“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl
There’s probably no worse feeling in life than the feeling of being rejected. Whether it’s from the opposite sex, a friend or family member, or co-workers, the feeling that our presence is not wanted or no longer welcomed can cause us to feel hurt and become defensive.
I’ve learned a couple of ways of dealing with rejection when it arises in various situations, and for taking the sting out of it.
The first thing to realize is that rejection isn’t personal. Not really, anyway. It only seems that way because that’s how we tend to look at it.
I’ve found that when people reject us, there are times when there’s something we can learn from it, and there are other times when it’s completely on the other person.
So, let’s take a look at these two experiences of rejection, and discuss ways for dealing with them…
When Our Behavior Turns Others Off
People sometimes reject us because of the behavior we exhibit in our interactions with them. When people feel uncomfortable, they’re instinctively going to want to prevent themselves from experiencing annoyance or irritation. And their obvious solution is to remove themselves from our presence.
The result is that we end up feeling rejected by it.
But that’s why rejection isn’t personal. In this case, they’re not rejecting us; they’re rejecting our behavior.
And though it is true that we sometimes associate and attribute our behavior with our identities, it’s not really the case. After all, if you change some of your behavior, aren’t you still the same person? Just because you choose to act in a different way, that doesn’t mean you’re not yourself.
When I was twenty, I had a big crush on a girl I worked with. We went out a few times and it seemed to start off well. But slowly, she started to pull away and avoid me.
It stung. And for a while, I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. I thought about what a great guy I thought I was, and wondered why she couldn’t see that, and why she wasn’t coming to her senses.
But I soon realized that my problem was this: I was focused on why she should like me, not why she didn’t.
I later discovered that I had been acting in ways that made her uncomfortable, ways that turned her off and repelled her, all without realizing it at the time.
I’d call her too often, I’d give her too much attention, always lingering around, I’d buy her gifts to try to buy her affections… the list went on and on.
Once I discovered that these things turned her off, I set out to eliminate them from my interactions in the future. And my results in the dating department changed drastically when I did.
There are lots of behaviors that make almost everyone feel uncomfortable, including dumping our complaints on others, acting needy and clingy, bragging about ourselves, being defensive and argumentative, being overly critical and judgmental of other people, and many more.
Addressing these behaviors takes some introspection. We have to discover what’s motivating them in the first place. And what usually motivates them, ironically, is the desire to gain approval from others.
When we recognize these behaviors and work on them, we’re less likely to make others feel uncomfortable. This doesn’t guarantee other people won’t reject us, but it does decrease the odds that they’ll want to avoid us.
When We Fail To Meet Others’ Expectations
People can also reject us because of their own personal prejudices, values, or beliefs.
I’m talking about those situations where someone else has certain expectations for us that we don’t meet up to. This is the case of the son who wants to be a musician, but whose father wants him to be a lawyer. If the son pursues his dream, his dad is going to reject him.
Or the introverted and reserved boyfriend who feels rejected because his girlfriend criticizes him for not being more outgoing, like her.
Sometimes rejection is simply caused by an incompatibility of values, beliefs, or personality types between people.
This is that scenario where rejection happens because people disagree with our life choices, or because they simply have different opinions, lifestyles, or personalities than us.
In these cases, all you can really do is accept that someone else is rejecting you because of their expectations for you. Again, it isn’t really personal. It’s often due to someone else’s inability to accept you for who and where you are. And they are entitled to that choice.
Accept that this is generally their issue, not yours. Or it could just be a compatibility issue neither of you is responsible for.
Knowing How to Respond to Rejection
It’s not always easy to recognize if there’s something to learn from rejection, or if the rejection is merely a consequence of someone else’s unmet expectations. But the distinction becomes much clearer when we develop self-awareness about our behaviors and how they affect others.
Either way, understanding the causes of rejection can take the sting out of it, because it’s never about who we are; it’s about what we’re doing. And we can either work to change our choices, or recognize that someone else is unable to accept them, and that’s completely on them.
Rejection image via Shutterstock
About Keenan Patram
Keenan Patram is a thinker and writer. His interests revolve around deepening his understanding of human nature and identifying why some people succeed in life while others fail.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Unfortunately, people cannot disassociate behavior from the person. People don’t care to know whether you are having a bad day, you are going through some tough times. They just see this behavior and automatically “tag” you with it. Even though the behavior might be (and should be!) transitory, shaking off that perception or “tag” is quite difficult once you get it. I guess it is a variation of “judging the book by the cover”, imho.
