“Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron
Paul and I had been acquaintances for eight years. When I opened the door to his office one afternoon to offer our usual casual hello, an alchemical change packed a walloping charge through my body.
When had my coworker become a handsome man with whom I suddenly wanted to share more than impersonal cafeteria trays in a crowd?
I’m not sure what flipped the switch for me, but I’d already cheered him when he ran two marathons, listened when his wife left and they divorced, and written while he lived abroad twice serving a medical charity.
We’ve raised money for causes and exchanged myriad e-mails about jobs, travels, and our families—my sister’s marriage, his siblings’ children being born.
While my sudden unspoken desire was to deepen our intimacy, Paul’s signals proved alternately encouraging then confusing.
A promised lunch together that fell through due to sickness; a lingering smile at my door one day turned into distracted “gotta run, department meeting” the next.
Just as I began to understand that he wasn’t interested in me in that way, he’d come back, affectionate and confiding. His long-distance girlfriend had broken up with him or his relative was terminally ill. I’d hug him, nothing further needing to be said.
Nothing further is exactly how our relationship played, while, to my great consternation, we hit a plateau between consolation and water cooler repartee.
Last spring, Paul mentioned a woman he’d met at a conference. Something in his voice gave me the courage to ask if he was dating her. Truthfully, after his honest affirmation, Paul was the last person I wanted to spend more than five minutes with.
Is it possible to make the leap back to platonic good-will? And how?
Seven months later, I’ve discovered I can approach Paul and even enjoy his company for short stretches.
Here are the steps from disappointment to personal growth and healing:
1. Take time alone to collect yourself. Take time to forgive.
After years of feeling more than I acknowledged, I didn’t take it well when I learned about Paul’s new girlfriend. My roommate found me curled up on the sofa, breaking spontaneously into what I call “the ugly cry.” My appetite swan-dived. Insomnia was my only sleeping companion.
Immediately, I abbreviated contact with Paul. No more hanging around at the end of the day to chitchat. No e-mail, no notes, no calls. Yes, it was painful, after many years of chatting up Paul whenever I thought of him or wanted to know what was going on in his life, but I also stopped dwelling.
I started volunteering for a children’s charity. I took a hiking trip with friends. I reconnected with family. I read more novels than I thought possible.
I also journaled for the first time in years. For two weeks straight, I woke to write five blessings.
What started out as “I’m so happy I don’t have to face Paul today with puffy eyes and this knot in my heart” turned into observations of my cousin’s laughter, my neighbor’s new puppy’s floppy ears, a test drive of a car I didn’t need to buy, the pearlescent purples of a sunset.
I enjoyed simple pleasures and took time alone to connect with and savor what is. Most of all, I needed to exercise the same compassion and tenderness towards myself that I offer to others.
2. Realize that feelings are fleeting.
My first reaction to Paul’s dating: betrayal. A stream of questions haunted me: What if he marries this woman? They’ll have a baby. They’ll buy a house to remodel together and get a dog. I ran every irrational, worst-case scenario.
Deep breaths and mindful meditation cooled my mind enough to realize that worst-case scenarios serve no one. Disappointment cannot be ignored and yet, like any emotion, it is a passing state, undulating like waves to the shoreline.
We are impermanent beings in flux, and we cannot expect either our relationships or those in our lives to remain static. It was unrealistic of me to believe that Paul would always have time to talk on the phone or share a lunch much less that he would somehow choose to remain single without knowing, forthrightly, my feelings for him.
While I could not rewind time and ask him out directly, I started to see my own irrationalities and inconsistencies as part of what had brought me to this path. My new yearnings, though seemingly powerful, were as fluctuating as those storm-tossed waves.
3. Practice non-attachment: know that one doesn’t own good qualities.
I mourned certain things about Paul during our friendship hiatus: his kindness toward patients, worried families, and all others who crossed his path; his mindfulness of his leadership role; his natural warmth and ability to cheer anyone. Those qualities which attracted me to Paul, I realized, do not solely belong to him.
They were qualities that, had you asked my friends or family, I might be said to possess and that I might say they possess, too. If I could grow to love Paul (who I’d envisioned only as a friend for so long) and his kindness and intelligence, then there would be someone else with as much kindness and intelligence.
Six weeks after Paul‘s admission, I met Brian. His humor and insights captivated me. We hiked, we shared long phone conversations, and we offered everyday observations that left us both in stitches. We dated for three months, and while it ultimately didn’t work out after his move for a new job, my time with Brian taught me that my focus had changed from “Life after Paul” to life itself.
I didn’t need to hold fast to Brian to learn from him, just like I don’t need to date Paul to appreciate him and have him in my life, albeit in a new capacity.
4. Play the no-blame game.
As much as I wanted to focus on the sting of rejection and the injustice of Paul not going out with me, the reality is that we’ve all been on the rejecter’s end as well as the rejectee’s.
Paul meant no harm to me. As much as I didn’t want to hear that Paul had chosen to spend his romantic energy on another woman, his intentions had never been to hurt or frustrate me. I have never doubted Paul’s respect for me nor his goodwill towards all sentient beings; as such, he could not lie just to spare my feelings or curb my disappointment.
That respect, though not easy for either of us, is a true surviving gift. Similarly, be respectful and compassionate toward yourself. There are still some days when I see him that I feel attracted. I talk myself through it. I meditate. I call a friend for a walk. I offer forgiveness to myself and practice mindfulness until the feelings pass.
5. Form new boundaries and a new understanding.
In the past, I’ve cut two exes out of my life. As I reach my mid-thirties, I realize the importance not just of those who are on our “good side” but also acquaintances who teach precious lessons at the precise times we need them.
Paul and I have shared too many years to ignore that we care about each other, still we cannot continue in our old patterns any longer. I’ve also adjusted my expectations—I no longer interpret every smile as a possible pass. Indeed, there’s some relief in this; a smile is just a smile.
Mostly, I consider the value of slowly rebuilding our connection. At first, it was painful to look into his eyes while offering a brief good morning. Just like a child who has fallen off a bike after the training wheels are taken off, it can be daunting to climb back on, balance, and pedal away; but that’s how it’s happened.
We’ve pushed through awkwardness and eased into safe and friendly topics—music, sports, even family—and exercised new boundaries, too.
I don’t talk about his girlfriend, and he no longer hints about my love life. I respect that he has a lady love so I won’t be e-mailing him flirty texts at midnight, and he won’t be asking me if I’d like to go see the new action film with him. It’s an adjustment, but not an impossible one.
Whatever the future holds for Paul, and for me, we have the present company and compassionate understanding that comes from knowing each other for a decade. I need not worry about tomorrow or a perceived lost past. Right now is a listening ear, a nod, a moment shared between reconnected friends—and that is enough to meet this day.
About MK Miller
MK Miller has two degrees and limitless curiosity. She has written about a wide array of topics– including the cultural significance of go-go boots. She rides her bike almost daily, pays bills monthly, and collects books and shoes perennially.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I can relate to this post so much. I also have what I can only describe as an infatuation with someone, coincidentally also called Paul, who I know through work. It all began over two years ago with flirting, mostly over the phone, but developed into a friendship as we get on and like each other. He then revealed the details of his very complicated personal life – he is separated but living in the same house as his wife and feels unable to leave due to her illness. Wouldn’t any sensible person run a mile from someone in this situation? I do my best to stay away and tell myself that it is pointless and inappropriate to have feelings for him. But just last weekend we were both on a very late and quiet shift and chatted for a long time which I really enjoyed but which I now feel was a big mistake. Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about him … again.
I feel like I go round in circles, we chat, we connect, I start thinking about him, I spend my time trying to forget him or keep all contact strictly business and I’m quite successful, I lower my guard, we talk again and oops, here I am back to square one. What frustrates me is my inability to control my feelings. If I tell friends about my dilemma they just say “he’s married, forget it”, which is actually what I constantly tell myself. If only it was that simple.
Thanks so much for your feedback, Kiquin. It touches my heart that you have gone through this, also. I wish you well and great peace with your Paul. Namaste.
>> I feel like I go round in circles, we chat, we connect, I start thinking about him, I spend my time trying to forget him or keep all contact strictly business and I’m quite successful, I lower my guard, we talk again and oops, here I am back to square one.
I know the feeling. My advice is to find someone else.
Are you reading my heart? I really appreciated your tips. Rebuilding after heartbreak is not easy. Thanks.
I can empathize and understand, Lakeishua Arthur. I am humbled that maybe I can help a few others with my own experience. Wishing you peace and harmony today. Namaste.
MK I really feel for you and think you have been so noble and understanding and worked so hard to put your own pain and ego aside to do what you think is needed and right for Paul who you obviously care for deeply.
One part particularly hit a nerve for me and I hope that mentioning it doesn’t upset you- but when you said that he had ‘chosen to spend his romantic energy on another woman’. That pain to me is just ubearable. You quite clearly have such a beautiful, thoughtful temperament and an deep intimacy with Paul and yet I am stuck in that place- unable to get over that part in a similar situation where I know the costs of trying to be a friend to an ex and cling on to a superficial level of friendship are outweighing the pain it is causing me to continue to contact this person. If I just submitted to things, accepted and let go, I know he wouldn’t force a friendship that doesn’t feel right when so much has happened. But I feel I have poured so much energy into crawling inside his mind to understand why what he did hurt me, I’ve almost been bingeing on books of buddhist wisdom- about being that rock as the emotions and thoughts subside, about being happy that it happened and not clinging etc but it’s like I just can’t face the pain.
