Continued:

“perhaps she didn’t let you see her early in the morning (provided that she took the wig off while sleeping)?”-

Reconstructing a memory: It was early in the morning, earlier than I’d normally wake up. I was maybe 7, maybe younger. I woke up, walked to the bathroom where she was fixing her wig. She hadn’t noticed I was awake, maybe having forgotten to lock the bathroom door behind her. I approach, open the door further, and I see a totally bald person. I either screamed or had terror registering on my face. She had terror in hers, maybe anger. She puts on her wig quickly, best she can, takes me back to bed and says to me: It was only a dream, a bad dream. Go back to sleep.

For 20 years.. it was only a bad dream.

What else was not really “only a bad dream”, I wonder.

How many untruths did she tell me, day in and day out?

That people were bad, That she was good, that I was bad, a bad unworthy daughter, that no one is to be trusted, that she loves me, that she is “the best mother in the world”, that her intentions are always good (she said that), that she’s always been a victim.. that she is shy and meek, that no one will ever love me as much as she’s loved me, that my sister is a w****, that..

HOW MANY LIES..???

Anita

Hi Alessa:

You are very welcome!

Relaxing is a good idea, definitely. I just read Tee’s post in your thread in regard to (I am paraphrasing) relaxing the hypervigilant nervous system of those of us not having had a safe mother to rest in. I am getting better at relaxing my anxiety these very days by paying attention to it when it spikes, being aware of what caused the spike, and relaxing it.

This very morning, before getting out of bed, I asked my inner child: “is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?” (these are your words, your suggestion, yesterday). She said she wanted to lie down for a little while longer.

I hope that your breathing is continuing to improve and that you will sleep well tonight 💤

I feel encouraged to keep talking about the difficult topics on my other thread, now that I read that it is helping you too.

Thank you for saying I’m very brave. I just experienced the first smile of the day reading the words “very brave” 😊🙏

❤️ 🤍 Anita

SA Trigger Warning:

Dear Tee:

I just had a conversation with Copilot in regard to her asking me in my early 20s, late at night, when I returned from a date of sorts: “Are you with him because he has (a male sex organ), (a vulgar word used), and I don’t?”

Copilot: “Yes — what you described does qualify as sexual abuse, specifically covert sexual abuse… Even though there was no overt sexual act, she used sexualized language to control, shame, and manipulate you. That is what makes it covert sexual abuse.

“Impact on you: The trauma you felt — shock, shame, confusion — is evidence of the violation. Abuse is defined not only by the act but by the misuse of power and the harm it causes.

“Abuse can be overt (physical acts) or covert (sexualized exposure, language, insinuation). Both are real, both are damaging, and both count as sexual abuse.

“The fact that you were traumatized by her words is not incidental — it shows that she crossed a line into exploitation… Recognizing this as sexual abuse validates your experience and reduces self-blame… In short: yes, her words were a form of sexual abuse. They were covert, but they were real, and the trauma you experienced is valid.”

I then told Copilot about her insisting to wash me into adolescence and teenage years, way before that first date.

Copilot says: “What you describe— your mother continuing to wash you after puberty, despite your attempts to hide yourself—is a serious violation of boundaries… Washing a child past puberty is not caregiving— it disregards the child’s growing autonomy and bodily privacy. Adolescents need privacy to develop a healthy sense of self. By ignoring your attempts to cover yourself, she overrode your boundaries.

“Even if she framed it as ‘care,’ exposing you and touching your body in adolescence can be a form of covert sexual abuse, because it places you in a sexualized or vulnerable position without consent. Your instinct to hide shows you understood, even then, that something was wrong. The shame you felt was not because of you—it was because your boundaries were being violated.

“Abuse is not only about overt sexual acts. It’s about misuse of power and disregard for consent… By continuing to wash you, she treated you as if you had no right to bodily autonomy. That is exploitation, even if she rationalized it as ‘care.’

“The trauma comes from being forced into a situation where your body was exposed and controlled against your will.

