Hi Cee,

Your date sounds just like the guy I recently dated (which state are you at, if you don’t mind me asking?). He also just got out of long term relationship just a month before we met. At the beginning, everything seemed perfect between us. There was a lot of affection, attention and care. I also was introduced to his circle of friends and his siblings. I should recognize that was a red flag as things moved kinda fast. But I was inexperienced and thought it was just we’re so great together and things evolved naturally. Therefore, after into a month or two of dating, I noticed he became distant and he mentioned he did not look for a long term relationship at one point. He also revealed to me that he still had some residual feelings for his ex, although they could not get back together due to their differences. In addition, he was undergoing job issues at the moment. I don’t know if it’s the reason, or just the combination of everything, he ended breaking up with me. We haven’t contacted since and it’s been a month.

It’s been a really tough time for me at the beginning, as I constantly tried explaining or finding excuses his actions through my clouded judgement. A friend of mine kept telling me he didn’t like or care about me. It’s just his act to get me into hookup or friend with benefits (we didn’t have sex yet) agreement, but gradually gave up since I didn’t seem to change my mind. She also stated that if a guy is really into you, he wouldn’t even think about his ex and his job wouldn’t be a big problem. If he really likes you, he’d be afraid of losing you and thus, want to nail you down as soon as possible. It makes sense. It’s just… I was hoping what she said wasn’t true, because I would feel like I was just nothing to him.

Cee, there’s really not much things we can do in these circumstances. The best way is letting time tell you the answer. It may or may not the answer we want but until then, we can only focus on ourselves.  People tell me to move on and date others. But I just give my heart a break to regain emotions and only date when I feel I’m ready.

Best of luck,

For you and me

Hi Cee,

I’m sorry, I’m late in replying..I am new on here. It looks like you got some great answers. So, I won’t make this long. But I have been in your situation many times, and always so tired of broken heart. I had a wide friend tell me, never invest more time or energy on someone then they do on you. Another wide thing they told me, is not to ask for love, attention or affection, for if it not given freely, it is not worth having. I hope things get better for you.

He is heartbroken and he feels a void inside of him, so he was trying to fill that void with you. He misses the presence of his ex and what they had, and now he is trying to cope with that by creating and rushing a connection with you so he can be over his last relationship and not feel heartbroken anymore. I think you should not think of a future with him, it’s so unfair for both of you. Find someone who is not trying to recover from his last relationship and someone who is not heartbroken.

@cee Hi there and I hope this is not too late to post or give advice. From my experience it is best to let go of someone who is going through a rough time with himself and for the sake of both you and him it’s better to be an encouraging person to him when you can but do not expect anything more or less. I’ll ask you this. Are you happy with yourself right now? Are you going through any heartbreak with yourself? or do you just want the comfort and company of someone who you thought was a good match? If you can answer these honestly then there are your answers. If you’re worried about this guy because you care then that’s okay but if you’re only wanting him to snap out of his phase and come back to you then I don’t think it’s right because a relationship cannot be establish if both parties are not happy with themselves first. If he doesn’t work out then that’s okay. You just continue with your life and doing things that make you happy and I promise you the right guy will come along when you least expect it and he won’t have any issues with himself because he’ll already be happy. I hope that helps!

Hey Cee,

This is coming from a heartbroken man who is also pulling away – not from a relationship per se, but from relationships as a whole. I hope this gives you a different perspective over what is happening or happened. And just to fill you in, I’ve just come out of a very intense and problematic relationship.

I don’t think there’s a rule of thumb for every man out there, but I related myself to his situation because it’s very alike to my own, and I also like to think about individuals and try the best not to generalize situations. So, as my Yoga instructor says during a guided meditation “remain lucid and awaken to hear everything I say but filter and assimilate only what you want (or you agree with)”.

From what I read and was able to understand, he is going in and out of the emotional limbo, where he is at the same time unavailable but hopeful, yet maybe he has just realized with you the responsibility of bonding with someone who wants a serious relationship, and how much his breakup has affected him. In other words, he lost the will and the way, but haven’t lost the faith – it’s just lost in him.

It’s healthy though challenging looking inward in situations like these. I totally relate. I also think that’s admirable that he was able to be honest with you and say what was really going on, and more than that, allowing you to be free. I believe it’s an opportunity to breathe deeply and think to yourself that it is also an opportunity to feel grateful for something that’s uncomfortable to you. Adversity can also be appreciated when we disconnect from our expectations and wants.

As for him, I will say what I’ve been telling myself, which is “this might take some time, man, don’t sweat”. I know it’s a process that might take a (longer) while and that also I’ve gotta be self-conscious about it, otherwise there will be no gains from it – only frustration, expectation, comparison and attachment. Even though I’ve tried  opening myself to new relationships they never felt quite right in any way. What I’ve come to realize and is very valuable is that I first must fully heal to be able to give all the love I have inside myself to someone and start brand new, different, and better. I figure that you must also feel frustrated by the outcome of it all. Take your time to recover. Be honest with yourself i.e. if you feel like you should wait, do it! If you feel you should let go, let it go! Whatever it is you choose to do, do it by heart, do it willing, conscious and happily. No expectations. Be mindful that the outcome involves someone else so you should focus on what YOU can do exclusively, which is following your heart and being honest with yourself so you can put your head on the pillow at night and not think “what if?”. Keep yourself open to new opportunities (if you feel like it). By the way, he’s been working so much so that he can take his mind off that subject, it’s a distraction, but also necessary and maybe he’ll get something good out of it, like a promotion, a raise, recognition etc. He really really likes you, though, because he thought about your well-being when deciding to let you be free and not staling you because of his indecision.

I hope this finds you well and that it helps in some way. You can do it! Or as I like to say – You’ve already did it, you just need to understand it. 🙂

I have had this situation.  He wasn’t as honest as your man.  I tried harder.  It hurt worse.  I lost self respect and he confessed to me having feelings but just needed time.  He was mad a women because of what one women did.  And I was an easy target once I didn’t back away, didn’t stop sleeping with him and didn’t get back to my own passions.  It’s one of the most biggest regrets.  To not have held myself honorably when someone else wasn’t able or willing to.