There’s one thing I just don’t understand- if nothing is permanent anyway- are relationships just a series of mirrors that help us understand ourselves and give us a taste of those needs being met? I’ve not been married (I’m 25) but I just can’t understand how to incorporate the idea of non-attachment into building a dependent long-term relationship with someone and getting a dog!? I left a four month relationship 8 months ago and the hurt of that itself was so much, I can’t fathom how that pain would be multiplied if I’d been married for 20 years and that person had promised to love me forever.
The pain seems to come from the thought that someone can chose someone else over me- their essence, and that should feel good- when someone picks you to be with for who you are-should you aim not feel good when that happens just as you should aim not to let sorrow change you either? The pain of someone choosing someone else’s unique essence over mine is what kills me. For it isnt the kindness and intelligence i still love in this man, its the person that makes him him and I don’t know what to do with these feelings just because the possibility of a relaitonship is futile. Should you stop loving someone just because they are unable to meet your needs? Is it all about what they can provide us and the chance of it lasting long-term? because if nothing is permanent then that shoudn’t really matter.
I’m so confused 🙁 My plan at the moment is to give this man all the time he needs, then to hope that whilst im not fixating on the pain he caused me, I’ll learn to address this sadness by being still and accepting myself. Hopefully in time, I will be able to be a light-hearted friend and we can exchange anecdotes about patients and even enquire about each others current partners in a respectful way. I guess it’s true what someone said on here about focusing on the how to forgive is equally destructive as holding on to the blame and I just need to make the painful decision to accept he doesn’t feel the way I do, he doesn’t understand how I could be in this much pain and I am hurting him by trying to use his help to come to terms with it. I need to just let go and trust that if there is a friendship there it will come back in it’s own time, because we were friends first and foremost.
Your post deeply touched me, radiantP, and I’m so glad you posted. 🙂 Thank you. It can be so frustrating and painful when one person spends energy and great care trying to understand the other and yet still gets hurt when the other person just cannot understand or reciprocate. I am glad that you have been reading Buddhist books and trying your best to work through the experience. You are taking positive steps to healing. I wish I knew one particular text that would make all of the meaning of your suffering clear– if any other readers do, that would be wonderful to share. I identify with what you are asking: “if nothing is permanent anyway- are relationships just a series of mirrors that help us understand ourselves and give us a taste of those needs being met?” From my own experiences, I would say the mirror analogy is pretty apt. I, personally, don’t feel that any experience is wasted, and that something can be learned, even out of undesirable emotions. I tend to view impermanence as a helpful reminder to be less anxious and more loving in each moment, but that might just be my own outlook. I feel for you for having to go through such sorrow and confusion, and I wish for you that giving this man time will also soon create a space of peace and gentle acceptance in your own life. Take care. Namaste!
Maybe, we need to take a step back and get a wider view. We dance in eternity.
“This place is a classroom. Why not take the curriculum?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qfm_qv-HQXI&fmt=18
This doesnt work… u cant be friends with someone who isnt a friend..
ultimately the sharks of the old thing keep haunting u until u urself decide to kill them..
otherwise the sharks will eat u up ..
life is short … be happy abt it and live to ur max…
kill those sharks and invest in new flowers for ur own good..
thats the key to a gud life..
Thanks for your feedback and perspective, guest.
I am pretty sure the point of MK’s post is NOT to engage in killing of any sort, and to reframe one’s perspective.
thanks so much for the article! it came on the right time =)
I am honored and touched to hear that, Maya. Thank you. I hope it can help your life, too.
I so needed to see this — you answered questions I hadn’t even thought of. I need to keep this close at hand for the next while. Thank you so much.
[…] Staying Friends When You Wanted More: 5 Steps to Move On | Tiny Buddha […]
I was friends with a man for 3 years. Similar to the writer, one day his chaste kiss good-bye sent an electric shock through my body. A few weeks later came the tough talk – “I don’t want to lose our friendship, but my feelings for you go beyond friendship.” We promised each other we would always respect our friendship, but we both wanted to move forward.
Three years later, it became painfully clear to me that we were in different places in our lives & wanted different things. I ended the relationship. We spent time together for a couple of months afterwards, neither of us knowing how to not have the other in our lives. One day a breaking point came for me and I told him I needed to be away from him. He cried, begged me not to leave. I told him that if our friendship was to survive, I needed time and space away.
It wasn’t easy, but 6 months later we were back in each other’s lives. For a year or so it was awkward at times. But now, 10 years later, it is as it was before…a wonderful friendship based on respect, affection, & common interests. He recently had double bypass surgery. I’ve been seeing him everyday for lunch and going for a walk with him. I help him with putting his shoes & socks on, he teases me about being bossy. We are going to celebrate Thanksgiving together — my first ever as head cook.
Bottom line for us was the friendship was first and foremost always. While our love relationship didn’t last, our friendship teaches me everyday – good and bad – that love is all that matters.
Thank you for this beautiful reply, Ann Marie. I’m glad your friendship remains and has taught you something new and important each day.
I really appreciate you sharing all this. It’s really clear that you’re trying exceptionally hard and are working through this to the best of your ability.
I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I think it’s also pretty clear that you’re in a tremendous amount of pain, and it sounds like though you’re doing your best and are trying to fight your way through it, that’s the predominant thing I got out of this post. I can’t really read this without reading between the lines and seeing that it’s coming from someone who is having an extremely difficult time. It’s breaking my heart to read over this and know how much you’re struggling. I read over the suggestions you made, and no matter how much sense they make or how much practical application they have, what keeps hitting me the hardest is knowing it’s coming from you who, by yourself, are trying to cope with this as well as you possibly can.
I would like to suggest something additional to: just crying. We’re born with genitals and we develop sex drives, and it seems like intimacy and affection are biological needs like food. At the end of the day, with food, clothing and shelter, we have warmth and fuel to survive. But I believe life is about more than just surviving.
You can get past this, and work through it, but I know the pain is still there. I think there are a lot of things in life that we simply can’t provide for ourselves; food, for example, and intimacy and love. We can love ourselves to a very full extent, but I know it’s not enough to wipe all that pain away.
Plenty of people go their whole lives without much intimacy, and without much real love; plenty of people die without ever having experienced a full life with these things. I just accept this, because it’s reality and I have to accept it if I want to feel any sense of peace, but at the same time, I have hope that that will somehow change in the future, even if it’s in the distant future.
You’re posting this to a blog; I think this is proof enough that we do need community, that we do need others, to love us. I think intimate relationships are a special form of love as well, and I do think there’s just as much of a need as all the other kinds of relationships. The absence of that in someone’s life is usually a cause for a lot of pain; just like the absence of food is very painful.
I would like to say that I think you deserve to be in a loving and intimate relationship, and also that no one, including yourself, should expect the burden of meeting all your needs for deep love and support to be completely on yourself. You can work through it as best you can; you can be strong; you can even maintain a friendship with him. You can do all these things, but that can’t change your basic wiring as a human being who has needs that are greater than that. You’re experiencing pain that isn’t your fault, and efforts of free will to alleviate it seems like someone trying to convince themselves that starvation isn’t painful.
I have no doubts of your ability to work through this situation and to make the best of it. I do, however, feel like the “ugly cry” is a completely natural thing to do in this situation. In my mind I thought “the human cry” because I don’t think it’s ugly; it’s completely normal and natural to be devastated by something like this, and to cry about it. Grief is natural for having a basic need taken away from you or withheld from you. People would cry about losing their job, or their house, or if there was a food shortage. These are all very serious problems. But being deprived of intimate love is also a very serious problem, and I think it’s important to acknowledge that.
I believe there are things that love and intimacy shared with another person can provide for you, that no person alone is capable of providing for themselves. As I said, though, I know many people go their entire lives without this, which I really think is tragic.
What’s the end result of what I’m saying?
If you can’t do anything at all about it and you’re simply stuck here, I would like to say that, for whatever it’s worth, even if nothing changes, I want you to know that I believe you deserve that love and intimacy as a basic human need, and I think it’s natural to grieve very heavily over what has happened with Paul. I agree that playing the no-blame game is very good advice; it isn’t Paul’s fault, and it isn’t your fault — it isn’t your fault for how his feelings played out, and it also isn’t your fault that this is so painful and difficult to work through.
I hope that someday you find the right person for you, and can share the rest of your life with them. I hope you don’t mind me stating my personal beliefs — please excuse me for saying it, but my personal belief is that God understands that you were created as a human being and he understands how painful these things are for you, and also, exactly why they’re so painful. I think God takes all of these things into account, and that you’re not ultimately suffering in silence; somewhere in God’s infinite memory, I believe there is a place for you where he knows all these things you’ve suffered.
My main message here is that I want you to have sympathy for what you’re experiencing, that I believe you have every right to be angry and to cry, and that the burden for resolving all of this grief can’t lie on your shoulders alone. You can’t expect a child to give himself all the love and support that’s supposed to come from his parents. I don’t think anyone who has emotional damage or trauma can be expected to give themselves all the love and support that they need either, when that trauma always comes from one way or another in being severely deprived of basic human needs. No one should have to suffer so long like this.
