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Adrian Gallardo

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33 total)
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  • #144061
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    Thanks, but to explain it more, I am not consciously controlling my breathing, just thinking about if I am, and the instances that I do, like when I wake up, just taking more of an exhale, but I see more that lies and made up ideas that I have established to bring further away from the truth, the truth is, yes, I breathe different breathes from time to time because I choose to, like in some mornings, or out of being nervous, or to calm myself. I would beat around the bush to try and make it seem like it is just my body, but that is the highlight of me being afraid of being control, and telling myself I shouldn’t be in control of it, that it’s bad, but really it’s as normal as NOT controlling my breathing. I would  try and convince myself that it isn’t “me” because I didn’t think about it or I didn’t intend etc etc, but regardless I feel it is me, the awareness and driver, how and why is another story, but the fact of the matter is I am controlling in those instances, and that’s ok.

    Thanks again, I still plan on seeing a specialist, just to find closure, this isn’t something small, it’s bigger than me and I have to take it seriously. If theres one thing I learned, that alike your body, your mind can be injured, and both alike, must be mended, ego may prevent the healing, and by moving forward, your pride may be crushed, but these are feelings, and nothing lasts forever, and things can definitely get better, you just have to be willing to understand that there’s something to fix.

    #144017
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    Thank you.

    I was riding the bus today, and I was thinking to myself, what is it. Then it became apparent, as I looked to the past, how this wouldn’t have mattered back then, I realize that it wasn’t just that it didn’t matter, also that I was comfortable with either, because either will happen. I’ve been persistent on trying to understand everything I do out of control, to not be confused or uncertain on what is “me.” Well, me is not just this awareness, as each one of us are molded into our own suits of armor, infinite and unique minds, we are also these things, because they are a direct reflection and part of who we are. I realized back then, months ago, I said something about control  , us not being dominant over the things that make us who we are, and that was a lie. Although control IS dominance, we must exert it over our entity, or else, just like a car, there is no body in the passenger seat pressing the gas, turning the wheel, switching gears, we’d just sit in place, on the side of the road when we must be driving ON the road. We are in control, and I’ve lost it these past months, letting thoughts and emotions reign over who I am. But once I understand one thing, it becomes clear. No matter how you breathe, hoe you blink, how your heart beats, you are just breathing, blinking, alive. Surely I can differentiate between the two, but trying to do so frantically is separating the entity I am, when really it is all the same. At the end of the day, I won’t know every time, and even if I did, what would that change, what would that serve? Just to feed my ego, and I won’t allow it to dictate what I pursue. If I know I have control, and not everything takes my control, than what is there to know?

    Exactly, whether I breathe and it’s a forced exhale, or I notice my lungs, rising and falling, it’s all the same, there is not one to the other that means more, the purpose is equal.

    Just breathe.

     

    I hope this makes sense to you, because the first time in a long time, I feel more certain about myself again. Thanks again 🙂

    #143955
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    In all honesty, it’s been more out of a uncertainty rather than fear. Just like with my blinking, I realized fear and anxiety conditioned me to believe I was controlling it without intention and replacing awareness with control, when really I was just being aware, something meditating has taught me. Maybe since it happened often, the question and thought carried over, which makes sense to me and makes me even more re assured that it’s even more closer to be solved, since it doesn’t really have substance to be held onto. I mean, it just happens, and observing my breathes, “controlling” some of it, doesn’t seem odd, it seems normal. Adjusting my breathing or my breathing being adjusted by my body or mind. You referred to consciousness, isn’t that separate from mind? Doesn’t mean our mind do these things, and aren’t we this consciousness that fills our body, our mind, our physical presence? Without the things that tie us to this world, our conscious won’t mean anything, so I disagree that your conscious does this, unless you meant your mind.

    A thing I noticed was once I was aware, I would associate a change to conscious control, direct causation to me. Maybe a specialist would help, I just feel like, no, maybe that’s just my ego talking, maybe this need for an answer on my own is just a desire to solve my own problems, as if that will set things right, which is absolutely false.

    One false thing  I tried to believe was that intention means prior thinking, but life happens faster than a thought, and the control we all have is exercised faster than thought, life moves faster than a thought.

    At this point, I am becoming indifferent to the thought, at least I’m breathing, either can happen, even if I don’t know every time which it is, doesn’t mean either isn’t exercised daily, I may be in control, but not of everything, so that leaves space for anything else that is apart of me. I just don’t want to feed lies to myself that I did this or that when it was my mind or body acting on its own, and I guess that’s where the root of it’s at, being sure of myself.

