy not being with her. I now know 100% that it was the right decision. I have met other girls who warm my heart and with whom I closely relate, people I would probably never have met had I kept on trying force myself to stick to someone I knew wasn’t right deep down. Sometimes if I’m feeling tired or under-confident my mind tricks me into painting a rose tinted view of the relationship, but luckily I wrote down all the things that was wrong with it and can snap out of it. The best thing now is that it makes me feel happy that she will now be able to find someone who she will be able to connect with and make her happy…a thought that horrified me only a few months ago. It is possible. Sometimes people simply just aren’t right and I look back over the torture I put myself through and scratch my head! It also has grown me immeasurably as a person emotionally. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do 🙂

  • Anon

    Truth is, my relationship is very much perfect, we hardly argue but we have our little debates, I enjoy his company, he appears to enjoy mine, we’ve been together 2 years and have had no problems. His family are lovely people and I see them as my own, he treats me better than most guys treat their other half. But for some reason I’m not happy and I no longer want to keep it working, I feel like an idiot because I’ll never meet someone as perfect as he is for me. What am I meant to do though. It feels like I’m only with him for stability. Am I just being a fool? Should I try to make the relationship work despite the fact my heart isn’t exactly in it? What do I say if I am supposed to break up with him. I honestly don’t have a clue.

  • Bleh

    “I am 39 years old and belong to a family where divorce is not an option.”

    Fear + Obligation + Guilt = Fog. Step out of the fog. No person owns another and nothing is forever except eternal love from the Divine. Everything else is unreal and never was.

    Divorce is *always* an option. Break free.

  • Tara

    This really resonates with me in that I have been in a relationship for a little over four months and I am not sure where it’s going. He is a super nice guy, treats me well, the whole nine basically but I just feel like something is not quite right. He is looking for a wife and wants kids and although I think he is great I just don’t feel ready to commit after being in a tumultuous relationship for 9 years. I think he is sensing my feelings and he is pulling back. Another thing he keeps bringing up is the year after I broke up with my ex (July 2013) I was promiscuous and slept around with ten guys and he always brings it up and I can sense his insecurity with me and I don’t think he trusts me. This hurts and I feel like I can’t move forward because he keeps mentioning it and sometimes I wish I was never honest with him about it but I thought it was the right thing to do to tell him. This article has really helped and I think I need to step back and figure out if this relationship is going to work or if I need to save both of us the trouble and end it

  • No

    What do these uncomfortable feelings really mean? Is it a warning sign that this person is dangerous or that there is danger a long the way? Do you have these feelings for a reason (Did they do something to cause it?)

  • No

    What do these uncomfortable feelings really mean? Is it a warning sign that this person is dangerous or that there is danger a long the way? Do you have these feelings for a reason (Did they do something to cause it?) Like why do we have these feelings around them?

  • BF or BFF?

    Sometimes it can be much more complicated. Like it felt right, it was right, even every member of each side of the family connected (and we are a blended family, totaling 4 kids). But, recently, it’s all been falling apart. This article wasn’t what I wanted to face, but the answers speak for themselves. This person is my best friend, but I’m beginning to think that’s all we ever were, with the complication of lust, which apparently, is now gone. So maybe remaining friends, or not, is what we need to do, because I’m more unhappy than happy any more and the memory of what we had is fading. The glimpses are there, but I just can’t hang around for that.

  • uncertain

    I just broke up with my girlfriend of three years. We had great times together but but we don’t challenge each other. I think we actually enabled each other’s laziness. I didn’t respect her the way i want to respect my partner. I have spent the last few days agonizing over whether i did th right thing or just threw away the best thing i might have for the rest of my life. This article helps, thank you.

  • coll

    I may be young, (the age of your relationship), but I am the daughter of divorced parents. Although it would cause a tremendous amount of pain for you all, and your children may feel lied to, if you are certain the relationship is not right for you, they will thank you in the end. Just as others have said, if you’re feelings really have changed, it is not only good for you but good for your husband to end it in a loving way. For, if you stay in the relationship when it is not right for you, you will most likely start to act in unpredictable ways and the pain will grow more and more. Separate yourself from the situation, maybe go on a weekend meditation and nature retreat, because once you separate yourself, you won’t feel so inclined to guard your true feelings, whether they be in favor or not in favor of the relationship. In this safe place you’d have the freedom to feel, think and interpret your current state. I don’t know your affiliation, but if you do believe in higher energies, asking for guidance and being open to receiving can do wonders for your clarity in decision making (not mention feeling the boundless love that’s always ready for you!). I send my love to you, wherever you may be

  • Jen

    I am very much in the same shoes. it is to bits that i follow this. did you figure it out yet?

  • toni

    I’ve been with my bf for 3 years. He’s lovely, attentive; he makes me feel loved. We talk about things that just don’t fit between us, and we try to change. I’m starting to think that we’re just wasting each other’s time. I’m never going to be a tidy person that likes to spend time alone, and he’s never going to be a relaxed, calm person who likes company.

    It’s so hard to find the courage to face things head on though. I’m his first gf ever. We are living in a different country together…

  • Bethany Brown

    My question to you Anon is : Are you not feeling happy because you feel you don’t deserve it?
    It could be that you are not loving yourself enough. Do some self awareness and see what happens.

  • Iam Suttle

    Thank you Sharon and the countless commenters. I myself am in a similar situation. I’ve been dating my best friend of 10+ years for 3 years yesterday. I have also taken on the role of father to her three children (3,7,and 8) since the donor is an abusive alcoholic sociopath under a 3 yr pfa for shooting a gun off in the house with all 3 kids present. I love these children like they are my own. I love my gf too. But, I feel like we are not meant to be together. Like a kind of gut feeling whenever I sit and think about our relationship. I don’t find myself sexually attracted to her any more, actually if I think about it, the last time the thought of her sexually excited me, was before the first time we crossed the friend zone and had sex. I find myself looking forward to time spent apart, and when we are together I find myself becoming irritated at the mere sound of her voice. I’m very spiritual, and I try to be very positive. I have been trying to show her how to do the same for 3 years now and it just hasn’t sunk in. She’s so negative all the time. With her words, her worries and fears manifest daily in my life. I feel like she is stunting my spiritual growth and co creating a miserable existence for us. I’ve been second guessing our relationship since like the first month, but just chalked it up to the fact that I mentally put her in the friend zone for so many years and that was the reason that it felt so wrong. But I know now that we are not meant to be together. Problem is, I love her and I feel terrible leaving her or her children. Especially the children. They need me and the positivity that I try to instill in them. She’s never did anything wrong to me, and actually has treated me better than all of my other past gf’s. The thought of leaving her, brings up huge feelings of guilt. I just can’t bring myself to hurt her. But I know I must, if I’m ever to be truly happy again. Aggghhhhh!!!! Please someone send me some balls so I can make this decision final.

  • Aisha

    My boyfriend and I have been going out for a few weeks but while he seems totally in love, I’m still sitting here wondering if I made a bad choice. My friends have told me a few things about him and I’m getting worried. One of my close friends told me that he’s very desperate, and made advances on her before and didn’t take her no as an answer. That same friend told me that it took her a bit to be comfortable with her boyfriend so I could very well be the same way I’m just wondering how long I should wait before I tell myself it’s not happening?

  • thoughts

    Hi. I’m currently in a I believe 3 month relationship with this guy. He’s caring, good listener, and kind. But lately I have crawled back into my depression pit from stress and I feel like nothing is working. He’s a bit smothering which I think is the issue. I’ve told him time after time about but I don’t know if I am really committed into it. The only problem is he has won my kids hearts along with my parents. I would hate to feel like the bad guy if it came to that. Though my friend already told me that it isn’t their love life it’s mine, which I agree. Any advice?

  • youngfemale167

    Im 16 and facing exam time I was with my boyfriend for only 7 weeks but we where together pretty much all the time, he met most of my family and they liked him a lot , butt he was verry clingy and to much to handle, especially with exams its a little hard for me to face and verry stressful , even though he was really nice to me and he naught me everything I wanted I still felt like I didn’t wanna be with him, so I ended our relationship and he texts me 24/7 and says how much I mean to him but when I see him I really don’t wanna be with him , but when I’m not with him I sit and think that I’ve lost something great and chucked away something special, weird gut feeling. But there are so many things I don’t really like about him. This is my first proper relationship. (We did not do anything in this relationship. Sexual wise) please advice me????:(

  • shellz

    I wish i could escape from a relationship i am in..i feel in my gut he is wrong after 3 yrs but he is sooo nice to me i stay. His values are opposite to me and my son and dog dont like him. Im stuck. I have tried to break up 5x but he keeps coming baCk.

