“Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” ~Steve Maraboli
Have you ever thought about why you can’t move forward? Have you wondered why you sabotage yourself? Have you ever questioned why you so easily feel anxious, depressed, and self-critical?
Inside each of us there’s an inner child that was once wounded.
To avoid the pain, we’ve tried to ignore that child, but s/he never goes away. Our inner child lives in our unconscious mind and influences how we make choices, respond to challenges, and live our lives.
My mum left me when I was six. I didn’t see her again until I was fourteen.
I don’t remember ever missing her. I told myself it was a good thing that she left, because no one was beating me anymore.
But now I had to prove myself to make my dad proud. He was all I had.
So I was one of the popular kids at school. I got good grades. I went to a top university to get a commerce degree and was hired into a big bank’s graduate program before I even graduated.
I worked for years in the finance industry, writing corporate lending deals, meeting clients, and selling derivatives trading tools. But I saw firsthand and up close how that was destroying people’s wealth and lives.
It didn’t align with my values. I felt like a zombie, taking the transit every day back and forth, living like a fraud.
But what else could I do? I had always believed that getting into finance was the way to success, and the wounded child within me was afraid of failing and disappointing my dad.
Then, on my twenty-ninth birthday, I stumbled upon an online art course and discovered my passion. But ditching finance to pursue the life of an artist wasn’t easy for me.
My dad was disappointed and angry, and he tried to change my mind. Now I understand that he was afraid for me. But at the time I was angry with him for not supporting me because deep down I was scared that he would no longer love me.
I knew then, to have the courage and strength to continue down the road less traveled, I had to heal my fearful, wounded inner child.
If you too feel lost, lonely, small, and afraid of losing love and acceptance, you may also benefit from healing the inner child who once felt insecure and not good enough. Saying these things to yourself is a good start.
Say These 7 Things to Heal and Nurture Your Inner Child
1. I love you.
As children, a lot of us believed that we needed to accomplish goals—get good grades, make the team, fill our older siblings’ footsteps—to be lovable.
We may not have had parents who told us we deserved love, no matter what we achieved. Some of us may have had parents who considered showing love and tenderness to be a sign of weakness. But we can tell ourselves that we are loveable now.
Say it whenever you see yourself in the mirror. Say it in any random moments. Love is the key to healing, so give it to yourself.
2. I hear you.
Oftentimes when we feel hurt, we push down our feelings and try to act strong. For a lot of us, this stems from childhood, when we frequently heard, “Quit your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
But those feelings don’t just go away. They fester inside of us, affecting the choices we make as adults until we make the conscious effort to hear them.
I never acknowledged that I felt abandoned when my mum left, but I did, and I carried that into my adult relationships. To heal, I had to acknowledge how her leaving affected me. I had to give a voice to all the pain I stuffed down back then.
Instead of suppressing the voice of your inner child, say, “I hear you. We’ll work through it. It’s going to be okay.”
3. You didn’t deserve this.
As children, many of us assumed that we deserved to be abused, shamed, or abandoned. We told ourselves that we were a bad kid, that we did something wrong.
But that’s simply not true. In many cases, the people who wounded us simply didn’t know any other way. Perhaps my mum was beaten as a child, so it was the only way she knew how to parent her daughter.
A child is innocent and pure. A child does not deserve to be abused, shamed, or abandoned. It’s not the child’s fault, and though we may not have had the capacity to understand this then, now, as adults, we do.
4. I’m sorry.
I’ve always been an overachiever. I considered slowing down a sign of weakness.
Not too long ago, I was constantly stressed about not doing enough. I couldn’t enjoy time with my kids because I’d be thinking about work.
One day it dawned on me that since I was a child I’d been pushing myself too hard. I never cut myself any slack. I would criticize myself if I simply wanted to rest. So I told my inner child I was sorry.
She didn’t deserve to be pushed so hard, and I don’t deserve it now as an adult either.
I’ve since allowed myself a lot more downtime, and my relationships with my loved ones have improved as a result.
5. I forgive you.
One of the quickest ways to destroy ourselves is to hold on to shame and regret.
The first night my mum returned home when I was fourteen, she asked to sleep with me. We only had two beds at that time, one for me and one for my dad. I couldn’t fall asleep, and I kept rolling around. Then all of a sudden, my mum blurted out, “Stop moving, you *sshole!”