I have seen this far too much myself, we are more than our behavior. Of course we also have to work at understanding this as well, and not make snap judgements about the people around us. Everyone deserves a chance is what I’ve been trying to live by. It does create a more relaxed atmosphere when others feel they don’t have to try so hard to impress.
Yes. Our culture (U.S.) is so GO-GO-GO and devalues introspection and empathy as wastes of time; therefore if it takes any time to stop and reflect on how another person might feel, that time is seen as a waste — something to be avoided.
This is a really good post. I enjoyed reading it. You make a great point that there are times when we have something to learn from rejection, and other times it’s just a compatibilty issue. I used to be devastated by rejection. I always assumed it was me every time. Once I was hurt so bad that I just learned to deal with it. I learned to not reject myself. After that, I have had less problems with rejection and other people’s perceptions of me. But there are still times when it hurts. Some people are more sensitive to these things than others. It seems that the most sensitive people are the ones who get rejected the most, because they care and are conscientious of themselves around others. People who don’t care about rejection are usually comfortable with themselves and get rejected less. Still, I wouldn’t trade insensitivity for acceptance.
“Still, I wouldn’t trade insensitivity for acceptance.” That’s beautiful; try to never lose that about yourself…
Being sensitive is a double-edged sword, for sure. But without that sensitivity we would not have empathy for others and also would not have the capacity for introspection. Both are necessary qualities for a spiritual path.
The key that the author mentions is not taking on that as a harsh judgment against ourselves. It can be difficult. For me it started in childhood with a verbally abusive mother. Every time I am rejected or perceive rejection it takes me right back to that vulnerable place. I have to remind myself that the situation is not the same and that I am not powerless like I was before. And that my mother was screwed up and her judgments of me were not correct.
Therapy is very helpful in this process. At the same time of course I have made mistakes and hurt people so I have to face that and see what changes I need to make. Frankly at this point the best way I can differentiate between situations that are my fault and those that are not is to talk to my therapist. He is very good at helping me to understand other people’s points of view. That in no way means that other people are always right, but they are not always wrong either.
Ironically, sensitive people can come across as uncaring, even when we care a great deal. That is because of defensiveness. We are afraid that what we have done is an indictment against the core of our being.
In order to face the things I have done wrong and not be defensive I have to remind myself that I am a Child of God and that despite what I have been taught I am not evil, I only make mistakes. There is that part of me that is Divine and wholly good and that will never change. I simply need to align myself with that part of me.
Superb comment
Thanks Keenam, nice article. Look forward to reading more of your thoughts!
Thanks Keenan, look forward to reading more of your thoughts!
The author left out the main theme: Energy (Chi). People will unconsciously, subconsciously, and consciously reject a person carrying bad energy (toxic aura) …it’s a basic survival instinct. Often, others judge character within seconds, before words are spoken. Clean your Chi and people will come to you instead of walk away. …this is no easy task for those who are damaged and refuse to leave their damage in the past.
That’s a great point you made about the ENERGY & I’m a big believer in that as well. Even though the author didn’t use the world, Chi (energy), I think he pretty much meant the same thing more or less in these sentences… “People sometimes reject us because of the behavior we exhibit in our interactions with them. When people feel uncomfortable, they’re instinctively going to want to prevent themselves from experiencing annoyance or irritation. And their obvious solution is to remove themselves from our presence. The result is that we end up feeling rejected by it.”
Scott, I couldn’t agree with you more.
High Five to the author of this article. Great points and an overall wonderful share. I like your areas of interest feel free to share other things by email with me at aschauz@gmail.com whether you have a blog i can sign up to or daily or weekly emails i would be interested. Again thanks for the share.
How do you clean your Chi? I am having a lot of problems with family members and I am not comfortable being around them. I carry a lot of anger and while I am not sure whether the will invite me for the holidays, if they do invite me I am afraid my suppressed anger will affect our interactions. The husband is doing something that is morally wrong and that affects the entire family, including me. It is hard to forgive when someone is metaphorically standing on your foot and when you say “Ow!” he claims he has a right to stand on your foot and you are the problem, not him. Whether I am around him or not, he is still “standing on my foot.” It is something that is not within my power to change, unfortunately.
He is taking financial advantage of my father by not looking for a job. My father will make threats to cut them off, but he does not follow through. My father is not wealthy and needs to save his money for himself.This affects me as well because I am disabled and I would like to have some inheritance left for me if I need it. This has been going on for years.
