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alara

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  • August 24, 2017 at 6:34 pm #165526
    alara
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    Hey,

    Try and sort everything else out in your life first. You cannot rely on another person for stability or happiness. I have to tell myself this a lot too, and it has helped me through break ups. If you try and sort yourself out in all other aspects, work on yourself, your happiness,  on your financial and logistical situation, on your other aspects of life, making friends (you’re using couchsurfing and I met many great friends through couchsurfing so don’t feel alone!), having hobbies or things that you enjoy. Meeting new people, whether friends, flirts or just to interact is also very good for your confidence and being sociable in a time when internally you feel alone. If you work on this, then you’re in a better place to have a relationship in the first place.

    Through this process, two things can be happening. On the one hand, you’re positively acting constructively for yourself, and not relying on another person for your own well-being. On the other hand, you automatically become a more attractive person to be with, and that includes potentially eventually for the girl you love. Regardless of the drunken mistake (which is very painful for her), I think the problems would have come to a head at some point if everything was so intense plus you only took the job for her. Speaking from experience. Don’t keep thinking you’ve blown it all because of the drunken mistake. But nevertheless you can learn that about yourself and become more aware of your drinking and that behaviour.

    It’s time to give yourself time and energy to try and turn things around yourself -if it helps keep it at the back of your mind that once you’ve dealt with yourself you maybe can get back together in the future- until the point that you feel good on your own. It takes time, but honestly I think it’s the most constructive way to deal with the heart break pain and give yourself a chance.

     

    August 24, 2017 at 6:09 pm #165522
    alara
    Participant

    Hi Milena,

    Who initiated that you got back together after 3 months apart? I would be interested in how that happened and his reasons for after a few months of ‘living his life’ as he liked without the “burden”, agreeing to get back together.

    If he is acting this way; prioritising his friends, criticising you, not respecting or listening to your feelings or attitudes, not only is it cruel and selfish but you need to ask him what he even wants or expects from a relationship. And truly, if you’re going to have any hope together you need to talk openly about this and ask him directly if he loves you, and if he says he does then he needs to care about your feelings and show it.

    Personally I wouldn’t be able to tolerate being treated that way. I don’t know any more details of your relationship and intimacy but I would feel used for whatever or whenever it suits him, with your preferences ignored. I also wouldn’t put up with so much drinking and immaturity. As others have said, he may  be young and want to have his fun, but if you don’t like that lifestyle you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Instead you could find somebody more suited for you and more mature. (with time)

    You said he is continually hurting you, not calling you, disregarding you. If you don’t end this relationship, the pain and hurt will continue. I am in the midst of an ending relationship this moment (it’s why I’m on this forum), it’s not the first time but inside everything is crying and begging to do anything to get back or stay with him. I feel I can’t bear the pain, and I don’t want to start again, throw away all our relationship, lose someone so close and important to me. So I understand the suffering you are feeling, have felt, and will feel. But you need to talk to him very very openly and clearly. Truly listen and find out whether you believe he really cares for you. If he isn’t able to care enough, as it seems so far from your message, if he isn’t able to to listen, understand discuss and compromise sensibly on the issues, you need to take the initiative and end it. Of course it’s impossibly painful but it’s painful anyway as you say.

    The only vague comfort perhaps is the thought that at some point in the future you may have another beautiful relationship but that can’t happen until this ends. A necessary pain

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