The next day, I put a sign on my door that read “No Unauthorized Entry” to prevent her from coming in. My mum left again. Then, a few days after, my dad told me that they were getting a divorce (after being separated for eight years).
I thought it was my fault. Why did I have to roll around and so childishly put up a sign?
But now I know that their divorce wasn’t my fault. And I forgive myself for anything I could have done better. I was only a kid, and like everyone, I was and am human and imperfect.
6. Thank you.
Thank your inner child for never giving up, for getting through the tough moments in life together with you with strength and perseverance.
Thank your inner child for trying to protect you, even if her way was holding on to painful memories.
Your inner child doesn’t deserve your judgment. S/he deserves your gratitude and respect.
7. You did your best.
As a child, I always tried to outperform, to overachieve, to meet someone else’s standard, to be “perfect.”
I was always demanding and cruel to myself, and no matter how well I did, I never felt it was good enough.
But I did the best I could at the time, and you did too. We’re still doing the best we can, and we deserve credit for that.
When we let go of perfection, the fear of failure recedes. Then we can allow ourselves to experiment and see how things unfold.
—
I started saying these things to my inner child as I was recovering from depression. They’ve helped me experience more love, joy, and peace. They’ve helped me become more confident and compassionate.
My social worker, who first came to work with me after a self-cutting incident, recently asked me how I got to be so content and happy.
It started from acknowledging, accepting, and beginning the ongoing process of re-parenting my inner child.
What is the one thing you most want to say to your inner child today?
Sad child image via Shutterstock
About Lucy Chen
Lucy Chen is a Chinese-born, Australian-grown, Sydney-based artist, and a vegan chef for her family of two kids. She healed herself from depression through painting. Click here to download her latest book “Reconnect with Your Intelligent and Classy Inner Self Through Art,” and start the journey of reconnecting with your most authentic self.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Great post Lucy! For me, a lot of my childhood issues dealt with older siblings and how they treated me along with how some extended family treated me. All of it just got replayed in a long, unhappy marriage. I’ve learned it’s never too late to love our inner child and it’s one of the best things we can do for ourselves.
“Surprisingly”, Rebekah, my childhood issues resulted in a “long, unhappy marriage”, too!
Here is something extremely interesting that is worth to pay attention , a superb opportunity for work for those who want to utilise their free time to make some extra money using their computers… I have been working on this for last two and half years and I am earning 50-80 dollar/ hour … In the past week I have earned 13,245 dollars for almost 20 hours sitting ….
Any special kind of skills or qualification is not required for this, just normal typing and a reliable internet connection ….
Time limitations are not here to start work … You may work on this any time when you get some time ….
Check it out how I’ve been doing this….view WebsiteIink on my` profile` to know how I use to work on this`
$xs
What a truly perfect article, Lucy. I certainly can understand much of what you talk about, particularly when dealing with childhood trauma (CPTSD), like bullying. It’s amazing how, as adults, we still allow our child brain to talk to us in such was and can be influenced by these thoughts. We choose to be happy, be angry, be however we feel. It is hard to comprehend, but once we do, we can find true peace and happiness. Thank you for sharing this important article.
I think it’s being told, directly or indirectly, that we are flawed being who we are, that the wound cuts deep. When you’re bullied, you think there’s something wrong, something not enough with you. This goes to the unconscious mind and if we’re not aware of it, it can consume us.
Consume us is right. I am not afraid to say it did so with me and it took quite a bit of work to change that thinking style. I had to do a complete change of how I was living and thinking. It took a while, but now I have found out what it means to be truly happy with myself. Again, thank you.
Yes. Same here 🙂
This is something very interesting that is worth paying your extreme attention ,a very good chance to work for those people who want to use their free time so that they can make some extra money using their computers… I have been working on this for last two and half years and I am earning 60-90 dollar/ hour … In the past week I have earned 13,70 dollars for almost 20 hours sitting ….
Any special qualification, degree or skills is not necessary for this, just keyboard typing and a good working and reliable internet connection ….
Not any Time limitations to start work … You may do this work at any time when you willing to do it ….
Just know how I have been doing this…..….see this (webiste-Iink) on my !profile!` to know how I am working` on this`
#r4
l just received my second paycheck of $6395,72 workin` only few h on my Iaptop` past 5 days. My divorced’ friend with 3 kids at home, made over $10k her 1st month. It’s great makin’ this much money” when other people have to work for so much Iess. Go 2 my profiIe’ site-link to see what I do…..