    #143825
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    that’s the thing, I am just being conscious of my breathing or am I controlling. What I think is I never questioned this before, I didn’t care for it, even if it was OCD, why don’t I feel afraid? Trying to find an answer shows a sign of fear but it’s because this, how can’t I tell? Shouldn’t I be able to tell? I try and think about it and more and more I understand that although these are normal things our body does, why does the thought even occur? 

     

    I try try and convince myself, which I have done a good job at doing, that it doesn’t really matter, and I am just aware, and even if it feels like a I am controlling it, I doesn’t mean just my consciousness, knowing I am not my mind or body assures me that both can act on its own as well. Maybe I have just become afraid of being in control of myself, my body, my mind, etc. After everything and seeing how bad things can turn made me fearful at even the thought of control over my actions, and the doubt of not knowing if I even am controlling myself makes me uncertain of myself even more. What are your thoughts, I know peace lies within you, and going to a therapist might not even help, but I know if we spoke to one another as people, human beings, that can be all the help I need. I don’t ask myself that too much, but if just feels like something that can cleared up, with truth. You told me to move forward I must unlearn whatever lies are filling me. And Ive done a good job at being introspective and asking myself what needs to be solved, facing thoughts, emotions, and not allowing them to rule me, even if they affect me. So please, I know things are close to being back to the way they once were, calm and in peace. So please, all I ask for is what I’ve gaven others in their time of need, help.

    #143671
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    Things have improved fundamentally, I no longer feel Anxiety, I am able to set out and do the things I have to do to move forward in life, but there are loose ends.

    I would think about control daily, this ties back to the question of me blinking on my own when I really wasn’t, causing my eye issues when I wasn’t causing anything. And the same goes when I feel myself breathing, I would ponder if I am controlling my breathes without intention. So the big question is, how do I tell?

     

    I don’t feel fear or anxiety because I know whether or not I am still breathing, still alive, and even if I am or am not, it is not a bad thing, but I feel even thought I don’t feel fear, I am keeping myself away from answer out of fear, not intentionally, I just wish I could face whatever so need to and move on, I just don’t know what “it” is 🙁

    #126556
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    – Environmental
    – Genetic
    – Behavioral

    – This began during the summer, I was pushing myself to the limits, and facing issues with family. Both did not mix and well and took a toll on my health, both mental and physical. Whether it began mentally or physically is something I don’t remember, but I remember the first thing I remember clearly facing was doubt, this is where I felt the overwhelming doubt. I battled these thoughts, until I reached the brink of this earth, is rationality even real? Is right wrong? This continued until I stopped battling these thoughts, but the feeling lasted, my mind went haywire, my thoughts were racing, and I did not know what was happening to me, is it me? As this continued, it bled into the physical, feeling like I had no control and fearing the things that SEEMED like I had no control over added onto that anxiety, and mistakingly, I tried to hard to use my mind to unravel things, but as things got better, as I researched these symptoms, feelings, thoughts, etc. I realized that if mere thoughts or using the power of my mind would not solve things, than it is not something with me, not in my morals, principles, ideas, beliefs, etc. I let these thoughts come and go, wrote them down, and allowed myself to topple down, rather than uphold a broken building. I blamed myself, but as I heard before and more likely believe now, it is not my fault, just the very thing that it was Anxiety that increased and prolonged within me shows that it has a message behind it. My family planted a seed of doubt within me, with their accusations of character, disbelief, etc. Surely enough, it blossomed inside me, manifesting itself in my mind as them in my most anxious times, and living on inside me through my own voice, believing and listening. But one day I heard myself calmly say, it is me.
    – None of this is my fault it is what was brought onto me, after years and years of environmental stress, behavioral habits, and genetically inclined to fall trap to something like Anxiety or Depression, I was being set up for failure. None of this is my fault, but as I step away from common and general knowledge, regardless if it makes me in some way, I know staying mentally shackled will be my fault, if I don’t get up and do something nothing will change.

    – This all happened before, the answer is the same, but the search to find it was completely different. Whatever path you take, there is always going to be failures and successes, the possibilities are endless, and it’s always possible to doubt everything, counter everything, it doesn’t make it any more than a possibility, more so pointless. It’s not about living without, it’s about rising above.