Sorry for the rant. I am wondering whether anyone has any advice for me as far as how to clear out these negative emotions. I have already accepted that there is nothing I can do in this situation. Talking with my father has not helped and it is his decision since it is his money.
If you have the money, I would highly recommend studying the Alexander Technique. Nothing has helped me more in developing a positive vibe and a better control over my internal reactions to life’s situations! Essentially, it’s a technique to learn how to direct one’s Chi (at least that’s what one of my teachers claimed). The term used, however, is “Direction.”
It’s no quick fix, though. Like all true progress, the improvements are usually slow and gradual. I still feel I have a long way to go. But it’s well worth the money, time, and effort.
Thank you for the advice! I’ll check into it. Good article!
Hi Keenan,
Does anyone need to worry about energy issues when issues are clear? I don’t know about this energy theory. I prefer to deal issues directly first. I believe if a person ill treats me, most probably I allow it. I’m to be blamed for that. I can understand if I’m in an inferior position where I’ve to take it. Even there, my responsibility for removing myself from that situation remains.
My questions will be ‘Why do I tolerate that person? Do I need that person? Why I cannot live without that…? What are my real feelings about myself & others? You get my point.
By the by, I’m saying all these with due respect to you & Pixie5, and I agree that I don’t know her difficulties. I respect her/anyone rejecting my questions. Everyone has a right to one’s own way. Just that I approached it in another way.
What does energy issues being clear mean to you?
It means nothing to me, as I’ve not read about the ‘energy theory’ yet. All I wanted is a direct action on problems wherever possible. People tend to escape by theorizing their problems rather than facing them. Yes, sometimes I’m also guilty of it.
I prefer to use the term charisma or personal magnetism as opposed to “energy” because it’s less abstract.
If you’re interested in this topic, I’ll be posting an article on it on my blog today or tomorrow.
Lots of narcissists have charisma and personal magnetism, but that doesn’t mean they’re more “highly evolved.” Quite the opposite: They simply know how to push people’s buttons.
I thought that the Alexander technique was to ease and heal physical discomfort, due to trigger points. ie:muscle knots.
Be aware most people on this planet dwell in unevolved Chi and will in fact reject the person with higher Chi.
It’s a big thing in this century. Look into it. This is the Kali Age.
Just sayin’.
So true snowflake, I am going through that right now!
Well said. Truely that is my experience in this world with people and implemented it as a fact and except it.
Don’t understand much of what you say. In lay terms are you saying that spiritually “lower functioning” people usually reject spiritually “higher functioning” people?
And what, pray tell, is chi? Please don’t assume we all understand this.
No I don’t agree with that
So within seconds people will know if your worth talking too ? What if you have the intent to ge to know them
And they reject you without getting to know you . I say do not give those people that much power
FUck ‘em
opposite sex…how does that apply to gay folks? Please be inclusive
the author was using a personal footnote in the article, the rest is inclusive. Read it again and figure it out.
-a fellow queer
Since he is not gay then he could not possibly include that since he was sharing personal experiences. I am not sure why you feel the article could not apply to gay people. But if you need more than what this author can provide then perhaps you should be seeking out gay authors to clarify things for you.
Thank you. It is not heterosexuals’ job to cater to us at every whim. We’re not glass unicorns and I am tired of this perception. Whaddaya wanna bet the complainer is a straight “pansexual” trying to kiss up to us, um per usual. It’s tired, chica. Let it go. We’re not helpless and we don’t need you. The guy’s article is written just fine.
jj, you’re right. In my first paragraph I wrote the “opposite sex” when using something like “love interest” would have been more inclusive. Being a straight guy, I never considered this before, so thanks for pointing it out. It will probably affect my approach to writing articles in the future.
Don’t apologize. Tell people like this, who like to gaytroll websites, “As soon as you include heterosexual women on Grindr, sure, I promise to get right to it” and notice how they shut up.
I’m gay. The article’s fine. I switch pronouns in my mind. What’s your limitation that you somehow can’t do this?
Shaddup.
jj, the author was using a personal footnote in the article, the rest is inclusive. Read it again and figure it out.
-a fellow queer
I’m working on this right now too; the best thing you can do is get out of your own way. When you stop seeing yourself as the center of everything, things that happen to and around you will not rock your world. Decenter yourself and you’ll be less affected by everything that happens; you’ll be able to see the forest for the trees.
Keenan, this post really resonated with me. It was perfect timing!!! Thank you fir writing this.
