So, I’ve changed my username to reflect less on my family. Anyways, I want to bring up the huge problem that I hate most jobs, almost all of them, that people can get without many years of education or physical/mental endurance I do not have due to various health conditions. Standing on my feet for an hour or more causes me severe physical pain and leads to flare ups of my Crohn’s disease, and therefore jobs that require this would reduce my lifespan and radically increase my physical suffering. Meanwhile, most entry level desk jobs would exacerbate my bipolar depression and anxiety. Being jobless, I manage to keep all three conditions in remission.

I wish to enter a relationship where my physical and psychological “needs”, as far as anyone needs anything beyond basic survival no matter how miserable, are taken care of. I consider this to involve; allowing me to help others, allowing me to help the environment, allowing me to help myself, allowing me to help my partner. my family, society, and to write, pursue science, study, literature, and art. Without a partner, the career that would be easiest for me to attain and be able to perpetually pursue, would be doing sexual acts on a webcam for people who would pay me. I do not fancy this career path. Otherwise, there’s true Buddhist monkhood, which truly tempts me, though I don’t know at all if I could 100% permanently rid myself of orgasm, which would expel me from the monkhood. If only we could try our best, and accept our occasional failures while remaining as monks, it would be perfect for me with the right sangha.

Barring that, I could try to be a life coach, try to crowdfund major things in my life, or star a website or youtube channel, or become a writer. Whilst I’ve been looking towards web design/development, I hate the type of work in the field, it’s very much an opposite of how my mind works in general. My family wants me to pursue it because it’s practical, though they’ve said they won’t kick me out while they’re alive, albeit I only 95% trust that. I hate the idea of it, whether I should allow myself to or not. I just hate what most jobs do to me physically and mentally, yet I feel it’s unlikely and unfair to expect to find someone who can support me in the ways I’d like to be supported. What are your thoughts on these matters?

I know they’re out there, it’s just so hard to find people and to be sure, there are so many unkind people who act kind when you first meet them out there. There are many people who like to take advantage of others. As well as myself ending up with greed when I go looking, because how do I know I’ve found the right one? I want someone who can gladly support me when I need support and give me space when I need space. Who doesn’t deny my experience of reality, yet who doesn’t fail to challenge it when it’s a little off. I don’t even know where to begin to be honest, though I should probably start by making ordinary friends first in order to develop social skills and have safety in numbers, I guess.

My family’s a bit of a mixed bag as far as support goes. But thanks for your condolences.

There are many advantages with porn, however there are also downsides/disadvantages. This is certain.

Going from where I am to just imagination would be very difficult and take a very long time, and I’d feel like I was denying myself for the rest of my life, most likely. Introducing a far greater degree of moderation, however, is definitely necessary. It’s something I shouldn’t have to be ashamed of in the first place, I believe. Yet I will put in effort to dilute this karma.

Otherwise, the most effective ways for me to quit would be to renounce sexuality altogether and either live like a monk, or become a monk, or enter a healthy relationship, which I don’t know how to do, and may be difficult due to my financial disadvantages.

Alright, thank you for letting me know. I always have a lot on my mind, so I might sometimes go overboard sometimes when I find someone good to talk to.

At the beach a person in a group said, very loudly, something like “he only leaves his house once of year around the 4th of July to go to the beach”, which corresponds to me rather perfectly for the past couple years, and once in the store, a group of people was staring at me, and one shouted the word “Vodka” at me, which seems likely to be a reference to the weekly bottle of vodka that I used to drink and purchase in the store a couple of years ago. Along with getting a lot of rude looks and occasional comments from people in various places on occasion. This has mostly happened at one specific store.

Men and women of middle age, in there thirties at least (I’m 26) I don’t know my neighbors well enough to say who specifically, yet it even happens when I’m at the beach or store. People in my city are very gossipy and rude, or about half of them are. I live in a side by side and have heard the neighbors connected to my home, through the wall none the less, sometimes even shouting about it. They also gossip about my former excessive alcohol use and how I rarely leave the house, once one even called me “White Chicken” once on my doorstep when I left my house for a routine task. And sometimes the gossip is about my lack of a job or former marijuana use as well, even sometime my being non-christian. It’s a very unsafe feeling environment and moving to a place where I don’t have any nearby neighbors is a dream of mine.

Also, often music or binaural beats, all designed to increase your focus and relax you during use.

Most of any given month, I go with minimal, if any sexual stimulation. However, between 1 and 3 times per month, I watch hypnosis porn and do my thing for anywhere between 1 and 12 hours. This on it’s own would be fine, but the aftereffects, which last a couple hours unless I either ingest alcohol, a different sedative (sometimes melatonin is enough), or meditate on my breath in calm abiding meditation. The after effect is such that for an hour or so after, I still see the outline of sexual imagery when I close my eyes. In addition, the messaging in the videos is fairly negative and I don’t like it, which has made me want to make my own, less harmful videos for personal use, but have not done so. Finally, before I started using tor for this, my neighbors were able to spy on my wifi (which is easily done for the computer literate, which I know because on more than one occasion I’ve caught them gossiping about it with specific details shortly afterward  and thus not only do they know, but it’s possible a sexual predator could find out, and, if I were too disinhibited at the time, I might engage in sex I regret, possibly catch an std, possibly end up in a toxic relationship, or int the worst case, end up as a victim of human trafficking.

Thank you for being willing to discuss this, it even weirds my therapist out.