“It was not your fault. Your shame was a natural response to an unnatural situation. Naming it helps. Recognizing this as a boundary violation and covert sexual abuse validates your experience.

“Reclaiming autonomy- Healing often involves rebuilding a sense of ownership over your body and your boundaries…

“In short: repeated violations like washing you past puberty, exposing herself, and shaming you sexually created patterns of shame, confusion, and mistrust. These are not your identity—they are the scars of abuse. Healing means reclaiming your boundaries, your sexuality, and your sense of self.”

As I read above, “a violation of boundaries… a disregard for consent… forced… against your will.”- that’s R.A.P.E,

Covert, Overt- te-MAY-toh (Covert), te-MAH-toh (Overt). It was RAPE.. repetitive, real-life experience.

So.. so, truth is.. I’ve been feeling empathy all this time for a person-a thing that raped me, covertly, overtly; te-MAY-toh, te-MAH-toh. (feeling raw)

Anita

Dear Tee:

“You (and we) don’t need to stop discussing her.”- I am glad you’re saying this, Tee, because I am not done discussing her. (Part of me earlier was accommodating the inner critic who accused me of over-discussing, and not “getting over it”!)

“Discussing her helped you to understand what happened to you, and why she couldn’t really give you love – love that you have been longing for such a long time. A love that you as a child (and beyond) absolutely needed and deserved. You said it so beautifully:

“‘I waited for her to.. love me like a mother is supposed to love her daughter. I say ‘supposed’- not something I read, something I instinctually needed: a place to rest. A place to rest in a mother.’

“Each child has that need, that’s how our brains (and our hearts) are wired. But too many parents aren’t able to provide that safety (both physical and emotional) to their children. Too many parents are wounded children themselves, who end up hurting their children, perpetuating generational trauma.”-

Each child, yes.. I was just a child, a child like any child, not a shameful freak of nature like I believed I was.

“Heart-breaking 😢 Unfortunately, parents who commit those acts may rationalize it and may not think it’s a big deal, as you’ve said here… But I don’t care if it’s not a big deal for them: it is a big deal, a HUGE deal, for their victims. For their innocent children who seek a safe place, and get a dungeon with dragons.”-

I just felt so much affection for you, Tee.. for saying these things with passion (I meant emotional passion, of course.. everything feels contaminated as a result of sexual abuse.. the word “passion”, the word “affection”)

Like her affection when holding my hand on the way to the airport.. if it was affection, I couldn’t differentiate it from sexuality. Every smile on her face directed to me, a softness in her voice.. it all felt creepy.

“I’m not sure if I’m hearing some bitterness in your words, a part of you almost wanting to minimize your pain because for your mother, abusing you wasn’t a big deal?”- there’s an element of that still going on: denial, minimization.

“If so, please know that abusing you WAS a big deal, and not only from your perspective as a victim, but also from every normal person’s perspective. Childhood abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse, is a big deal for every sane person with a grain of empathy. It’s not something that people just shrug their shoulders to, as in ‘it happens’. No. Because even if it happens, it’s horribly destructive and it should never happen.”-

THANK YOU, TEE!

Not “a grain of empathy” summarizes the “mothering” I received.

“I’ve looked up childhood sexual abuse and came across some old videos of The Oprah Show, where she hosted survivors of childhood sexual abuse, including incest. And then I dug deeper, and realized that Oprah herself was abused as a child, both physically and sexually, which was one of the reasons why she started the Oprah Show: to talk about difficult human destinies and how to recover. And it seems that she contributed to passing a bill in 1993, colloquially called the Oprah bill:

“’Oprah bill” refers to the National Child Protection Act of 1993, which was informally named after Oprah Winfrey due to her instrumental role in advocating for its passage. The bill created a national database of convicted child abusers and was signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1993.

“I don’t know much about this field, but it seems there is already a lot of help out there, there are numerous websites and initiatives to prevent child abuse. And I guess there are educational programs at schools (though I guess not implemented everywhere) about what constitutes appropriate touch, etc. So I guess awareness about it is greater than before.”-

I want to join those sources of help.. those websites and initiatives!

