July 23, 2013 at 9:21 pm #39108
I was feeling much better. I stopped the Adderall and after a few days of total tiredness, I felt much better. I now know that it was the addereall making me feel sick and tired all the time…from taking it, stopping it, and taking it my body and brain chemistry was like a yo yo.. I had resolved to stay away from Adderall all together and I was feeling very good. But today I failed again. Someone offered me Adderall and all my resolve went out the window.. It so frustrating cause I know what I have to do but I keep making the wrong decisions when it comes to pills. I really wish I had more spiritually minded people around me….I really want to get better…..I really am interested in Buddhism and I want to learn more about meditating and things like that but I don’t have people in my life that share my interest in learning more about the spiritual side of life….I know the answers for all my struggles are inside of me…not in pills or anything else outside of me but instead of doing work on the inside I keep falling for the lie that my answers are outside…I don’t know if I made any sense ….July 24, 2013 at 6:36 am #39126MattParticipant
I’m really excited and happy for the growth that you’ve been going through! You seem to be being a bit hard on yourself, calling yourself weak and relapsing and so on because of the adderall. Its OK and fine for you to let go of the self-doubt, its what Buddha called a second arrow!
When we make a decision that produces harm, it is like an arrow shot into our body. You already saw that in the way adderall made you feel sick and tired. Then, on top of that the mind attacks itself for getting hit with the arrow. It is as though another arrow strikes alongside the first! So now, not only does the loving Alana with a heart full of children feel sick and tired, but also sick with doubt and worry.
We don’t need that second arrow once we see the first arrow! Said differently, you know how adderall makes you feel icky, and if you just sit with that then the desire to take it again will fade. The whole “why did I do that again?” has a much simpler and truer answer than “Alana is broken somehow”. Your concentration waned, and you made a mindless decision. It happens to all of us.
This is why they say Buddhism is a practice. We sit on the cushion and nourish our inner stability. As soon as we get up from the cushion, our meditative concentration begins to wane as we engage with the busy hubbub of the world. That’s when what we’ve learned and developed on the cushion is put to the test.
You’re far stronger than you know, and less broken than you believe. It is normal to become swept into doing things we know is incorrect for our well being. When we accept that, after we get back to the cushion, those dumb decisions become fuel. It is said that breakdown+awareness=breakthrough. Said differently, as you slip into old habits with your eyes open, you experience a painfulness that motivates you to not do it again. The more you fall, the more pain, the more fuel, the more momentum to stop the habit. Its like freedom algebra!
Another way of looking at it is that from our own perspective it seems like a circle… we rise and fall over and over. However, it only looks like a circle. Its actually an upward spiral, and we move from sun (inner potency) to moon (self reflection) again and again as we grow. You’re doing great, just keep going. Next time someone offers you a chance to fall back into painfulness and tiredness, you’ll have a lot more strength to say no thanks. After all, how many times does it take before we stop burning our hand in the fire? It depends on how much you love that hand!
So take heart, keep moving, growing, loving. You’re on a great path Alana, have some pride! Its normal and acceptable that you slip a little here and there, just make sure you let the spiral continue to grow up instead of down. Namaste.
MattJuly 25, 2013 at 12:18 am #39151
Matt, I just spent almost an hour writing and sharing some stuff with you and I lost it all…I guess it wasn’t meant to be shared today…I cant believe that , its so upsetting when you type and spill out so much and with one hit of the wrong button, it’s gone. lol…I guess maybe I was meant to type all that I did for my own self revelation…July 25, 2013 at 12:28 am #39152
Matt, I wanted to ask you , if I’m not being too nosy, if I am just tell me to mind my own business…lol…but I wanted to ask like when did you start learning about Buddhism and for how long?? I really find it to be , so far, the most …ummmm, how should I say…the most close to what I believe and think and feel….like it makes the most sense to me…Ive always been searching for something that I was missing ….I went as far as to become a Mormon…I did that because I thought it would keep me clean and sober. It didn’t. but anyway, I don’t find anything that I am looking for within churches or religions…None of it sits well with me at all. When I startined reading about Buddhism and things like meditation and mindfulness, I started to learn that what I have been searching for all my life isn’t “out there”…. and I was looking at it the wrong way…I just wanted something to make me “better” and everything I tried in the ways of religion have failed. But I really want to learn more about Buddhism…do you have any suggestions for me?? I know I don’t know you but what you have written me in this forum has helped me a lot…and I like reading your messages 🙂 so if you have any suggestions for me please let me know 🙂 thank you Matt 🙂