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Regrets, attachments, aversions, sorrow

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  • #412621
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I experience intermittent depressive periods in which my regrets, attachments, aversions and sorrows bring me to wish I could just die and stay dead. Due to some experiences though, I don’t believe it works that way. Anyways I guess I’ll just start somewhere and keep going.

    I’m male, and I hate what puberty did to my body, I feel like I’m too big and tall, like the features I most enjoyed about my body have passed too soon. To make matters worse, I became morbidly obese, at 340 pounds when I was in my late teens, I since lost 180 pounds and recently gained back about 100 after a major trauma just over a year ago. I’m starting to lose it again, but it’s disheartening. Furthermore I can’t now, and maybe never will be able to afford a surgery to simply rmove hanging sheets of loose skin I have when I’m a healthy weight, and it is just such a disappointing feeling to lose all that weight, and still be able to see it in the mirror even when it’s gone just because you’re not one of the lucky people who can afford these things.

    I’ve also have never been able to hold a job and am blessed that my parents still allow me to live with them for free at age 26. I regret never having a relationship with the same sex, or even at all when I was a preteen, and have never had one since either. I physically and mentally become ill after a few weeks working the kinds of jobs I can get. The people in my neighborhood gossip about me, call me names to my phase, and, I recently learned, have been spying on my internet browsing history and discussing the kinds of porn I watch for at least a year.

    I used to be really into science, but it’s never earned me a penny and so I lost interest for half a decade before recently getting back into it. I’m not sure after the experiences I’ve had in this life, especially in the past year I can ever trust someone enough to enter a relationship with them. I’m not sure I even want to. All I know I want is enough money to have my own place away from the city and as far away from others as possible and essentially retire so I can focus on my actual interests. I’m pursuing web development for that purpose. But my regrets in this life come up every few weeks and have for many years now. I became buddhist because there is a hope to all but cease existing by attaining nibbana eventually. Otherwise, I just want another chance at this life, which I know I won’t get.

     

    Anyways, thanks for reading

    #412629
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    I’m male, and I hate what puberty did to my body, I feel like I’m too big and tall, like the features I most enjoyed about my body have passed too soon… I regret never having a relationship with the same sex, or even at all when I was a preteen“- reads like you (26) suffered from body dysmorphia (a severe dissatisfaction with your physical body) since puberty.  When you were a preteen, you were okay with your smaller frame body, felt comfortable in it, but then puberty hit and… things got out of control. Is this how it felt?

    In your late teens you were morbidly obese (emotional eating, I am guessing?). Since then, you lost a lot of weight, then gained much of it back, then lost some weight, and the result is that you have “hanging sheets of loose skin” that will remain when you are healthy weight, and you can’t afford a surgery to remove those.

    Also, read like you are gay, but too body-dysmorphic to pursue a same-sex relationship. You shared that you’ve been gossiped about and called names by people in your neighborhood, in regard to your sexual orientation, if I understand correctly.

    You also shared that you are living with your parents, “have never been able to hold a job“, now pursuing web development for the purpose of moving away from your parents and from the city and living “as far away from others as possible“.

    Overall, reads to me that having a surgery to remove your access skin is of outmost importance to you: knowing body dysmorphia personally, I can’t imagine being able to significantly overcome it otherwise. If you continue to lose weight, arrive to healthy weight and then have the access skin removed surgically, that would be best for you.

    How about fundraising via GoFundMe (see go fund me. com/ how it works)?  I imagine that lots of people who also suffer from body dysmorphia, particularly people in the lgbtq community, will be very empathetic and may want to support you in your struggles.,,?

    anita

     

    #412631
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Thanks again for reading. You mostly have the gist of it, especially as I wrote it. The only thing is on leaving the city, I want to do that largely because I experienced abuse by a psychiatrist during a medical state of delirium and barely avoided mental hospitalization.  I was so traumatized I drank 6 alcoholic drinks daily for about 9 months. But that’s still only 1 thing in my life. I would really love the surgery and it would be very meaningful to me, especially if others helped fund it in that way (which would symbolize caring by others). I never really thought of gofundme  to be honest. I never expected crowdfunding to be viable for this, as I usually associate it either with businesses or essential things. Thanks for the idea, though I would have a lot of work to do to make it work. I do miss my smaller frame and wish I’d taken puberty blockers.

