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I am a relationship cheater. I cheated on my wife and I am sorry for the pain I caused her. She forgave me and we are still together after 34 years. I am a plain, plug ugly man- she is beautiful, gorgeous and looks not a day older than when I first met her. Looks, attractiveness- all the things that you say you now feel had nothing to do with my cheating. I was tempted and I fell. A pathetic, susceptible male. Anyway to try and make sense of the situation I looked up a web site on cheating and adultery in marriage and the causes and issues involved. I cannot give you the link becasue I have lost it but Google ‘Emotional Needs’ and you will find a lot of useful stuff that will help. Basically this therapist/ counsellor etc’s theory was that, having polled hundreds of people, we hall have essentially the same basic emotional needs. For attractiveness, sex, financial support, respect etc etc. If these basic emotional needs are not met there is tension in the relationship and we seek out those needs, or at least are receptive to getting those needs, elsewhere. In my case it was a couple of things that included sex. For us sex was not a participative sport, it was something to be got over and done with with the minimum of involvement and contribution. There were other issues to but that was the main one. Now I am not trying to excuse my behaviour but my point is that it has nothing to do with you, as a person, your looks, intelligence etc etc but everything to do with how you and your husband related to each other. This guru also looked at the process of falling in love and come up with the love bank concept. If, through small random acts of consideration respect and kindness we build our love bank up to a certain balance with another human being then at that point we fall in love. We fall out of love when the balance drops below this critical point and this happens when the things we do rather than making deposits in the love bank make withdrawals instead. Cheating is one helluva withdrawal.
Anyway just check out the web site- I have found the link for you now (marriagebuilders.com)- take a look and I hope some of it will help you cope with this difficult time and help make sense of it all.
Wishing you the very best
AdeSeptember 19, 2013 at 1:43 am in reply to: Controlling an unhealthy obsession and dependence on someone #42441
Wow. I have read through this thread very carefully and feel very concerned for you as you are in a very vulnerable state. What you are experiencing, in my humble opinion, is the pain of unrequited love. Well actually not even that because you haven’t put it to the test- you haven’t been rejected…. yet you are just scared that you might be… and you might be rejected if you were to speak out.
I have a very nice lady friend, actually a friend to both my wife and me, who constantly talks about her relationships- I mean constantly, to the point of distraction. It drives me mad and I tell her so. She parades her new boyfriends and asks me what I think about her new suitors- when I have only said hello to them for 5 minutes. Then after the intital thrill wears off for both of them she relates every minute thing he does wrong in her eyes getting me to side with her opinion. She obsesses about them after just the first few dates and to me she probably puts the fear of God into them. When they don’t measure up to the super high pedestal she has put them on the whole thing collapses and the late night phone calls to us, bemoaning her fate, increase and we take active steps to avoid her company- as we know what it is going to be … me, me, me…… etc etc and then as an afterthought, oh, how are you before it’s back to me, me, me
My advice to her is simple: Since we have no right to change anybody or expect them to be what we want them to be we have only two choices; lump it or leave it. Put up with what the situation is or walk away. My advice to you is the same though that is a little more awkward in that you are living together as flat sharers and putting your cards on the table will create a difficult situation if he rejects your advances. Even if he accepts your advances it may not alter the inevitable separation when your studies end. Just loving someone is not a lifelong commitment until vows have been made. Just remember always that there is life after this period for you and for him just as there was life before you met. Take it easy and just enjoy his company for now.
On this thing about acting ‘kiddy’- what the hell is that? What is acting ‘kiddy’ all about. Baby talk? Affected false accents- I really have no idea what you mean. Some guys might actually find that a turn on and some actresses and celebrity females seem to adopt a similar style to differentiate themselves and gain popularity. But my advice on that one is simple- just stop it and grow up. Or go on the stage and make a mint.
Be happy- you sound like a lovely person. Love yourself
I am not sure I can add anything more or help with better advice than you have already been given but you do sound like a very beautiful and level headed person. Imagine, for a moment, that someone in your workplace or in your circle of friends has the ‘hots’ for you- but, for whatever reason, you are not interested in anything beyond a friendship. How would that feel? How would that play out?