  • Lydia laures

    I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex love back. I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when I meet a friend that introduce me to DR Olawole the great messenger to the whole world who God has given him the grace to help people in their relationships, I narrated my problem to DR Olawole about how my ex love left me and also how I needed to get a job in a very big company. He only said to me that i have come to the right place were I will be getting my heart desire without any side effect. He told me what i need to do, After it was been done, In the next 2 days, My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness, I was called for an interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director.. I am so happy and overwhelmed that I have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR Olawole at the following email address and get all your problem solve.. No problem is too big for him to solve. Contact him direct on: And get your problems solve like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:

  • Connie

    The gnawing in your stomach was a fear of losing. You had insicurity because you have been hurt so bad. You felt bad about your looks and how important you are and can be to someone.
    Yes life is hard. It will be hard. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing love and security from another.
    You already had value as a man. You needed value and respect in a mates eyes. You needed someone who could hear your pain believe in it and walk through it with you. You need someone you can trust to care about you and not look the other way.
    After two years she should be still telling you how much you mean to her. She should still be thanking you and appreciating what you do.
    No matter how old you may be getting she should love you depite the body aches or any other ailments that come with age.
    But you should not settle for her if the gnawing is still there. But if she has poured her soul onto you and loves you endless and you know by her words and love that you are the best thing that has ever happened to her then you may consider this very well may be your true love.
    Friends, Family or Blogs will all say the same in truth. “Do what makes you happy” When you’re with her are you happy? Not when you’re apart to the point missing someone becomes the fear. Are you both happy with each other’s presence? Can you live with that feeling everyday for the rest of your life?
    What is she doing to help your fears?
    What things can she be doing? What can you do to make the relationship more open to you?
    You need to feel free to express your fears to her and her truly understand.
    If you’ve made a mistake because of your fears don’t be afraid to tell her. Don’t be quick to give up.
    If she’s had pain as well your pain and your unable to manage your pain, feelings and thoughts may have shocked her IF she had already opened her heart to you. She may be more afraid than you.
    Your being afraid means love is there. You may hurt unintentionally and feel bad for doing it. Don’t punish yourself until it hurts her more just apologize. And she should understand. If she’s telling you I don’t want to lose you she is in love.
    If you’re happy with her and know she would be right for you and you’re confused on how she may feel over time of disagreements. Ask someone who knows her that you can trust to tell the truth and believe in them. Eventually you have to believe you’re worthy of love.
    Don’t be afraid to give it
    You’ve ended it with her and missed her.
    Why did you end it? You’re back to square one.
    Did she stick it out? Does she still want you? You will know because she will show and tell you. Don’t let her go.
    If she tells you maybe you’ll be happier with someone else may not mean she wants someone else. Did she ask do you still love me? Do I still make you happy? She loves you. You ARE important to her.
    Grab her in your arms and say yes you do. If she beats you black and blue you know she’s too far gone. If she collapse in your arms and melts shes true love.
    And if she melts in your arms you take that women by your side. Not behind or in front but by your side. You feel her up with so much love she will never doupt herself. You will never doupt yourself. And you let that woman love you and if tension ever gets to high. If she has stopped touching you. Take her hand and if she melts she still loves you.
    Everyday this women is in your life you get rid of all the “Im not worthy” you look to her and KNOW you are.

  • Connie

    You need to understand the fears if you want a loving relationship with one woman.
    You need to be sure you understand your own pain before you hurt another.
    You have several woman who warms your heart that this one woman couldn’t give.
    What caused you to be afraid? Were you afraid of losing her?
    It sounds to me like one woman’s attention wasn’t enough
    For a man to say he’s afraid and oh whoa is me.
    I hope you find your true love in one of these women. Because it sounds like you want to connect but push away at the same time.
    Why don’t you think of her feelings? What if that women you broke up and pined away at had true love for you? How bad you must have hurt her.
    Of course I don’t know your age.
    If you’re young it’s sex and companionship. If your old it’s more companionship over just sex.
    You sound young because it’s taking several to warm your heart.
    If so you will go through several. At least the several is warming your heart. You can’t possibly feel alone.
    If you’re after one. You may want to check back with the one who made you feel so good and how much you missed her.
    If you’re not satisfied with yourself and really not ready to commit please don’t drag a woman into your life to hurt her.
    I did not hear you speak of what exactly she was doing and not doing. She had to have been doing something right for you to miss her and feel bad.
    If you’re chasing more than one woman don’t hurt them. Apparently commitment you’re not ready for and it’s best you stay put. However I don’t feel like one or both of these women would appreciate you have several
    Are you a player pretending to need love. Ask yourself that before you hurt another woman.
    It takes a true man to be open and honest. If a woman returns the favor you have a keeper. If she reminds you of that she’s a keeper.
    Don’t tell a woman your looking for a relationship if all you really want is to troll.
    And whatever you do. Don’t play several woman at a time and treat her jealous because you’re looking. If one woman gives all of herself to you then you need to stop looking. You can’t have it all your way Tristan.
    Out the gate you tell her you are looking. You speak the truth. But if you one time tell that woman you want to make a life with her and she says it back you better mean what comes out of your mouth. Don’t tell her you’re tired of being alone and you’re scared of being alone because you’re a pig and you will hurt her.
    Just like you hurt me. You tell her the truth from the BEGINNING if you’re a player. Whoa is me I want one. Then to call me a cheat when I devoted myself to you. My kids adored you and you would say no they don’t. Get over your self pity before you say I love you because you’re killing me.
    Did you tell these people you had a stroke. All this mess leads you ti to a stroke. Some women love Tristan I loved you through your stroke. And I’m at home today my heart breaking looking for help and I find this.
    I thought you were making fun of me looking for answers before because nothing I did made you happy. Nothing. I see what makes you happy and if I couldn’t give you enough attention.
    You called me a whore for two years breaking my heart.
    Your past didn’t hurt you that bad and if it did to protect other woman. You deserve to die alone.
    You’re a control freak. Giving you my facebook password not enough
    Break my neck getting to your call not enough still a cheating whore.
    Get on here an blog how you treat woman? So while you were accusing me of cheating and going on Meetme you’re out looking and crying to strangers at the same time.
    You’re a man who can’t be satisfied. You hurt me bad Tristan Grantham of Goldsboro nc
    Now I know why you said I’ll never find my way out of this shit.
    You go out and seek the truth and make sure you’re heart matches what comes out of your mouth
    You could care less if I dropped dead. You knew I had heart problems and you’re out whoring yourself.
    Park your ass back on that swing where you were when we met. Stick yourself back in the bars and all over Meetme. Who’s your next victim.
    I can tell you this youll be called a whore and a cheat
    I’ve got plenty to testify I devoted myself solely to you.
    Now I know why you couldn’t carry out the marriage proposal.
    Yes he ask me to marry him. I fell in love with this man but in the meantime through all the tears listening to how bad he was hurt and his tears of pain drawing me in more. He turns around and accusing of everything.
    I fought for you because I believed in your heart and 5months ago you’re still coming to my house telling me you love me making me believe it’s alright.
    It’s okay you don’t know these people right they don’t affect you.
    But your pathetic lies telling real woman and men the whoa is me and how I got over it.
    You told me you got over it. You whore.
    You took two years of my life and filled it with crying then turning bad ass hurting me and my kids.
    I thought you changed after your stroke. I believed in you again.
    You had a stroke and 5 months ago Tristan Grantham you’re here making fun of two years of my hurting over you. Worrying if you are dead or alive.
    You never carrying about me. Behind the doors seeing other woman.
    You coward. You know of all the bad things in my life but I know enough not to run out purposely hurting people.
    I get hit on but I’ve got balls enough to say I’m in love.
    You told my dad it’s because you needed to take care of your mom. Even my dad said he didn’t believe you. He told me to be careful. He knew you were out to hurt me.
    You deserve to be alone. And I hope you choke on that I don’t ever want to be with another woman line.
    Maybe your gay and need girlfriends you pig

  • I’d prefer no name

    Thank you for this post. I loved reading everyones messages and your replies. It is calming in a way to realize a lot of people go through this very confusing situation. My boyfriend of the moment is so selfless, he makes me feel genuinely loved and supported. I know he would do anything to try and make me feel happy and fulfilled. I know that if I tell him something is wrong, he is willing to try and compromise without fail.