>54
My Uncle Noah just got an almost new cream Volkswagen Golf R by working parttime off of a pc online.visit their website on my` prof1Ie`
%5555555555555
May` I Tell you `Something` `really` Interesting` and which is`Worth` paying` `Attention`. An `effective` and `excellent` online` `opportunity` for those people` who want to `utilise` their free time so that they can `Earn some `extra `Money` using their `computers`… I have been `working` on this for last two and half years and I am earning` 60-90 `dollar`/ hour` … In the `Past` `Week` I` Have `Earned` 13,70 `DoLLars` For `Almost `20` hours` `Sitting` ….
`Any` Special“kind` of `Skills, `Degree` or Specific qualification is not `required` for this, just `typing` and a `good` `working` and `reliable` `internet` `connection` ….
`Any` `Time` `Boundations` to `Start work` is not `Required` … You may do this `work` at any `time` when you `Willing` to do it ….
I have Been Working on this and Getting Results…..….Hope over to“website“ `page` `LINK` which is on Prrof!le of mine
ezsdt5gtft
I `Started` `Working` from `comfort of my `home`, by `Working` some Basic` jobs` That Only `Required` a `PC` and `Internet` `Access` and it’s the `Best `Job` i ever had… It’s Been `six` `months` since i started this and i got `Paid` so far in total 36 `Thousand` `Dollars`… Basicly i `profit` `80` `dollars`/hour` and work` for 3 to 4 h on daily basis.And the best part about this `Job` is that You get` to `Choose` Yourself when To `Work` and for how long and you get a `paycheck` `weekly.Hope over to“website“ `page` `LINK` which is On `Prrof!le` of mine
~“`
Congratulations, Lucy, for your transition from financial industry (the “real” job) to art. I know that wasn’t easy, especially with a lack of support from your dad.
I had a similar story pursuing a career as an attorney or a prosecutor, based on something my mom said when I was 12 years old. In addition to what you wrote, I’d explain to my inner child it was not her responsibility to take care of family, to provide for instead of adults.
Thank you for the post!
Hi Nina, did you transition into the attorney career or moving away from it? Thanks for sharing your experience.
Hi, Lucy! I am a lawyer, yes, but I’m working in an NGO as a legal counsellor for victims of domestic violence and other violence against women.
Big thumb up, Nina!
Tnx, Lucy. 🙂
I am so sorry you had to experience violence and abandonment from your mum. This article is beautiful and really resonated with me. My mum left when I was nine. I’m 35 now and I’m still healing from this. I’m learning to become my own nurturing parent to the inner child who is hurt and wounded from being abandoned. And although the process is still ongoing, I can feel so much has shifted within me. This article sums up all the things I am trying to do and puts it altogether so beautifully it will serve as a lovely reminder when I’m struggling. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Wow, Helen, it seems we have some similar experience 🙂 Take very good care of yourself. You deserve love and care, right here, right now!
Thank you so much Lucy for sharing such powerful insights with us. I am grateful to you and the Universe to redirect me to this. I shall keep them in mind always and put them to use. God bless you.
Thank you, Priyanka.
In a word…COURAGEOUS! I am sure all of us appreciate you sharing the pain of your inner child. No doubt most of us have some vestige of pain from our childhood. Regardless, if our experiences are not as horrific as yours, we all can benefit by practicing your “7 Things.” Thank you.
Thank you, Gary. There are people who has a lot more horrific childhood experience. Much worse physical abuse, or even sexual abuse, bullying and etc. But regardless of how severe or mild that “wounding” experience was, it does go deep down and affect our entire life. The first step is to become aware, then we can start healing ourselves, and lead a more fulfilled life, being wholly and truly who we are.
never compare your ‘wounds’ to anyone elses – a wound is a wound
YES! I totally agree with you.
I agree with Brier-a wound IS a wound. So, who are you to compare your pain to someone else’s?
These are wonderful, thank you. Several months ago I took all the smiling photos of me as a young child and created a collage that I put in my book of prayers and meditation. I look at the pictures then visualize myself greeting that child, taking her in my arms, loving her and letting myself be loved by her. We nurture each other in a way we didn’t feel nurtured, for whatever reason. I spend a short time finding joy in her, and having fun with her, then continue on with my other prayers and meditation.
What a wonderful way to meditate!
I’m going to be doing this too. Thank you Terry it’s cathartic to read and imagine so doing more of it will help.. Thanks for sharing. Thank you Lucy
Thank you so much for sharing, Lucy! This is such a beautifully written piece!