Thanks again for sharing. I apologize for the long-winded post. I pray that you’ll be comforted during this time and that this will all be reconciled in the future — and not just within yourself, but in a physical reality shared with another person, in an intimate relationship where you can have this comfort and support and fulfillment as you really deserve it.
I greatly appreciate your thoughtful post, Matt D. I find much in your posting that is both encouraging and sincere. I especially like how you note that the “ugly cry” should just be “human cry.” I’d never thought of that before, but I do so agree. Thank you again for taking the time to write such a heartfelt and honest reply.
wow. I came to this post cos I was having the same problem and I read your reply and it made me ugly/beautiful cry. Thanks. 🙂
Six years later I just saw this post. Thank you Matt for sharing what you did. I share those same reflections.
I’m also going through all these . I didn’t contact him for two months but he came back messaging me saying he is feeling attached to me but can’t give the love I wanted. This breaks my heart, I was already on my way to move on but he came back and just wanted to be friends. I cried while reading this and I know I’ll get over him someday.. I hope so..
That to me sounds like he is using his feelings/ desires to hold you emotionally hostage. He has the ability to say the things you want or need to hear right when you’re about to move on. It is heartbreaking, painful and unfairly selfish. You come first, and he doesn’t deserve more of your pain, your time or your attention. Move on and let him know he no longer has control over you in any form whatsoever!!
Thank you for your posts Matt D, MK Miller, and everyone who shared their thoughts. It’s a comfort that I am not alone regarding this situation. Crying does ease the pain little by little. Words cannot explain how much it hurts. I thank the Lord that we’re able to vent just by crying.
I need to say, this is something Im currently facing. I have been in love with my best friend for 8 years. We have dated, been engaged, and due to struggles and interference, things kept getting messed up for us along the way. I made changes in my life to be better for me and likewise they were making changes to better themselves as well. However about 6 months ago when I tried to display these changes, I hit a brick wall with my bestie. Well needless to say they werent exactly accepting me for who I had become and I made a stand that I wasnt going to be treated that way. When I had made so many positive changes in my life. So I walked away. I had hope, probably foolishly, that they would come after me. Come talk to me, something. But no, months went by and there was no contact. I finally reached and unfortunately came to find out by this time my bestie was engaged to another woman. And was no longer “In Love” with me. I felt my heart had been ripped out and stabbed in front of me. Even as this woman they were engaged to started to push them away and treat them badly, my bestie is still sticking with her.
I feel so much pain. As I read this article I touched on the fact that I am very angry, but irrationally angry. Im angry because they fell in love with someone else. I’m angry because they didnt chase after me. I’m angry because someone they’ve known 6 months has replaced what I’ve done for 8 years. It hurts every part of me to where the pain is almost physically incapacitating. But I know its not they’re fault for falling in love, and I know its not my fault for feeling as hurt as I am. My bestie wants to remain close friends and thats very difficult. Its difficult to look at them and know that we can never have that love again. Its difficult to know that our hearts no longer belong to one another. Its difficult to know that another woman has taken my place and will be walking down the aisle instead of me.
I want to be supportive and I want to be the friend I know I can be. It’s just difficult to be going through these motions. Im trying to thin out the contact, yet i still find myself wanting to text throughout the day just to check in, or getting upset when I get a text and its not them. How do I get my mind to focus on me? How do I still maintain my composure and be myself, and still be their best friend?
She said something in the post about setting boundaries. She said that her and paul don’t talk about their love lives. Instead they talk about movies, music, and hobbies…just any random subjects. Trying to reconnect. I’m a very helpful person. So the problem i face is if my bestie is having a problem with the fiance, im going to want to help. How do i do that without putting myself in even more pain? I dont want to feel this way anymore. It hurts so bad, and it prevents me from moving on to anyone who might actually be good for me.
God loves you. Please reach out to God. i am so sorry. I can relate. the only difference mine was 3.5 years
Did you ever get better? Two years and not better at all…
THANK YOU MATT D……….WARM TEARS STREAMED DOWN MY CHEEKS AS I READ YOUR POST….NAMASTE XXX
Me, too, Karo.
hello MK and Matt D. thank you so much for your perspectives. i am going through a similar situation right now. it is so difficult because he is in love with someone else. and we used to be friends and i had feelings for him but things got complicated. it left me quite heartbroken to be honest. but i care about him so much that i want him in my life.
but your views give me hope that i will be able to get over this difficult situation. it is tough when i see them together. it angers, confuses and irritates me, other times i just accept it. i keep going back and forth.
but i realize now, i have to take control of the situation and not react to them. i have my own life and have to learn to be more present in my life.
this i find difficult at times but i am trying.
anyway thanks for the wonderful post 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through something similar, N. I wish you great courage and hope as well as self-care at this difficult transitioning time. I am humbled that my perspectives might help you at this time. Namaste.
@c85ce951fe22058b89c39f8eca269a8f:disqus Thanks for your insightful post and although i tried those methods, it is still very hard for me to move on even after a few months. i am still struggling through this and sometimes i wish for my romantic emotions to stay dead forever lol
@4667367b7f704108399d829ee9e5b506:disqus Your post resonated with me the most. Like you, we used to be close friends and i really thought our feelings were mutual. he became such a big part of my life that everything and everywhere reminded me of him. i asked him out once and was rejected. now he is in love with someone else, and she too is interested in him. however, i cannot cut my connection just like that as both of them are my friends and coworkers. it hurts to see them together, to the point that i want to leave this job, leave this country, leave them. you know it’s bad when you can’t work or party properly. i’ve become such an emotional trainwreck that the methods above became moot after 3 months of hard work. just thinking of him and them now brings a terrible heartache and even in my sleep i see them together (wtf?!).
i’m lost, depressed and beaten now, but i know it will pass. i will be fine someday (i hope soon) we can talk as usual friends again. i know i will move on. but after this time, i find it hard to believe that i will ever find the one for me. sadly, i’ve lost hope. i wish all the best to those who are also going through this, and that you will not end up becoming a cynical pessimist like me.
Hi MK,Matt D, N and everyone else,
Thank you
It’s 2am in the morning and your article just made me cry.
I know time heals all wound, just so crushed by it. Every time he smiled, each time we talked I felt a connection, I analysed it, agonised it, fantasised about it… so much hope…
I realise now I can’t call it infatuation because I just cant stop crying about it. He is the last thought at night and the first thought in the morning. I have felt this feelings for months, the unrequited love part only came a few days ago.
At 38 it’s hard to not see past the loneliness, it’s harder not to be discouraged, it’s harder still to press on as a single mum. Is it odd of me to schedule my heartbreak for when my kids are sleeping?
I am a naturally positive person, this man is the dna for the type of person I want to meet and fall in love with in future. Nobody is perfect, I know, but I take his warmth and humility as qualities I have and crave now more than ever. Those weren’t specifically important in a guy before.
I live in hope, for my ‘Brian’. I count the smallest things as precious including my five senses and my kids 5 senses. I am and have read books, baked, danced wildly by myself and with my kids! I wrote on my blog today, I seek out friends, family, find strength in my faith, my children, perspective and my community.
I will continue to remind myself that:
‘everything will come to you at the perfect time, be patient, don’t fight it, it really will…’
Commiserations. It is hard I know but it will get better in time. Trying to be good to yourself and finding another focus for your attention definitely helps so you are on the right track.
The tears will stop eventually although right now it probably seems hard to believe.
I wish you luck and I wish you love with someone who can give you what you need.
So many broken hearts out there, ironically for people who didn’t want or deserve the affection in the first place. At the end of the day, the universal advice given by every knowledgeable relationship expert to overcoming attachment is to find someone else… and, ideally, to get very good at it.
Thank you.
This is lovely…. while I was reading your words, I felt that you have had read my mind, my emotions, and my future expectations…. I had a similar experience, just that the person that I was loving; he actually got married and he is having a baby….. it was awful but I am thankful with life because that experience is teaching me so much. Its letting me appreciate things differently, but most important I is showing me how human I am, how sensible I can be.
Thanks so much for your kind message, Jennifer. I’m sorry to hear that you have had a painful experience, but glad that, as you say, “that experience is teaching me so much…letting me appreciate things differently.” What a growth experience! Wishing you well. Namaste!
This is lovely…. while I was reading your words, I felt that you have had read my mind, my emotions, and my future expectations…. I had a similar experience, just that the person that I was loving; he actually got married and he is having a baby….. it was awful but I am thankful with life because that experience is teaching me so much. Its letting me appreciate things differently, but most important I is showing me how human I am, how sensible I can be.
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I totally agree with the step #3 above — “Practice non-attachment: know that one doesn’t own good qualities”. I have tried this thought process earlier while feeling intensely about someone who I know won’t reciprocate my feelings. Although I must say that unless you actually meet someone else who too possesses those good qualities and reciprocates your love, it’s hard to put this thought process into practice and move on.
Overall a nice post and the 5 steps to move on do make sense. 🙂
Thank you for your kind reply, Medha. I wish you all the best. Namaste!
>> Although I must say that unless you actually meet someone else who too possesses those good qualities and reciprocates your love, it’s hard to put this thought process into practice and move on.
That is very true.
i love this article! i am going through something very similar right now and it was exactly what I needed to read to get through this difficult time. it is so good to have the feeling that life goes on, which is exactly how I feel after reading this. what a blessing!
Thank you for your kind response, Cometchrome. I am grateful to hear that my experiences were helpful to you in your current situation and have given you the feeling that life goes on. 🙂 All best to you and may each day find you more blessed! Namaste.
