December 17, 2016 at 3:47 pm #122945
Yelling, being on my toes, being talked down, judged, unsupported, being set up to fail. The fights weren't the only thing but what are more prominent on my mind, they seem to be where I felt the most anxious and reflect in moments laying down and waking up to other noises and feeling anxious, as if something were to happen. It may be imaginary but I know it is a scar from what happened in the past, everything seems to be deeply raveled around hatred and anger. The cycle of hate and anger, of mental and emotional pain, depression and anxiety, weight and appearance, abuse of power, the cycle that continues every day, every week, every month, every year.December 17, 2016 at 3:57 pm #122946
This cycle stop affecting me once I decided I don't want to stay the same, once I realized what I really wanted was change, for myself, for my family, for everything around me. I stopped thinking and started acting, I set out to do things that made me happy, with confidence in myself and what I CAN become, not what I COULD become. I changed the way I saw things, I took control of my life by standing alongside my mind, my body, my soul. The cycle stopped affecting me once I saw it as a straight line that I can direct, because our lives aren't cycles, and they never will be.December 17, 2016 at 7:41 pm #122953
Dear Adrian Gallardo:
When a child hears yelling at home, it is very scary. People yell when they are angry, when they feel like hurting someone. This is what Anger is about: it is a motivation, a desire to hurt someone. So, no wonder you felt scared, anxious once there was yelling and shows of anger at home. The child that you were was ” laying down and waking up to other noises and feeling anxious, as if something were to happen.”
When my mother screamed and yelled at me/ anyone, I felt very scared. Not only when she yelled, but after she yelled. I too lay in bed, at night, afraid. I too was afraid something bad was going to happen.
When we are scared as children, day after day, for too long, too often, it is not possible to snap out of it, as children or as adults. It is not possible to say to oneself: I don't have to be afraid anymore. And then, not be afraid. It takes more than a decision (although a decision, an intent is a good beginning). It takes a process of healing.
I needed help in that process of healing and received it for the first time in my first competent psychotherapy in 2011. I have been engaged in that process ever since. And still I am anxious, still. But I am also healing. This process takes a lot of time and patience.
Hope to read more of your thoughts and feelings, any time you feel like posting. Please do.
anitaDecember 21, 2016 at 11:28 am #123218
I'll definitely keep posting, what you said was very valuable, to remember that it was inflicted on you. Remembering how my childhood I see how that still affects me again even though I came out on top before, by having confidence in myself and fearing nothing. But this time around, my mind was turned against me, and sure enough the idea that I did something bad and the only way to fix it was dwell into my psyche, but really it was not a matter of morality or beliefs, it was anger consuming me and making me oblivious to what I was putting myself through, because I believe in myself to the point where I believed I could function on will power, confidence, H channeling my anger positively. That's where I messed up, and it hurt, because I believed that the wrongs that happen to you are something you must know, but really, even things like that aren't always something you'll know clearly, thankfully I do, thankfully my life is something that I can coordinate, thankfully my mistakes are something I can bounce back from, thankfully I never lost faith that things will better, not today, not tomorrow, not next week, but I'll never stop trying to make things better.
That song you listened to, Illusions, I think I understand what the man is saying. About “you,” that you don't exist, but you do exist, which revolves around the theme of duality, that “you” don't give approval to breathe, to think, for your heart to beat, that is not in your control. That doesn't mean you are controlled by those things, because control is dominance, and your body, your mind, your soul, don't control each other, they work together, you are you're own union, the holy trinity. You can't control or take control, only work together, and care for each aspect that makes you, you. So no, “you” don't exist, just you.December 21, 2016 at 11:53 am #123224
Dear Adrian Gallardo:
I very much like your statement: ” I’ll never stop trying to make things better.”
I agree that will power is not enough, and that we cannot control our lives by will power alone, or by our thinking alone. I very much agree with what you wrote here: “You can’t control or take control, only work together, and care for each aspect that makes you”-
Again, I find you very insightful. Your expressions are original, not something you read somewhere and then repeat. They are originals and so, very refreshing and most importantly, accurate.
You can't control yourself, make things be this way or another, from now on and forever more. At best you can be your own best personal manager and manage your time, manage your actions (plan in advance, execute, evaluate), notice how your thinking and feeling work together and manage the interactions between the two for your own well being and better living.
I am glad you will post again!
December 21, 2016 at 12:20 pm #123230
- This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by anita.
What comes first the chicken or the egg?