Thank you, Jessica!
Thank you Lucy for being so open and honest about your personal pain. I know how hard it is to open up and admit it to yourself never mind other people. I, still, cannot admit the truth of what a devastating childhood I had and it does affect my relationship with my children, my husband and my siblings but most of all it affects the relationship I have with myself. I think that my biggest fear is that if I do start to talk about it or even write it down then the flood gates will open and I will be consumed with anger, grief and extreme pain. It takes great courage to do what you did especially as you are in the public eye so to speak, may you find peace and happiness. Love and Blessings, Sharon xx
Hi Sharon, I remember from one of the Robcast (podcast by Rob Bell) episodes, Rob talked about the three stages of “things”. First there’s light, where you’re innocent and never experienced the dark. Then there’s pain and darkness. And last, you face it, walk through it, and come out the other side, and there, it is light again. It’s a whole new level of lightness. And this is not a one-off experience, but it keeps repeating, as we go through the 3 stages again and again and again… in life.
Doesn’t it resonate with how you feel right now? By all means, feel the anger, the grief and the extreme pain. Feel it, deeply. Embrace it. Accept it. So it’ll no longer feel ignored but heard. Walk through the pain, and come out on the other side, lighter than ever!
Do you want to know something really interesting that is worth paying your attention right now,a fabulous online opportunity to work for those people who want to use their free time so that they can make some extra money using their computers… I have been working on this for last two and half years and I am making 60-90 dollar/ hour … In the past week I have earned 13,70 dollars for almost 20 hours sitting ….
Any skills, Degree ,Specific qualification is not necessary for this, just keyboard typing and a good working and reliable internet connection ….
Any time limitations to start work is not required … You may do this work at any time when you willing to do it ….
Do you want to know how I have been doing this?…..….see this {Iink} on my !|profile|!` to know how I am working` on this`
fgfd*&6
Hi Sharon, you express exactly what I am feeling at the moment. I am loathe to admit the truth of my childhood and the affect it continues to have on me. Sadly I seem to have done the same to my children. It is time to stop and forgive myself and love myself but I am so scared of even contemplating revisiting these childhood feelings again.
My biological father walked out on my sister and me when we were infants. I saw him for the first time at eight, since the family court issued an arrest warrant for back child support. He spent time with us and stayed in contact, but it was short lived. I wanted to spend the night at his house, waiting for several hours to pick me up. He NEVER showed. I was heart broken, since he let me down. I kept asking myself if I did anything wrong to deserve that. Now, I know it wasn’t my fault for him of being an absentee father. Both him and his family are the biggest cowards.
I found out ten years ago that my sister and I have an older half brother. Honestly, I was in shock, and I didn’t know this man ever existed. He called the house, wanting to speak to us (he found my sister’s phone number in the phone book). I was mortified of him, and decided I wasn’t interested in getting to know him. Last year, he called my sister at her job, asking her co-workers about her whereabouts. Recently, his aunt wanted to speak to my sister. According to the aunt, her nephew told her where my sister worked. I feel he’s getting his family involved to do his dirty work. I know they’re curious about how my sister and I turned out, and unfortunately, it’s none of their business.
My mom gave my biological father’s side of the family EVERY opportunity to maintain a relationship with us. It was their decision to stay out of our lives. They can come up with every excuse, but it doesn’t justify their actions. I can’t forgive them, since they refuse to hold themselves accountable. They need to understand that they can’t force me to have a relationship with them, based on their guilty conscious. It’s not like I asked them to walk out of my life.
Thank you, Lucy for sharing your story, which took a lot of courage.
Hi LaTrice, I know each of us cope with our PAIN in different ways & many a times..there is hardly a right or wrong way. If I may share a perspective from what you said…could it be that your ‘half-older brother’ was just as much as in the dark about a lot of the situations that plagued you & your sister. Maybe, once he got older & realized more of the jest of the events from the past that took place with you guys & your father..he wanted to reach out to you guys & hopefully have some sort of a relationship. To be clear, I can only imagine how much of a sensitive topic this must be to you & I apologize in advance if I’m speaking out of place…
No, you’re not speaking out of place. You’re right. I feel that my older half brother was out of line for talking to my sister over the telephone while she was at her job. Worse of all, this man had the nerve to have his aunt do his dirty work, which I find completely unacceptable. It’s obvious he’s desperate, so him and the family could have written a letter to us. My sister and I aren’t children anymore; we’re adults. I can determine who gets to be a part of my life, and who’s no longer welcomed into my life. Sadly, my biological father’s family is one of them. For now, my mom, myself, and my sister have to be prepared for the unexpected.