This so reflects what I am going through right now, how I need to disengage from the person who is trampling all over my heart, and has done again and again for the past year…..its the hardest thing I have ever done but I know I can do it, I have good friends who can get me throught this mess…..and the emotional fallout from the break up…..
I am humbled that my words reflect what you are going through, India Preston. May my insights and suggestions prove helpful to you in your journey. Namaste.
[…] her bike almost daily, pays bills monthly, and collects books and shoes perennially. Her article Staying Friends When You Wanted More appeared in Tiny Buddha in […]
Wow. Like so many others have commented, I needed this right now. Best friends and next door neighbors for 6 years, together as a couple for 1 year promising a future and partnership forever… to him saying he isn’t sure we should be together. I’m still not giving up hope (this happened 4 days ago) and I’m praying that he will find his way back to US with some time and distance (hard to do when you live next door!). Your words, your insight, and those of Matt D will get me through today… and then I’ll read them again tomorrow in hopes that I make it one more.. and so on.
I am humbled that my words can be with you in your time of pain and hope. Wishing you a good future and all the best for each moment. Namaste, Deuberj, and thank you for your kind comments.
this is such a good article something i really need right now! thankyou !
I am glad that you found insight from my article for your own life experiences. I appreciate you taking the time to say so, Jay, and I wish you peace of mind in your current situation. All good things to you. Namaste! 🙂
This is beautiful writing full of clarity. I think what you say here can be true for any type of relationship, romantic or not. It is all about respecting our boundaries and remembering our SELF before merging with another.
Thank you, Quinn W. I hadn’t thought of my thoughts applying to non-romantic relationships, too, but you know what– you’re right! 🙂 I appreciate your kind feedback. Namaste!
Stay away from narcissists
It is about knowing when you are dealing with a Narcissist and stearing clear of them. People who are not narcissists will not extend out energy to draw in people who they are not into dating. They, in fact, will avoid the person.
Like many before me, I to am going through an similar situation right now and it lightened me to read this. While my Paul is inescapable at the moment, working in the same room with me for most of the day, it is helpful to read that yourself and others have dealt with this and moved on, friendship changed but intact.
Thank you for your kind comment about my article, Desiraani. It humbles and touches me that my words lightened you. I think you’re right– it does help to read that others have dealt with similar situations in friendships and have found a way to be at peace with the situation as it is or as it evolves. May you find such peace. Namaste!
I wish I had read this sooner! I had fallen head over heels for a friend and when I told her, she shrugged it off and said maybe. Needless to say it didn’t end up as I wanted, but I spent months over analyzing, asking what if, interpretating her friendly gestures as something romantic. Then I became angry at her for hurting me and now our friendship is suffering now because of this.
She now wants space away for me, and as painful as it is, I have to let her go….
Your message touched me and I certainly identify, Jcscandy247. I am glad and grateful that you found my posting, and I hope that it will help to heal your current pain and to give you the courage to let go. I appreciate you taking the time to write. Namaste!
>> She now wants space away for me, and as painful as it is, I have to let her go….
I definitely understand the feeling. But, you will find letting go of her to be much easier once you’ve found someone else.
It is really hard to let go…. completely let go of someone, specially when you´ve idealized him or her and also when you think that somehow it was meant to be… even if life is showing you clearly that it was not.
For me… i´m just trying to open my hear t to someone new and to attract my soul mate and I try to meditate and convince myself that my past relationship just was not meant to be… that he is a human being just like everyone else, and that of course he is moving on with his life… and that I must move on with mine as well.
Is not an easy thing to let go and to stop creating fantasies and scenarios in your head, but every day is an opportunity to be more and more present in the real and present moment, eventually this too shall pass and we´ll be in a better place 🙂
I wish to all of us who are struggling right now with ourselves, peace, love and accpetance to let go and be open to new opportunities and love in our lives 🙂
big hugs to everyone from Colombia!
Beautifully stated, TLucci. It sounds like you are staying positive and also separating fantasy scenarios from your hope for the future. 🙂 I applaud your efforts and wish for you the kind of love who will appreciate you and make you feel stronger and even more positive! 🙂 Thanks for commenting.
[…] Staying Friends When You Wanted More (by MK Miller) […]
Dude. You never even told Paul you liked him as more than a friend. Perhaps you were scared to ruin your friendship or work relationship but even so, you never told him you liked him. What kind of answer did you expect? If you really liked him so much, why didn’t you tell him??? Some things are worth taking risks for. Sure you might be crushed anyways but if you have a support network there (ie. friends) it’s not the end of the world, right??? For a few months you might be crushed but then you might meet someone new but, you might be hung up on him for awhile if you don’t tell him and find out if he likes you back, which maybe he might. you never know. It is a risk telling him but it’s also a risk not telling him as then you’re hung up on him for way too long wondering what if…
The guy knows. Telling him will only make things worse. Under normal circumstances if the guy truly cared about her then he would make himself as scarce as possible. Situations like this are one of the many reasons why you shouldn’t date a coworker. Date their friends instead.
Your post really resonates with me. I have been in love with a coworker of mine for months now. We had been friendly, but one day I looked into his eyes and felt like I had been hit by a lightning bolt. I was sure that he felt similarly because he always went out of his way to walk by me and to talk. When I finally got the courage to tell him how I feel he told me that because of a previous bad experience he has a strict policy not to date coworkers. He retreated after that, but in the last few weeks he has resumed his joking and flirting. Naturally, I got my hopes up that he has changed his mind. I feel hurt that knowing how I feel about him, he continues to do this. But at the same time, I bask in the attention. I don’t think he is doing it maliciously, but it is really confusing and making it difficult for me to move on. He is still the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning. I have come to dread weekends and holidays because it means I will not see him. I can barely eat and sleep. I hate feeling this way. How can I move on when I see him across from me every day?
>> How can I move on when I see him across from me every day?
That’s easy. Find someone else.
It’s not thaaaaaaat easy, not for me at least 🙁
I’m actually in that situation right now. We have been chatting for 10 months nonstop when I discovered that he is already in a relationship with another girl for about 7 months. Well, he already rejected me that time but I still got mad because he didn’t tell me about the girl. At first, I tried to act normal because we’re in the same office and I hate awkwardness. But, days of being unable to talk to him, I began hearing negative things about him which made me ignore him. Weeks of not talking to him in person and thru chat, made me feel better but he suddenly sent me a message asking me if I’m still mad and I said yes. I found it funny when he asked me until when I’ll still be mad at him and I need to tell him once my anger subsides because he still wants to be friends with me. Right now, I get to talk to him once in a while. I can smile at him when I meet him on the hallway but that’s it. Weird, right? haha.
Thank you for sharing your story. Right now, I am also in the stage of moving on from a friend I do love for almost 5 years. although, he knew that I love him but our friendship is still going through. We txted each other, share each others’ stories. last year, i found out that he has a girlfriend which he never told me and he even denied it when I asked him about the girl. Last August, they separated and I felt our friendship has grew deeper that time but just when he was admitted in the hospital I realized that they are now together. again I am clueless. it hurts me a lot but i know i have to move on and I want to give myself time to be away from him. it means no communication at all, so I decided to volunteer in a community project away from our town and have it as my full-time job. Now, I am in a process of slowly taking away all the hopes that are still in me and say to myself “it is really impossible. “
I was recently rejected by a co worker….and reading your article brought me a great sense of peace. I hope I’d be able to cope with this rejection the way you did. Thanks a lot for the article.
I really needed to find this article at this time in my life. I have been friends with a man for 15 years. We have had great chemistry at times and we have had off times. We live in two different countries but they are not that far apart so I feel we just never pursued anything for that reason. We flirted, laughed, chatted for hours about everything and nothing. I had times when I felt that I was in love with him but would tell myself forget it, it will never happen. He knows I have strong feelings for him though I have never been direct with him about them. When I would try he would seem to shut down and back away. About a year ago he told me he met someone. We didn’t really talk about her. I asked him a couple times and mentioned her on occasion but she was never the main topic of our conversations. I think about six months into the relationship he said he asked her to marry him and she said yes and I felt like my world was shattered. I have been obsessing over him and saying things I shouldn’t and I find it very difficult to stop. Today we were just casually talking and I realized that I love him yes, but I have to love him as a friend because I want him to be happy. He’s had a lot of struggles in his life and I truly am happy he has found someone. I guess the fact that he has, has left me feeling alone and angry and I really need to back off for a while. Again, thank you for posting this. I am bookmarking it so I can come back to it again.
MTFO! MOVE THE F ON! The guy is a Narcissistic Class 1 A Hole!! He is using you for your Super Fan energy. Never speak to him again. Change your number and email. He is an energy vampire. With him, its “My Way or the Hiway”. Whenever you challenge him, he shuts down and backs away. Well let him. Let him back the F off right out of your life!
Michele, you deserve better. In addition to being a Toxic Piece of Sludge, this guy is a Narcissist, an Energy Vampire and, most importantly an Opportunity Cost. If you have your panties all in a bunch about him, you are wasting vital emotional energy that you could be putting on yourself and enhancing your life and also on meeting a guy who will take you out, a guy who will treasure you as the precious jewel you are. Michele, you deserve that. You do not deserve a Narcissistic Toxic Piece of Sludge. MOVE ON and open up a space in your life for a good guy who loves you and wants to be with you.
