Happy holidays Anita and everyone,

I and my ex are still in contact. He recently wished me a holiday and stated that he missed me, asked me about my dating life and was jealous when I said I started dating others.  About him, he’s currently not dating anyone, although I don’t know how long it will be that way. I started warming up and responding to him, in which he asked me to a coffee meetup but later postponed. I think he sensed my expectation so he became cold again. It frustrates me so much. He told me I should have my own independent feelings about him and us regardless of how he feels, and that I see things in black and white while he wants space to develop gradually. He also mentioned the reason he wanted a break because he felt guilty that he went off on adventures and traveling without me. He didn’t think we would break up but rather each enriches our lives with more experiences and be a stronger couple.

He’s a very intelligent man, which makes his rational side overpowers his emotional side a lot of time (like you said). The things he said somehow even confused smart people with more life experiences than me, as I have consulted with others. It’s not entirely about our life goals, but more of experiences to communicate feelings well to each other. I actually don’t want to let things between us go, but sometimes I’m getting tired of uncertainty. I think he has prejudges about people in my age and combining it with his rational thought that large-age-difference couple won’t work to shadow any feelings he has. He requires maturity level as of 40s, but maturity also comes with acceptance, accept life the way it is, while 20s is the time of trials and errors and taking risks. For me, I did tell him about my future plans with all the businesses I want to open, further education and advance my career. But I didn’t clearly describe him conditions and priorities of each plan, which made him feel like I want to do all and it’s really risky, time-consuming and show that I’m not stable in life enough. If I just stick with one job, it’s not me anymore. Maturity also refers to emotions. I guess that’s why I see things black and white and don’t accept any grey areas. I just don’t understand why expectation is necessarily a bad thing.  I do know we’re both strong-headed even though we want to make it work. Which areas do you think we should improve in order to make it work?

I have met him for a closure, which he agreed. He said he wanted a break to think about our future goals, but not intended to break up with me. Since I sent that breakup letter, it was official and he didn’t want to do an on-off relationship, especially for his age. Also, he told me we were at different stages in life. He doesn’t know if he wants a life partner, marriage and more children. If he wants to get married, it’ll be in a year of knowing each other. To him, he wants to spend his time for relaxing and traveling, while I’m still pursuing my career goals and won’t be ready to get married in at least 2 years (I think it’s a minimum amount of getting to know each other before marriage). He didn’t think we would have a future together, and he wanted a more experienced person as there was something he could not talk to me about. He said he could do friend with benefits with me, which I refused. Then he said he could only compromised to date me, while we also needed to date others. It won’t be like when we were together, with sleepover and meet every week. I also rejected this option, as it was painful to see him dating others while my feeling still linger on. He also mentioned my career was not stable yet. Well, I make a relatively good salary compared to other in my age range. Of course, it’s no where compared to him, but I can live comfortably by my own with my current salary. He told me if we started again, it would be at least 6 months, contact him then if I still want to be with him. I asked him what about 3 months. He said if only I have dated enough to know what and who I want.

I’m confused as I want to believe his intention is good. Maybe after enough time has passed, I may realize we aren’t meant for each other. But right now, I’m just heart broken and the breakup repeats over and over in my mind. I don’t know why I’m willing to compromise the fact that he has children and I will never be a top priority, but he cannot compromise my relationship experiences. I have a hard time to swallow the fact that there’d be no chance to start again. Even though I know it’s unhealthy for me to keep false hope.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Alan.
• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Alan.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your sharing and advice.

I tried blocking all my thought about him as I feel it’s pretty pathetic and I don’t even know what kind of feeling it is. It’s certainly not love. Because love is built over time, not just a rush of hormone. If it was infatuation, it should have ended by now, and why did I even get jealous of him getting another girl? My brain tells me he’s not the one. No matter what circumstances are, a guy feels ‘meh’ about me shouldn’t deserve me. But this rational thought is buried in the foolish heart.

You’re probably right! I may be just in love with the idea of him and how relationship turns out to be. If giving more time, when all of these illusion gets weaker, I will fall out of feelings for him. I don’t know why I can understand it, I think I’m strong enough (I didn’t beg or even cry after we broke up) but still cannot accept this truth. Maybe my self-esteem is not as good as I thought.

I talked to my family, my friends, got myself in gym, spent time playing sports, hung out and got involved into hobbies that I abandoned long time ago. But whenever I’m alone, the sadness and loneliness starts emerging. I think the only way to get out of it is keeping busy all the time and being in social events more.