    But in my gut I feel something is off. He was my first sexual relationship, my first longterm boyfriend, and I have always held a little bit of me back–like it took me a long time to go public about our relationship on Facebook because I wasn’t ready to let go of the other potential boys in my life. And then, sexually there was always something within me that was refrained. Moreover, I have never once cheated on my boyfriend, and never would, but I find myself interested in other people. When I am with him, there is such peace and comfort and love. I just don’t feel intellectually stimulated, I don’t feel that he matches my passion for literature, film, art, so forth. He is deeply emotionally intelligent but does not read books or want to talk about philosophy the way I do.

    I have committed myself to the relationship, telling myself to keep trying, that when we get out of the town we live in now and he is a little bit older that his maturity and being in the bigger world will build those other intellectual things I want within him. That he would be my dream man if he had a little time to grow. Yet the chemistry is so much work. I am graduating from college and going to grad school, and we told each other we would try and make the long distance work. Only now I am realizing maybe it is best to let go? I just feel so lost. I feel like there is no time to peacefully break away from each other–and I feel it would be misleading to go into the long distance thing and intentionally let us fizzle out? But then I see him, I hang out with him and talk to him and immediately doubt these private thoughts?!

  • Terrell Williams

    You are not alone. Even as I’m writing this My heart is aching with pain, loneliness and immense depression and anxiety. I recently dated a girl who on paper fit everything I thought I had ever wanted or could ever want. during the 4 months I had such an intense overwhelming feeling of anxiety that we were not right and that God did not approve of our relationship. It got so intense I checked myself into a psych ward. I had already been previously diagnosed with OCD, PTSD (from a very rough abusive childhood) generalized anxiety disorder, Psychosis and extreme psychotic thoughts. I thought it was the mental illness that was causing the feelings of it not being right (as every single girl I’ve ever grown truly intimate with I have come to the same conclusion with intuition, that it was indeed not right) This caused me an immense amount of pain, anxiety, and the suicidal thoughts became so bad that every day I wished I could no longer exist. The pain has been exquisite. Even now I’m still in love with her and miss her with all my heart. She and I don’t talk much anymore. We went from saying I love you and constantly communicating to occasionally saying hi over text. The suicidal thoughts still haunt me everyday. I plead with God to take them away along with my illness. Truth is, I’ve never really loved myself or appreciated what I have to offer. I have been through years of therapy and have studied many self-help books on OCD, but at this point, I’m in love with a girl I simply can’t have. Ultimately she was the one who ended it, saying that after praying she didn’t feel right. Now I realize what I thought was the mental illness was merely my inner guide and God harmoniously indicating to me that at least right now it’s simply not meant to be. I have reoccurring dreams about her and it working out, but my emotions have overridden my conscious factor that she and I needed to break up as painful as that sounds, and that being alone and single is actually another process to finding healing. God bless those who are going through things similar. Have faith and courage in God’s plan for your life. Thank you for sharing your stories they have given me strength to press on. All good things come to those who patiently wait.

  • jordan

    Thanks but I am still stuck I have a kid with this person don’t know what to do help me please

  • alexaw321

    I have a question I’m wondering if anyone can help me with. I don’t really have an older individual I truly trust to express my feelings to so if someone can help me I would greatly appreciate it. I’ve was dating my now ex for a little over two years. When we first got together I was in an unhealthy state of mind and life situation. I wasn’t attracted to his looks but his personality is what really got to me. Every what seemed to be 6 months I would want to break up with him and try to but eventually work it out. He really helped me to become a better version of myself and helped me through some of the toughest times I’ve been through. Which is one reason I feel selfish for leaving him. He was somewhat insecure with me when we went out with others but when it was just him and I we didn’t have a problem. I still felt at times not so physically attracted to him when I would compare him to other guys. It was the hardest thing to break up with him but my best friend would tell me that if I wasn’t physically attracted to him at times then I deserved to be in a relationship that I wouldn’t have to worry about that and he deserved to have someone who truly loved him for every part of himself. I started to stress about wanting to be single and work on myself. I finally broke up with him but I am still so unsure if I made the right decision. He makes me so happy at times I and I couldn’t imagine him being with anyone else. I am really trying to figure this out.

  • anonymous

    Hi Sharon,

    I was in a relationship for around 7 months and I just ended it because I wasn’t feeling comfortable. Everytime she would text me I felt an obligation to text her back and everytime she called me, most of the times, I felt uneasy talking to her. Now that I’m off her I feel kind of “in between” whether I should get back with her or not because I get this feeling of not wanting to lose her and watching her be with someone else. She would text me from time to time, even in this state, and I would respond to her normally still with the slight hope and intention to get back. I know this sounds contradictory, but it’s just what I am going through. I broke up because of my gut feeling that I wasn’t feeling happy and in alignment of who I really am. It was more like I was trying to be someone that she would want to date (kind of faking myself). I get thoughts that I might have dated her since the beginning because I liked her appearance and the fact that I like being in a “relationship”. Your post has helped me clarify my thoughts and made me agree with most of what you wrote. It is just hard for me to accept where I am standing and make up my mind to make a decision because when she texts me from time to time I feel like I want to hold on to her, but that’s not the right thing to do.

    I would want to get some more personal advice from you. Please.

  • Maitreya

    Hi, I’m dating a great guy but the problem is out of no where my feelings have started to switch off for him. I haven’t ended things because it’s complicated, I miscarried recently and besides that I’m also a mother of twins who are 3 who ive raised alone and he knows I don’t need him, I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m content being on my own with my girls but like I have depression and anxiety, and on top hormones and etc are still going nuts because of the pregnancy/miscarriage, rod in my arm and I have my period…what I’m saying is im not sure if im the problem, he’s the problem or it’s just not working…idk what to do..I know in my head he’s great and j love him and am attracted to him but he’s just been itrritating me so much and I don’t want him like I did and idk if it’s cause I’ve been sexually abused or because my body’s going through a lot or cause I’m just used to being hurt but hmm…help

  • Guest

    I honestly have looked at a lot of websites talking about this topic, this has to be by far the most helpful. Since the beginning of my relationship I wasn’t very sure about dating him I thought sure I’ll give him a chance, because I had never had a bf before. I was 19 at the time I am still with him I am turning 21 next month. So just an little over a year. He’s not the romantic type and he never really put effort into the relationship but he was there when I needed him, day or night. I got in a shorty situation one night with my cousin and I never go to clubs but I went with her and after fighting with her he drove to pick me up at 2:30 am. I mean yes he’s there for me and yes I know he would do anything for me but I don’t think the full connection is there and I’ve been trying to find the best way and time to end it, at the same time don’t want to do it. I ve been back and forty since I’ll say 5-6 months of our relationship and first 3 months I wasn’t really that into him so really I had 1-2 month max where I fell in love with him. Then over time.. Started losing it. It’s hard, especially since he’s my first bf, just not use to this stuff.

  • Short Batman

    I’m struggling with this right now, but the relationship hasn’t ended. I’ve dated this guy before and it came tumbling apart, but I wanted to try again.
    He’s a sweet guy, but I just can’t see this lasting again. I do feel a bit drained while he gets more energetic, and I’m independent but he needs to talk to me/see my face constantly. I don’t like surprises but he wants to shower me with them. He isn’t a bad guy at all, it’s just a lack of compatibility. I’m just not sure how to talk to him about ending the relationship again, especially since he seems to be thinking long-term with us.

  • Short Batman

    I think that’s what I’m struggling with right now. Everything seems fine when we hang out, but when we’re apart it’s like all of my frustration and confusion of what to do now come rushing back, and I get stuck again.

  • GlitterGirl

    This is me now. I have been dating for a couple of months. part of me loves this man but I know it is wrong and I’m letting him go. I think the situation may be mutual. I am sad and anxious but I do not question my decision because it feels right. I’ve finally learnt to follow my intuition.

