How to Stay Kind Without Losing Yourself to Toxic Behavior

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“The strongest people are the ones who are still kind after the world tore them apart.” ~Raven Emotion

A few months ago, I stopped being friends with my best friend from childhood, whom I had always considered like my brother.

It was a tough decision, but I had to make it.

In the past five years, my friend (let’s call him Andy) had become increasingly rude and dismissive toward my feelings.

Not a single week went by without him criticizing me for being optimistic and for never giving up despite being a “failure.”

Still, I tried to be understanding. I really did.

I knew he was always stressed because he was going to graduate from college two years later than his peers.

And I knew he felt insecure about not being as rich and successful as “everyone else.”

But one can only take so much, and after so many years, I just couldn’t anymore.

It’s hard to keep showing up with warmth and patience when the other person not only doesn’t appreciate you but even attacks you for being “naive in the face of reality.”

(Yeah, he’d somehow convinced himself that I was in denial about my lack of success—as if the only way to react to failure were to get angry and frustrated.)

If you’ve always tried your best to be kind and gentle, you too might have been in a similar situation and wondered at least once, “Why bother?”

Because even though we don’t expect trophies or medals, a complete lack of appreciation can become difficult to accept after a while, and a simple “thank you” can start to matter more than we wish it did.

I’ll admit that, because of Andy, I almost gave up on being a kind person multiple times.

Luckily, I didn’t, and in the months that led to my difficult decision, I learned some important lessons on how to stay kind even when it starts to feel like there’s no point to it.

I hope these lessons will help you stay true to yourself, too.

1. Make sure you’re not using kindness as a bargaining chip.

Just as positivity can become toxic, there is such a thing as a harmful way of sharing kindness.

Here’s what I mean.

In my teenage years, I used to be what some would call a “nice guy.”

You know, the type of guy who prides himself on being nice, except he’s really not.

In typical “nice guy” fashion, I treated kindness as a transaction. (”I’m doing all these things for them, so they should do the same for me” was a typical thought always floating in my mind.)

I would be nice and generous to others, but I would always compare what they did for me to what I had done for them.

Then, if they didn’t reciprocate in a way that I found satisfactory, I would secretly start to resent them.

It’s not my proudest memory, but it shows how even something positive like kindness can be weaponized.

And it’s not just “nice guys” who do that, either.

Many parents make the same mistake: they try to guilt their children into showing gratitude or obedience by bringing up all the sacrifices they’ve made for them.

Of course, all this does is make the kids feel bad and even distrustful, as they may start to wonder whether their parents’ sacrifices were made out of love or selfish motives.

Because when kindness is given conditionally, it stops being about helping—it becomes about satisfying one’s desperate need for appreciation.

Needless to say, this is unhealthy for all parties involved.

That’s why it’s best to…

2. View kindness as an expression of who you are.

It’s easy to forget—especially when it goes underappreciated for too long—that kindness should be, fundamentally, an expression of yourself.

You are kind because it’s who you are, not because you want someone else’s approval.

When I look back on my friendship with Andy, I’m obviously not happy about all the times he attacked my self-esteem, dismissed my feelings, and put cracks in our relationship without a second thought. However, I can at least be proud that I didn’t let that break me and instead stayed strong.

Because that’s what this is about.

Being kind, even in the absence of thanks, is an act of self-respect.

It’s not about wanting others to notice.

It’s about staying true to yourself, regardless of how unappreciative others might be.

3. Remember you’re allowed to withdraw your kindness.

Kind people always struggle with this.

We worry that if we quit going above and beyond for someone, it might mean that we’re not good people anymore.

This is why it took me so many years to finally stop being best friends with Andy: I was afraid of being told I wasn’t really kind after all.

I didn’t want that to happen, so I kept being as generous as possible, despite how often he hurt me.

For years, I kept cooking, doing the dishes, vacuuming, mopping, and doing all sorts of chores that normally would be divided equally among roommates.

I wanted to do my best to give him as much time and space to focus on his studies (although I was in his same situation and had my own studying to do).

I refused to see that he didn’t plan on treating me any better.

In fact, years before, he’d already made it clear he didn’t believe I deserved to be repaid for all the things I did.

Yet, I just let him disrespect me and hurt me and kept being kind to him. Because kindness shouldn’t be conditional, right? Because it should just be an expression of yourself, right?

But here’s what I now understand: just because you shouldn’t expect people to treat you well in exchange for your kindness, it doesn’t mean you should accept being treated badly.

There’s a limit to how much thanklessness you can tolerate before it starts eating you up inside.

You have every right to pause or withdraw your kindness when you’re being treated poorly. This is about setting healthy boundaries. You’re not being selfish or arrogant.

I can’t believe how long it took me to realize that unconditional doesn’t mean boundaryless.

Kindness with zero boundaries isn’t kindness at all but self-abandonment.

There’s nothing noble about completely neglecting yourself just to be as generous as possible to someone else.

Be kind because that’s who you are, but don’t let yourself be taken for granted.

4. Don’t let negative people convince you to quit.

We all know people who are never content with feeling miserable by themselves, so they try to make others feel just as miserable.

And when they keep criticizing you for being a “goody two-shoes” just because you have a positive attitude, it’s hard to stay unperturbed.

You may even start to question yourself and if you should maybe stop being a positive person.

But let me assure you: letting negative people decide what kind of person you should be and what kind of life you should live is NEVER a good idea.

Because, again, some people just want to tear others down.

You could change your whole personality and become exactly like them, and they would still criticize you and judge you.

Why? Because the reason they hurt others in the first place is that they’re (unsuccessfully) wrestling with their own problems.

It’s not about you being “too nice” or “fake.” It’s about them not being able to find it in themselves to be patient and generous and always choosing to just lash out instead.

Good people are never going to criticize you for being kind.

Even if they believed that your brand of kindness might not be pleasant in some instances, they’d just tell you. They wouldn’t try to make you feel bad.

Stay True to Yourself

When kindness feels thankless, it’s easy to wonder if it’s even worth it—especially if the thanklessness comes from someone we care about.

I’ve been there more times than I can count, and yes, it always feels awful.

But kindness isn’t merely a way to please others—it’s how we respect ourselves.

You have the right to press PAUSE or STOP when someone disrespects you too much.

You don’t have to let others take you for granted just because you’re worried they might have something to say about your genuineness.

Because, honestly, what if they did?

You don’t need their approval.

You’re kind because you’re kind. It’s that simple.

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