Hello! Afther reading you’re amazing post, I would like yo ask your opinion about my story! In November, a relation with a co-worker become a good relationship. I was ending a bad relation and he was going through a diviorce. We start to go out together, going to dinner, coffee, shopping and even got several dinners at his house. We spent a very good time, talking about work and everything. Afther some dates, sometimes he would sent a message saying he liked it and we should do it again. At first I didn’t feel anything about him, but afther some months I start to think that he was sending some signs and I developed more feelings about him. In our conversations, he always said he didn’t felt confortable having a relation at work, that would be very complicated, bur we never talk directly about us, because we are just best friends.
Afther 4 monts of the divorce, he decided to start dating, and I was one of the supports. Because I always want to make things clear, I decided to send him a message, while I was in vacation, saying that I was a litle confused, because I thought I had developed more feelings for him, but I didn’t want to ruin our great friendship. In his response he said that I didn’t even imagine the importance of our friendship had in his life, and he didn’t want anything to stoped, that’s why we wouldn’t have this conversation with me.
I respected that, but was hurt because I felt he could it be honest and said he didn’t felt anything romantic for me, just friendship. When I told my friends, they say he does have this feelings for me, but he very confused and imature.
Recently he told me he had found a very interesting girl, and them he throw the bomb at me – he was dating a co-worker from another department (we work in the same team, and are our desk are side by side). When he told me this I became very very sad.
Then I told him that know our relation had to change, because we couldn’t have our dinners or even late coffee. He became very angry with me, because he already had told this girl about me, the relarion and place I had in his life, so she just had to respect that. She knew that I was his best friend and was all day right beside him. Then he told me that this girl was hot, and a funny discovery, but he wasn’t ready for a real relation, because he still wants to aprecciate hi single life and specilly his daughter.
Afther the shock, now I’m fine with this. We are very good friends, talk about everything and spent a lot of time together at work, just making fun with each other, provoking and teasing each other. Our colleagues are always teasing us and saying that we are a couple. We don’t go out as we did in the past, but 2 or 3 day a month we go out to a dinner, shopping or concert. (no one knows about this, not even our co-workers or friends, They didn’t knew in the past either)
Afther all of this, and of course this is a short version, do you think I misread the signs? Do you think that can exist some confusion on him, or fear i losing our friendship?
I’m 34 years and his 30, and is a fact – he’s still very hurt about the divorce even saying that being with this girl made him realize that if his ex would come back, he coul say no (I’m always saying, in our coversayion about her, that she will want to come back). And he really is a bit imature, like my friends say, because some times he acts like a kid.
Thanks for you insight.
Thanks for the kind words. I stumbled upon this article. I think at one point everyone has had this situation happen to them in life. It is probably why most of the people have stumbled onto this article. I hope everything continues to go well, keep your head up…
Fantastic article and it couldn’t have come at a better time for myself. Thank you for writing.
MK, this was really great. You really are very strong for being able to keep your friendship going despite your feelings. This was written with so much emotion, and I really wish I can be as strong as you as I am going through a similar situation and everything you said rings true with my experience.
I fell in love with a girl about two years ago. We had been friends for nearly 5 years prior and over the years I really grew attached to her. She constantly had these elaborate dreams where she and I would build a dream home in the woods together and how she hopes someday we could live on a farm and take care of horses (she really likes horses). She’d also tell me how much she wishes she could find a boyfriend just like me. It got to the point where I really thought she loved me, and that she might actually be willing to take a chance. After finally telling her my feelings she said she didn’t feel the same about me. I then spent almost a year trying to just be friends, but it felt like all she was doing was coming to me for advice on other men in her life. At first I ignored it and just tried to give her advice, after all I was suppose to be a good friend. However, eventually started to get to me until one day I snapped.
I knew I was crazy about her and all I wanted, even though she didn’t want the same, was to be with her, I guess I had it in my head that if I was there for her and made her smile and made her happy then one day she would change her mind and decide to give me a chance. I spent 6 months after losing my job working random jobs to save enough money to go and visit her in Colombia, where she was teaching for the year. It was intended to be a surprise visit, but the week before I booked my tickets she called me up to tell me about a guy who made a surprise trip from our hometown to visit her in Colombia (pretty much exactly what I was going to do). I felt that everything I did was for nothing.
She had completely fell in love with this guy and wanted my opinion on him, though I never had met him before. I told her I didn’t think I was the right guy to ask or talk to about him, but she told me anyways about him and saying how much I’d like him since we have so many things in common. I was really hurt and basically exploded and put our friendship on hiatus. I explained I couldn’t continue being just a friend with someone I wanted more with. It took about 8 months for me to finally get the courage up to start talking to her again. Her sister and a bunch of mutual friends would reach out to me to tell me how much she was hurting and that she wasn’t handling me not being there well. I really didn’t want to hurt her and thought maybe I should at least try to be her friend. I still have feelings for her and still want a relationship more than anything with her, but I also don’t want to just walk away from our friendship, I know being her friend means I have to put my real feelings aside and just be there for her. I am not sure how this plays out in the end for me and I even told her that I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t still have feelings for her in another 5 years. However, I also said that I think my friendship with her is worth trying to save.
She just moved back to our hometown and we plan to have a lunch together, and I want to see her, but I’m really working hard to suppress my feelings for her. II had to draw certain lines and had to tell her that I needed her to stop being affectionate to me, but it is hard because her affection is one of the many traits I love about her, but I cant handle having her hugging me or making some elaborate long term dream with me when I know that the affection and the dreams are really meant for some other guy. Also it bothers me to no end that I have to hide my feelings while some guy she barely knows gets to express his feelings. She told me that even though I have most of the traits she wants in a guy the one thing we are missing is a “spark”, she can’t explain it but she feels a “spark” with this guy (and all the other guys whom she has dated). She says that a relationship can’t last without that spark. She thinks a spark is either there or it isn’t, and that’s the deciding factor of whether a relationship could work.
I don’t know what to do, I am so torn. On one hand if I really love her I’d do everything to make her happy even if that means putting my feelings aside. However, I’m scared that my real feelings are going to make it near impossible for me to be truly happy as just being her friend. Sadly, a part of me still holds on to the hope that maybe if I put myself through this that it will pay off in the end and that maybe one day she’d actually see me differently. I can;t even go on a date with another girl without thinking of her, and it’s tearing me apart.
What do I do? How does one get over these feelings? I thought some time away would help but it hasn’t. What would you do in my situation?
I just had to say that your situation is the EXACT same as mine. EXACT. I am currently at the stage where I have cut him out of my life since he has been in a relationship (a few months). I couldn’t handle it any longer. I haven’t decided whether we will ever be friends again, I am just taking the time to occupy my brain with other things.
Thank you for posting this comment; it filled me with so much emotion and tears and, in a way, is comforting that someone else has experienced the same as me.
I wish you happiness – we deserve it.
>> What do I do? How does one get over these feelings? I thought some time away would help but it hasn’t. What would you do in my situation?
I would focus my time and energy on finding someone else.
I’m in this situation now. I’m in love with my best friend of 5 years. He doesn’t feel the same way about me. We want to remain friends, but I’m really struggling. We’ve been keeping a lot of distance for the last few months, but I still feel the same.
I hope I will start to feel differently. But it doesn’t feel like it. I would love to hear from any of you who previously wrote on this string. How are you now? Did you get over it? Have you managed to stay friends? What helped you to make the changes – either to maintain the friendship or to walk away?
I’ve been through all of this before, and multiple times. The reason you feel the same is because you haven’t found something else to spend your time thinking about. In other words, the only solution to ending your suffering is to end your attachment. Luckily, it’s a huge world out there. Join an activity club and find new friends. Once you fall into the right activity group, you’ll stop thinking about him and it might even cause him to become interested again. Although if he is stringing you along then you should question whether you should want him to be. You say that he wants to remain friends. Him wanting to remain friends with you while not giving you the kind of relationship you want sounds, to me, like he could be a manipulator. Mature men who care about the women whom they know want relationships that they don’t want to reciprocate know that it’s kindest to maintain distance so that the woman can rediscover her own strength, as all limerence stems from neediness. You might consider getting on YouTube right now and educating yourself on what narcissists are. They can be very charming, and often don’t even know that they are narcissists. I’m not saying that he is necessarily a destructive narcissist but it’s still not cool for him to be stringing you along. How will you feel when and if you discover that the only reason he wants to be “friends” with you is for the occasional hookup, and/or for access to your resources, and/or for access to your other friends? Then you’ll really be enmeshed. Many people have lost whole groups of friends over things like this, and worse. I’ve been through this too. It’s just too risky.
“A lot of distance for the last few months” means a little bit of contact. If you’re vulnerable, then even a little bit of contact can undo any progress you’ve made towards feeling normal without him, hence your indication that you still feel the same. If you’d truly gone no-contact, then you’d almost certainly be feeling better after five months, that is, unless you’ve been sitting in a room staring at a wall all that time. Again, you have to find new activities and people to replace the emptiness.
Also, you’re not really in love with him, you’re infatuated with him (limerence). Being in love with someone is a very specific thing and it requires both people in order to do it.