  • Ana

    I am in relationship with this guy since 7 years, most of it is long distance due to our careers but we love each other so much and we are very emotionally attached . But lately we fight a lot on silly conversations and I don’t feel he can stand me anymore but when I ask him he says he loves me very much and cannot live without me. My parents do not approve of him and slowly I started feeling may be I deserve more. From what I know I may not live a luxurious life marrying him but sometimes I feel that’s wrong to think that way . And the long distance thing is making it even harder to decide . Right now the only thing that’s keeping us together is the emotional feeling of love. I am planning to marry him against my parents will . So can someone suggest me if I am taking the right decision

  • Lost

    I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4. My husband is absolutely amazing, he cooks, he’s there for me emotionally, he works his butt off to provide, there is just no passion. Once a year I get that feeling of not being happy and that he’s not the one for me, but I can’t seem to leave. It’s hard to get the strength to leave someone that hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s only given me love and a wonderful life, but I can’t pretend anymore. I’m searching for any words I’d encouragement. He deserves better and I just want peace…even if that means I’ll spend the rest of my life alone.

  • Serenity Guanlijia

    I am in a relationship , he’s caring and attentive but we are from two different worlds. I didn’t try to change him but he is trying to change me,based on his and his friends’ opinions. When I refuse to oblige, he would say things that sting a lot. He would even interfere with the way I treat my little sis. He said I was too protective and that children her age are not scared of the dark and that my sister was spoiled. I got angry because I would not allow anyone to speak so of my sister or interfere with her upbringing. He also told me not to tell my mum because my stepdad had said something rude to my sis, who is his natural daughter. He also interfere with the way I dress and the way I live because he and his friend disagree. Well, I don’t care what other people think of me, for me, I live for myself and I dress for myself but that doesn’t mean I like to bear his criticism every time he’s near, I feel like he’s trying to control me. Don’t know I’m right or not. Recently, I feel disheartened every time he’s around, but we are soon to be married and I am to have a child. Whether or not we are going to wed, I will give birth to this child, what complicates the situation is our financial situation among other things. He supports the family in his manly way and I am lost at what to do. Is it because we are from two different backgrounds that we are so different? Eastern vs Western? what do people normally do under the circumstances?

  • L

    This is a fantastic guide, somehow in my current dating relationship I’ve been really tuning in to my body and also observing him. We’ve hit a bit of a bump, where he’s stated he isn’t ready for a serious relationship but didn’t want to totally stop seeing me. So, I’ve pulled back and will see how things unfold. Although, I am giving myself a silent deadline to move on.

    This entire experience had made me realize why I can’t date multiple people at once. When I do that, I tend to miss signals that things need to be adjusted or lose track of myself.

    My only other issue, is I’ve had some rather traumatic experiences in life. So, I can’t always differentiate between the gremlins and something that’s off in the relationship. Hard work! Exhausting. Heck, sometimes it causes anxiety attacks. Yuck.

  • jane

    I was just wondering what ended up happening? I am in a similar situation.

  • janedoh

    I know most of these comments were written two years ago but I hope there’s still someone out there. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. It’s been an amazing relationship, we’ve fought alot as in any relationship but it was healthy and helped us move forward. We’ve often talked of marriage and how beautiful our children would be. We know where we plan to move in a few years. He’s met every person in my huge family with over 30 cousins. they all love him. I’m best friends with his two brothers and I’m at his parent’s house all the time. I have an apartment 1 minute away from his house so we can quickly be together every day. I’m currently not going to school, but I’m providing for us now by working 6 days a week while he goes to school and secures our future. He sees nothing wrong with our relationship. He thinks we will be together forever and is living in oblivious bliss. The problem is we are entirely different. For three years it hasnt been that big of an issue because we would fight about it, find a temporary solution, and move on. But ive come to realize this last month that im not happy.I am an extrovert, i want to hang out with friends, go out to see a mvie with him once and awhile, go to dinner. But those are rare. He hates leaving the house, any time i want to go out with friends he usually guilts me into not going, and if i do end up going anyway, i end up with 6 missed calls every 10 minutes saying i should come home early. i honestly have no friends because theres no way for me to ever hang out with them. This is something we argue about on a weekly basis. you would think this would be something we could compromise on, but when it boils down to it its who i am, and its who he is, and neither of us can ask the other to change who we are. another issue is i feel like im not valued by him at all. This might sound pompous, but i work in a restaurant, where i have other employees and customers that try every day to win my heart. I tel them all that i am taken, but that doesnt stop their persistance. they treat me like a queen to win me but i deny them all for him. then i come home, and im ignored or he says something to me that i cant beleive he would say to me. But i do believe it, because he says stuff like it all the time. and i think to myself, why doesnt he treat me with respect and love? even the strangers as fake as it could be treat me with respect and love, but i cant even get it from him. ive come to realize that i have never been single. in high school i had one boyfriend, broke up with him and graduated high school and immidiately met my current boyfriend. i dont even know whats out there. could there be something better? could there be someone thats way more similar to me and more caring? these things sound petty, but they are not. We’ve been dating for three years treating them as something petty but i dont think i can spend the rest of my life just coasting on my deep happiness not being that big of a deal. We dont have fun together anymore. his idea of fun is sitting at home watching the same tv series for two months until he gets stuck on another one. and theres no changing that about him. he can go out with me and do something with me because i want us to have a good time but then im forcing him to and he wants to go right back home. Now after saying all this, you might think im over reacting, or you might think that we need to break up if im ultimately not happy. but even after all of that i have so many inner conflicting issues. i love him. I love him so much.however I recently realized im not in love with him. im not entirely sure what that entitles. but those words sound right. but i love him so so much. its more like, i love him to the moon and back but are we right for each other? we are two totally different people and its unworkable. he cant go on pretending to want to do things i want to do for the rest of his life and i cant go on stuck in a house. how can we have fun together and be happy together when our perceptions of fun and happy are different? now heres another thing though. it would kill me to see him with another girl. ive often thought, if he were to hook up with some girl at a party, of course i would be mad and upset but to be honest i would almost be releived that he did something fun! wow that sounds terrible but i hope you understand what i mean. but what would kill me is to see him fal in love with another girl. or for another girl to fall in love with him. i dont know what i would do. i love him so much i dont want that and i really dont like the thought of not being with him, but how can i go on forever so unhappy on a day to day basis? why cant our personalitiies just be different? we cant change it. some nights im so unhappy and feel so worthless by dating him that i wonder why he doesnt try to change that. why doesnt he make an effort to make me happy or be nicer to me. i make efforts for him all the time by not hanging out with my friends so i can be with him like he wants and home like he wants. and like i said, we probably have this argument at least 2 or 3 times a month so we’ve tried. i know this is super long im sorry i was almost hoping if i put my thoughts out in words it would help me but it really didnt. i need someone’s help on this. someone to tell me how to handle this pleaseeee ps i forgot to say last week i offered to him that we take a break. he was not expecting it and we have never done anything like that before. I thought if i had more time to myself it would be clearer to see what to do. immidiately we said exclusive break, but even that didnt fly. we didnt want to entirely not see each other, so we said how about like we are dating? you have your nights to yourself at your house and ill have mine and a couple of days or nights a weeek you come over and we can do a date. then it would be exciting like we look forward to see each other and we have our time. but that didnt work either. instead he is still at my house every second im not working or he is taking me to his. somebody please help i dont know what to do

  • sharon hughes

    This is so what I needed to read right now. I had been single for two years and met a lovely guy about 7 onths ago – he ticks all those boxes – kind, caring. considerate, loving and initially the chemistry was there and we seemed to share a similar outlook. However, as the months went on and I got busier with work and kids and was setting little targets for myself, I quickly became aware that I was avoiding him, and I was unsure why. I have turned myself upsidedown and inside out over the past month – trying to rationalize why my feelings have made such a ‘U Turn – he still is adorable, loving, kind, sweet and honest – what more does a someone want? We went out one night last week, and in my head it was the ‘if this night doesn’t go well, then that’s it’ . It went ok. I felt we were on different pages when it came to discussion topics, banter and humour, and felt I was changing my natural reactions to suit what he would deem funny or understand – is this a reason to bail I keep asking myself? Should I give it more time? Somehow, I am still attracted to him physically, but my gut is telling me that this is not something that can be sustained, so what’s the point prolonging the agony – my head is telling me ‘ be grateful woman, you found a lovely guy who adores you – what’s the problem?’. I know my gut will win out, and I know I will have that dreaded conversation in the next few days. This post was exactly what I needed to confirm what I probably knew all along.Thank you

  • Alexandra

    Are you still with him? I am in the EXACT same situation!!
    Let me know please.