Glad to be of service to you.
Keenan came across this site by accident, or so I seemed at first.
Please can you try and make me understand what rejection I’m experiencing.
Met a guy who was hurt and lied to by the woman he loved. Then he met me 9yrs later. Inbetween those years he was a player . He claimed he fell in love with me as I did with him. We in diffirent countries him egypt me south africa. We will chat and suddenly he will block off all communication when he comes back he claims he is scared of being hurt. After commuting again he comes back and tells me about past girlfriend 9yrs ago. Then we decide to try again. All is good then all of a sudden same rejection
We both honestly feel that we belong together .but I can’t keep on living with the rejection and also not willing to let go yet. ..
Please I’m so confused
Nice article.
This did not make me feel better at all, unfortunately. I don’t know why I was “rejected” and I’m not about to ask her. I’m only left with assumptions and I think that is what makes it harder… not knowing why.
Marco you don’t need to know why, you just have to take care of you and that’s all that matters.
But if we’re often rejected, we *do* need to know why, so we can improve. Without feedback, there’s no hope for improvement.
Why u people always want to win..u r not a god. keep patience. It’s time issue. try to learn practically .u can’t stop the uncertainty but u pretend urself to fight as like as the same strength . Nobody in this world is powerful than time..come to be a strength kind of people then u feel the reality of problem and how u the one who fight with the problem..it will give u strength and energy. See it practically. Don’t wish always things without giving effort with strength if not it makes you weak day by day. tackle the problem from front and defeat it….
Great article in a much needed time! Dealing with rejection from my boyfriend’s mother. It hurts. Thank you for acknowledging rejection is an awful feeling.
Glad to be of service.
Thank you for sharing this…this was really insightful & quite eye-opening as well…:)
Such a wise explanation… learn to accept and respect others’choice without taking all responsibility is life-changing lessons and bringing us much freedom to be our true self. Thank you. Love this so much
To everyone I didn’t directly reply to who left a comment thanking me, thank-you for letting me know you found this article valuable. As I writer, I love to know when my words are having a positive impact on the lives of others.
Hey Keenan.
I really like your first point about looking at behaviours versus yourself, that’s the way you grow. I would take it one step further and do as Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy! (an amazing book which I highly recommend you read if you haven’t already) suggests, which is to remove rejection from your vocabulary.
Rejection implies something is wrong with us. Forget that. Instead, you start saying people had “low interest”. So when you go up to an attractive person and they don’t really want to talk to you, they have low interest. Meh, move on. If they are smiley and really want to talk, they have high interest.
There are too many factors to ever figure out why someone might “reject” us – e.g. they had a bad day, they don’t want to talk, and so on… I think if you see a pattern and it ALWAYS happens that you get low interest, you need to look at what’s going on.
I agree with removing “rejection” from the assessment, and that “low interest” is a better approach for looking at this, and not just to ease hurt feelings. It’s an objective truth, really, because we all can be preoccupied and not really consciously want to reject someone. Also, no one should be given power to that point. I have found, for example, that a lot of women friends I’ve known cannot handle dealing with even minor conflicts without personalizing it to the point of becoming uncomfortable. I do not take their discomfort personally because it reflects their own history or preferences. I am comfortable dealing with conflict and can work past them, but it is not necessarily because I highly “need” one friend or another in my life.
I am very “low-need” and like to see people only periodically to get caught up in person over lunch or attending some event together. I cannot do daily or even weekly telephone discussions with any friend just to chit-chat because it would feel too overwhelming for me. But I am available and flexible to be responsive if something important comes up in between get-togethers where a friend needs an ear.
I am tolerant of occasional verbal insensitivity or behavioral slip-ups simply because I don’t expect people to be perfect, so if a conversation can help soothe a misunderstanding, I am willing to listen and talk openly with those friends who can handle doing so. My motto is about personal responsibility and respecting the rights of others to make whatever choice they want to. I have difficulty dealing with people who refuse to take ownership for something they may have said and done but yet feel uncomfortable when someone needs to explore a matter with them.
Ironically, I have noticed that most of the women I know who can’t handle conflict with other women are often conciliatory and some even doormats with men in their lives. Right now, I am exploring whether I want to establish a new standard that will involve “no interest” (rejection) by refusing to maintain friendships with women who are intolerant of handling minor issues with other women yet tolerate so much in relationships with men.
