Hey Genie, hope you are feeling a bit less anxious now!

It is certainly a bewildering and extremely anxiety provoking time. Be kind to yourself – there is so much going on it’s natural to be struggling a bit.

I don’t know your ex’s motives obviously but given the unprecedented scale of things could it be that he is just genuinely checking in on you? As Shelby’s ex has, and mine. I would just thank him and wish him well but not engage further.

It’s easy to feel lonely when making connections with people is harder than usual, and given all that is happening it is unprecedentedly hard. Can you FaceTime some friends perhaps? It is natural to want to reach out to Jay given your strong feelings for him; I guess I’d just advise that you sit with your anxiety first and wait til it lessens a bit before doing so too much, else you may inadvertently undo your hard work and overanalyse and react, as our poor brains are so prone to doing.

I for one would be happy to connect off the forum if helpful – I guess by email in the first instance? As I’ve said before always happy to lend an ear especially in these troubling times!

Hope you are all taking care as much as possible. Thinking of you all!

Hello my friends!

Thank you for so much for being so kind. I have taken so much heart in your words and your perceptions of me. I know this is an internet forum but I genuinely enjoy the connections we have all made here and the support we give each other. I am glad my advice helps and hope you know that I feel the same about the advice you give me.

@shelbyville, have you made a decision about your job yet?? I hope therapy gave you the guidance you were looking for.

Reading about how your friend makes you feel made me smile, and also felt so familiar in terms of thinking you are not good enough. I am so happy you can be yourself around him wholly and unapologetically… you deserve that, we all do!

@genie – have you met with Jay yet? Hoping you are feeling okay these past few days!

I have had a very fulfilling week in terms of social connection. I have been at one gathering or another almost every day some unexpected. One such unexpected connection came after I went to a play at the last minute a couple of nights ago and had the loveliest interaction with the performer during the show; it’s hard to explain without having to go into the performance, but she came up to me afterwards and said that she could just feel that I am a good person with a genuine heart and that I would be up for interacting with her, and we had a long chat. It was just so nice and a good reminder both that I can be spontaneous and that people see me as worth connecting with.

I also had some very high praise at work from multiple people. It’s clear that a lot of people believe in and think highly of me, but my brain tends to go into self critic overdrive in these situations still. I can tell that the biggest thing holding me back is my own perceptions of myself, which I find very frustrating but also I guess is empowering because it is something I can change. I am just impatient as to the pace! Increasingly I am realising that chasing connections in the hope that they will give me validation, as I have throughout my life, is just a recipe for failure; if I can find that value in myself, then the connections will happen naturally. Sounds easy in theory!! Practice, not so much…

Thanks for your reassuring comments about my acquaintance. I feel more okay with where things are at and am just trying to “let it be”. If I think about my close relationships, all have peaks and lulls but the important thing is they have developed naturally, as this will or won’t. In hindsight I think much of the interactions I have had with this person has been “fawning” related. See: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/7-subtle-signs-your-trauma-response-is-people-pleasing for a useful article on this concept, if you’re interested. I’ve been learning more about it and it certainly helps to explain how I interact and react at times.

Hope you’re all coping okay during this Covid-19 panic. I have been worrying a bit about how my ex will cope.I know she’ll be anxious; her immune system is so bad that I think if she got it, it would be really serious. I perhaps unwisely sent her a message saying that I hope she’s doing okay, with all the hysteria around it, and to take care. While perhaps I shouldn’t have done that, I also recognise that it’s natural I care about her; I just musn’t let it become an excuse to keep in touch with her or to see her. I can imagine that if we were still together, and if I was in the same mental space as I was in the relationship, I would be extremely anxious about it, and feel very bad that I wasn’t able to protect her; this would be unhealthy and unhelpful for us both. Good to have this hindsight – need to use it as motivation to keep looking forward.

