November 26, 2016 at 5:42 pm #121223
They say all the power you possess lies within, that it’s all in your mind.
For quite some time now, I battled with my thoughts, I didn’t know what to associate it with, is it anxiety, depression, my plain old thinking? Gladly I was able to overcome this, I would ruminate daily, question everything, I felt like I was losing my mind.
But that’s besides the point, I came to this forum to look for help, because I do believe it’s all in your mind, and sometimes I become aware of physical sensations, like my lower jaw feeling out of place, and it lasts. The thoughts, the fear, the uncertainty lasts, I know life is uncertain, but I want to certain of myself. I know somehow the way I think affects the way I see discomfort, but it scares me to think that I’m doing it to myself, because it just happens. This will be easier as a back and forth, feel free to ask questions.November 26, 2016 at 6:25 pm #121225
Questions: how old are you? Do you live with your parents? How was your childhood?
anitaNovember 27, 2016 at 7:18 pm #121379
I am 18 years old, and I do live with my parents. My childhood wasn’t the greatest, I had gotten the physical, material things I desired and as a kid, but not the things a kid really needed. As far as I can remember environments I grew up in were loud, obnoxious, negative, angry, sometimes filled with animosity. I’ve always been a quiet kid, I was pretty much ok with anything and could make the most out of less just out of sheer creativity, imagination, positivity, etc. But as a kid I would be bullied over my appearance, mainly my weight, and it never felt like I had my family completely on my side for things like that, and it even felt like they were against me. Although these are the things that come to mind and that should be shared I still feel I had a good childhood, and am genuinely grateful for the one I got to experience, there’s just things I wish would’ve never happened. I guess if it never happened, I wouldn’t be who I am today.November 27, 2016 at 8:15 pm #121383
You wrote in your original post: ” it scares me to think that I’m doing it (anxiety, distress) to myself”-
When your environment growing up was “loud, obnoxious, negative, angry, sometimes filled with animosity.” When your family did not give you the things you needed (other than the material) and were sometimes against you when you were bullied- that means that you were alone, scared and alone.
You didn’t create your ongoing fear (anxiety), it was inflicted on you, as a child. If you grew up in a peaceful environment; if your parents gave you positive attention, if they made you feel loved and protected, safe, then you wouldn’t be anxious now.
When you are bullied as a child and not protected from that bullying by your parents (or even bullied by your parents as well), your bullies become a mental entity in your brain. The real life bullies become your mental bully. I call that bully an “Inner Bully” I have one too.
Do you agree so far?
anitaNovember 27, 2016 at 11:11 pm #121392
I understand the bullying bit, especially about weight. I was bullied about acne, my weird ways and God knows what. But after 6 years, at 24, I can offer you some perspective.
You are 18 now and there is a big, uncertain world out there. It’s scary and few things are there which make you feel secure. I understand that. The thing about parents is they too have their own set of problems, they are human too and have their flwas. They can hold our hand, give us a roof, support us in their own way but they can’t walk the path for us.
When I was about 16, I was a pretty angry person and felt utterly disconnected from my parents. Though they always gave me their time, provided best facilties, I didnt understand that they too were struggling financially and had lot of stress, uncertainty on their plate.
I often used to wonder why can’t they tell me what to do, what’s the right way and then I would get irritated when when they suggested things. So you can see the contradiction here.
Now I see things more from their point of view and feel kind of amazed how the heck they managed with all their difficulties. I try to be more patient and helpful.
Yesterday my dad told me something that really comforted me in a way and I want to share it with you. He said, “since the last 5 years you were studying in college away from home, I have observed one thing in you which is indecisiveness. You are listening and getting swayed too much by the words, opinions of others. You need to have more confidence and find your own individuality, not based on my opinion or anyone elses but yours. I will always be there to support you but you have to be brave enough to walk your own path”
And that’s what I am asking you to do too – the mean words, acts are there and anxieties of home are there. You cant change the past but there is a future out there for you. Its uncertain and you cant see it clearly but how you deal with the present will determine it.
You are growing and changing – you might always be a little quiet, you might feel a little nervous but be brave, assertive and don’t give in to what those idiots told you that you aren’t good enough. Imagine a world that seems out of your reach right now and work towards it. Accept that you have your own path to walk and don’t let anyone undermine you otherwise.
NinaNovember 28, 2016 at 4:51 am #121394
I have a feeling that once you get your own place life will become infinitely calmer. The random thoughts and anxieties are your brain and body wondering what’s next, when the next shoe will fall, so to speak.
For example, we had a family member who was, well, difficult. As soon as he left the house became peaceful. Beautiful new furniture was bought. Gold framed artwork adorned the walls. Nice dinners were cooked in the kitchen. That’s how much life can stop when someone or something interrupts your peace and start up again when all is well.
So if you are not in college, get in college. With a quiet, calm roommate, or even in a single.
InkyNovember 28, 2016 at 10:48 am #121414
Thank you for the help, I’d like to describe a two monumental moments that drove me to even consider posting on a forum such as this one.