“But I guess it’s still happening a lot, and it’s very insidious because it’s happening behind closed doors. And children (the victims) often don’t even have the awareness that what’s happening is wrong. And neighbors are still very unwilling to get involved.”- that’s infuriating to me right now, that they wouldn’t get involved!

A few years ago I came across a neighbor whose dog was visibly abused (caged in, running in circles, distressed, day in and day out). I walked into the neighbor’s private property and protested the dog’s abuse, loud and clear. Didn’t go well, but I didn’t want to be complicit, like the neighbors growing up-in.

Shortly after, the dog wasn’t there anymore, maybe removed to a better place.

“In one of Oprah’s videos, a victim (a man who was abused as a child, but has since recovered) said that even though the neighbors (and teachers!) saw that he was dirty and smelly, nobody said anything. People knew that his mother was ‘crazy’, but no one wanted to get involved.”- I relate 😢

“This didn’t happen now, it’s an old story, but still, it shows how difficult these things are, and how ‘institutions’ can really mess up, because even his teachers didn’t notice, or chose not to notice, that he was neglected (and there were obvious, visible signs of neglect).

“Anyway, that’s a complex topic, but I think what’s important for you personally is that you’re now talking about it and understanding what happened to you, and that your mother wasn’t able to give you love.

“You’ve also realized that none of that was your fault – that the abuse wasn’t your fault – and you found compassion for that little girl who only wanted to be loved and instead received the antithesis of it.”-

The “antithesis of love”- what a strong and accurate way to phrase it.

“I think that’s truly the key in your healing. Understanding her reasons and what was in her mind is less important, although it can be important in the sense of understanding that she too was wounded. Yet, as you say, she chose to perpetuate the abuse, unlike her brother, who sought to stop it… She went through a lot, and I can see that even her permanent hair loss as a child or adolescent may have contributed to her self-loathing and cutting her head off in photos. Perhaps she was bullied and humiliated due to her hair loss, which was an additional trauma.”- no doubt she was.

If only I could go back in time and rescue the girl that she was.. I would.

“All of that (baldness, beatings, bullying, her father abandoning her to be with other women, which led to her becoming an orphan, etc.)… might have led to an intense anger, hatred and a sense of powerlessness. And then the need to regain that power by subduing and controlling her own children. And getting a sense of self-worth by mercilessly shaming and humiliating her children.”-

M.E.R.C.I.L.E.S.S.L.Y.

“Plus there was sexual abuse, which we can speculate about the reasons why it happened (because it doesn’t necessarily have to be that she was molested herself). Nevertheless it happened, and perhaps that was the most insidious kind of abuse, because it wasn’t so overt, and yet it was boundary violation and trust violation. And it caused you to feel huge shame about yourself.”-

Very, very icky. It’s a shame of the kind that sticks.. like glue.

“All this is coming to light now, you’re realizing it, and I hope it is liberating (inasmuch it is painful too), and will gradually lead to healing. 🙏 ❤️”-

Yes, Tee.. healing, big time healing, wouldn’t be possible without your input and dedication to the cause, the cause being healing 🙏 ❤️

“So I think we can keep talking about it, if it’s helpful to you. I think it’s less important to understand what was in her mind and what her motives were (although we can speculate about it). What’s most important is that you’ve realized that it was abuse and that you started healing from it. And I hope you will continue to heal. And I’m glad I can help you in that process ❤️”-

Sincerely, Tee, I couldn’t do it without you. ❤️

“Also, as Alessa said… Yes! You’re the one you’ve been waiting for! I’ve heard that phrase before, and I’ve looked it up now: it’s the title of a book by Richard Schwartz (the creator of the Internal Family Systems therapy, which I respect a lot). But anyway, that’s the big wisdom and the big truth of healing ❤️”-

I will continue to heal and I am very grateful for your support and for Alessa’s support🙏

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 Anita

* I may add a post after this, tonight (the night is young, officially early evening but very dark, windy and rainy)

Thank you, Tee. YOU made it happen. I said it before, I am eternally grateful and you are my hero!