This may mean cutting down on various friendly connections, but I want more authentic relationships as I get older. I do not want to feel a friendship with a woman has to be tense or threatened if I need to raise a concern with her about some misunderstanding.
Hey FLeFlore wanted to touch on something you mentioned in the first paragraph. So often we confuse people’s reactions to be directed at us, whereas a lot of the times it goes much deeper – It’s actually micro-traumas from their past getting triggered, which in turn can trigger our own!
For example – If a couple has an argument where the woman complains that the man never listens, it may be that the man dismissed something very small or didn’t engage heavily in conversation because he thought it wasn’t necessary. The woman’s ex-boyfriend did this and she ALWAYS hated it, so she starts getting INCREDIBLY upset for no reason. In turn, the man might have had a complicated relationship with his Mother where she was prone to aggravated reactions for little things, and his behaviour as a child was to retreat into his room without saying a word, physically and emotionally locking her out. So, he does this again because it’s all he knows.
Then they just keep getting angry and frustrated with each other ad infinitum.
The solution of course is communicating the difficult feelings (e.g. “I feel hurt when you lash out at me, and I will not talk to you when you do that”), and hopefully working through our pasts to know when something is getting touched that wasn’t healed from our past, and that that’s not the fault of the present person.
Easier said than done!
I know what you mean about authentic relationships though. I honestly prefer being with a few select people I can talk about everything with and who don’t fuck around. We have limited time, why spend it with flakes or people who have behaviours we don’t really like? It doesn’t mean we HATE them, we just choose to find people whose values (such as authenticity) align more with our own.
“Ironically, I have noticed that most of the women I know who can’t handle conflict with other women are often conciliatory and some even doormats with men in their lives.”
Hm, you mean like this:
– Lets other men shame and insult him
– But will play mind games with, dump, or beat a woman if she exhibits anything less than 100 percent, complete submission?
Do you mean sort of like that? 🙂
Before discounting it, entertain my Army Locker Hypothesis and reflect honestly on whether you’re one of those men a member of it.
– If his Army sergeant says clean up his bunk area, he does it immediately without question
– If his football coach tells him clean up his locker area, he does it immediately without question
– If a woman asks him to clean his space he shares with her, however,
PROBLEM.
Men, explain this. The organic, bs-free explanation this time please.
We’re onto you 🙂
I am a female, Snowflake. We are on the same feminist-thinking page…LOL.
Great discussion, Keenan. I enjoyed your article. I have also experienced rejection – at times because I acted insecure or lacked confidence – among other reasons. As I recently discussed with my therapist, there are times people reject us simply because we do not mirror them (which applies to your point of not possessing the same values, beliefs, or personality types). There are times I reject others for the same reason. It’s not personal at all; it’s just that we are not at the same “place.” I usually truly like everyone I meet (which is why rejection used to be so painful), but it’s important to be honest with myself about who I am and what I need. For example, as a sober person, I feel most comfortable around other sober people. I still like people who choose not to be sober, but it does not serve me to be around them. Peace and blessings.
Thank you so much for this post. I recently was rejected and reading this helped me to begin to come to peace with it and learn from it.
‘If someone rejects you, they usually reject your behaviour or choices’. Definitely your words are good, and I need this advice. Thank you Keenan!
Might have to give Lori some credit on this one. She did an amazing edit on this article. In fact, I would consider it a co-written effort more than anything. And I believe these might actually have been her words.
Good insights. There is a case that bothers me, though. You write about a ” son who wants to be a musician, but [his] father wants him to be a lawyer. If the son pursues his dream, his dad is going to reject him.” Being a parent is a responsibility. It is irresponsible and very damaging (in the short and long-run) to reject a child who has a different personality and interests from his own and give affection and attention to the more similar or approved of child, though this, unfortunately, happens. A parent needs to adapt and learn about each child, attend concerts with him, for example, even if not interested in music.
I dont want to sound racist but as an Indian , I always had trouble making friends or staying friends with Indians. I am usually appalled by their conservative way of thinking and judgemental attitude towards others. Where I am living right now, I was boycotted and troubled by the people for being in a relationship with a non-Indian. I did not understand what wrong I did to others. Though I am no more in the relation, people’s attitude towards me has not changed, instead they tell new people to stay away from me as I am a bad person. Do you know how to handle this kind of rejection.
Do I ever know what you are talking about. I had that happen to me with the people in the town where I live. I am not Indian. All I did was refuse to sign a petition to get a family the town didn’t like to move out. Yes this happened in the United States. I had to rise above that and the people who caused me trouble, I took legal action. After a while they found someone else to judge. Sorry this is happening to you. Reflects less on you and more on those who are doing the rejecting.