  • gabby

    im in a relationship right now and im not sure if I still want to be with him. we have been together going on 3 years and for the first 2 years he was in prison and i seemed all to happy but when he got home in may i became so angry with him all the time and i look at him in disgust. i do still care for him but im not sure i still love him and i do not want to break his heart. this article has helped a lot. im just so confused right now.

  • Lashana

    struggled with this for a week now. There comes a time where you just live in the past and ‘wish’ things could be go back to when they felt right. But your intuition already knows your bullshitting yourself. You just can’t admit it, because losing someone and all thier little quirks that you love and just someone that you love in general is alot harder and scarier than facing this truth that maybe just maybe the universe doesn’t align you together anymore.

  • Lashana

    Be weary. Because often when the other person ends things, we like to fantasize about the relationship and think ”wow was it me?”. Don’t do this. If she ended it and you didnt feel right at the time anyway, it sounds like it was meant to be, as in you two were not meant to be. It is so easy when instead of us leaving someone out of our lives, they ‘beat us to it’ or unexpectedly choose to leave before we fully figure out whether it’s ‘right’ or not, to then blame ourselves. But really if she couldnt handle sticking around to ride it out with you, was she worth it? The univerise is trying to tell you something and you could very possibly just be stuck in your past memories of her and obsessisve compulsive disorder is a BITCH with this. because you willl obsess and obsess over the good things not just the ‘uneasy’ feeling. For me I know its not working because its been abusive, I fell out of love , he’s left countless times and still is not giving a very big opportunity for me to express why im unhappy in the relationship, after telling me they would ‘ride it out with me’. People are not always this perfect little memory or mental image we like to think they are.

  • Lashana

    I think what fucks with someone the most is when youve imagined having kids with them and what they would look like… and letting them go you know these wont be your kids anymore. Thats the really painful thing, your idea of a family is crushed, destroyed. Even though you know the relationship is bringing you pain you constantly ask yourself but what if i tried ‘x,y,z” would things have been different? Would have i gotten my happy ending with an amazing guy? Would I have the children that had his eyes and my hair? It’s all the what if’s that will screw you over during a breakup, don’t listen to that stuff for too long because again, you’re living in the past and you’re mentally tearing yourself apart for someone who isn’t helping you create happiness.

  • jake_gittes

    I’ve been in and witnessed many people in relationships where there was none of the doubt we’re all describing and yet the relationship is terrible, full of dishonesty, disloyalty and lack of support. I often hear– and experienced this myself–that every instinct was telling them this was the right person for them. So no, i don’t think “instinct” is the best barometer either. Our instincts can be fooled just as easily as our eyes. Especially if we have come to equate drama with love. Love is perhaps a learned response and if that is true then the way we were reared by our early caregivers would have an enormous effect on how we conceptualize love and what a relationship should “feel” like.

  • Liam

    I need help. I was in a long relationship 6+ years. I was badly hurt and needless to say I’ve been through every type of relationship from a significant other waiting till marriage to a significant other waiting till I was out of the room. I have developed into a homebody being that my work involves traveling around parts of the country. I’m constantly drained and battling health concerns but I’m afraid I’m just burning myself out and this is the first real relationship I have had in 7 years. Here I am up late worried that my significant other is safe. I’m just worried I’m prolonging the inevitable.

  • Liam

    I’m afraid I’m going to be seen as a stick in the mud, when I’m just burnt out. I have expressed my concern. I don’t get many date nights and my last night before I travel is usually swallowed up by getting back into that travel and 3rd shift sleep schedule.

  • Jessica

    This is what I’m going through now. I’ve been in a relationship for a year and love him but I’m also a commitment phobe. This has been my longest real relationship and my past boyfriends have been emotionally unavailable or unable to commit and I was just fine with that, for a lil while. When I entered this relationship, my anxiety was through the roof! Now I just have this awful feeling of dread like this may not be the right person for me. I’ve had that feeling about every guy though. I had a traumatic childhood with my parents getting divorced and my dad being unavailable. I don’t know if it’s my intuition or just my protective mechanisms and fear. I have self sabotaged in my past. I enrolled in therapy so hopefully that helps, I also have abandonment issues from being adopted. I really want to stay with this guy because I can be 100% myself with him. Although we have a few issues that were working on, I know he has my best interest at heart. Hopefully, I can figure this out. Thank you though for your post because it’s the first one I saw that addresses us anxiety ridden self sabotage uncomfortable commitment phobe fear types lol! My instinct about my instinct is that it may not be 100% accurate 🙂 take care y’all!

  • Elizabeth

    I’m a young girl and I have a big problem.
    I love my boyfriend soo much… but sometimes I feel like he doesnt care about me, which makes me cry so badly. I’m sure that I would be much happier without him, but I still don’t wanna break up with him… because he’s everything that I have… What can I do?

  • Rick

    never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

  • Unhappy

    This blog has given me tremendous strength and courage to live a true and free life. I realized my husband never truly satisfied my emotional need while I continue put on a happy face to serve him and try to make things work. I have been trying to stay positive and hopeful in this relationship by showering him with compliment and nice acts. Things strange enough, he is incapable of taking positive comments and even get angry when I show him my love. When I express my need for comfort or in search of a common resolution, he doesn’t ever take it seriously. If I asked him to give me some words of affirmation, it often turns into a series of criticism on how I can do better or become better. I am sick and tired of being the one who tries to bring this family into peace and love. From this day on, I am going to show my truthful emotional response to his words aka being sad when I AM sad, being angry when I AM angry. There is no more me trying to smooth things out when it gets rough. I want to be truthful to my life and never feel like I am restrained or weaken by playing nice.

  • Matthew Williams

    Great post and has helped me see my recent broken relationship in a new light. Thank you.

  • Maaike

    Of course this is al true! But! Sorry for me there are buts. Maybe my vision is not clear So Maybe i overlook. When you have fear iTS hard to tell when iTS fear that ur listenjng to or intuitikn. i have therapy And no stayed alone to first become closer to myself And less easily overwhelmed by fear. But sometimes iTS just fear that dominantes ur vision

  • Lostboy

    I’ve been with my wife for 12 years, married for 10 years of them. We have our own house and 4 young children. I have Bipolar and my wife has been amazing and stuck by my side through all of it, even when I have treat her like dirt.
    We have the usual ups and downs/arguments as all relationships do, but have been on a fairly stable step.
    I have no reason to doubt anything in my relationship as it has always been what I wanted, however, I have really fallen for a girl, 10 years younger than me, purely based on looks and just can’t decide what is for the best.
    I want to be with my wife and kids and have a happy future, but then I feel miserable about not ever being able to attempt to pursue anything with this other person. She’s never shown any interest to make it even worse.
    I don’t know if it is my head messing me up, or if it is real feelings. I don’t want to stay with my wife for loyalty or feeling I owe it her etc., as I know it would break her heart, but I also know staying for the wrong reasons will only end up doing it in the long run, probably worse.
    I have everything I could ever want at home and have always been happy until just recently with this person leading me to question everything.
    How do you pick what is the best path, if you honestly don’t know in your own heart?
    I’ve never wanted to ever be the sort of bloke id want my girls to stay away from, but have turned into one without even knowing it. I hate myself and my life.

  • Helvetica

    Don’t have an affair. As someone who did and ruined my marriage and is wracked with guilt to this day, several years after the divorce, it is just not worth it. It is the worst thing I have ever done.

  • Helvetica


  • Lovedloveless

    I been in a 8 year relationship with the wrong guy nd i am still in it. I love him he is my first serious relationship. He is so rude and makes me fight and cry to be important nd i am still not. I hate tht i love someone tht clearly does not care about me. I just want to run away. I know deep down this is not right i just wont end it. I wish i can be rescued. He bullies me and puts me down consistently. He doesnt even care. Im never happy so why won’t i leave it alone?

