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alana

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #40117

    alana
    Participant

    oh and I should also add that I am a single mother of two boys and I know kids do as we do so I want them to grow to love themselves and never feel about themselves as I have my whole life…..its such a struggle

    #40116

    alana
    Participant

    I can completey relate…I have so much I wish I could write but I just don’t have it in me to write anything right now but trust me, I can totally relate….I never knew about that body disorder…I have always been diagnosed as depressed, anxiety disorder, alcoholic, drug addict, Ptsd…but it all stems from the hate I carry around for myself….I have always hated everything about me….as a kid my mom was verbally abusive so she used to call me ugly and tell me I would never be as pretty as she was and my father wanted absolutely nothing to do with me but he wanted my brother…since childhood I have been through so many bad things in life…I draw abusive people to me…I really cant believe that I am 40years old and I have so much hate for myself still…inside and out especially….it hurts so bad to hate yourself and to be so uncomfortable in your own skin….its horrible…so trust me, you are not alone 🙂 if you ever want to talk or text, my name is Alana and my number is 4138852088 and my email is alana_cooley@yahoo.com

    #39152

    alana
    Participant

    Matt, I wanted to ask you , if I’m not being too nosy, if I am just tell me to mind my own business…lol…but I wanted to ask like when did you start learning about Buddhism and for how long?? I really find it to be , so far, the most …ummmm, how should I say…the most close to what I believe and think and feel….like it makes the most sense to me…Ive always been searching for something that I was missing ….I went as far as to become a Mormon…I did that because I thought it would keep me clean and sober. It didn’t. but anyway, I don’t find anything that I am looking for within churches or religions…None of it sits well with me at all. When I startined reading about Buddhism and things like meditation and mindfulness, I started to learn that what I have been searching for all my life isn’t “out there”…. and I was looking at it the wrong way…I just wanted something to make me “better” and everything I tried in the ways of religion have failed. But I really want to learn more about Buddhism…do you have any suggestions for me?? I know I don’t know you but what you have written me in this forum has helped me a lot…and I like reading your messages 🙂 so if you have any suggestions for me please let me know 🙂 thank you Matt 🙂

    #39151

    alana
    Participant

    Matt, I just spent almost an hour writing and sharing some stuff with you and I lost it all…I guess it wasn’t meant to be shared today…I cant believe that , its so upsetting when you type and spill out so much and with one hit of the wrong button, it’s gone. lol…I guess maybe I was meant to type all that I did for my own self revelation…

    #39108

    alana
    Participant

    I was feeling much better. I stopped the Adderall and after a few days of total tiredness, I felt much better. I now know that it was the addereall making me feel sick and tired all the time…from taking it, stopping it, and taking it my body and brain chemistry was like a yo yo.. I had resolved to stay away from Adderall all together and I was feeling very good. But today I failed again. Someone offered me Adderall and all my resolve went out the window.. It so frustrating cause I know what I have to do but I keep making the wrong decisions when it comes to pills. I really wish I had more spiritually minded people around me….I really want to get better…..I really am interested in Buddhism and I want to learn more about meditating and things like that but I don’t have people in my life that share my interest in learning more about the spiritual side of life….I know the answers for all my struggles are inside of me…not in pills or anything else outside of me but instead of doing work on the inside I keep falling for the lie that my answers are outside…I don’t know if I made any sense ….

    #38522

    alana
    Participant

    thank you so much 🙂 I am feeling a little bit better. NO more substances 🙂 I am just going to keep my mind positive and when I start getting negative feelings, I will change them to positive. I really really like this siite…I really feel that I can tell honestly how I feel and I wont be judged. I thank you so much for the responses 🙂 its nice to feel that some one cares 🙂

    #38249

    alana
    Participant

    Thank you all for your feedback 🙂 its nice to see positive feedback..but I am not feeling too good about myself right now. I have been dealing with incredible fatigue….absolutely no energy at all….I came in contact with another woman who has problems being tired…she takes Adderall…I started taking it so I could just function…Im very mad and disappointed in myself. very disappointed. I just wish I could be a normal person who wakes up in the morning and is functional… I would give anything just to be a normal person who didn’t always resort to some sort of substance to make me better. I have been using substances to ” make myself better” since I was eight years old….now I am forty and no matter what I do, I come back to this spot of using substances to fix me in some way. I have really been working hard at changing my life and becoming healthy mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally…..I just think that I will never be ok with the way I am….it’s exhausting….I just want to be normal….I don’t want to be an addict anymore, I don’t want to be depressed anymore, I don’t want to be my worst enemy anymore….I really believe that we create our lives and bring forth everything in it, good and bad. and I think that I am just such a negative person througth and through that I will always bring only negativity into my life….I am totally aware of it …I listen to my self talk and the tapes that play in my head…but its just so deeply engrained that I don’t think I will ever be able to change it…see right there, negativitity…I guess I just have to keep going forward…I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore….any more suggestions ?? I want to stop my pattern of always resorting to a substance to “make myself better” and just accept myself and life for what it is…I am grateful that my life is a lot better than it used to be…I just have to get back on track…the right track….I know one thing for sure, I will never give up moving my life in a positive direction….I may I take a few steps backwards but I will always keep trying to move forward for my children …..I want a better life for my children …. I want to give them everything that I never got……I don’t mean just in the material sense…I want them to love themselves…be happy with who they are…I don’t want them to live like I have…with negativity and self-loathing. It’s a very painful and tiring thing to hate yourself inside and out….I never want my children to know the pain that I have known….I love my children more than life itself and need to be a power of example so they know that they can overcome any adversity that they may have in life….I want them to be whole human beings and love themselves inside and out…..I want them also to be proud of their mother…..I want them to look at me and be proud….I want them to be able to look back some day and really see that I did my absolute best I could…..I want to be able to look back with fewer regrets than I have right now….I want my steps forward to out number my steps backward….I need to start loving who I am for them to love who they are…I have learned from my children that they don’t learn from what we tell them, they learn from what we do. I may sound like I am just rambling on and on but I feel like as I wrote this a light bulb went off in my head and I now know what I need to do….I need to stop being to incredibly hard onmyself , stop being my own worst enemy and cut myself a little slack and just get moving forward again. Everything I just wrote may make no sense to whom ever is reading it but writing my thoughts like this helped me see things in a new way…this was very good for me ….very good 🙂 thanks for having this website available and for letting me write openly and honestly without the fear of judgement 🙂 Thank You 🙂

    #37866

    alana
    Participant

    Thank you so much for all the feed back…Emily, Aruni and Matt. I am so glad I found this site and decided to share. I don’t have many people in my life that I can share things like this with…or I should say, I don’t have very many people in my life that would give me positive feedback. I really can not thank all of you enough for taking the time to respond to my post. I am very tired…I don’t sleep well, that is why I am up at 1:45 am. I will write more tomorrow. Thank you all so much !! 🙂

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)