My earlier posts to this board emphasize that people should find someONE else in order to get over the person they’re infatuated with. This is close to being the solution, but is actually wrong. It really is true that all attachment and neediness stems from an emptiness within. That emptiness cannot be filled by another person; it can only be filled by you. So, now, to get over infatuation, I emphasize that people should find someTHING else to focus on. People who are doing what they love and who are engaged in their life’s purpose, or who are at least trying to, naturally gravitate towards other like-minded people, and vice versa. This naturally leads to healthy relationships. Conversely, people who look for someONE to give their life meaning, instead of first going out and finding THEIR LIFE’S MEANING, are fundamentally unanchored, and so even if they do find someone to give them happiness in the beginning of a relationship, it almost certainly won’t last, and will typically end badly.
In other words you could get on a dating site and try to find someone else, but if your life’s a mess, and if you have no idea who you are or what you want to be or do, then anyone you gravitate to is almost certainly either going to be a disaster, or you yourself will end up making it into one.
Hello Hearbroken,, Its been 3 years.. Where are you at now.. I am where you were at the time that you wrote this.. Almost verbatim. Did you win her over? Did you get over her and find someone else? OR are we in the same boat? Looking for some hope here.
How long does this feeling last it’s been years and I still can’t get pass this..
I sort of went through the same situation like yours sort of differently though. I been friends with her for a couple years 3 through 4 years and I fell in love with her the moment I met her. It was something so Beautiful and so pure I felt like we connected so well with eachother she’s Arabic and I’m Brazilian we haven’t met in person yet I been saving up and I actually have the courage to go see her this month coming up,the first day when I met her we’ve talked for hours each sunrise till midnight, midnight till sunrise i knew she felt something for me the way she would talk to me show me her affection express to me her feelings and so have I towards her. We face timed eachother through out these years phone calls almost everyday she would talk to me how her parents are very strict with her and her sisters very religious and I respected that about her. There has been a couple times I’ve opened up to her but she wouldn’t answer me in complete answers I would tell her how I felt she would tell me how she felt towards me but try to walk around it I always thought to myself does she feel the same way I do? am I the only one feeling this way? All these questions that gather up in my head but still get no answer. Until she would open up to me more we never dated it’s against her religion If we did and now I understand that clearly I didn’t before I would wonder all this time why would she push me away I might sound weak of a man but I admit I’ve cried for her it hurt me it Tore me to pieces having these feelings and love towards somebody that you can’t have I seem to come back to the same theme with her and we seem to just stop trying be we always come back to one another I took a month maybe two without talking to her trying to push my feelings aside because all she ever wanted was to be friends it hurt me it felt as if she was leading me on at some point to where I had to say this was enough for me I had to leave so I left I erased her off of everything I had her number her pictures any social media I had that would connect me to her but none of it seemed to work when the one place I couldn’t erase her was out of my mind So I texted her after a few months later I got her number from one of her friends that messaged me earlier around the week asking me how was I because she wanted to know so what was I suppose to say? I was horrible I was torn I was shattered into all these tiny little pieces but there was nothing for me to say then just to tell her I was fine I was starting to move on without her until her friend messaged me about her that’s when I started wondering how was she? Is she doing okay? Until I messaged her and we started talking again, then another year passed and through out that year I was growing feelings for her those feelings I thought I moved on from came right back i think it was faster getting these feelings back then moving out of them. I didn’t know why I couldn’t be her friend and till this day I still can’t figure out why. I have to much love for her in a way that is more then just a friend but just when we started talking again she told me she got engaged.. I’ll be honest it broke me for months I’ve felt like I was nothing to her like if nothing ever ment anything I new she wanted to be with me but she couldn’t. It’s against her religion being with another man who isn’t her race.. she would talk to me about it about her marriage but I can’t seem to give her any advice because these feelings get in the way I can’t seem to put in my head that she’s going to get married with another man soon..I can’t.. I love her.. she would tell me if it was up to me I would be with you but I would try to ignore those little comments she would say to not feel some sort of way about her I try and distance myself from her by not replying as much or showing her any affection as much ,she has noticed that but there’s times we both just can’t seem to let eachother go I try to because her marriage she doesn’t seem as excited as a future bride would feel , she has told me before she would wish I would be the one asking for her hand instead of the other guy but it seems as if I can’t really do anything then just be here for her when she needs me I won’t lie at times I just want to beat myself because this whole friendship kills me when I have all this love I want to give her and show her, and now till this very day we talk still we both know we love one another but her marisage is soon this summer coming up I try not to think about it because it breaks me down but thats the very moment when i know I’m gonna lose her for good. I don’t know what to do at this moment I’m being there for her as a friend but man I love her very much so. Somtimes I just want to give up and leave out of her life and just change everything my number and everything and never know anything about her but I can’t she’s worth fighting for.
Your story made me realize even when you want to give up and just forget everything its better to just say there and try and thanks a lot for sharing your story i related soo much to it-
I can so feel and relate with your position. I was into that guy since years and didn’t interact because it might sound awkward. One day, he interacted with me on some thing and it was like dream coming true. Later, everything happened what I initially fantasized about him. Friendship, sharing snaps, discussing deep thoughts and being there when needed. I always had that certain feelings and when I was sure that he feels the same, I told him that I liked him more than as a friend. On that the reply was kinda shocking for me as he didn’t see that spark when I interacted with him. In the beginning, he was hinting too as I believe and when I pointed this out indirectly to him, he said, he was just being kind like he is with other good friends. He has been in such situations where he met someone for marriage and when he didn’t see a spark, he stayed as a friend with them. For me, it was something hard to believe because I like him since years. He suggested me to avoid him if I want to move on. I am trying to do that because I think it isn’t working. I was literally in tears reading your comment because I feel the same and somehow felt comfort that I am not alone to be friendzoned in a such a way that he knows everything yet pretends that I would move into life. I have my exams in few days and so much of research work to do but I am unable to do because of the grief and emptiness I am feeling right now. It’s been one week since I interacted with him and god knows how much more time I need to get over the feeling. The fact is that I have dozens of mutual friends with him and I just can’t pretend that nothing has happened.
Well the friend I fell in love with (and admitted to having sexual attraction towards) was attracted to me also, but only for a fling. He wanted me to send him naked pictures! Here I’m soooo ‘into’ him yet I was just a body he wanted to jerk off to, (not actually want a relationship with) In the end, it was like he as just exploiting me, so either way, it still sucked.
This is all sounding very positive and beautiful, and I like that and think the world needs more of it. But the pain that is emanating from this post and from many of the comments leads me to suspect that the writer and maybe some others are very nice people who have been “friend-zoned” by someone with insecurities and possibly narcissistic tendencies.
I have recently reconciled with such a man (insecure and somewhat narcissistic) whom I had been with for nearly 20 years before divorcing him and then waiting 7 years to begin a reconciliation. I am able to reconcile with him because I have learned in the meantime what all those female friendships were about – they were ego feed for him and I am the person he actually MARRIED – I was not one of his friend-zoned people. The things I now KNOW that I could not understand before:
1. He has always KNOWN at some level that the friend (whichever one) is in love with him – that is why the friendship is so difficult for him to give up: provides him emotional backup and strength to enter relationships with women he is actually attracted to and potentially in love with. My ex-husband and now-partner actually BEGAN DATING someone (for the first time since our split) two years ago AT THE SAME TIME as he implored me to go into counseling with him and stated his undying love for me – they had a nine month relationship which allowed me to affirm for myself that he doesn’t cross physical lines (even when in love with the “other women” – at that point, me… and, no, neither of us made a move that direction!).
2. He would never have a relationship or “friend-zone” connection with anyone who could
truly pose a primal (jealousy-inducing) threat to me – so, all of his
“friend-zoned” females, including the one he dated for emotional
fall-back while in counseling with me, are 1. physically less attractive than I
(by his tastes, of course: he likes leggy and busty and they are all short and small-chested,
but also they all would be described by most people as being plain or homely in
the face); 2. less educated than I; 3. less accomplished than I; and 4. people
he could not possibly ever fall in love with given who he and they are as
people. I know I sound terribly vain, but the point to focus on is that he
makes sure that the friend-zoned females will be acceptable to me on a primal
level – they weren’t, of course, the first time I was with him, but I have
learned a lot now about why he does this and I know that, just as so many of
you have experienced, they will be shut down and hurt the minute they cross a
line romantically or try to put me down. PLEASE NOTE THAT I DO NOT BLAME THE
FRIEND-ZONED WOMEN – this is all on him, but it’s acceptable to the
love-partnered woman if she understands it.
3. This is all very painful for the friend-zoned parties but they have this one small power: a man like this feels terrible guilt about what he is doing to you because, contrary to what you believe, he knows all along exactly how you feel (he is not stupid and can read social and emotional cues). He is just so deeply insecure and fearful that he can’t help but take the emotional feed you so willingly provide. To the friend-zoned person, this man is nothing but an emotional leech and user – as his love-partnered choice, I can now accept it because HE DOES NOT TREAT ME LIKE THIS and HE IS NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON. He has a problem that he solves by using some people even as he can be warm and loving and giving and FAITHFUL TO his partner.
4. This small power that you do have – to manipulate his guilt toward keeping the friendship – is
empty. Being friend-zoned in this way is soul-destroying, especially if you let
it go on for ten years (as one of my partner’s zoned gals has, and he is now
having to let her down very slowly, having talked this out with me and taken
the choice to stop using this very nice woman who saw him through very tough times when I left him). Find a man who loves you and stop being this man’s solution to emotional down days and fears of rejection. My partner is going to keep his friend-zoned females but at a greater distance – the one he actually dated for security while winning me back is still chasing him through
email and telephone, but one day she will feel empowered by some vibe he puts
out (to keep her on his roster) and she will misunderstand and take that step
too far. He will reject her in no uncertain terms and with a mortifying
statement that he NEVER lead her on like that and NEVER did or said anything
that she should have interpreted that way – and technically, he won’t have. She
will be put in her place and made to feel crazy.