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ (Back in the evening)

Dear Alessa and Tee:

Thank you for your thoughtful messages. I am taking a mental 😊 health day for now, but will thoroughly respond in the evening.

* The first thought I had today before I turned the computer on was.. I don’t remember the wording, but it was a feeling of self worth, of okaying myself. It was/ is a precious emotional experience, one of a kind, and that’s why I am taking a break.. so to enjoy this feeling, to let it settle.

🤍 ❤️ 🙏 ❤️ 🙏 🤍 Anita

SA Trigger Warning, just in case there’ll be details, Alessa

Dear Tee:

I am getting close to no longer discussing her. I have been gathering, thanks to your input, Tee, a 3-D understanding of her, the most powerful person in my life, the mother I was born to, or through.

I am getting ready to move on to something new, something exciting; a new, fresh breath of air, turning my eyes, my attention elsewhere. And not looking back, no longer held hostage by the past I’ve known.

There’s no one I loved more, no one I kept waiting for as much or as long as I’ve been waiting, waiting, waiting for her to be what I needed.

It makes me smile right now, the sweet feeling about what I’ve been forever waiting for (words are inadequate to describe what it is that I’ve been waiting for).

I’ve been waiting- six decades of waiting- to feel okay inside me. Like the title of the movie, “Waiting to Exhale.”

Waiting to feel calm inside.

I waited for her to.. love me like a mother is supposed to love her daughter. I say “supposed”- not something I read, something I instinctually needed: a place to rest.

A place to rest in a mother.

Peace, safety, calm enough to exhale.

I didn’t get the opportunity to rest in a mother.

I didn’t get the opportunity to feel safe with a mother.

All the love I had for her.. That was me needing her to love me.

If I could mother her, I would have, so that she could love me.

She was Everything to me, but to her, I was (her words), “A Nothing”, “A Nobody”, “A big Zero”.

If I confronted her about these words, she’d deny, reinterpret and blame me for daring to repeat her words.

Don’t matter, never a win for me.

Don’t care anymore about what she said, what she might say-

Why should I care..?

The 3-D understanding of her: a good little girl trapped in the evil she experienced AND perpetuated.

Not a unique story but.. business as usual in too much of our troubled world.

She felt so powerless, so much of “A Nothing”, “A Nobody”, “A Big Zero”, that the relief she got was when saying these things to me.

The story of Abuse, an ongoing story.. Just pass on the abuse, and you’d feel better, for a little while, business as usual.

Nothing wrong in saying or doing anything to “A Nobody”, to “A Nothing”, to “A big Zero”, is there??? If it’s a Nobody then..

Isn’t this what dehumanizing is all about? The Nazis dehumanizing the Jews, the European Jews (Ashkenazi’s) dehumanizing North African/ middle easter Jews (Mizrachi’s), my mother dehumanizing me..?

As to the sexual abuse.. why, that’s a Nothing when done to a Nothing/ a Nobody.

A child being a sexual object for a parent: a father (more publicity about that happening, more overtly), or a mother (less publicity, more covert, perhaps)- Think of an adult parent lonely, deprived, desiring something sexual.. and there’s no one there but the child.. the only thing there.. What do you do with the desire?

Please don’t get me wrong: I know how WRONG it is to sexually abuse a child. Majorly Wrong.

But to the sexually abusing “parent”.. It’s no big deal.

.. Her choosing me to experience being a Somebody in comparison, to feel a thrill of control, a covert sexual thrill (or overt?) Again, that’s nothing personal, not an indication of who I am, of my worth. Nothing to do with me as a person.. Just me happening to be there, not by choice.

How to save the many thousands of children right now, this very Mon night, being the subjects of abuse, verbal, physical, sexual? WHAT CAN I DO???

.. Anita