Stay away from Indians it’s what I do , especially the women, everytime I decide to give them a shot they rise to my lowest expectations.
I am going through a situation like this I like one of my friends but I know he likes someone else he didn’t come out and reject me but his actions spoke louder than anything I can see that my behavior is a factor because I have become clingy and needy and smothering towards among other things and thats not a good look I wish I didn’t hurt right now
This is very elegantly written and right to the point and timely too, as far as I’m concerned. Made me feel better.
Thanks man!
I believe that behavior will always have more impact that a person’s energy. I don’t think that most of us are perceptive enough to block out the physical and tune in to the non-physical. I think that’s just the way it is.
What I find unfair is, I never (to a fault) “REJECT” a person. I’ve had so many people in my life that I allowed into my life because they wanted to, no matter what their flaws were I tried to give them what they needed or what I could give them, even when they didn’t fully align with my ‘ideal’. The lack that filled the relationships eventually drained those areas of my personality to the point I couldn’t take it anymore. However when I had a void, I always got rejected by these same people. Rather than helping me overcome that void, I get abused for the void and am rejected as a whole person and that’s the end of that relationship. I’ve had this in multiple friendships to the point where I don’t have the resources to ‘fix’ what these people want anymore. Today I got rejected (blocked) by someone I thought was ‘ideal’ or pretty close for just being me and sharing a value (God) that I hold but I know they don’t hold, toward them. It frustrates me when I can’t form relationships I want that I don’t want to talk to anyone but I can’t seem to handle that either, I need people!
Know in your heart that you did a good thing. God is above all and if that person is blocking you for acknowledging that fact then that is not the right person to be around. Stand firm in your faith! Where people fail you, God never fails.
Thanks for being considerate and writing an article that is truly important to more people than we can count. I don’t want to sound overly confident, but the vibes I get from most of the people I run into in life and friends I make-are pretty good ones. I am generally well-liked because of my real care for all kinds of different people. I value diversity. However, my background of being abused did make plenty of people have awkward moments with me because it damaged my personality into being internalized…somehow, more people than not in my life decide to love me for who I really am; because they can see it in spite of the damage. Unconditional human love is found in many religions, and it’s definitely a quality that Christians are destined to live up to. I’m only saying this because I myself am a Christian: and the confusing part of it all, is that the person I’m feeling rejection from is a fellow Christian. She even knows my life story; so she should understand why I was shy around her. Yet, she couldn’t tolerate it- and even though she’s a follower of the all-loving Christ, she has chosen to hurt me on purpose. Sure, I’ve been rejected in a normal way by various types of people here and there…but I find this rejection perplexing. I just want to send a blessing and a prayer to anyone out there experiencing any form of rejection. It’s not how God originally created people. God is love.
Ridiculous…
This stood out the most.
“In these cases, all you can really do is accept that someone else is rejecting you because of their expectations for you. Again, it isn’t really personal. It’s often due to someone else’s inability to accept you for who and where you are. And they are entitled to that choice..”
If a person isn’t accepting who you are as a person…yes that is personal. Something non personal would be along the lines of a circumstance like having great chemistry with someone but finding out they are moving away so a relationship cannot form.
Then this…
“Either way, understanding the causes of rejection can take the sting out of it, because it’s never about who we are.”
After just stating that OFTEN they don’t accept one for who they are. You clearly don’t understand it. Behavior only occasionally plays a role in rejection. You could have the enticing behavior patterns of the most interesting man in the world..however if you have the genes of Danny Devito instead of brad Pitt there is the possibility that they won’t find you attractive.
A fun read…not informative, but fun.
Yes some of this make a lot of sense to me but if someone has expectations from a person then that person should not be friends with that other person like there are times when I’ve rejected a guy friendship but that’s because he hurt me
After being rejected so many times I lost interest. I came to the conclusion that there was no one who could do anything for me that I couldn’t do for myself. It is about expectations. I no longer expect anything. So in my interactions there is no ulterior motive. I am single and I like it.
Currently going through this with my Ex-Girlfriend. I have known, and was friends with, this woman for over 30 years. We just became romantic late last summer. We were together for 3 months and then she broke up with me. Went no contact for 7 weeks, reached out to her on Christmas Eve, we got back together again. 3 months later she breaks up with me again.
