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5 Ways to Show Your Love to Others (and Yourself)

“Love isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” ~Steven Hayes

Things go wrong in life. Distress and confusion can take root, sometimes leading to harsh self-criticism, depression, or anxiety.

We sense that love heals, and it does.

I once visited an orphanage for abandoned infants, and every toddler who I carried clung tightly to me. I can still feel their little arms clasping me desperately.

We crave love as we crave oxygen.

But what is love?

Is it something you wait for?

What if love is more than a feeling?

What if your choices and actions can bring the spirit of love to life?

Love has many shades and nuances. Here are some forms of love that you can start creating today.

Love as patience

I used to be obsessed with outcomes. A perfectionist intolerant of failure, I was constantly trying to prove my worth. This made me unpleasant to others, and to myself.

One day our little son was running around noisily while I tried to concentrate. Irritated, I put an arm out and he crashed into it. He started crying, and I felt deep shame.

I resolved to change. I’d been sacrificing what made life worth living: relationships, health, talents, and even family happiness. I’d been neglecting everything and everyone, including myself, in my headlong rush toward outcomes and goals.

What’s the alternative to focusing on outcomes and neglecting others? Patience. Patience expresses love by treating every individual as priceless, not just an aid or obstacle to some goal.

Patience embraces more than outcomes. It empowers you to enjoy the journey of life instead of disregarding what makes your life worth living as you rush toward your latest destination. It attracts friends for the journey, improving work, play, and all of life.

Patience with your own mistakes gives you a chance to heal and learn. Mistakes are not seen as confirmation of worthlessness.

Importantly, patience allows you to be more fully present in the moment. That’s great for your relationships, your well-being, and your brain, according to scientific research. A more patient life reduces the sense of being overwhelmed or confused.

Patience brings love to life and makes all aspects of life go better.

Love as kindness

When my father fell seriously ill, I needed an airline ticket urgently. He’d been in perfect health and wasn’t very old. I was desperate to reach him quickly.

I picked up the phone. The first lady I spoke to made it her personal mission to get me there.

“Get to the airport as quickly as you can,” she said.

I was put on a plane within hours. I reached his bedside, held his hand, and sang to him softly. He died hours later.

I’ll never forget that lady’s kindness.

Even less dramatic acts of kindness can powerfully express love, such as listening to someone who needs a sympathetic ear.

A swiftly flowing river can have a calm surface, even as it grinds the rough edges off rocks. Kindness is like that. It calmly smooths out the rough patches in life and helps lubricate friction between people.

In the heat of an argument, kindness can heal with the “soft answer that turns away wrath,” as the proverb reads. Once the temperature is lowered, it’s easier to explore sensible solutions.

Even if everything goes wrong in life, you can still express kindness to yourself and others. You remain powerful as a source of love. Kindness displaces rudeness, harsh self-criticism, anger, and resentment.

Cultivate more kindness, to yourself and others, and experience how the darker parts of life become illuminated by love.

Love as delight in others’ successes

When I measured success in dollars, I often grew envious of others. Why did someone else have more money, a nicer house, more stuff, better looks, more exotic vacations, a happier family, and healthier parents? I became a restless comparer.

Once I cultivated a stronger sense of my uniqueness and worth, I started appreciating other people’s success. Each of us was on our unique path, and it would be nice if we all enjoyed the journey.

Love as delight in others’ successes attracts friends. It breeds joy.

Long ago, I visited an elderly uncle for my vacation. News arrived that I’d passed a university exam. He bought firecrackers and set them off in celebration, even though he’d never been to university.

I was embarrassed by the noisy fuss, which alerted the neighbors, but it opened my eyes to how very much he loved me.

Try developing a stronger sense of your uniqueness and core values, and you’ll more easily celebrate others’ successes. The bitterness of envy will gradually give way to more peace of mind and warmer relationships.

Love as humility

I once saw an orchestra and chorus perform Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. It was awesome, with hundreds of musicians performing as one. But the human body has trillions of cells working in harmony.

It took billions of years and gazillions of molecules for the first human being to emerge. Yet we often have greater awe for the trinkets and baubles that a human being possesses than for the person.

Instead of being grateful for eyes, liver, brain, and other miracles of biology, we feel entitled to all that and more. A sense of entitlement suppresses our gratitude.

Further, if I boast about having a bigger house than someone else, then I imply that I’m inferior to someone with an even bigger house. It’s the same for any of my boasts. But the emergence of human beings is so awe-inspiring that appearance, fashion, houses, cars, and other stuff all pale by comparison.

Boasting can temporarily quell my insecurity, but it still brings me one step nearer to feeling inadequate. It’s as if I’m ashamed of my unadorned self. Boasting also tends to repel others.

For years, I would gloss over my faults because I felt insecure and needed to maintain a veneer of perfection. Now I’m quicker to admit my faults, seeing myself as a life-long learner. I’m also slower to judge others and quicker to forgive, since we’re all imperfect and still learning.

