Stop Telling Me to Forgive: Why This Isn’t Helpful

“If you force yourself into forgiveness before fully feeling and moving through the layers of anger and hurt, it won’t be a clean and true forgiveness but rather a pseudo-virtuous form of bypassing and suppression.” ~Cory Muscara

A while back, I was invited to a birthday party, and I was genuinely excited to go. But then I learned that someone I no longer associate with—a former best friend—would also be attending. The news stopped me in my tracks.

This wasn’t just an “ex-friend.” She had once been one of the most important people in my life, but that changed when I went through a painful experience involving a narcissistic individual. When I needed her most, she didn’t stand by me. Instead, she stayed silent, offering no support as I endured gaslighting, invalidation, and manipulation.

Letting go of the narcissist was clear and necessary, but recognizing that my best friend was no longer safe for me was much harder. It took more than a year of reflection, emotional processing, and painful physical symptoms for me to accept that this relationship was no longer healthy.

So, I declined the party invitation, explaining to my friend that for my own well-being, I needed to skip the event. But instead of understanding, I received a lecture about forgiveness. “You need to hear the other side,” she said. “There are two sides to every story.”

Her words stung. Not because forgiveness hadn’t crossed my mind, but because they dismissed the boundaries I had worked so hard to establish. Why is it that when we try to protect ourselves, others feel compelled to challenge our decisions?

The Problem with Prescriptive Forgiveness

In our culture, forgiveness is often upheld as the ultimate solution to pain. We see it in inspirational quotes and self-help advice:

• “Forgiveness is a choice you make to move forward.”
• “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
• “Refusing to forgive keeps you chained to the past.”

While these ideas sound wise, they often oversimplify the complex process of healing. Forgiveness is not always something you can will yourself into. For those who’ve experienced deep and profound trauma, the mind and body don’t always align. You can tell yourself to forgive, but your emotions and physical responses may resist.

A More Compassionate Perspective

For me, the turning point came when I discovered a different definition of forgiveness by Teal Swan:

“When you’ve experienced profound trauma, the focus shouldn’t be on forgiveness but on healing by creating resolve and experiencing the opposite of the harm. As you heal and find love, safety, and protection elsewhere, forgiveness often arises naturally, as the disruption within you resolves on its own.”

This shifted everything. It reminded me that forgiveness isn’t something you force; it’s something that flows naturally when healing has occurred. And healing often requires us to focus on what was missing during the hurtful experience.

How to Support Someone Who’s Healing

When a friend or loved one shares their pain, the best thing you can do is meet their needs in the moment, not prescribe forgiveness or reconciliation. Instead, offer actions that help counteract the harm they’ve endured:

• If they feel unsafe, help them feel secure.
• If they feel unheard, listen deeply.
• If they feel betrayed, show them loyalty.
• If they communicate a boundary, honor it.
• If they feel dismissed, validate their emotions and experiences.
• If they feel abandoned, stay consistent and present in their life.

These actions create the foundation for healing, which makes forgiveness—if it comes—authentic and meaningful.

Let’s Change the Conversation

The next time someone shares their struggle, resist the urge to suggest forgiveness. Instead, focus on understanding their needs and providing genuine support. Healing doesn’t come from empty platitudes; it comes from connection, empathy, and actions that restore what was broken.

Forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite for healing. It’s a byproduct of it. And when it happens naturally, it’s far more powerful than anything forced or prescribed.

About Kate Pejman

Kate Pejman is an engineer, climate change advocate, and the creator of The Benevolent Series. Through candid interviews and personal stories, she explores life at the intersection of authenticity, relationships, and freedom—examining both what we lose and what we gain in the process. You can find her at www.thebenevolentseries.com. You can find her on Instagram here.

• Web
|
• More Posts