  • Brittney

    I was in a relationship and he would throw me on the bed when he was mad he through a phone at my mom head when he was mad he just gets so angry but he says he would never hit me I don’t know what to do. ….. He said he went to counseling for 3 days and it helped him IDK if I should get back in a relationship r stay away …. I’m scared I won’t find a better boyfriend … Well that’s what he tells me

  • Hiraeth

    I’m currently in turmoil and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend is a very understanding and caring person, he treats me with respect and always puts my needs first. He’s really sweet with kids and has an easy laid back personality. However I feel as though he lacks a certain passion for life. I’m very adventurous, I dream of traveling the world and learning about new cultures. I’m a firm believer in activism and am environmentally conscious. I can be myself with him and he has a certain understanding of my needs and I try to do the same for him. However I feel that there is a lack of intellectual stimulation in our relationship. He may do things because he knows they are important to me but I don’t feel like he understands the significance of it.
    I don’t see him being ambitious or determined about anything, you’ll have to push him at every step. I’ve tried talking to him about this but I don’t want to push it because I don’t want him to change to please me. I want him to him to have ambition and set goals and work hard to achieve them for his own personal growth.

    I understand that you can’t have everything in a relationship and I’ve met many couples who seem to be intellectually incompatible however they have made it work. I feel like i’m creating trouble where there doesn’t need to be. I’ll try out the steps here and see what comes out of it. I havent had many serious relationships before this, so I’m wondering if this is a common issue.

  • dripdropdrip

    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 and a half years with this girl that is super sweet and fun to be with… but we’ve never accepted each other’s beliefs when it comes to religion, politics, etc. And I’ve been doubting the relationship for a while now especially considering I would have to become Catholic to marry her. I’m not a church going person and my beliefs are more from the scientific viewpoint, and I just don’t know if I could live that kind of a lie of becoming Catholic, but not really believing in it. I also foresee her having health issues in the future because of her diet and lack of exercise. I’ve tried to motivate her to change this, but only she can change that for herself. I tend to eat very healthy and I try my best to exercise regularly. Also I don’t feel like she puts in the same amount of effort into the relationship like I do, and whenever I confront her about any of our issues, she always walks away winning the argument, because I can’t stand to see her or anyone I love cry. I love her to death and I know she loves me back, but I’m just so uncertain if I should be with her. Any words of support would be greatly appreciated.

  • Amit Singh

    Is it good to tell everything about the past one to the present one ?? please give the nice suggestion !!

  • Missyluvslilies

    I’m 28 years old and I’m engaged to my partner who has 6 kids and is 43 years old with ex wife. I know I have love for him but it breaks my heart that when I miscarried he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most. I feel like since he had kids already ours didn’t really matter maybe he’s glad I lost it. I feel resentment toward him and I can never forget. It hurt me so much emotionally and physically. No matter what, I know I have to move on. As much as he convinces me to stay. He repeatedly tells me he’s so in love with me and that he’s sorry my doctor was disappointed he never showed up to any of my appointments it was my first pregnancy and he accused me of cheating. When he has issues because his ex wife slept with another man while he was married to him. I never really wanted to be with him I somehow fell under pressure his mom and my sister suggested we date. I knew about his baggage and I didn’t have a problem with it! I just wanted him to be there for us just like he was there for all his other children. I clearly see his first marriage will always come first. His ex has his daughter manipulate him and makes him feel guilty about being with me and only calls when they need money after he gives her child support and alimony. Still isn’t enough for her she’s never worked a day in her life. I couldn’t even enjoy my pregnancy without constant arguments. she’s 17 will be 18 soon. I’ve met her and she was nice to me and all of a sudden she’s making me seem like I’m this evil person. I’ve never been married, nor did I have kids with any of my previous partners. I lost all respect for him. He tells me he loves me but all these questions written in this article really had me thinking and he doesn’t bring nothing positive in my life. He lives in the same state as his ex-wife and we don’t even live together. I will move on. It’s painful feeling like you were used to help someone get through their emotional baggage. I will never date another man with kids and ex-wife. I deserve to be someone’s only wife. I told him if he wants to go get his old marriage back he can. I won’t compete and try to be a reflection of someone he’s probably still in love with. My heart and soul is healing from all this heartache.

  • Zoe Schaeffer

    I’d like to also chime in to say that I’ve experienced crippling anxiety in my safe, loving, wonderful relationship off and on for the full 6 months we’ve been together. We had a few weeks of intense honeymoon and then it all came crashing down, and I’ve struggled with that “gut feeling” ever since. After a lot of self investigation (and help from two talented therapists), I’ve recognized that it’s my demons at play. My dad left my mom when I was young and was a moving target the rest of my life. My mom has been experiencing a painful separation from her second husband for years. I readily absorbed Hollywood and Disney’s messages about Prince Charmings and perfect relationships, leaving no room for the difficult and honest conversations that are a part of real love. I still feel crippled by an existential unknowing—no one can know if their relationship will work out as they hope—but have learned that when I am full, when I am doing things that me happy, when I fill my own well and delight in things that I find beautiful and true (being in nature, cooking food, being with animals, making art, curating a space—everyone’s soul food is different), then my relationship magically works. When I am depleted and not getting enough time to myself to tap into those private things that bring me joy, I ruminate and fixate on what might be wrong with the man I’ve chosen and the life we have together.
    Do I know if we’re going to be together forever? Definitely not. But this relationship and the man in it are sure as hell worth pulling for. I’d encourage anyone who’s come across this page and is struggling with doubt to take a hard look at your own fears and insecurities. Is it possible you’re projecting those onto your partner? Is it possible that you’re making your partner responsible for the life that you want to lead?
    Sharon, I appreciate that your steps include self inquiry and time for meditation. For me, it’s taken months of that to come to a still place where I can see my own fear. If you have relationship anxiety and something is telling you to hang on, please listen. Even if at some point down the line the relationship dissolves, you will have learned so much about yourself, life, and love.

  • Tolerant

    Reading through all of these interesting posts I must say that yours, Hiraeth, caught my attention. I am on the other side of what you “think” might be wrong with your boyfriend and the relationship. You could almost be my now ex-girlfriend. You say your boyfriend is a very understanding and caring person, he treats you with respect and always puts your needs first. He’s really sweet with kids and has an easy laid back personality. I was that boyfriend and I went from being someone who she had to speak to and hear my voice daily to all of a sudden being told I wasn’t “intellectual stimulating” as well as countless other reasons we should not be together. She claimed we didn’t have common interests. Not sharing common values is a deal breaker. Not sharing common interests is a chance for a couple to grow and discover a whole bunch of new activities that they would maybe never have experienced if not for meeting this new person. It’s about opening up your horizons and breaking down misconceptions you have of certain things in life. Of course after you have tried some of these new things you may not have enjoyed the experience but at the very least you can say you tried it and did not enjoy it thus giving legitimacy to your opinion. You say he does things only because he knows they are important to you but did you ever think that maybe he is excited by the thought of trying something he has never tired before or going to a place he has never been? ” I don’t feel like he understands the significance of it. ” Have you told him what significance it has to you and broke into conversation about it? If he doesn’t see it have you ever maybe thought to yourself that he wants to learn from you just as you could learn things from him that you have never done? “I don’t see him being ambitious or determined about anything, you’ll have to push him at every step.” Have you taken a trip with him somewhere abroad to be able to experience how he reacts to travelling and new cultures? You label him as being “not ambitious” but that is only by your definition of the word. Maybe he’s ambitious about leading the happiest life possible and finding a partner he can share new experiences with that are new to you, himself and sometimes new to both of you. There is nothing more exciting to me than doing something we both have never done. When you say he has to be pushed, has he ever said no to going somewhere new? Weather he tries a new activity that you want to try or that he brought up if he is willing to go stop judging him. He can say no to it but he chooses to say yes not just to please you but because he wants to experience this new adventure with you!!! You are worried about his personal growth. I mean this with no disrespect to you but it seems to me that you are the one who has some growing to do. Stop judging him and reading between the lines where these is no writing to read. Give him a real chance instead of always looking at the negatives in his efforts. He cares for you, he respects you and he wants to experience all of your world with pleasure. His goal is to find and be in a great relationship. Do not give up on him for issues that are in your mind when he is so happy to be learning and growing with every passing day you two spend together. Maybe you should try learning some new things from him as well. A great couple will constantly help each other grow and learn. That is what a great relationship is to me. I wish you luck.