“It’s obvious he’s desperate, so him and the family could have written a letter to us.” If you don’t mind elaborating; what do you mean by when you say…he is ‘desperate.’ As in rather than getting to know you guys; he has ulterior motives such as getting money & such?
Here’s the thing. I don’t care about his ulterior motives, since my sister and I made it perfectly clear that we weren’t interested in getting to know him. Although I haven’t seen and heard from my biological’s side of the family for the past twenty five years, they’re strangers. They had every opportunity to get to know us, but they chose NOT to do it. Twenty five years is a very long time, don’t you think?
Hi LaTrice, you decide who you let into your life. It seems to me, from what I read here, that a more respectful approach from your older half-brother would be better appreciated? Mind showing more courtesy, please? It seems he’s trying to force his way into your lives. But it maybe just how I read your story.
You’re right, Lucy. He’s forcing his way into our lives, which I find unacceptable. I wanted to get to know him, but after that stunt he pulled when his aunt showed up at my sister’s job, I’m not interested. I understand he’s curious, but he needs to respect my boundaries.
May` I tell you something` really` interesting` that is `worth` paying` `attention`. An `effective` and `excellent` online` `opportunity` to work` for those people` who want to `utilise` their free time so that they can `Earn some `extra `Money` using their `computers`… I have been `working` on this for last two and half years and I am earning` 60-90 `dollar`/ hour` … In the `Past` `Week` I` Have `Earned` 13,70 `DoLLars` For `Almost `20` hours` `Sitting` ….
`Any` Special“kind` of `Skills, `Degree` or Specific qualification is not `required` for this, just `typing` and a `good` `working` and `reliable` `internet` `connection` ….
`Any` `Time` `Boundations` to `Start work` is not `Required` … You may do this `work` at any `time` when you `Willing` to do it ….
I have Been Working on this and Getting Results…..….Hope over to“website“ `page` `LINK` which is on Prrof!le of mine
&00000000000000
Thank you Lucy Chen for speaking so truthfully from the heart. First off, let me say that I rarely chime in on serious discussions on the Internet, hence my comic avie, my disqus account is used for a few fun, lighthearted blogs I follow and comment on. Second, your article really struck a chord with me, as I rarely read about mothers being so cruel and unfeeling, as yours (and mine) was. I always thought I was born imperfect and as such needed much fixing from the start (as told by my mother). I have held on to this “fix myself” attitude for far too long into adulthood, way into my 30s. I’ve been through classic, cognitive, energetic, and alternative therapy, respectively, thinking that a flawed person such as myself should go all-out and “really apply myself” to fixing myself. I could not comprehend why all this therapy had brought me to a depression because it seemed (to me) I just could not get perfect enough. I sunk into a deep depression that I’m not sure even my “team” of therapists understood. Then, when I really turned inwards, in lieu of religiously traipsing to my various therapists for answers, any answers, it sort of hit me ‘out of the blue’ – it is ok, just because my mother drilled it into me that I was born a stupid mistake that can never be fixed, it did not make it so. And all the therapy in the world will not make any difference, if I do not learn to first get to know and then accept myself, as is. Your article brought tears to my eyes, as I spent so much time seeking quick fixes, in such pain, while never even attempting to question my mother’s view of me, as she used to say “a redundant child who should be grateful I allowed to live.” I used to be so focused on the *WHY?*, Why even have a child you cannot stand and abuse? Why was she like that? Why ME? Why didn’t I have a caring loving mother? It took me a long time to realize, my focus is better utilized on learning how to be kind and gentle with, and towards, myself, the *why* notwithstanding.
Oh Grace! How many times I have asked myself “WHY”! I carried that into my 30s, too. But I’ve found that self awareness is the first step in healing myself. And painting, especially self portraits, have been tremendously therapeutic.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your experience. Let me know if there’s anything I can help you with. I hope you live a happy and fulfilling and whole hearted life!
Your story bought tears to my eyes Lucy. I didn’t realise until now tht we shared such similar backgrounds. Well done you for turning your life around!
With love
Susan.
Thank you, Susan. How are you doing now?