She basically went from saying ” Call me anytime ” to ” Don’t call, Don’t Text, and Have a nice Life”. ( I am no Doctor, but I believe there are some mood disorder/bi-polar things going on here.)
Bottom line is I just need to focus my attention on people that do care and like to spend time with me.
I will try not to let this bother me. It just hurts sometimes because she was so special to me…
People react differently to rejection. Some guys can ask 50 girls for a date and get rejected 49 times and get a Yes on ask #50. Some guys get discouraged and quit after the first few rejections. Sometimes a girl will reject a guy cold and then change her mind if the guy she rejected has a major improvement in his social status. If a guy is going to date he needs a very thick skin.
It’s also about hating me because I am beautiful, friendly, out going, and want to help others find happiness. Those qualities seem to repel most people, so I am very lonely but better off alone because friendships and romances invariably result in “how long am I going to hang around someone who is constantly putting me down?” 90% of humans are bent on bringing us down to prove their mental hell is correct and that they are better than us.
I’ve been on both ends a guy rejected me as a friend but he was a jerk to me all the time I’ve also been rejected romantically and then I had to reject the friendship the guy offered me
Thanks for this article. Really helped.
How are you supposed to leave your damage in the past? Especially when dealing with consecutive rejections from girls
I realize this discussion took place two years, but I have a pressing question, something that has been bothering me for some time now. What if you don’t get closure. You know that the rejection is a pattern, something you’re doing, something they don’t like about you, but you never get closure because the other person doesn’t want to tell you what the deciding factor was. They often take the easier right- it’s not you it’s me BS or I’m not ready to commit, and so forth. But I know that it has to do with me and I’m certain of this because every time they break up with the other person moves on immediately to what they wanted. We can take my last three ex’s- one moved on to marry and have a family nearly directly after me. The second one is now in a committed relationship and ready for marriage in which we were together for six years and never made any advances. The other had a commitment phobia because of a past failed marriage but dated me briefly and then moved on to now be in a fully committed relationship. So something is up… and none of them ever want to offer up what it was about me that they didn’t like or want. How can I improve if I don’t know what I’m doing wrong? I’ve asked for that kind of information in a non-threatening or attaching way but it’s always the same lies because they don’t want to hurt my feelings.
Thank you this really helped me today.
Or you have autism spectrum disorder and social anxiety and society at large would rather see you dying on the street than in a flatshare.
How to understand if your friends don’t want you anymore? In the beginning it was all okay but now they have become more like acquaintance. This is pinching me. I have done nothing to offend them.
Why should we cater to these obviously spoiled people? Manipulators & narcissists should be exposed not pandered
I have suffered rejection my whole life. From women and from the corporate world as a job-seeker who has been forced to spend much more time unemployed than most because nobody wants me or my skills. This has caused enough frustration that if I weren’t a person of faith, I would have killed myself by now, but that isn’t my point. My point is I have found the feelings of rejection come from not getting what I want and the disappointed hope that goes with it when it’s dashed again and again. The root is in the desire for acceptance and support or some other way of having my needs met. I have no ability to change this part of myself and make the desire and disappointment go away; it has to be done within me by a higher power, but these are points that might be included in future posts.
YES. And this is why it hurts .
I am curious as to why you stated: ” This has caused enough frustration that if I weren’t a person of faith, I would have killed myself by now”? Why do we de-value ourselves? I am trying to understand why people go to those extremes.
“Suicide” is not a good way of thinking. If we choose to reframe our minds and see things in other ways just like maybe that career path was not meant for me, or that relationship was not meant for me. This is a form of reframing your thoughts. It helps and it gets you to see things in a different form.
With that said, I would also ask, “have we been conditioned to thinking this way?”. As a society, we are influenced or “modeled behaviors” that we see and learn from, others, close friends, relatives, and immediate family. I am starting to believe Emile Durkheim on his theory of suicide as mention in the book “On Suicide”.
We need to see ourself as a solution and not victims of self-perception. We cannot control others ways and thinking or situations and outcomes at times. For example: Not finding a job as you stated has nothing to do with your skills, we put value on what we think is our worth and when we do not get what we want we question it. In your case, the employer made the decision, it is not up to you to make that decision. In my opinion, this way of thinking is self-perception.
I see that your post was written 9 months ago, so I am hoping that you are doing better now. I hope to reach you so that you learn to reframe your way of thinking and not become a victim of “self-perception”. Self-perception is like a double edge sword. The mind is the same, see things on the positive side, live life, and be happy.