    #125365
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    I don’t think as much as I did, I dont need to, I faced through the thoughts the made me feel that way, without fighting them, and sure enough they stopped coming, they had no power. Being present and living in the heart and rather than the mind is exactly where I was before all this begun. Medication may work but it will never unravel the issue if it affects the way I think, what I think about, etc. Anxiety doesn’t feel present anymore, but I still returned to the thoughts I had prior to unravel the truth, and it all makes sense again. It was intense, Id be dreadful to even think what I just typed months ago, but I feel fine. The truth sets you free, once you’re in a state of mind able to separate truth from lies, regaining what was lost.
    My mistake was feeling like overcoming the darkness meant it is non existent any longer, but really, your light shines bright enough to make the darkness obsolete, irrelevant. I learned that the darkness never leaves, and it hurt me to be back where I worked hard to leave and put behind me. The darkness never leaves, your demons can be beaten, others still lurk, admitting fear, accepting fear, failure and losses, is what makes us human, connects us to this world, connects us to one another, builds the bridge between you and everything else this infinite world has to offer.
    “This life will drive you crazy.”
    Only if you allow it, that’s only if youre a coward and you’re sure to get devoured.

    #125346
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    I felt wise, I feel broken, I have transformed to the worst me.
    It all started when I thought to myself how these thoughts can’t be mine, but was to fearful to even consider that it is not me, because that lead to more anxiety. “Am I a Schizophrenic, Do I have a Personality disorder?” Reliance on Logic and Emotions become non existent, not knowing what to think when rationality settles in but Anxiety dumps more and more thoughts, until it arrives to the point an entirely new perspective is born. Maybe what I have to unlearn that this is me, when this is nothing like me, because if it was, it wouldn’t be new.
    It isn’t new, being put down and unsupported throughout life living in the environment I did coinciding with low self esteem and lack of confidence made me self deprecative as an adolescent. It isn’t new becoming the worst me, being spoon fed lies and fear until it manifests itself in my very own live.
    I disagree with needing to unlearn first, because it all begins with learning more internally or externally. Maintaining physical health helps diminish the emotional blockade, learning and knowledge re establishes the logical connection with reality.

    #125257
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    I remember what you told me, how you saw the mans saying about thinking, about control. How it’s not you when Anxiety, Depression affect you, yet it’s still apart of you. I remembered this reading an intro to a book written by Eckhart Tolle. I understood what he meant, how externally you can be affected, changed into this person you’re not, manipulated into believing what is false, causing havoc internally when really, your sense or right and wrong, real and fake, dreams and nightmares, are not what changed, what you perceive as such is what changes. and it isn’t your fault, to live a lie unintentionally.
    It doesn’t change you.
    Here’s the two things I read that really affected me, and I do feel relieved, closer to feeling free, once again.

    Follow the Intelligent Path from Anxiety to Peace

    https://genius.com/Eckhart-tolle-introduction-lyrics

    #125217
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    What I have come to find out is this.
    Overtraining caused an increase in anxiety, after reading Anita’s post about there being a message, sure enough I felt anxious thinking that, so I knew something was unsettled inside me. I am afraid of being wrong as a good person, and the wrong people being right, this goes back to battling my thoughts. It was always me defending myself, but my family’s words would haunt me, leaving me to feel devastated, I understand the increased anxiety tricked me to believing that I was wrong, and that there shouldn’t be any room for doubt. Anxiety made me react differently, when thoughts like that would arise I would quickly shut them down due to their falsehood, and carry on. Anxiety has a way to make you turn inward, and claw away at your very being until there is nothing left, when in reality, it was mothing inward that is the answer. I believe anxiety is what makes a mountain out of a molehill, these fears are irrational, but anxiety keeps you mentally imprisoned, catastrophizing small situations, destroying who you are until you become someone else.

    I know this because I sat down and asked what scared me. Blinking? No, what scares me is that I’m blinking uncontrollably without conscious effort, and what’s even scarier is that I know these things are effortless, tapping into your bodies abilities without thought or fear. But the truth is, my eyes are excessively blinking due to a need for glasses, due to eye strain, astigmatism, etc. I remember trying to interfere out of fear, that I’m doing it, because anxiety makes it internal. But there’s one thing to always remember, if it’s internal, you have to the power to change it. If there’s a great lesson I learned was we are not in control, we are a unity, each individual person, mind, body, and soul. I pray for the day everyone in this world will unify, but with the control I do have, I won’t stop trying to make a difference, to make dreams come true and follow my intuition.

    #125026
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    I think my fear revolved around me being afraid of being wrong, and that one thing would mean another, something worse, and would cause a catalysymic fall. If you’d like I have many notes that I wrote daily when anxiety was destroying my sanity. I felt those things so I resorted to reading more and more about it, it felt as though I went through OCD, GAD, Social and Health anxiety. I came to grips with how I felt and told myself so what, I notice my blinks but that doesn’t mean I’m controlling them. I would fear that I was controlling these normal body functions, and it scared me to think that something conscious as me exterting control was something I was doing consciously, or confusing discomfort, etc. I’ve done a lot to relieve the feelings and thoughts, mainly through acceptance, but I feel I’m at the point where I can rid it entirely.
    Maybe the fear had a message behind it, but it was not what anxiety led me to think or believe.