    #412633
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    You are welcome. I am sorry that you experienced abuse by a psychiatrist (and abuses and taunts by others!). I hope that you find a way to do the surgery, and crowdfunding may be the way.

    In regard to your body dysmorphia, wishing you’d taken puberty blockers (when I read your original post, I thought to myself how puberty blockers, taken under the supervision of a doctor, of course, could have helped you), etc.- I am currently communicating with a transgender young man on the forums, and we’ve been discussing some topics that may be of interest to you. If you go to page 3 of list of topics, to the thread “Too Criticizing of Myself” by Janus, you can read parts of our very long communication (started in Dec 2015, when Janus was Shirley, before her social transitioning). We discussed body dysmorphia and lgbtq topics repeatedly and at length. If you go to page 92, ninth post from the top, you will find one of Janus’s lists of resources, some may be relevant to you.

    If you choose to check out her thread, please let me know if it is of any help to you.

    anita

    #412635
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Hi again. I believe the thread will be useful, however the specific resources I found seemed mostly aimed at trans men, which is not likely for me, but like I said, there seems to be plenty in the thread to go through. I’ll let you know more tomorrow as it’s about my bedtime (I go to bed early). Perhaps with gofund me I could also work on my bone structure (to the degree it gets done nowadays), The masculine edges of my facial bones can be modified in surgery, and my shoulders can be made 2 inches narrower altogether, though I believe that’s as far as hard tissue can go. I can also get hair removal (though that can be done permanently at home much more cheaply than it can be done professionally. Finally, I should start an antiandrogen, though taking only one of those has issues, as people with no dominant sex hormone develop osteoporosis.

    Anyways, goodnight, I’ll be back tomorrow and thanks for the concern.

    #412637
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, levi. I will reply further to you Mon morning (I want to research some of things you mentioned in your recent post). I wish you a restful sleep and a good night.

    anita

    #412666
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    Yesterday, I agreed with you that removing the access skin (following your previous massive weight loss) through surgery is a good idea. I personally know of a man, happens to be a gay man, who used to be morbidly obese, then lost all the excess weight (and kept it off) and proceeded to have his excess skin removed through surgery, with which he was very happy.

    The masculine edges of my facial bones can be modified in surgery, and my shoulders can be made 2 inches narrower“-

    Psychology today: “Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder. An individual with body dysmorphic disorder is overly preoccupied with what are perceived as gross imperfections in their appearance and spends an hour or more every day thinking about the way they look”-

    – if this is what you suffer from, then (1) shaving a bit of bone off from your face and shoulders is not likely to be enough to make you look like you looked 14 years ago, as a preteen, (2) it is not likely to resolve your body dysmorphia (see below).

    “I can also get hair removal“- that you can, by waxing you mean?

    “Finally, I should start an antiandrogen, though taking only one of those has issues, as people with no dominant sex hormone develop osteoporosis“- you don’t want to suffer osteoporosis sooner than you have to, plus: I read that one of the side effects of antiandrogens (drugs that block male sex hormones) is weight increase. This is not a good side effect for you, when it comes to your body dysmorphia.

    Back to psychology today: “The symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder often begin in the early teens or even childhood, and are all related to the person’s appearance. According to DSM-5, the symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder include: *Preoccupation with one or more perceived defects in physical appearance… *Clinically significant distress or impairment in functioning caused by the preoccupation..  In addition to an extreme obsession with their looks, people with body dysmorphic disorder try to hide their perceived flaws by holding their body in certain ways, covering up with make-up or clothing, or trying to improve their imagined defects, sometimes with multiple plastic surgeries or other cosmetic practices. Even when steps are taken to make improvements, the person is still unhappy with their appearance... Major depression is common in those with body dysmorphic disorder… People with body dysmorphic disorder represent 2.4 percent of the population but 13 percent of cosmetic surgery patients, research suggests. Yet the disorder is one of body image, so cosmetic treatments typically do not solve the patient’s concerns...