Do I like it? No way – it’s been a long road to understanding and comfort with this problem of his (I divorced him, for crying out loud!!). Can I now live with it? Absolutely. It’s no skin off my nose and I am now in the driver’s seat because I know exactly what’s going on. (He left the one he dated within weeks of my stating I could no longer spend time with him while he was dating someone else – from his perspective, of course, he had never made any commitments to her, and, technically, that is true). He will always be bound by technicalities in relationships, so get all his commitments in email if you want to be with a man such as this (I have kept all the love notes he sent while dating the other, and even recorded some of our coffee chats where he said the relationship with her would never last and lots of other things). LIke all these other women, I am in love with his many wonderful qualities.
None of you deserves this; friend-zoned people often do have problems of their own –
borderline pd, passive-aggressive, or just lonely – but they do not have to
accept this treatment and wouldn’t if they understood what is going on. You
will not win this man’s heart.
BUT HE NEVER LITTERALLY SPOKE WORDS OF REJECTION AT YOU. Unless you left that part out. I feel kind of bad if that is the cause, because if so it seems like you were waiting for the typical “he should court me and express his feelings which may also be dormant like mine were, but 8 years later when then arise in me they should automatically instinctively do the same in him.” This is so beta :/ but it must be in the past and what could have been is irrelevant now as you see to have gotten over it.
This posting really resonates with my current experience. I’ve secretly loved a coworker for one whole year because he supported me a lot when I was new to the company. We flirted a lot and always hung out in group for after-work happy hour drinks. We shared so many common interests. While my feeling for him was still under my control before, recently there was one night when we were left alone at bar, and we kissed and made out passionately. It might just be a fling or entertainment to him, but I was so grateful when he kissed me. The next day when I woke up, I smelt him all over myself and I got emotions everywhere. Then later that day I told him that I like him. He rejected me. The next several days were like really in a hell. I thought back and forth, I was sad and self denying at the beginning, then it turned into angry because I felt like he just used me, then just became guilty felling it was all my fault, and eventually I accepted the plain fact: he didn’t love me. But when I finally got my peace, he started texting me again, in a friendly tone but still over-caring. However, he sent messages only on a weekly basis, and he never obviously across the friendship line. On my side, I just got all my fantasies, hopes and expectations back again. I am like, waiting for his messages every moment, and I know I should tell him to fuck off but I hate myself for still craving for these random texts from him.
A novel said that only two things can heal such a heartache: long enough time or a good enough new lover. While the time is obviously not long enough, fortunately I think I got a good new lover. I think it’s very important not to trace anything back any more, no-blame, no-proving, and not to imagine “what if” scenarios or future possibilities. Just let things be. Let past mysteries be mysteries. Remember good moments he gave you and move on.
That man is a class 1 A hole Narcissist. He started texting you back because he realized that his narcissistic supply of Super Fan love was waning (eg you finally getting your peace) They are like sharks who must constantly swim to get oxygen, Narcissists must constantly have new and varied supplies of adoration. When they feel you are on the hook and adoring them, they will ignore you, but if you start to move away from them emotionally, they will try to hook you back in.
If I were you, I would change jobs if you could at all to get away from this guy. These Narcissistic energy vampires are the devil. Best to get away from them ASAP!
Thank you Matt D and Becca Bangston. You’re combined posts are closest to my own thoughts and experiences as I walk through this crappy place of wanting to be closer to a friend and getting mixed messages–which mean he’s trying to have his cake (me, the friend he cares about so much), and eat it (on Match looking for that someone special), too. Fuck it all. I’m so sick of seeing happy couples who somehow miraculously seemed to want to be close with each other at the same fucking time. What world do they live in? I’m hurting, very sad, and mad. I’m afraid I’ll never find that path that leads to being in a good loving relationship. Feeling hopeless about it tonight, this post and the thoughtful responses by so many helps a lot. Thanks.
My “Paul” lives in my resort town half the year. I am so in love with him but he tries to keep me from the other women , who could be good friends for me, because he has an insatiable need to be close to them and everyone else and he doesn’t want my presence to interfere with that. He will be back in 2 weeks. Help me to break this horrible bond.
Almost the same thing happened to me. I had a crush on a co-worker for 1 year but it was reverse of your situation. This coworker joined the company and she was unlike anyone I met before. We flirted a lot and hung out in groups. She laughed at everything I said to the point where her belly would ache from laughing. We would text during work. She flirted with me publicly with other co-workers to the point where other co-workers including our boss thought we were dating.
All that aside, every time I asked her out, she found an excuse. I could never understand why. I thought maybe she was just shy so I kept trying in a different way but eventually I just backed off. Then, later, she asked me out to a concert and said she would bring her friend. Another girl wanted to go from work so she joined too. So the three of us from work + her friend. She didn’t reveal the identity of her friend until he came to the concert. It was her boyfriend. That moment felt like someone through a poison-tipped spear through my heart. I had to even take a small bathroom break during the concert to get my thoughts together and go back composed. It was hard for me then to keep going to work and seeing her. I stopped flirting with her immediately.
It felt so weird because she wasn’t laughing or had any of the same common interests she did with me vs that other guy. It’s almost like she was dating this guy just to show that she wasn’t single. This guy even told me he has never been to a concert let alone with her. A lot of time passed but we started to talk again and flirt again. I gave her another chance and again tried to ask her out but still she made an excuse. I kept making a fool out of myself – why? Because I still had hope.
Then, I got a new job and moved to a new city. I thought it was my last chance to tell her how I felt before I moved or ask her out one last time. She still had an excuse. I never told her since there was obviously no reason to. The last time we saw each other, we looked deeply into each other’s eyes and she gave me a hug and asked me to keep in touch. It didn’t matter though because I knew it was all just one-sided communication.
People come and go in your life. Some you may connect with very well but if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, then you have to move on. Even now, I wonder if she would ever reach out to me, what I would say or do, but the best thing to do is to move on.
Thanks so much for this post, and to all others who’ve shared their similar experiences. As is the trend on here, I experienced virtually a carbon-copy of this scenario myself. Being turned down and trying to move on from someone I felt so strongly about – and who I thought felt the same way about me – has been possibly the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through.
It’s so disheartening that it’s been well over a year later that I was turned down now (and almost one year of no contact after unsuccessfully trying to stay friends), and she is still omnipresent in my mind. I’ve made great strides and I’m definitely coming along, and I accept that the memories will never completely fade (and maybe that’s a good thing anyway), but the process still feels so frustratingly slow.
I have two questions for you MK; are you still friends with / in touch with Paul? And has it been possible to open up to someone else, or does he still occupy too much real estate in your heart? Any kind of update would be much appreciated…and thanks again for sharing your story!
Thank you for your kind response, Mike. 🙂 It means a lot to me that you and others have taken the time to connect and to share your own similar experiences.
To answer your questions: Yes, I still see Paul from time to time, mostly at work functions every few weeks (sometimes months). Now and again, I receive emails and forwards from him about running or volunteer work we both participate in. I would still classify him as a friend although I stay mindful of how turbulent my feelings for him have been. I make an effort to acknowledge to myself my former expectations and not to read too much into any contact I have with him when he’s just being friendly or flirty. I’ve gotten much better at boundaries and acceptance and having compassion for myself and for Paul. To be candid, what used to be so hurtful was that Paul wouldn’t date me yet showed up for what felt like ego boosts for him. What helped me, and may help others perhaps, is that I have a weekly yoga and meditation practice and developed some other hobbies and interests that are also very useful. 🙂 I stay too interested and motivated to dwell.
Paul has dated off-and-on (one of the girlfriends I met last year and surprised myself by enjoying her company when she was placed at my table at a fundraiser), as have I, but there hasn’t yet been someone who has caught my breath and taken me by surprise in my affections, however the real change has been that I continue to get out there and meet new friends and develop connections that perhaps could turn into more with time and the magic of chemistry. 😉 The difference has been not so much my feelings for Paul– a part of me still feels that chemical spark whenever we meet– but my expectations for the future. I no longer hold out much hope that Paul and I will end up together, as I used to, nor do I dwell on a lost opportunity like I used to when I was writing this article. There is a peace in realizing, after I see him, that Paul and I were meant to be friends and, for whatever reason, there is someone else who is always available and who always has my back to comfort and support me at any time: me! 😉 I still believe there’s someone else out there, a romantic interest, who will more than make the pain over Paul and the wait worthwhile. 😉
I wish everyone who has shared their stories and responded so honestly great peace and the love you deserve. 🙂 Thanks for asking for an update, Mike!