This happened about 1 year ago around the same time, I feel into a deep depression with lethargy and lonliness, it all triggered off an argument with my dad, wanting to monitor me and refuse to let me hang out with my friends because he and my mom noticed my change in attitude to them. I wasn’t acting stuck up, I was going against the quota they set up about me, school, friends, etc. Because they were wrong. And that argument tipped the scale, I felt a sudden shock, as if things could not be real, that I would have to defend myself against the people I loved, that although their intentions were to “better me” it only sought to destroy the person I am. After that, for months I stopped doing the things I loved, I would spend afternoons at a friends house because it felt better to not be home. After a while I felt better, I seeked help and comfort in friends and teachers, and most importantly, music. I found myself listening to a particular album, “Evermore: The Art of Duality.” It completely changed my life, how I thought, and resonated with me on a very deep level. Next thing you know I was back to myself, started working out again through boxing, playing video games, being the happy, funny, confident and careless person I once was. I felt like I was on top of the world, because I knew I was truly smart, creative, fashionable, etc. And I carried that message of unity, of knowledge, the values and lessons I learned from living and experiencing those 4 months of depression and isolation, of being mentally chained. Then summer comes around and I set out to do a lot, training to become faster and stronger for boxing, wealthier economically to move out and continue on my own, reading to increase the knowledge I have and to relax, I sought out to do all the things I wanted because they were meaningful to me. But than after a while, things got bad, and there I was, alone, scared, weak, defenseless, isolated, imprisoned, once again.November 28, 2016 at 10:50 am #121415
(Sorry for the errors, im just trying to be as organic as possible and block out any worries of typos)November 28, 2016 at 12:02 pm #121417
I do agree, it was quite scary to have self doubt manifest itself in my head as my family. To this day I don’t know if some things I’m doing to myself, such as my jaw, I feel like I clench of rest it with my teeth touching, so I start to focus on it, and after I readjust my focus the discomfort lasts, and I start to wonder if I’m doing it to myself by thinking about it, almost like taking away control by trying to make it normal or comfortable again out of fear?November 28, 2016 at 12:19 pm #121418
You wrote above, that after an argument with your parents, following their disapproval of your choices of friends, ” I felt a sudden shock, as if things could not be real, that I would have to defend myself against the people I loved, that although their intentions were to “better me” it only sought to destroy the person I am.” Your parents tried change who you are so to fit into what they want you to be. I agree: it can not make you a “better you.” It can only take you away from being you.
You wrote: “After that, for months I stopped doing the things I loved, I would spend afternoons at a friends house because it felt better to not be home.” As a result of your parents’ disapproval of you, wanting to change you into a person you are not, you naturally tried to please them, to not be yourself, and so you stopped doing the things you loved. You also got away from them when you can, so escape their efforts to destroy you.
From Illusions by Evermore: The Art of Duality:
“You’ve been living your whole life
Thinking that you are in control
The truth is that you are not in control
Most exactly, there is no you to be in control
..Everything that’s within your experience
Is entirely a product of past events
…The road you chose reflect where you gon’ go
If it’s looking cold, spark up that fire inside your soul”
What these words mean to me is that when you feel cold, depressed, it is because “there is no you.” trying to please your parents by no longer being you, means there is no you. And so it feels cold. If you want warmth, good feelings, spark up that fire inside your soul by taking control of your life, making the choices that are true to you being who you are.
Your thoughts/ feelings?
anitaNovember 28, 2016 at 12:39 pm #121419
I wasn’t trying to please my parents by not doing what I loved, I just felt like no matter what I did they would be there, my shadow. But this is behind me, I forgave them, and decided to lead by example.
Which comes to
Over the summer I felt the negativity again, self doubt crept in, and I turned inward to find the answer. Mixed with pain due to vision and anxiety due to fear of not knowing what’s happening to me, I ruminated daily, I questioned everything, at one point I felt like nothing, completely nothing, and that nothing had meaning because there would be something to question it soon after. I would type notes daily, but I found release by crying, accepting that I felt weak again, that was the first step I took to better myself. Everything I felt would go into questioning, I felt like I was going crazy. But throughout all that I craved my parents and their unconditional love I once felt as a child, and it helped, but I couldn’t shake the thoughts, and I went down a self destructive path to fight them, which gave them more power. Afterwards I applied methods used on people with OCD, because it did feel like that’s what it was, but it wasn’t as bad as other may have it. I accepted thoughts, and I acknowledged the anger I felt, that it wasn’t small, it was huge. I almost forgot to say, this all happened after I threw away the keys that my sisters boyfriend needed to go work because he came home drunk in the middle of the night, that’s also another big thing too, the hate I felt towards him for being a piece of shit. And that day my ego set in and made that that choice, and ever since that day things were terrible. Because that’s not me.November 28, 2016 at 7:01 pm #121432
Reading your posts, I don’t understand as much as I would like to understand. Clearly you suffer from anxiety, the jaws clenching- I know this problem as my teeth were damaged because of grinding and my jaws were often tight. I also suffered from OCD since an early age. What I suggest that you do is attend psychotherapy as soon as you can. In therapy, the anxiety will be examined and healing can begin.
In therapy, you will gain insight into your earlier childhood and your relationships with your parents. You will learn skills to regulate your emotions, that is, to endure distress, to calm yourself, and much more.
anitaNovember 29, 2016 at 10:28 am #121469
I have a couple questions for you @anita.
Did you already hear that album or after the fact?
When you say you suffered from OCD and your jaws clenching, how long did it last, the dominant effects?
And if you would like to know more you can ask, I’m open to anything, and as for the psychotherapy, I’ll tell my doctor about what happened so we can go from there together.
I don’t feel anxious but sometimes thoughts about my jaw or eyes come and go, sometimes I feel like if I don’t get to bottom as to why I was comfortable with my eyes it would happen again. Sometimes I think that I actually do have problems but being in that anxious state makes me feel like it’s something more than astigmatism or the fact that I sleep on my side and keep my jaw locked when I rest my head/chin on my hand. Besides that I heard therapy was expensive, and I don’t think I am at the point where I need extensive help, just advice from others in a place that can.November 29, 2016 at 10:38 am #121470
Dear Adrian Gallardo:
I have trouble understanding your writing. For example, in your last post, you asked me: “When you say you suffered from OCD and your jaws clenching, how long did it last, the dominant effects?”
What do you mean by “dominant effects”?
anitaNovember 29, 2016 at 10:42 am #121472
The anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, how you obsessed, etc.