Hi Lucy,
I needed your article. Thank you! My parents often compared me to other children,
who were more beautiful and smart than I was, according to them. 25
years later I still could not accept any compliment. I am learning to
change this now and repeat to my inner child “You are good just as
you are.”
Spread your art and healing Lucy, the world needs it.
Love,
Esther
Thank you, Esther.
Fantastic post! I have done quite a bit of inner child work, and it is truly a beautiful process and result! Wonderful insight and wisdom, thank you for sharing this wonderful message and perspective on healing!!! I love at then end when you wrote…”It started from acknowledging, accepting, and beginning the ongoing process of re-parenting my inner child.” … AWESOME! 🙂
🙂 Thank you!
Thank you for your article Lucy. I think you said it perfectly on how to heal and nurture your inner child. Actually, your article made me tear up a bit! I also believe that I have an inner child that needs attention more than I think. My mom never left me, but she was depressed when she was pregnant with me and while raising me when I was a baby. Although I love her and she means the world to me, I do think her depression affected me in lots of way (I was a super shy kid and still shy! I worry a lot, hard on myself, etc).
On a different note, I also resonate with you on your job situation. I’m also in the finance industry (I’m an accountant). It’s not much that my job doesn’t align with my value, but it’s more like I feel empty inside with this career. I worked so hard to get to where I am, yet, I have a feeling “is there all that is?”
I recently started a blog in a way to find my passion. I mean you’ve already found yours and I would love to hear more about how did you do it? I guess I’m just scared not knowing where I’m headed and feel completely lost (and yes, I would also disappoint lots of people if I quit this job). What would be your advise to someone like me who just started this new path?
Also, here’s my website if you want to check it out: http://www.startsimplifying.com
Hi Sonia, I think “start simplifying” is a great message. I try to simplify in my life, too.
Tiny Buddha good resources on how to find your meaning. If you google “tiny buddha meaning”, or “tiny buddha self discovery”, you may come across something very helpful.
For me personally, I think there are a few things to finding our path or passion. 1) acknowledge that we’re on a journey, and as long as we are alive, there’s no end to that journey, so we’re always evolving and discovering and navigating; 2) Getting to know your core values and what comes most natural to you, your natural style. Try to block out the noise of what you “should be” and get inside yourself; 3) Keep a little journal, yes journaling does help a lot in self discovery and self awareness. It can be a visual or a text journal; 4) Learn new things. You’ve got to explore and experience more things before you hit the one that strike a chord.
What do you think?
My Uncle Carter just got a twelve month old Mercedes G-Class G63 AMG read the full info here on my` prof1le`
+KGKMG
My Uncle Carter just got a twelve month old Mercedes G-Class G63 AMG read the full info here on my` prof1le`
&*************HJKGHK
Thank you. This truly resonated with me. I have dealt with anger and depression due to a chaotic childhood too and reconnecting with my inner child has truly freed me from shame and guilt.
Love love love…so powerful in its simplicity and we must say this to our adult selves as well…every day!
Very good Article. My ‘successful’ life coping mechanism has been to stay in the present at my current age. I thought this was an excellent way to deal. I suffocated (unknowingly) my innocent inner child. And now I am working through all of the pain at once. I ignored my inner child hoping to quiet her. Eventually my behavior came out (selfish /attention seeking/destructive). Thankfully I am aware now and working to nurture my inner child.
“Instead of suppressing the voice of your inner child, say, “I hear you. We’ll work through it. It’s going to be okay.”
This is an excellent and generous pice of writing – thanks especially for the sentence above. I hear you on every point. I experienced exponential healing myself, several years ago, when I came to dialogue in writing with my small girl-self after reading an excellent book on abandonment and healing. Well. She had a lot to say. Also, my adult self had to regain her trust, as my small girl inside had been silenced for too long, as I bungled about betraying our deep needs and wants, our joy in life. Everything shifted when the conversation kept going, evolving and opening – my psyche firmed up and I found new grounded-ness within as my PTSD symptoms waned.
Fast forward eight or so years and I’m in quite a muck, so much transition in my life after many years of same old, and I just do not respond well to uncertainty and insecurity, I get all doomsday. This is the thing about complex childhood PTSD. You can be so busy fighting the world and your feelings and so drained of energy, you either ‘forget’ or feel paralyzed to take healthy actions to which you must commit to stay well. But it’s a tricky loop, because if you are out of touch with your core / inner essence, in PTSD-induced trigger from a life event (professional job loss or a breakup, death or grief etc.) and feeling worthless and flat, for example, then the disconnection makes it so hard to take positive action on one’s own behalf.