Do our thoughts and angst create the imbalance or does the imbalance create the thoughts?
Like the serpent Ouroboros that devolves its own tail… mind, body, soul become codependent feeding off of each other.
So with regards to the question Mental or Emotional Prison? Both but its complex
In the hermetic teaching there is a riddle – as above so below, as below so above.
We are influenced and we are influenced. We are fated and we have free will. Free will is just more difficult to exercise.
The reality is that for most people the outer world influences them more than they are able to influence the outer world. Most people live the stories the outer world has written for them and forget how to participate and write their own story. .
As above so below, the outer world influences the story you live.
As below so above, the inner authentic self participates in the writing of the story you live
It’s complex and simple as this kind of story creating requires learning the art of doing by not doing. One enters the present moment perhaps with intention and then lets the moment unfold.
As Yoda said there is no try only do
If you watched the Dog whisperer Ceaser describes it as leaning to become ‘calm assertive’.
Calm and assertive sounds like a contradiction but it’s not. You can be assertive/clear in your intention of what you are aiming at while remaining calm.
To train a ‘dog’ (our thoughts and feeling that have become instinctual) one needs to set boundaries so that we notice where we are and what we are aiming at, set our intentions firm and clear and then calmly let the intention unfold.
The challenge is setting our boundaries and knowing what it is that we want and actually aiming at let alone not trying to control and manipulate the how the moment unfolds.December 21, 2016 at 12:45 pm #123231
I find it kind of funny that just yesterday I was tying in the chicken or the egg question with how things have been, finding the origin of what went wrong, than you came along and posted the same thing that came to mind. And it's true, you don't go into everything with intention, yet going into everything you sometimes end up with intentions with how to move forward. Calm assertive is something I've always been, it's just instinct I guess, to understand boundaries when I have to and go about it calmly, surely things are different so sometimes you won't always know limits or boundaries or wont be so calm in that moment, which is something I realized was affected by this ordeal. I'm not very sure in regards to what you're saying but I think I understand. You won't know who, what, where, but you'll know the chicken and the egg exist, so as long as you know that, it becomes meaningless to find out which came before. Just like how every moment, you don't dig deep into who, what, where, but you know what's happening or aware that you don't understand what's happening, etc. Regardless, I might need to re read what you said, just to understand it better. As above, so below/As below, so above, I like that, thanks for your input!December 31, 2016 at 10:35 am #124084
How badly could have it affected it me, was it my reaction to it that made it feel worse, or was it so bad my thoughts, my perception, my confidence, my entity was falling apart. The thoughts kept recurring and I fought them back, I confused them for something infernal, I searched inside myself to find what was wrong, and kept searching, for nothing I believed inside my character, my entity, me. Anxiety is not apart of me, it doesn't make me who I am, it affects me but it isn't who I am as an individual. It wasn't a matter of just thinking, or re thinking something, or me doubting myself out of rationality, it was out of anxiety. Something I made worse out of overtraining. I guess I had too much drive, I didn't pay mind to what was happening, to who I really am, not what I can do pushed to my limits every week. I don't blame myself, I guess it always has been me, even when it wasn't, I got used to hearing that. I'm afraid. Ill always get afraid, fearing nothing is admitting you fear something. My fear is not to lose control, I never had it, not over my body, my mind, or my soul, they still make me who I am, but they are things that make me, me. Allowing me to tap into their abilities, yet I'm still in control of what I can manipulate, so in the end I am in control, but not enough to say I'm in control of everything, because everything is everything, I can handle being in control of what was never mine to control. Control is giving permission, and my mind, my body, my soul, are free. My fear is not control, my fear is to lose everything I've worked for in a blink of an eye, to something that I don't even know, or understand, at least know.December 31, 2016 at 10:54 am #124086
Dear Adrian Gallardo:
Good reading from you, anytime.
My thoughts regarding your last sentence, above: “my fear is to lose everything I’ve worked for in a blink of an eye, to something that I don’t even know, or understand, at least know”-
We all lose it “in a blink of an eye”- every living thing that ever lived; every living thing currently living; and every living thing that is not yet living- will lose it, life itself.
But since this is true for Every living thing, it is not a tragedy, is it? Because otherwise is impossible. There is no such thing as eternal living. Aging and death happens to everyone.
I don't understand, don't know what happened before I was conceived and what will happen after I die- I am thinking there a “before” and “after” time line may not even exist in the overall reality, and I will never know. I am not religious: I don't believe in heaven or hell or reincarnation. What truly happens (before and after me)- I don't know, but it happens. I just don't know what it is.