Thanks for letting me muse, as usual. Take care, all! xx

Hey @genie. Sorry you are feeling so lonely girl. Don’t feel stupid. Like you say, better said here than to him. I think your answer lies in the last post where you say that you can’t control everything and just have to be patient. I know that that’s hard to deal with when you are feeling particularly anxious; I find it almost impossible, but it’s true. I think you are doing very well by choosing to clarify your thoughts here before taking any action with him; that in itself is choosing not to give in to anxiety. Are you guys seeing each other in person at the moment? Maybe when you organise to meet up next time you can ask him if he’d be willing to chat about where you’re both at, that way he has a heads up that it’s coming. Make it clear that it doesn’t have to be a totally ‘reveal all’ discussion, that you just want to check in because you really like him. And also that if he needs more time that’s fine too, that you appreciate the patience he has shown you and you are willing to do the same. Only you know whether doing something like that would work as you know yourself, him, and your relationship better than I do… but it does seem to me that some kind of conversation needs to happen as anxiety inducing as that prospect is.

Thanks for your advice re this new person I am talking to. You are right, of course. Hookups and getting short buzzes from flirting is more damaging in the long run. I don’t want that really, I want intimacy and that’s different. We’ve kept chatting and have got into some deeper conversations as of late. I told her that I am trying really hard to be more vulnerable and authentic in the connections I form with people  even though that’s scary, and she responded well.  I don’t know if it will eventuate into anything but I do enjoy talking to her. It’s clear that she has her own anxieties and baggage as I do but she promised to always be honest about where she and her feelings are at. So we will see… personally I am proud of myself for putting myself out there again even though it may well lead to more hurt in the long run and acknowledging I still have work to do to find validation in myself rather than seeking it from others.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I would say that the “old Genie” is still there and still strong, she’s just had a knock and is hiding at the moment. She’ll be coaxed out with time, patience, and kindness. Always here if you need an ear!

Hey @Michelle, nice to hear from you! Your travels sound great as usual. Do you have a ‘home base’ as it were? Your lifestyle, always on the move sounds invigorating for sure.

Thanks for your thoughts on learning and action and your encouragement to keep going. I need it today. I think I have reached the stage where I miss the idea of a partner more than my ex specifically. This is positive in that I am less and less tempted to reach out but also very anxiety provoking in that I worry a lot about never being loved romantically. I just feel very unloveable some days. But I know that is ultimately coming from a place of seeking external validation and a lack of self esteem, so I need to keep reminding myself that the answer lies in building my self worth, while also pushing myself out my comfort zone. I also just started my period, so that could account for a lot of my feelings, to be honest!

I also still think about her a lot and it’s really annoying to me. The other night I dreamed about her and it was upsetting because I am sick of my brain fantasising. I just want to move on with my life but I guess that’s not how it works!

On top of the attachment style stuff, I have been reading a lot about codependency and it has been quite helpful. I definitely have many codependent traits – for example, a large amount of internalised shame, weak sense of self, and heavily relying on others as my main source of validation. The book “Codependency For Dummies” has been quite insightful if anyone else is interested. This unrelated but relevant quote I came across essentially sums up overcoming codependency:

“Finding yourself” is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. “Finding yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.”

On the one hand I feel like this unlearning is insurmountable, but on the other I am excited by the prospect. Like I have the power to ultimately change how I feel about myself, act, react and form relationships for the rest of my life – for the better.

Despite feeling unloveable and a bit down I have continued to connect with people in a more authentic way than I did before this “failed” relationship, and I’m proud of that. An example is reaching out to an ex colleague/friend who is having their own anxious/avoidant attachment issues and sharing a lot about my own experiences as of late, as well as coaching him. Our friendship has become closer as a result and I have been able to be very vulnerable with him quite comfortably and vice versa.He said I have really helped him find the courage to talk about these issues without feeling like a loser and motivated him to start making changes. He has also been good at reassuring me that he’s sure I’ll find love again.