Thank you again for the reminder, and for so openly sharing your experience and wisdom in this article.
Just beautiful. Thank you for writing this. : ). It’s exactly what I needed to hear.
What you shared is so inspiring. Thank you so much! I’ll keep this text with me because I realize I need to heal my relationship with my inner child in many ways. Gratitude for this!
You matter. Never forget that.
This is my story…when I was 28 I thought about leaving my partner because of his drinking…couldn’t deal with it but what I didn’t know was that I had an abandoned inner child then and no relationship with god. God was any authority figure who filled the role. She said then later wrote . .you must leave that marriage . .I have been through unimaginable depression and homeless many times since then. Many people my age have grandkids or hoping for them..I just hope for someone who will love me. Now I understand that the anxiety and frantic panic attacks are my inner child looking for someone . ,anyone to hold onto..I get this now. I have to pray alit. It isn’t about forgiving her..it’s about forgiving me for asking her
Dear one, do not take your life because of what your father could not provide, do not assume that because he blmaes you its your fault, take a stand dear one and insist on getiing back the money he stole, he is rich in money terms, you are rich in integrity. Even if it means losing him, . Dear one, find your tribe slowly, you might have no partner but you are getting more and more amazing friends around.
I needed your wisdom today. Survivor of abuse (molestation, physican, verbal) my WC is hurting, my husband frequently tells me to leave and accuses me of cheating. My WC is persistant on fixing the relationship and waiting it out until he changes but the relationship is very unhealthy and damaging. Im going against my own standards and values but have made up my mind to leave for good. Thanks for the article.
Hello, I just ran into this post. I was reading & started crying, due to feeling the same as all of you. I’m 66, I didn’t understand any of my childhood. Yet,working to open my eyes ,none of what took place had anything to do with inner child. I took the abusive events in as cruel to my life but ,didn’t include me.I was sort of rejected from it all.Yet also,I found I was rejected as I thought.I had SAD,seasonal affective disorder. So going thru what I remember, nothing bad happened. I make it up thru confusion. Mom kept me very tightly to her,even at 19 I had to stick with her,could not work,drink socialize. But 19 I met hubby,ended 37 yes later abuse.
Hi Lucy, Even though this response is late to your original post. your empowering article still reaches out. Thank you for sharing your heart-felt story and good guidance into healing and opening up a conversations with our inner child. I could relate to the pain and confusion and misguided placements of self worth.
My story is that I am currently moving through a Dark Night of the Soul experience–so I am being forced to deal with past trauma that is now being brought up by the psyche & Soul. In my case, I am an ABC (American born Chinese) that was born in the mid 1960’s. It was also the Vietnam War era and Asians in the US were subject to much more racism. As a young kid, I had to face the vitriol and the rejection that came from my fellow classmates and adults. As a kid, I didn’t understand the reasons why, I just felt the pain, hate, and rejection. I now understand that many of my coping/defense mechanisms (developed back then) continue into this day. I had no real friends. What makes it worse is being an HSP and empath–so the traumatized energy/feelings (back then) were amplified and thus impacted much more.
My inner child work has at least started. It’s been a slow ongoing journey of discovery and healing so far. In reaching out to my inner child, I’ve befriended a lonely, sensitive, angry, hateful, fearful, betrayed, yet fascinating inner child that just is so deserving of acceptance, love and so much more. I know that both of us (my inner child & I) will heal, bond, trust and ‘move-on’ together.
Blessings, light, & love.
Thank you for sharing. It took a lot of courage to step out and tell your sorry. God bless you!
Excellent article!! And so true! And, in addition to saying these things to that little you, you can also CHANGE those childhood memories – to where you grew up with both parents treating you the way you should have been treated! 🙂 Where you felt safe, valued, and loved by both parents. You can create NEW childhood memories where – whenever you walk into a room, your parents’ faces light up. You can change the old childhood memories to memories of connection, affection, encouragement, support, love, fun, security, respect… and so on. 🙂
How many years or decades does it take for these things to work? I have been doing them fir a while, and they aren’t making a difference to my Inner Child, who just keeps saying;
“YOU’RE not any of the people that I need to hear these things said and meant by! I need them from EACH AND ALL of the people who HURT AND DAMAGED me — and you AREN’T ANY of those people!!! Till THAT happens, NOTHING DOING!!!!!!”