We all have just this moment, just this day. And yet, there is meaning to our lives, this moment, this day.
anitaDecember 31, 2016 at 3:04 pm #124151
In a black and white world, each one of us is gray. In a web of mishaps, how can you untangle it without your conscious abilities, without the perspective that suits you? How can you fro anything when you feel lost, wrong, worried, and afraid? That is what scared me, sure Anxiety manifestated itself in ways I couldn't not comprehend, we fear what we don't understand, what we don't know, and just imagine turning from a strong understanding of your entity and life to doubting your entirety has a human being and questioning every aspects of life?
Death is inevetiable, so is life, I'm not afraid of dying, as I understand it's apart of life. What I meant when I said fearing losing everything is this, when you build a tower, it doesn't crumble and fall quickly, it takes time for it to tumble. So when I underwent what I did I didn't know what to believe, because so didn't know what to think, because I lost faith in myself as I battled thoughts, and I believed those thoughts meant something in my morals, actions, beliefs, were wrong, I slowly sunk back to that sad little kid I once was.
Death is invetiable, but your fall and how you fall is not, so it's either you or something else, your fall is not invetiable because you're fate is in your hands. We all make mistakes, but when you don't know what you did wrong, masked behind something so destructive as anxiety, how can you rise?
Everything can be solved, I just made the mistake of letting my ego get in the way, not in a hot headed way, I was just too proud of myself, which blinded me to the things I see now.December 31, 2016 at 8:04 pm #124186
Dear Adrian Gallardo:
To have a better understanding of your anxiety, I have to go back and re-read your posts and our communication. I remember right now something you wrote early. You wrote that your father, I think it was, criticized the friends you had, and that was a shock to you. You were very young. This was my understanding then of what that was about- before that criticism you believed you were okay, you were not worried. You naturally believed that your parents approved of you, you had no DOUBT. But then, you were criticized, for the friends you had, for the wrong friends-choices you made, and it SHOCKED you. Is the approval you were sure of- is that the “pride” you are referring to here? And the shock of being disapproved- is that the “fall” you are referring to here?
anitaJanuary 1, 2017 at 4:26 pm #124238
I was showering and I was thinking about these past months, getting my ducks in a row. Anxiety originated from my family, manifested itself through physical, mental, and emotional suffering. It spun out of control when I decided to ride my bike 4 miles to and from the gym daily, eat less because I didn't want to ask for what I needed, and rest less when I decided to stay up late playing online with friends. It spun out of control when I decided to strain my body out of overconfidence, fueled by motivation, maintained through anger and willpower.
I wondered what I did back then, not scrambling to find out of irrational catastrophe or to look deeper than I need to, I wondered what I did and I remembered. It wasn't what I told myself, it was what I did because of what I was told, what I heard, through sounds and vibrations, through words, through art. I realized how things weren't looking good for me, and I decided to change myself rather than what's around me. I decided that my main drive wasn't to lose weight or graduate, it was to follow a path to change my life.
My journey was the destination.January 1, 2017 at 7:04 pm #124244
Dear Adrian Gallardo:
I don't understand your last post. I wish I understood, but I don't.
anitaJanuary 10, 2017 at 4:28 pm #125022
It's ok, sometimes I don't understand too. But what I still understand is that it's all been a big trick, I used to think I had anxiety, but really my environment made me anxious more often, fearing things will turn out violent and I would have to step in. I blame myself for putting myself in this position, but I don't blame myself for how I approached things, inward and felt like things were greater than or rather than anxiety. These past months I felt how anxiety really feels, and the only thing I have left to say is this. There is never going to be a magic bullet, furthermore, I must not search for one. I must get through my issues head on and be able to understand how, nor by luck or chance, through my own analytical thinking and will.
“But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.”
Thanks for the help Anita.January 10, 2017 at 4:39 pm #125023
Dear Adrian Gallardo:
You are welcome. I am not clear about what you blame yourself for, but I wish you didn't. I don't think magic is the solution, like you, and I prefer analytical thinking. The thing about analytical thinking is – it has to combine understanding our emotions. Our emotions, including the ongoing fear (anxiety) has messages in them.
Here is a formula to express what I mean:
Wise Mind = Rational Mind + Emotional Mind.
Since we are animals, evolved through millions of years, first we had our emotions. Later in evolution, analytical thinking was added, so there is a whole lot of information- that we can't access any other way, except through noticing what we feel, and figure the messages.