I have also made an effort to get involved in a volunteer programme one evening a week and through that am getting to know some lovely people, and have gone to a couple of other gatherings which likewise I have very much enjoyed. Whereas when I was in a relationship my ex was totally the centre of my world and I didn’t put effort into much else. Basically, I do like the person I am becoming post this relationship. I just hope it leads to something relationship-wise eventually! Sometimes I really wish that it was easier for me to connect with people on a superficial level i.e be seen as desirable enough for random hookups… but then I ask myself, do I really want a quantity of hollow connections over quality ones? And the answer is probably not, but the physical intimacy would be nice in some ways.

@genie glad you are doing better! Great Jay has reached out and you are back on track. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and keep trying to do better.

Til next time… x

@genie Thanks, lovely! I am so glad that things are working out with your new boyfriend. He sounds like the security you need and you deserve it!

“Can you imagine what being with the right person will feel like if the wrong person made us think we found real love? It will be much more amazing. I want to be happy and only I can make myself happy so I have continued to push through.”

This is so true. I clearly have some more work to do before I get to that point but it will be worth it.

Your reflections on having an avoidant partner rang true too. I distinctly remember one time, being awake  crying while she slept next to me because she was so cold after being affectionate the last time she stayed over and thinking “a relationship shouldn’t feel like this”. Yet, instead of cutting my losses it only made me try harder, as us anxious types do! It makes me sad that I allowed a relationship to make me feel that way, but like you, determined to learn from it and try harder.

I found this article insightful and others may too:https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/  Especially this part:

“Moreover, anxious types tend to bond quickly and don’t take time to assess whether their partner can or wants to meet their needs. They tend to see things they share in common with each new, idealized partner and overlook potential problems. In trying to make the relationship work, they suppress their needs, sending the wrong signals to their partner in the long run. All of this behavior makes attaching to an avoider more probable. When he or she withdraws, their anxiety is aroused. Pursuers confuse their longing and anxiety for love rather than realizing it’s their partner’s unavailability that is the problem. It’s not themselves or anything they did or could do to change that. They hang in and try harder, instead of facing the truth and cutting their losses.”

I know that the solution lies in making myself more secure, and seeking secure relationships. Easier said than done but I want to really try. My next partner deserves a better version of myself. Pats on the back to all of us, for continuing to put in the work and strive for better even when sometimes it feels like nothing changes, and the path to happiness seems insurmountable. Being a human is hard, but we’re trying! Appreciate the encouragement and chance to get my thoughts down here as usual.

@Sarah Really empathise with you! Hope things have gotten a little easier day by day. I found it encouraging that you talk about the fact you got over your first heartbreak, even though you’re back there again. You’ll get over this one too – you’ve done it before! The thread is so helpful eh? I find myself coming back to it on bad days.

Hope you are all doing okay. I’m thinking  about Valentines Day… it’s silly that a random made-up day can affect one’s emotions eh. But trying to be kind to myself and acknowledge that it is expected that I feel a bit sad about it.

I came across a quote that others may relate to, too:“You can be the whole package and still end up at the wrong address. When this happens, the receiver will mishandle you because 1, they don’t know what to do with you and 2, they weren’t meant to have you in the first place.”

Here’s to us all finding the right address!

Apart from the Valentines Day sadness I generally feel I am continuing to make progress. I ended up exchanging a few messages with my ex post birthday after she initiated conversation but I definitely didn’t feel as compelled to engage or suggest that we meet up. Putting myself out there again feels incredibly daunting still though, so I think I will just continue to focus on friends for now.

Take care all. Xo

@genie

Thanks for your gentle, on point advice! I am in a much calmer state of mind tonight and I earlier was basically telling myself the same things you wrote. Letting my birthday – the one day of the year that we can be as self indulgent as we like – be defined by whether or not I get a message from her is ridiculous.