This is my first time posting here and I feel the need to do so because I am also in a similar situation as many of you here. Everything I have read here has been extremely helpful for me. First and foremost it leaves me feeling not alone. Almost 4 years ago I met a man who I immediately felt physically attracted to. I am married and so was he at the time. We are both part of the same community of friends so it was important to not let our attraction for each other show unless we were alone. I have been in a relationship with the same person for 30 yrs. now. We have been married for 10. The man I met was having difficulty in his marriage and is currently going thru a divorce. We email each other daily sometimes several times, and on occasion get together to enjoy a mutual outdoor activity. My spouse knows we are attracted to each other, but have remained friends. I can’t imagine hurting my spouse and for the most part the relationship is pretty good except it lacks in the amount of sexual intimacy that at this point in my life I desire. I know this man would be more than willing to fulfill those needs for me, but it’s complicated and confusing. I often feel tormented. I think about him daily. I miss him when we don’t talk and when we get together it is hard to part. He told me he understands the limits in our relationship but that he wants me in his life just the same. I feel so good having him in my life, yet it is difficult to have limits. This is a new experience for me to have such an intimate male friend and it is also really nice. I am also fortunate to have a supportive spouse who trusts me. Although I have difficulty trusting myself. I don’t want to mess up my whole life and potentially lose a relationship that has been constant and stable and loving when I am not sure about this man. And now that he is going thru a divorce the future is even more uncertain. He also has young children and things are complicated for him right now. At this point I am trying to maintain an intimate friendship with him, but I am really scared for the day to come where he finds another woman to love. It feels like it might be unbearable for me. I try to not get ahead of myself and stay in today, but the fear is there. I worry he will forget me.
I appreciate the support offered here and I am working on trying to hold all my feelings and be ok with it all. I sometimes feel I can love both this man and my spouse and other times I just don’t feel I have enough room in my heart and it is all too much to carry and I have to make a choice. I don’t want to lose him yet At times it is uncomfortable to have him in my life. I know my feelings stem from a personal belief system that stems from my childhood and the idea of loving more than one person can sometimes feel impossible. But I would really like to feel comfortable with it all. The fear can come in and scare me and convince me it is all too much. Sort of like a black and white, and/or thing. So I am working on it but I am always happy get some support with it. Thanks for sharing and for listening.
you are having an emotional affair with this man. He is probably using you to get dopamine release into his brain. You also are probably addicted to the dopamine release of this forbidden situation. I wonder why your spouse is putting up with this? Is he too passionless, or does he have something on the side? What man in love with his wife would put up with her having an emotional affair with someone?
Reading these comments and all the failed stories of friendships ‘not’ working, has me thinking that ‘it’s only when you’re indifferent’ and the need you have for the other person disappears, that something could possibly work out. It’s like the more you want something, the less you get it. And the greater your need, the more the ‘need’ you have is pushed onto the other person in a form of desperation. No one wants to feel pushed into trying to fill that ‘need’ in another person or guilty if they can’t. The fact that two people can manage to stay friends despite things shows the possibility is there but the desperate need gets in the way. And maybe people aren’t even aware of this need but you could be sending out signals of it. Whenever I have a ‘take or leave them’ attitude about any guy, the guys becomes obsessed with me! Because I’m not being desperate or trying to gain something or pushing my desires onto the other person. It’s difficult to have a take or leave them attitude if you really ‘fall’ for someone, but I think this is the best way to be. You need to detach from your needs and go more with the flow and if it doesn’t work out, then ‘it wasn’t meant to be’.
give this woman a cookie thanks melanie, you have saved me weeks of thinking. Thank you
Are people really friends or is one doing all the things that one person wants and the other is not making any effort whatsoever to do any thing the other person wants? If you think about it, that is usually how it is. One person is a “Super Fan” and the other is a “Narcissist” who needs a Super Fan.
The desperate person needs to move on. They didn’t get desperate until they waited a while and if the other person had been into them from the get go, they would not have had to get desperate in the first place. The only mistake the desperate person made is not waking up and smelling the coffee and realizing that they are a chopped liver Superfan for the Narcissist, and then when they realized that, then getting the F away from the Narcissist.
Good people who are not into someone do not keep them as “close friends” because they know this will hurt the other person’s feelings. Good people do not hurt other people especially people they supposedly care for. And if you care for someone that you are not physically attracted to and you know they are physically attracted to you, then you break up the friendship and let them move on, so they can find someone who will actually want to be with them.
I would like to share my story…I have been in a relationship for 5
years, he was the love of my life and I was planning to spend my life
with him. One day, the worst day of my life, I found out that he was
keeping secrets from me, soon we were arguing and broke up. I was
destroyed and became very depressed. I started therapy and bit by bit I
started feeling better. There was a friend that helped me through that
difficult time, but soon he confessed he has feelings for me. I was
unsure and insecure and after months of trying to figure out my
feelings, we decided to try dating. We were together for less then a
month and my feelings for him unfortunately were just friendly, I wasn’t
in love with him. I knew that I must tell him the truth, and I did.
That was three days ago. He was sad, disappointed, crying, and so was I.
Now, I am so afraid of loosing him, I miss him so much…I want to stay
friends with him because he is an amazing person. I’m just not ready to
be in another relationship, I’m to fragile and it’s too soon. He says
that we can stay friends, that he would be ok, but I’m afraid that he is
still hoping that we can be together. I don’t want to loose him, I
don’t think I’m able to loose another close person in my life, but I
don’t want to be selfish and want to do what is best for him too. I am
so lost and depressed again, i don’t know if I can handle this….
Let him go. He will always be hoping that you will be with him. Deal with your pain about not having a “super fan” and let him go.
Let him go, please. Don’t hurt him any further.
I went through a peaceful breakup after a year relationship with a friend of 15 years. We broke all the rules of dating: being best friends, starting not that long (a month) after her husband walked out on her and her twin infants, I was also the godfather to her children. We had always loved each other over the years but the timing was never right. I was her only consistent friend over the years. When her husband walked out on her, I was the first person she called. I was her support system that eventually became something more. We weren’t sure at first but things between us were so natural. It wasn’t perfect but it was two people who genuinely loved each other.
When she broke up with me we put our relationship on hold because neither of our lives were stable, mine less so than hers. We still spent a lot of time with each other. A few times Id tell her I love her and she anr her kids were the best thing that ever happened to me and that I didn’t want to lose them in the long r.un. She needed me to be her best friend like I had been for 15 years. There were plenty of mixed signals back and forth over the last 5 months culminating in New Years where we spent it together platonically but with her laying in my arms while watching a movie. Everything went on like this for the last 5 months until a new person came into the picture. I was jealous and I tried my best but I didn’t handle things properly, neither did she and things were said back and forth and now it has completely blown up. It’s now at the point where I warned by the police not to contact her in any way not even two weeks after she took me out for my birthday.
My biggest regret is that we were best friends through everything up until this point. I miss her immensely, I love her and her children. I also hate her sometimes, as well as myself, for ending up in this situation. Do I still want her back? Absolutely. But I’d take having my best friend back. It’s been almost 2 weeks of no contact since the warning. I just hope she realizes that she doesn’t want to throw away the one friendship who loves her and her children unconditionally and has always been there for her from day one.
I’m so glad i read this… Thank you for writing this =0
Did you find love? X
Ohhhh you have no idea how much thiss writing validates my feelings and circumstances at this time in my life, thank you…
well, I don’t think its a good idea to do something outright that causes you pain. Living itself is painful enough. You don’t have to add to it. Who wants to feel like chopped liver? Who wants to be around someone who reminds you that, “Yes, you are chopped liver”? Yes, you are not pretty enough, or sexy enough or attractive enough for them to want to date.
People are supposed to be friends with their partners/lovers, so if you are friends with someone and they do not want to date you, it means they are not sexually attracted to you; and who wants to be around someone who is a constant subliminal reminder that you do not make the grade? It will make you think that you do not make the grade with any one, and that could become a self fulfilling prophecy.
The best thing is to stay away from the person because if you try to date, all you will be doing is thinking about that person and not concentrating on anyone you date and that is not fair to them.
I think Buddhism is also about awareness and learning to move on and let go and not just about learning to “suck it up” and stick around for painful situations. If you’re gonna do that, why not just stick your head in a vise and tighten it and leave it there so you can show the world how blissful and enlightened you are and how you can continue to endure a pain that could easily be avoided.
If your job pays really well or you would not be able to find another one easily, then I understand needing to come to terms with this. Otherwise I would get out of there. Being around someone who has rejected you is not an action of self love.
I call BS on this. There is a time to stay and there is a time to go and this is definitely a time to go.
hello
Hi i am married 45 and in love with my best friend of 10 years who is ls married . we love and respect each other but 12 months ago i developed feelings and fell in love with her . Due to our jobs we communicate regularly My marriage is struggling its all about her and we have been together 18 years but lost the will of loving and cant get this back. This girl Kiley knows my love for her and have expressed this over and over but get nothing and several times i completely ignored her so i can move on only to find several calls and emails and texts etc we meet and go on the same merry go around again. i told her she needs to make her mind up as i want more out of this relationship and she said can we give it another try. also not to mention she had an affair just after i told her i am i love with her. i have to listen to this every day how this guy treated her like crap with no respect to me as i was in love with her . She keeps using her emotions against me so i feel guilty and i am the bad one. i cant help my feelings and love for this girl ,am i right that i need to move on to see if there is a new life for me i keep telling her she has to leave me alone . i have spoilt her rotten with gifts and lunches over many years and i think she is to scared to let this go but for me its painful when i see her as i want her. Yes be strong and leave and spend this time with my wife . i don’t have this compassion its another story. can i please have advice remmebering we have been friends for 10 years and she knows as much as i know about her so its hard to let go and she makes me feel bad if i say stop contacting me