Great post. A new and positive perspective on rejection that I had not considered before. Easy to follow – thank you.
keenan great post just like all your other posts.i was unfortunately rejected by a woman a long time ago who i had similar personalities with,similar values with,similar interests with,similar speaking and facial mannerisms with,similar lifestyles with,similar thoughts and opinions with,someone who i made laugh and who made me laugh,someone who understood me like i understood her,someone who really clicked with insanely.ill never know the real reason why i was rejected in spite of just the two of us being ourselves in front of each other.anyone who truly found the right person would sympathize and agree and understand that it wasnt my fault.i got too much bad advice saying forget about her,shes out of your league,move on shes not worth it shes just not into you and all that.well moving on really will never be an option so i just prayed to god shell come to her senses one day and just left it at that.
Now that I am in my forties, I am not as self conscious as I was when younger. I decided two weeks ago to hit the kill switch on my usual nervous demeanor around new people and those that intimidate me. I hold my head high and look people in the eye. I smile more and just have an attitude of letting things just be in general. Mostly giving up the need to be approved of and liked is liberating. I can conduct myself with grace and kindness. If someone still rejects me then I move on.
I have always been a nervous and self conscious person. No matter how hard I try and relax when I meet new people, I tense up. I can tell that it makes others uncomfortable. Over time I have learned to just accept that I am not good with new people or I make people nervous. I hate but it seems to be a core part of my personality. I am friendly and kind to people so I figure if I am least that then I have done my due justice. Many people are so shallow. You get judged on your appearance or age or how much money you have. I have literally been talking to someone once who turned mid conversation and walked away to talk to a more desirable friend.
At least being myself, I married a great guy who accepts me and my quirks. Any good friends I have know I am nervous and can joke about it. It is never fun to be rejected though. It is human to want acceptance.
I think it’s the fact I didn’t get what I expected to get rather than hurting my ego by getting rejected that upsets me the most. In fact I feel being mislead pedal even lied into to get a rejection, and I absolutly hate the whole thing and decided to cut the person out of my life.
I hate being stalked through the night into suicde by rejected family. I can’t sleep and feel them all around me beating me, shaming me and keeping me a psychological hostage, torturing me, causing me to eat sleeping pills and injure myself though they’re not there in person. I talked to someone about this once and she called it narcissism and rejected stalking. It’s a lot like having a person kidnap and torture you to death for “love”. I don’t know how anymore and reject certain cultural groups who continue to persist that life is about “the family” and that women “submit”. It’s cost me money, sanity, nights of sleep, self harm and loss of happiness in general to leave those who offended me. The person doesn’t need to be present anymore to be requesting attention, constantly – wanting it to work out. This started when I was young – with religion, adaptivity to child abusers (step-parents) in the home, force for perfect grades, force into academies to which I wanted nothing to do with. It’s gotten worse as an adult woman and has caused me to become homeless, lose jobs, self-destructive behavior to make the rejected stalking end. The funny thing is that in real life, the people are like that to my face who make me feel uncomfortable in the subconscious mind where they live inappropriately invading my personal space. I can’t imagine needing my WACO TX authority over every waking moment of a woman’s life or committing homicide when she doesn’t reform and see it my way. I’ve accepted that’s just life and that they’re never leaving. it’s a lot worse than being stalked by an ex, drive-by’s on your house to see who you’re entertaining, chasing on foot. They really believe that life is about the family and that women are submissive property in my family. I can’t tolerate it.
Lately, I’ve been rejected by absolutely everyone from general contacts thru linkedin, to just responding to someone’s post on social website about getting together in a new city (there all of sudden busy when they are the one whose posted to begin with) and don’t even get me started on men. I don’t understand why everywhere I go I’m just rejected. I’m gotten to the point where I just sit alone and watch netflix everyday and stop trying. And if you’re thinking there’s something wrong with me…I’m a sweet enthusiastic, always half full kind of person. But all this rejection lately has truly gotten me down. Has anyone gone thru such an extreme in their lives?
yes marney, this is happening with me too….little rejections: people breaking appointments, not calling back when they said, little family contact, even telling friends that i need a friend and getting no response…wow, its the accumulated affect that’s hitting hard, and i too am an optimist usually..but it feels constant. Its also turning into anger and sadness unexpectedly..
I enjoyed it it gave me a reflection of self realization that we not going to the same journey but can live with each other
I’m always gonna get rejected by every guy that I like especially sal vulcano