  • kangaroo

    Unfortunately, my case is really complicated. We have been together for 16 months and we had a lot of ups and downs. I wanted to end the relationship several times, as I don’t feel we are right for each other. I have a mission in life that I would like to follow and I am very creative, introverted person. He is the ‘old me’, who just lived his life for joy, very friendly and open to other people – which makes me to be the opposite for some reason – and he wants to follow my dreams because his obsession is ME. Recently I got a lot of bad luck and suffering from the consequences what happened in the last half a year. All these events contributed to my insecurity – which did or hardly existed before. He is also very insecure but sometimes he is the rescuer in certain situation. It seems that we picking up on each other’s feeling and behavior rapidly. He also projects his actions and feelings like they are mine, but they are not. They are his feelings. I know he is not right for me. I like peace, quiet and light and he is the opposite. I just can’t break up with him because his ego will be so hurt I worry that he will hurt me and I am extremely attracted to him, which I can’t explain.

  • Jeanette

    I’ve been in this relationship for almost a year now. Everything was really nice until 3-4 months back. We started fighting like crazy. Sure we loved each other and strived to make it work but it didn’t happen the same way for both of us.
    I have lost my calm and peace. I am tired, although we spoke for hours and hours before things got sorted out. Now even though they’re sorted, I still don’t feel good about the relationship. He does. He loves me a lot lot. I don’t think I’m being able to return those feelings as much as I want to. I feel guilty that I’m lying to him by saying I love him. I never feared commitment with him but now I do. Even though he is very sweet and tells me I’m his last love and stuff. Can’t understand what to do. He’s totally in love. We both were until a few months ago. And all these fights made me fall out of it. I don’t understand what to do. Is this just a phase in the relationship, or is it going to be like this once it starts?

    Please help.

  • Lily green

    This is exactly what I am going through. I know in my heart that I love him, but at times my anxiety takes over and makes me have fight or flight feelings. I have no reason to question my relationship. I’ve always been scared of falling out of love with the man of my dreams. I’ve never met a more devoted, passionate, and caring man and I know in the end I will win over my anxiety. To whoever struggles with similar feelings like this. You will make it through. You have to work at it when you have anxiety but you are the ruler of your own happiness.

  • Galadrial_uk

    All well and good of you don’t have children to think about, if it’s only yourself you have to consider.. I would be making very different decisions if I was in a position to. But I’m not. So still trying to ” make it work ” all the time losing more of myself and becoming someone I don’t like.

  • Shayla

    I’m in a similar situation, I don’t know if it’s me, OK it’s me. I don’t think I’m happy with myself, but than again I know I love myself and they say you have to love yourself to love someone else. My past with men growing up is disturbing, I had a step father who serially abused me mentally and physically, I wasted 6 years of my life with a man who cheated on me all the time and didn’t care for me as a person but for some reason I still wanted him, I had a man take adamant age of me when I was under the influence of alcohol and no one to take care of me, as you can see not a very good past with men, and I feel as though I take it all in and look at all men one way, I don’t mean to because I know they’re not all the same, for example my boyfriend, he’s amazing, I mean we had our problems in the beginning of our relationship like any other couple but he’s a good boyfriend he treats me like a queen. (Well treated me like a queen) I take out all my frustrations out on him and I know it’s pushing him away, I just don’t know how to stop, I don’t know how to change or even where to begin. I need help. I need someone to talk to who can understand me. I just don’t think he’ll get it. He knows my story, I don’t know. But I appreciated your story because it made me realize alot. I just need to know, how do you find your true self to be happy again?

  • DrAwesome

    I don’t know if you’ve realized, but your entire article is based on the notion that ‘it didn’t feel right’.
    Do you have any idea how incredibly inadequate that sounds?
    Especially to someone who has committed to sharing their life with you, just as you have.
    I have been the guy in almost identical circumstances to this one, and it is the most ungrateful and hurtful thing that anyone has done to me.
    Your selfish decision was made 1) alone when you are supposed to be being honest with your partner and 2) based on an irrational worrying about future circumstances.
    It is humanly impossible to predict the future, and by definition that is self-sabotaging. If there are issues, you address them when they appear, and making an effort to be with someone is what love is all about. He may not have been perfect, but probably was blindsided by your big reveal which is cruel to say the least.
    I am a stranger on the internet, and I doubt I will affect your life in any way, buy it baffles me how you can so eloquently justify being apathetic and selfish towards a loving human being’s emotions as a means of securing your own temporary satisfaction with life.
    How do you sleep at night thinking you’ve done the right thing?

  • PinkAlert

    My current bf is from abroad (France) and he came to live to Argentina (where I am from) just to give the relationship a chance. I’m a student and I live with my family. He just manage to get a job as a waiter and doesn’t have the money to leave. The thing is the get along well in general. But he is very closed about his feelings. And he likes being alone. At the end he just wants to see me once a week because he “needs his alone time”. He usually doesnt text me for days and he doesnt reply my messages. And when I complain he says “this is the way I am, sorry you dont like it, I like to have my space and I like the relationship we have” We’ve been together for almost 3 years and I know he is special but the longer we are together the loneliest I feel. I had to learn how to trust him. And I know he made a lot of sacrifice for me but I’m realizing that the relationship we have makes me feel emotionally stress, and from moments makes me feel that I am the problem although I try my best to respect his space. Sometimes I feel like breaking up but I feel bad because he’s stuck in this country because of me, he makes little money here and he cannot afford right now a ticket back to France. Sometimes I think of waiting for him to leave and breaking up but the idea of not seeing him again makes me feel terribly anxious and depress.

  • Ryan Plantagenet

    If something isn’t broken, then don’t break it.

    I completely respect how you chose the action that you did, however I would really disagree.
    The thing is, and this is just my personal belief, is that we have all swallowed how we’re told to be, that we doubt everything. The saying “When you don’t feel like doing something, then it’s the best time to do something; it may be the right path disguised”.

    Maybe your feelings were a result of buying into amateur psychology, you know how if you get this feeling you can’t ably describe, then there must be something wrong.

    I mean, let’s say someone wants to lose weight to fit into a really nice dress. Sure, they could just give up (which is the mentality of people today; certainly my ex-girlfriends) or they could work hard to fit in it, and the dedication alone will be more than enough to wipe out what I dub “toxic feelings”.

    I had doubts about how my last girlfriend felt about me (we broke up for different reasons) but I ignored the feeling because it wasn’t a feeling I needed (this “you can’t how help you feel is nonsense; I’m sure men in war don’t feel like charging out into a battlefield but they do) and I wanted to keep going with the relationship.

    It’s fortunate that you both agreed you weren’t right together, but think about it another way: what if you had both tried harder? You may well have been very happy together, and if not… you tried.

    If I meet a girl who is attractive, funny, understanding, loyal… then I wouldn’t pass them up, even if I’m not “feeling it”; at least not at the start.

    You really can come to love people, but people these days are very much afraid of changing their perspective.
    I’m glad I don’t follow the current social-psychological trends. If it had been me, I would not want to have given up. Feelings betray us more often than not.

    Naturally, the wise person wouldn’t even bother with relationships. Really, they are a farce… humans are only here to procreate, and when you think about it… looks and personality don’t matter, at least not when people copulate.
    Being truthful to yourself is feeling how you want to feel, not what you are feeling. I don’t feel like I should have to be part of society, but the more I tell myself that I want to, I enjoy it. This applies for every situation: we always have a choice.

  • Sara

    This is exactly the response I was looking for, thank you as I do feel very anxious at times and it tries to take over. Nice to know other people are going through similar, and yes we will win against the anxiety!

  • Karen

    thanks for the post.
    I am 21 now,and I am in a good relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months,before that we were best friends for 4 years but we rarely met.we got together after a hard period of time,he was insanly inlove with me and he gave me all the attenttion and love I wanted.he acted like a true lover.I loved him really hard too and I still do.but now,I don’t feel that wanted or desired anymore,he still says he loves me and sometimes he says those meaningful small words,but I don’t FEEL desired like before.He took me to his mom and I let my dad know him,we planned for future and we are working the same job.but now I feel he took me for granted,he is really a gentleman and he has high morals,but I feel Im took for granted now that everything is plannes.I gett touchy most of the time and cry and think of past.I really don’t know what to do because everything seems good and yet Im feeling bad and I take some things he says to heart. Sometimes I feel like breaking up but I think there might be other ways too because I love him and he is worthy.