So … _now_ what?!
No matter how much i try to push it away, eventually my inner child’s need for diapers came back after many years. Now this isn’t about regressing into paraphilic infantilism, in actuality my inner child is trying to heal and the diapers are part of the reason. I still don’t know why a part of me wanted to wear diapers again, and so here i am doing such a thing. Before you judge me i mostly wear them just to wear them, and use the restroom like anyone else. I mainly would wear them in the comfort of the home, and while out in public i’m wearing my boxers and doing what adults do. Instead of me regressing i’m still the same man i usually am. This need for diapers is something i tried to convince my inner child not to want. However i can only guess why my inner child wants them so i listen to his needs now.
Don’t judge me just because i do this, believe me i’m not even sure where this desire came from to begin with. I’m not sure if it was early trauma at 3 being sent into a foster home ripped away from my parents for a weekend or that rugrats episode where Angelica for her birthday decides to wear diapers again. Then again it could be the emotional abuse i went through during my pre-teen, teen and adult years. This is still something i’m trying figure out with myself and i’m 31 living life rather maturely otherwise i still take care of myself and all. I’ll tell you this much personally diapers do present a level of comfort when you’ve come home from a stressful day. Overall i still do everything else adults normally do.
At least try to understand.
Thanks.
Shulk, no judgment here, but rather a suggestion. When I was learning self-hypnosis, I was taught that the subconscious doesn’t hear negative words like “no,” “not, “don’t,” and so in. In other words, I was told not to say things to myself like “I don’t need a cigarette,” but rather to rephrase things in a positive way. This means saying things to yourself like, “I can be free of cigarettes,” “I want to smell good,” and “I’m stronger than nicotine.”
So if you were to want not to wear diapers anymore, you’d say things to yourself like “I am a mature adult who wears underwear,” “I am comfortable and strong in adult underwear,” and so on.
Caveat: maybe the therapist was wrong, and maybe the subconscious *does* respond to negatives. I dunno, but I’ve been practicing self-hypnosis since I was 16 (that was thirty years ago) to help with migraines and cluster headaches, and have had pretty good success.
And it certainly won’t hurt to reframe things in a positive way.
Good luck whichever way you decide to go, diapers-free or not.
great article! you did a wonderful act by writing and sharing this post. its worth keeping (bookmarked)
What a very moving and personal post. How very true that we all have some variation on this theme. I was a first born and an over achiever. Luckily, my parents were kind, but I too never felt that I did enough or was perfect enough. Now I hear from my younger sisters that all they heard about was all that I did and was– so they carried a level of resentment and I never heard the praise. Funny how it all goes. At any rate, NO MATTER the details, I am sure we ALL need to be kinder to our inner child and ourselves for our mistakes and regrets. We all have them! And life is better with healing!!! BIG hugs to you, dear Lucy!!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing, the power of Inner Child work is not highlighted enough. Inner child healing is powerful for the child that is emotional neglected child, the child that is traumatised or afraid. I love using and teaching Inner Child Skills To Empaths and HSP’s
Thank you so much I have been talking to my hidden child lately as it’s the final step I didn’t know I needed to take to reach the place of contentment . I had just sat and said almost everything you said we should but there were a few tgat made me sigh and cry . Thank you so much Love & Light 🙏
Hi Lucy! I would like to compose a song based on that text. It’s for my Instagram. do you allow it? I play guittar and sing. I like to help the people with music.
Absolutely none of this works with my inner child, who doesn’t “buy” any of it! For instance, she rejects and despises being told “I forgive you” because she knows she’s done nothing that needs any forgiveness! So that, and other material on your list of things to tell her, is hugely triggering and hurtful to her. So, what should I say or do now?
this is several years old but i needed it today. ❤️
This was the article I needed to read during my shadow work and inner child work.
The last one really hit home for me, in school teachers told me “all you can do is try your best”, I would then try my best and tell the teachers “you said I should try my best, I did” only for them to reply with “well Jasmine, your best wasn’t good enough” and don’t get me started on the whole withholding affection from your children unless they do something you approve of or being mad at them because they’re not a carbon copy of YOU. I have so much unpacking to do
Wow! Good on you Lucy. You put that unconscious zombie to sleep for good. Thx for sharing.
Thank you so much , your article helped me a lot from depresion and anxiety.