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Regrets, attachments, aversions, sorrow

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 69 total)
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  • #412740
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    I indulged my sexuality today, which I don’t do often, (also, sorry if it’s too much information, but it’s really a significant problem for me) and that often leaves me very anxious as it makes me feel unsafe, which tends to push me towards drinking“-

    -reads like the sexual indulgence you are referring to is a very serious problem in your life. Without providing X-rated details, can you tell me what this indulgence consists of?

    anita

    #412742
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Most of any given month, I go with minimal, if any sexual stimulation. However, between 1 and 3 times per month, I watch hypnosis porn and do my thing for anywhere between 1 and 12 hours. This on it’s own would be fine, but the aftereffects, which last a couple hours unless I either ingest alcohol, a different sedative (sometimes melatonin is enough), or meditate on my breath in calm abiding meditation. The after effect is such that for an hour or so after, I still see the outline of sexual imagery when I close my eyes. In addition, the messaging in the videos is fairly negative and I don’t like it, which has made me want to make my own, less harmful videos for personal use, but have not done so. Finally, before I started using tor for this, my neighbors were able to spy on my wifi (which is easily done for the computer literate, which I know because on more than one occasion I’ve caught them gossiping about it with specific details shortly afterward  and thus not only do they know, but it’s possible a sexual predator could find out, and, if I were too disinhibited at the time, I might engage in sex I regret, possibly catch an std, possibly end up in a toxic relationship, or int the worst case, end up as a victim of human trafficking.

    Thank you for being willing to discuss this, it even weirds my therapist out.

    #412744
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    I don’t know what “hypnosis porn” means: does it involve unusual sexual practices? Maybe you can explain it to me using a scientific, factual kind of language, best you can?

    anita

     

    #412745
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    So, I don’t know a definition either, so here goes. There’s often a hypnosis spiral overlayed on the screen, sexual imagery, video, and instructional voices or word on the screen or both, which makes it interactive. Supposedly it will hypnotize you into performing sexual acts, but in my experience, they are not effective in that way unless you want them to be, however, they are very stimulating.

    #412746
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Also, often music or binaural beats, all designed to increase your focus and relax you during use.

    #412748
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    This porn hypnosis activity makes you feel unsafe because, you wrote: “it’s possible a sexual predator could find out, and, if I were too disinhibited at the time, I might engage in sex I regret, possibly catch an std, possibly end up in a toxic relationship, or in the worst case, end up as a victim of human trafficking”-

    who may engage in sex with you/  get you into human trafficking, where, when and how will they manage to do this?

    anita

    #412750
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    To be honest, this is a very grounding response, I rarely leave my house, and never alone, it is actually very unlikely anyone will meet me in a vulnerable state. I also expect there’s an element of sexual shame and fear of addiction, which, given my frequency of use, is also unlikely. This makes it more of a set of phobias then, I guess. I also feel unsafe due to the gossiping, which seems to have stopped or been greatly reduced since using tor.

    #412755
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    I am glad my response grounded you, and I hope that this grounding sticks. “I also feel unsafe due to the gossiping“- those who gossiped: are they guys your age who do not watch porn themselves?

    I also expect there’s an element of sexual shame“- can you tell me more about the sexual shame you are referring to: what is it about?

    anita

    #412756
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Men and women of middle age, in there thirties at least (I’m 26) I don’t know my neighbors well enough to say who specifically, yet it even happens when I’m at the beach or store. People in my city are very gossipy and rude, or about half of them are. I live in a side by side and have heard the neighbors connected to my home, through the wall none the less, sometimes even shouting about it. They also gossip about my former excessive alcohol use and how I rarely leave the house, once one even called me “White Chicken” once on my doorstep when I left my house for a routine task. And sometimes the gossip is about my lack of a job or former marijuana use as well, even sometime my being non-christian. It’s a very unsafe feeling environment and moving to a place where I don’t have any nearby neighbors is a dream of mine.

    #412757
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Oh, and I forgot to comment on sexual shame. We barely ever discussed sex in my life growing up, and in our culture there’s a strong anti-sex, anti-hedonism culture. People also look down on feminine sexuality in general and feminine men as well. Probably a lot of internalized homophobia, antiporn and antisex shame that was simply absorbed by being in my culture.

    #412758
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    it even happens when I’m at the beach or store. People in my city are very gossipy and rude“- can you describe to me an example of a gossipy incident when you were at the beach, and another example when you were at the store?

    anita

     

     

    #412759
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    At the beach a person in a group said, very loudly, something like “he only leaves his house once of year around the 4th of July to go to the beach”, which corresponds to me rather perfectly for the past couple years, and once in the store, a group of people was staring at me, and one shouted the word “Vodka” at me, which seems likely to be a reference to the weekly bottle of vodka that I used to drink and purchase in the store a couple of years ago. Along with getting a lot of rude looks and occasional comments from people in various places on occasion. This has mostly happened at one specific store.

    #412760
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    It seems like you are being picked on. Here is what I suggest: if and when it happens again, let’s say at the beach, or at the store, approach the ridiculing person and stand straight in front of him or her, looking them straight in the eye, and say, in a strong voice, something like: did you say something that I should hear? People will usually not re-offend when confronted.

    About porn, I wish porn (gay, straight, any kind) did not exist: this is my personal feeling about it. And it seems that it has a negative effect on you, seems like it is bad for you, isn’t it?

    anita

    #412761
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Now, this is something I would do if I were alone, however, my family always denies it’s happening and comments on my mental health, in effect, calling me crazy when I point it out, and being financially dependent on them, this does not help my situation. Otherwise, it would be an excellent solution, for now, until I have an income and my own transportation, I’ve found it best to simply minimize the frequency with which I leave the house. Not in an agoraphobic way, merely as the most efficient way to deal with the problem at this time.

    I have mixed feelings on porn, without it, I would lack any significant outlet for my sexuality which could make me desperate enough to tolerate an unhealthy relationship just for access to sexual stimulation. Although, due to exploitation in the porn industry, I wish to switch to drawn and animated porn, which (probably) does not involve nearly as much exploitation. As it is, I’m glad it exists, just as I’m thankful psychiatric medication, alcohol, and cannabis exist, I just need to regulate and reduce the harm these things can cause in my life, in my opinion. For me, it’s not porn itself that is the main problem here, but the types of messaging in the type I’ve been consuming. I think the solution here is to take drawn and animated porn and compile it myself into a similar, yet less harmful type of video.

    I will say it has had both good and bad effects in my life. Without it, I would feel like my sexuality was even less acceptable. Yet, it can also sometimes be a problem. With things like this, I favor a harm reduction approach that minimizes the negatives and maximizes the positives, which is why I’m looking toward compiling my own videos, so I can experience the potential benefits, without supporting exploitation or experiencing negative messaging from social attitudes expressed in what I have been watching.

    #412762
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi: I will reply to you later, in a couple of hours or so.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 69 total)

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