    #125022
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    It’s ok, sometimes I don’t understand too. But what I still understand is that it’s all been a big trick, I used to think I had anxiety, but really my environment made me anxious more often, fearing things will turn out violent and I would have to step in. I blame myself for putting myself in this position, but I don’t blame myself for how I approached things, inward and felt like things were greater than or rather than anxiety. These past months I felt how anxiety really feels, and the only thing I have left to say is this. There is never going to be a magic bullet, furthermore, I must not search for one. I must get through my issues head on and be able to understand how, nor by luck or chance, through my own analytical thinking and will.
    “But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.”
    Thanks for the help Anita.

    #124238
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    I was showering and I was thinking about these past months, getting my ducks in a row. Anxiety originated from my family, manifested itself through physical, mental, and emotional suffering. It spun out of control when I decided to ride my bike 4 miles to and from the gym daily, eat less because I didn’t want to ask for what I needed, and rest less when I decided to stay up late playing online with friends. It spun out of control when I decided to strain my body out of overconfidence, fueled by motivation, maintained through anger and willpower.
    I wondered what I did back then, not scrambling to find out of irrational catastrophe or to look deeper than I need to, I wondered what I did and I remembered. It wasn’t what I told myself, it was what I did because of what I was told, what I heard, through sounds and vibrations, through words, through art. I realized how things weren’t looking good for me, and I decided to change myself rather than what’s around me. I decided that my main drive wasn’t to lose weight or graduate, it was to follow a path to change my life.
    My journey was the destination.

    #124151
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    In a black and white world, each one of us is gray. In a web of mishaps, how can you untangle it without your conscious abilities, without the perspective that suits you? How can you fro anything when you feel lost, wrong, worried, and afraid? That is what scared me, sure Anxiety manifestated itself in ways I couldn’t not comprehend, we fear what we don’t understand, what we don’t know, and just imagine turning from a strong understanding of your entity and life to doubting your entirety has a human being and questioning every aspects of life?
    Death is inevetiable, so is life, I’m not afraid of dying, as I understand it’s apart of life. What I meant when I said fearing losing everything is this, when you build a tower, it doesn’t crumble and fall quickly, it takes time for it to tumble. So when I underwent what I did I didn’t know what to believe, because so didn’t know what to think, because I lost faith in myself as I battled thoughts, and I believed those thoughts meant something in my morals, actions, beliefs, were wrong, I slowly sunk back to that sad little kid I once was.
    Death is invetiable, but your fall and how you fall is not, so it’s either you or something else, your fall is not invetiable because you’re fate is in your hands. We all make mistakes, but when you don’t know what you did wrong, masked behind something so destructive as anxiety, how can you rise?
    Everything can be solved, I just made the mistake of letting my ego get in the way, not in a hot headed way, I was just too proud of myself, which blinded me to the things I see now.

    #124084
    Adrian Gallardo
    Participant

    Anxiety
    How badly could have it affected it me, was it my reaction to it that made it feel worse, or was it so bad my thoughts, my perception, my confidence, my entity was falling apart. The thoughts kept recurring and I fought them back, I confused them for something infernal, I searched inside myself to find what was wrong, and kept searching, for nothing I believed inside my character, my entity, me. Anxiety is not apart of me, it doesn’t make me who I am, it affects me but it isn’t who I am as an individual. It wasn’t a matter of just thinking, or re thinking something, or me doubting myself out of rationality, it was out of anxiety. Something I made worse out of overtraining. I guess I had too much drive, I didn’t pay mind to what was happening, to who I really am, not what I can do pushed to my limits every week. I don’t blame myself, I guess it always has been me, even when it wasn’t, I got used to hearing that. I’m afraid. Ill always get afraid, fearing nothing is admitting you fear something. My fear is not to lose control, I never had it, not over my body, my mind, or my soul, they still make me who I am, but they are things that make me, me. Allowing me to tap into their abilities, yet I’m still in control of what I can manipulate, so in the end I am in control, but not enough to say I’m in control of everything, because everything is everything, I can handle being in control of what was never mine to control. Control is giving permission, and my mind, my body, my soul, are free. My fear is not control, my fear is to lose everything I’ve worked for in a blink of an eye, to something that I don’t even know, or understand, at least know.

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