  • karen

    In the end Lost, a relationship this is not right for you is ultimately not right for him either. You say he deserves better, he is a good man without doubt, but so do you.
    What do you want?

  • CO

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years and I love him immensely. However, over the past year or so, my love for him has changed. I no longer crave him and often feel that I am caring for him, supporting his growth in character, and he has to try and keep up with me. My character has grown intensely within the past two years, without him. My heart wants our relationship to work because we are great together- we are best friends, companions- but I find myself seeking out other men in hopes for better. I can’t decide if this is because I have been setting my expectations too high, or if I just don’t love him the way he loves me, and I should let him be free. I can’t help but feel like my gut is telling me to end it, but my heart doesn’t want to let him go. People have told me that losing the spark in 4-5 years is normal and it brings me this pain that I could have done something better – if only we were doing this, if only that, and I will begin to fall in love with him again, but why do I have to try so hard when he undoubtedly wants to be with me?

  • james

    iv been in a relationship for 6 years and we have a beautiful daughter. For the first 2 years it was perfect and we didnt argue once and did everything for eachother. then we got into drugs and going out so it got a bit rocky but we still loved eachother so we got through it. then we had a daughter which she didnt allow me to say what i thought about the situation before making her decision. but we got past that. Now iv had a massive spiritual awakening inside of me and i want to do all these things but she just watches her same programmes every night and isnt interested in anything spiritual at all. its heartbraking to imagine ending it after all the memories but i need someone in my life who is on a similar journey to mine :/

  • Angel Lising

    I’m currently in a five year relationship. He began to decline around 2012, the blaming the insecurities it escalated into him going to online dating sites, actually meeting girls online then he would make up excuses saying that he needed the experience which is bull of course. He then resulted into more fighting because of his lies and violence. It started small like name calling like “You’re stupid fat ugly whore” among others, he began strangling me around 12 times in the span of 4months. Then we got back together because he kept breaking up with me like 6x and threatened to leave 4x. We then met a girl after 2 months of his online dating who’s around my age he began seeing her in secret and I just had enough. I seriously don’t know what he wants from me. He keeps telling me he loves me but I just don’t believe it anymore. Last night I was thinking that I would rather move out with my children than be with him. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I love him, sure but its him and his insecurities and instability and the lack to follow through his promises to do better. I’m also currently 4months pregnant now and I will be graduating in a 3months. I think I should do it, but I’m not sure if he is ever going to do what he says he will do like respect me and stop the name calling and violence.

  • defineamind

    It sounds like you are in a codependent relationship dear. I would research codependent relationships.

  • Impartial women

    What should i do my boyfriend doesn’t be like he’s in relationship? What should i do, he don’t talk to me? PS :No answers of breakup.?
    I’m in a relationship frm 4 years & it’s been all great. But now he doesn’t show me any gestures of love making, doesn’t express abt anything, don’t feel like to talk &take all the things very casually. Instead of saying something good, keeps on mentioning other women’s. Always about looks attitudeIt’s not at all I don’t look good or I don’t have attitude. In our relationship, he’s the dominant.& he Never ever talks about relationship, it’s been month to us since we have met.Never said that I miss u etc Whenever I do he is least interested.It’s not at all that he is busy whole day.I had even convo on this serveral times. He always says I don’t feel like to express, you should give me some space etc. I do wait for his call.but he never does. But we daily talk at night, and the conversation are not so great like they should, he never talks about anything, he used to earlier. Every night I talk because I really need to and as I really wanna meet him. but every night I do, it’s a heartache. Most of the nights turn fights because he never express, and if I ask about something with ‘us’ he never talks One more thing he says, I’m so irritated of this behaviour, I just don’t want to express.Totally a scorpion guy, and all he wants it first he, his enjoyment etc. and at last if something left th me ‘i completely hate it. I miss him alot, I feel there is no worth to say, no worth to express. I was trying to solve this thing from so long.tell me what can i do.
    I’m quite depressed

  • Jeanette Bernal-Singh

    How’s it now?

  • Jess

    I’m in a very similar situation. How have things turned out so far? And what has helped you make your choice?

  • Maria

    I’ve been agonizing over breaking up with my live-in boyfriend of three years. Every time I think about how much it’s going to hurt him, I cry. I haven’t even done it yet, but I feel so much guilt. At the same time, I feel relief thinking about moving on with my life. Throughout the relationship there were so many “this will get better” or “one day this will change” but it hasn’t and I can’t keep holding on to hope that it will. I’ve talked to him about my concerns before and while he’s receptive to what I say, nothing changes. I’m not getting what I feel like I need out of this relationship. This article helped me release some of the guilt I’m feeling and realize that, no matter how nice he is or how much we love each other, there’s got to be more than just that.

  • dan o brien

    i think this things happen as ppl stop believing in god and hope is not left in them .

  • Eeax

    I have been married with my husband for 2 n half years now n since the begging of this year i havenot been feeling like myself. I have tried to change myself for better but the thing is i dont feel happy anymore n i have already told him too that i dont love him n im not happy and may be he knows too its not gonna workout between us but dont want to facs it. Im feeling v lost these day n the worst i dont know how to tell anyone about this too.if their will understand me or not 🙁

  • Zoe Schaeffer

    My relationship is about to turn two years old and couldn’t be better. I made some changes in my life that helped me turn more towards the things I love and want to cultivate, and our bond has only grown stronger through the changes. The heavy lifting (and it was hard work) that I did to investigate my insecurities has been a huge boon to my quality of life overall. I know myself better, trust myself more, and don’t project onto him the way I used to. When I notice myself criticizing him or doubting our relationship, I am guaranteed to find some neglected inner part of me asking for attention. Anxiety is a signal to turn inward with compassion, not to lash out and blame. Take responsibility for your fear, communicate kindly with your partner, and continually turn towards yourself as a friend and an ally. <3

  • Angie

    I’m experiencing the same exact thing. If you don’t mind me asking, what has happened since?

  • I just found someone that I like. We have a great starting story, It was just like a movie or a fairytale for us. We have met and been dating for two months now. I’m 18 but with very little, to no expirience at some fields of dating. She is 15 and just started going out, and flying into the type of lifestyle I hate in a girl. She hangs out with people I don’t agree, like, or trust. You can see why I am here desperatly seeking for your advice.

    When I’m with her I feel like I want to give her the world, and make her the happiest she can be. I am ussually a really low self-esteem guy (as I’ve been told many times) but I consider myself to have a great work ethic and am willing to put all of myself into this.

    I never had something like this. All of my previous partners were mainly physical and mainly dissapointing. One night stands, cheating partners, the ones that were obviously using me, etc.

    Basically, I was looking for so long for someone like her. I feel this connection, even though she isn’t what I was looking for, but I really want her, and she really want’s me. We have. been dating each other for two months and she is saying things like: “This is destiny.” or “We are going to have such kids” and so on. I understand she is young and will change, but she is quite bright for her age. Kind of genius.

    Bottom line I have a really bad feelings about her and this relationship when I’m not with her. Like that, she might cheat on me, start lying to me, or leave me for some reason. My mind is tellin me no. I think I might take a pause or even break up with her, because I have a anxious, ever-hunting, mind breaking, bad feeling in my gut. Do you think this is a good idea? What are your expirience on this? I would like to hear from people that have already commented on this, how is it going for them now?

  • I understand this is an older post and realize you may not reply.
    From my point of view, only a really deep, quality type, efficient and truly honest monologue with yourself, and then the same dialogue with your partner can be a true vision of truth, or escape sort of say.

    I myself have been chipping and troubling with my other half. Talking over and opening myself, asking. Growing. It’s so hard for me then any physical work, because I’m quite young (College student) I always run thing and talks in my mind before saying it to her, and then it developes in a way I plan to express myself.
    Stay strong, hope it helps! ✊

  • Hazel

    I have known my current partner for almost 7 years now and we started off as casual friends but we never really were close friends until we dated only 4 years after meeting. We have gone back and forth a few times, mainly because we started our relationship in high school. We truly are best friends and I want the best for him, but we live together and I find myself in between the bad signs and the good ones. Maybe I’m just young and don’t know what is the best way but I am very confused.