Well my guess is you would not want to hurt that person, you might indeed be flattered by their attention and in that way invest the time to find out that actually you quite like that person, enjoy their company, and all that goes with it. But the basic rules of chemistry still apply. This person is not your ‘ideal’- does not strike you as ‘the one’. Thsi state of affairs goes on for years and suddenly you find yourself in a tight spot. You might love this person as a friend, brother, sister, whatever but you do not want to be romantically involved- Actually you want to be romantically involved with someone else who has crossed your path. You would look to do exactly what your ‘friend’ has done. In other words what I am saying is sometimes it is good to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
What you need to do is (at least this is what I would do) create distance- a healthy distance and space between you that you fill with others and then let time do its magic. This guy may indeed come back to you but my guess is it will be at a time (if at all) when you have put him in his proper pigeon hole- the life long friend. Recognise, as I do in your words, the process of grieving you are going through for this long time friend, and know that the phase of Bargaining and Despondency and Anger will mellow into Acceptance with time. You will then stop hurting and be back in control. And Happier too.
I wish you love and happiness
Hello Melissa and others on this thread. This is quite scary for me because I have been reading snippets from Tiny Buddha from time to time looking for answers to a question/ situation I do not even know how to begin to describe and here there are two people who a) empathise with each other and b) describe my situation perfectly.
I am married to a wonderful human being these last 30 plus years who is trust, honesty, friend, and beauty personified, who is mother to two beautiful people we created and nurtured together and whom I know I love deeply yet for a long time I thought that what we had was not enough. She did not give me the essential needs my fragile persona needed. She never told me she loved me, she never seemed to enjoy the physical side of our relationship, she was not ambitious or driven in any way, shape or form just going along with what I wanted or the directions my career took us in etc, etc. Such absence of emotion reinforced all my self doubts and I looked around elsewhere constantly for approval. Mostly I didn’t get it from elsewhere either. A bit of approval perhaps through work successes, the occasional smile and friendly gesture from others. It was never enough. These seeds of dissatisfaction crystallised a whole structure of self loathing/ self pity/ justification for wrong thoughts and deeds and unhappiness around me. I started looking elsewhere and I finally ended up falling for someone else who entered into my life.
That took me to a whole new ball game when it came to despair, dissatisfaction and despondency because it was based on- well not very much really as I later discovered. I was being toyed around with. I knew that but it didn’t stop me being so desperate that I lost the will to live almost. I fell in to a well of depression as my soul withered and died. I lost interest in my work, my career, my friends, my hobbies and interests- everything was debased and meaningless. I did not recognise in myself the symptoms of depressions, nor the process of grieving I was going through. God knows, it was awful.
I started coming out of it a bit through a process of self analysis. I started to read around for advice as you have done; to meditate a bit; to count my blessings and in that process I found a few blessings, tucked away here and there I had forgotten about. That I guess is the only advice I can really offer- not being trained in this sort of thing. Just think about your blessings and try and be happy. I am trying and I have a few questions which I will post to ask for help but I wish you well. You sound like a wonderful human being despite your own doubts
Hello I am really sorry to read about your pain. Most of us who have experienced the mind numbing hurt of unrequited love will understand your plight and know how terribly you are suffering at the moment. I agree with all the advice you have been given by the other contributors- the only thing that I can offer is that this pain will pass. Slowly, perhaps too slowly, but it will go even though it may persist for 1, 2 or even more years. Slowly you will forget the selfishness of this other who you once considered a friend. He has been no friend to you in truth and you will come to understand that. Please stop beating yourself up and recognise that the process of grieving- for that is what you are doing- is well documented and ends with the final act of acceptance so that you can move on with your life. This man has made a big hole in your heart but, you know, the heart is a wonderful thing. It has powers of regeneration and healing and you will be alright in the end. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.
AdeApril 23, 2013 at 1:29 am in reply to: When your head and heart take absence after heartbreak #34330
You know, guys- every time I see one of these cries for help I peruse the responses and, almost without fail, every reply acknowledges the blogger’s problem then goes on to talk about the respondents situation, their similar problem, their woes and their issues. I have a friend, an extremely eligible and attractive single lady, who turns every conversation and every situation around to her failed relationships and how the other parties let her down. It’s all about me, me, me and it’s the same here. Let go! My advice in all these situations is ” ” lump it or leave it. No one can change others to fit the mould they want them to be but taking that stark choice takes courage. If you choose “lump it”- then don’t lump it and suffer. Review your needs and wants and accept the other person completely not begrudgingly, criticising at every opportunity their past or present failings. If it’s the ‘leave it’ option then recognise there will be a grieving process to go through. It’s a well documented series of steps through denial, and anger before finally reaching acceptance. This person has been unfaithful and disloyal. Well he /she is only human and we all have our failings. If love is still there work on that but the lump it or leave it option is still the same. And their failings should not be transferred on to you. It was their failings not yours and there is no need to loose esteem or self worth. Oh well- what do I know. I wish you every success and happiness.