Love as humility implies deep respect for the intrinsic worth of every human being. Deep respect for every individual, regardless of their status, helps banish feelings of inadequacy, encourages forgiveness, reduces a feeling of entitlement, and boosts gratitude.

Humility brings love to life.

Love as empathy

We would incubate eggs and hatch tiny chicks at home. Our little daughter adopted one. This chicken would run and jump into her arms.

Our daughter once tried to feed her chicken some bread. The chicken choked, and died within minutes.

We comforted her, reminding her that she didn’t knowingly do harm, and that we understood her feelings of grief and guilt. We held a funeral ceremony, lovingly burying the chicken in the garden. Love, as empathizing, can bring comfort to a relationship or home.

Stepping into the shoes of another is the powerful first step to serving them. This is true of customers too. Love, as empathizing and service, is at the heart of successful businesses.

I know a middle-aged executive in a tech company who spends most of her time in an office. When asked what she does, she says she helps people to enjoy life more. She’s referring to the software which her company markets.

Empathy can transform your work. Instead of being just a wage slave, you can express love through empathizing with, and serving, your company’s customers.

Empathizing brings love to life. Even some otherwise boring chores, at work or at home, can light up with meaning.

Love isn’t just something that happens to you. You can cultivate love, especially the five forms described above, starting today. In doing so, you’ll open the door to calmer acceptance of yourself, of others, and of life’s inevitable disappointments.

You’ll also be able to enjoy the journey of life, in the company of friends, with more gratitude and forgiveness.

Create more love today, and start experiencing the difference.

About Joel Almeida

Joel Almeida, Ph.D., is on a mission to help busy, successful people live with more calm, energy and brain-power: through science-based tips. These tips also help you reduce your risk of eventual dementia.   Get a free report which reveals the powerful device that can make you calmer within minutes (hint: you have this device already).

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  • SolSys

    Wonderful, wonderful article. Thank you so much for sharing! This was right on time for me, as I journey through one of the biggest personal transitions of my life – learning to love myself wholeheartedly. I have tried to embody some of these on & off over the years; a couple come more naturally than others. Overall, what you’ve said has deepened my understanding & I feel I can further improve in my practice of all of the above. So many parts spoke to me, but the one that stood out to me most was: “A perfectionist intolerant of failure, I was constantly trying to prove my worth.” It’s so amazing how differently I see perfectionism now versus when I felt compelled to be one.The stories to accompany each point made this piece even more powerful. Beautiful work!

  • So glad this helped! Thanks for your kind words. I agree that practice helps.
    Joel

  • Janel

    How can one cultivate patience? My mother is the most patient person I’ve ever met. I am the least. I have tried for years (20ish) to become more patient. It is something I continuously struggle with. I frequently feel discouraged, like I will never be a patient person.

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  • Janel,
    Your mother might have some good tips, as a very patient person. Most of us are probably learning to be less impatient.

    One thing that helps me is to notice the feeling of frustration or impatience as it arises, and to focus on my breath. This helps me resist the urge to show impatience. Practice helps. I hope to get better and better at this.

    We’re all learners, so there’s hope for us all. Best wishes for your journey of learning.
    Joel

  • Janel

    Ah! Focusing on the breath. It’s so simple, I can do that! I always notice when the feelings of impatience & irritation arrive & I always feel ashamed & angry with myself. This is a better way.

    As for my mom, patience comes so easily to her, she doesn’t know how she does it. “That’s one thing I’ve never had any trouble with,” she says, “I don’t know, I’m just patient.”

  • bigdo

    can’t give love anymore… I try.. but no one is accepting except the universe. I suppose that’s where patience comes in…

  • You seem like a patient and kind person. That makes you powerful as a source of love, including love and encouragement for yourself. Others have their own pre-occupations. Their choices and responses are not within our control, and sometimes not even within their control. I’ve been practicing the art of accepting uncomfortable feelings and life’s disappointments. The more I accept, the more easily I can do what I consider to be good and important. Discomfort becomes less of a ball and chain in my life.

    I hope you and I can both continue our journey of learning and living in more deeply satisfying ways.
    Joel

  • Great article. This is the first time I’ve thought about the different types of self love. The one I’m starting to get a grasp on is that when we have a choice between being right or being kind, choose kindness. I’ve made more people irritated and frustrated in my younger life that I care to admit. And on the flip side, I’ve seen what the insistent on being right does to someone: It often leaves them embittered and arrogant and the mood of the interaction highly tense.

    Another thing I wanted to add is something I picked up on the Big Shift with Bill Baren. When we meet people for the first time, most of us tend to make snap judgements about that person. Most of the time, it’s negative.

    The exercise we did was to think of as many positive and true things about a person as we can think of and say them out loud. By perceiving someone positively we often change the outcome of our interactions.

    What I mean is that if we assume negative qualities about a person, we will find those negative qualities. if we think of positive qualities about a person, we will find those positive qualities. It’s called confirmation bias. Or put it another way: We find what we are looking for.

  • Thanks for reading and sharing.

  • Aelio

    Wow man, great article. Very impressive how you articulated and organized all of this. What a wonderful message. Thank you