    “When does body dysmorphic disorder typically develop? The most common age of onset is 12 to 13 years old… Treatment: Cognitive-behavioral therapy and antidepressant medications-  particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs- are the primary treatments used to relieve symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder. Often, both therapies are employed in combination. The goal of treatment is to reduce or eliminate obsessive and compulsive behaviors… (and) to help patients learn to view themselves in a non-judgmental fashion..”-

    Did you ever consider that you suffer from body dysmorphic disorder, and what do you think about the quotes above , levi?

    anita

    #412669
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I believe the only surgeries worth getting cosmetically are indeed the loose skin removal ones, they make by far the largest difference.

    I don’t think about it long enough (1+ hours per day) to count as having diagnosable body dysmorphic disorder. I only think of it here and there and have learned to appreciate my body to a large extent. Any surgery involving bone is just something I’d do if I had money to waste.

    As for hair removal, I actually mean IPL (intense pulsed light) which can semi-permanently remove any darkly colored hair, because when it gets flashed by the intense light the follicle heats up and is damaged, when repeated over time it stops growing. The units are about 100$ and I have one, which is slowly working.

    I probably should avoid taking an antiandrogen due to their multitude of side effects.

    I considered bdd, but don’t reach clinical criteria, which is more severe than what I experience, which is more of just an occasional longing.

    #412670
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    I am glad to read that you believe that the only cosmetic surgery worth getting is the loose skin removal surgery, that you will probably avoid taking an antiandrogen, and that your wish for a preteen body is “more of just an occasional longing” than what would qualify as a diagnosable body dysmorphic disorder. Best to read from you is: “(I) have learned to appreciate my body to a large extent“- how did you accomplish it, appreciating your body to a large extent?

    anita

    #412672
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Through gratitude exercises, perspective taking, therapy lectures, open awareness meditation, and other things. Another thing is, I have Crohn’s disease, an inflammatory bowel disease that can (rarely) be fatal, and which is often very painful. Yet with lifestyle changes I have kept it mostly in remission for about 12 years. Honestly, just having eyes, ears, a tongue, nose, and body overall that actually works is something to be very grateful for. Also, my body actually isn’t as masculine as a lot of males of my height (5 foot 11 inches). My height, even though I’d rather be shorter, is indeed very convenient as I can reach things on tall shelves, I also think it makes people less likely to assault me physically. I’ve successfully lost 180 pounds in my life with diet and exercise alone, which is also something to be grateful for, and if I can do it once, I can do it again. Slowly but surely I can turn my attention towards those things about my body which are nice instead of focusing exclusively on those which aren’t, even if that doesn’t erase regrets.

    #412674
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    I am impressed by you, reading your recent two posts is inspirational! I can see how you can inspire others to help themselves and to help you. I figure that there is no point in getting the skin removal surgery before you lose (again) all the weight that you want to lose. So, while you lose weight, you can work on arranging for funding for the surgery.

    anita

    #412677
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Thank you anita. I definitely need to lose the weight again before getting surgery, and keep it off for about 8 months. Arranging funding will be difficult because I don’t have any friends in my community, and very few online. Anyways, goodnight, I’ll talk again tomorrow.

    #412678
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi:

    You are welcome, levi. It’s been a pleasure talking with you today. Have a good night and talk to you tomorrow!

    anita

     

    #412705
    gettingHealthy
    Participant

    Hi anita.

    Sorry for being so late today after saying I’d talk today. I had a rough day somewhat. I indulged my sexuality today, which I don’t do often, (also, sorry if it’s too much information, but it’s really a significant problem for me) and that often leaves me very anxious as it makes me feel unsafe, which tends to push me towards drinking. Anyways, the thing with raising money for surgery that I thought of today, is that the same amount of money it takes to remove loose skin could buy me land and a structure suitable, and legal, for inhabitance. I don’t know what to expect from crowdfunding, and it’s scary to consider because it unleashes my creative and ambitious side, the idea that I could not only remove loose skin, but obtain land and housing of my own where I could even work on becoming carbon negative and start a process of removing my life’s carbon footprint from the earth is something that excites me, but I believe could also set me up for disappointment. Being young in this day and age is very complicated with all the potential possibilities.

    #412716
    anita
    Participant

    Dear levi: I experienced an internet outage all day, and I don’t know if I have internet back home (I am in a different location now). Assuming I have the internet back Wed morning, I will reply further then.

    anita

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