I have been reflecting on how many risks I have taken since my last birthday. I took big risks with both my living situation and my job and they have worked out beyond my wildest dreams. Last birthday I could have never imagined those aspects of my life being so good. Last birthday I couldn’t imagine falling in love. But they are, and I did. All of these things were wildly unexpected, and while the love one hasn’t worked out, I am so glad I took that risk. In this moment it feels like a gift – because I have been given an insight into what love is like, but also been given an opportunity to use it to find something better. I laugh at myself in these moments, because I sound like a different person when I am anxious and when I’m not, and I feel like one too  – shows the power of the anxious mind! I know the the anxiety and sadness will return and I will doubt ever believing this. But here I am writing it down and positing it, so it must be. 🙂

Here’s to birthday celebrations and appreciating the good people and things in my life. There are so many! Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I really appreciate you. X

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Adelaide1.

@genie – thanks for your kind words and acknowledgement that just because my relationship was short doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful. Tbh I feel like I am fumbling along but I really appreciate your pep talks!

@Shelby – the rose coloured glasses are really something huh. But it’s good you’re open to being reminded of the uglier bits. I’m sorry to hear about your work stress and the anxiety of losing the key! Such a thing would make me super anxious too. I hope you are able to get some relaxation in this weekend?? The fact you still look for gratitude despite feeling like absolute sh*t at times says a lot about your strength of character. I salute you! One thing I am grateful for for sure is you starting this thread! Thinking of you and hoping you are able to get in some self care this weekend x

And as for I don’t want to jinx it but I really feel like this week has been a turning point in a positive way for me, despite being stressful.

Couple of ‘aha’ moments – got a call that my dad was in hospital with potential heart issues (luckily it was just a scare and he’s recovering at home now), and instinctively wanted to reach out to my ex for comfort. But it felt more… intellectual… this time. Like, while the idea still appealed, the reality has sunk in that I knew it would make me feel worse and that I could seek support elsewhere. So I avoided that entirely and talked to my housemates instead which was lovely. Not having such a gripping need for contact and support from her feels empowering..

Other one is, I have been trying extra hard to reach out to people in the spirit of remaining open to connection, instead of using it as an excuse to close myself off which is very very tempting – as a protective approach.

So… My brother, who lives overseas, and I live very seperate lives. I hadn’t talked to him in a very long time, but he messaged me about our dad. Usually the conversation would have been short and mechanical but this time I made the effort to ask him how his counselling is going (he told my parents over Christmas he was seeking it for anxiety). I explained I am struggling with it too. We ended up having a conversation about how it affects both of us, and I also told him about my break up, and came out to him in the process because I used the word ‘she’! Conversation ended with an agreement we are always here for one another despite not keeping in touch much and we should talk more. Deepest conversation we have had in years…

Second… On Monday I reached out to an acquaintance after she peer reviewed some work of mine – we don’t work for the same organisation but in the same field and she has just started a new job in an organisation I used to work for. Prior to being proactive about this post breakup my social anxiety would have stopped me from doing such a thing. We met up today and really, we hit it off so well that at the end I told her I feel like I’d known her for years – after 45 mins. We both shared mutual experiences I would usually take months to tell people about. It was really surreal, the instant connection and bond, Not in like a romantic way – I don’t even know if she is into women – just in a deeply human way. But also it’s the first time I have felt such an instant connection since meeting my ex it is nice to prove to myself that such a thing is possible!

I was reflecting afterwards about how when my ex told me that she was ultimately content with being solitary and didn’t generally see the need to seek connection from others (e.g she said to me a couple of times that she would be quite happy to live by herself in a remote place) I felt jealous for awhile. I have always been one to want to be around and get to know people deeply, and often wish I was more content on being alone because opening yourself up can lead to such pain, as it has with her. But this week has confirmed to me that I would rather seek connection and risk being hurt than not reach out at all. And I’m proud of myself for using this as an experience to be vulnerable, really. I am trying not to daydream about this potential new friendship too much but I do hope we meet again soon!

Anyway, have rambled enough. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my sad times this week. But I think for the first time in more than a year I can see a way out of this deep depressive hole I’ve been in, and see myself being able to move on from my ex. So celebrations definitely in order! If you got this far, thanks for reading. Happy weekend. Xxx

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Adelaide1.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Adelaide1.