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Does he really love me?

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 weeks ago.

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  • #165222

    Milena
    Participant

    Firstly, I really would like to apolagise for my english (if I make some mistakes) because I am from Austria.

    I have registered here because I have seen that you all are very welcoming and helpfull to people who have a problem and I want closure for mine.

    I have a long-term (and also long-distance) relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years. Problems arrived when he broke up with me 5 months ago (we got together 2 months later). His reasons for the breakup were a nonsense to me, and I was really hurt that he wanted to end our relationship.

     

    He is 22, and I am 21. He wanted a break from our relationship because he wanted to “live his life”. He wanted to drink, party and meet his frends, without a burden (that burden was me). He has had a big fight with his parents and he also wanted to earn money and move out. His suggestion was for us to take a 6-month-break (!), but I couldn’t do it and he just broke up.

     

    Last time we were together before he broke up (we see each other every other month for a week or two), he left he home alone and went drinking and having fun with his friends. He was always available for his friends, they could call him at 6 am. and he would go leaving me alone in bed. I was with him for a week and he went out every night, for couple of hours (he told me he will be back in 2 hours and stayed for 5 hours). When I confronted him, he told me that I am not his mother and he is allowed to do whatever he wants. He also told me that I am very annoying and that I am not enough feminine for him.

     

    We got back together 2 months ago, and he hasn’t changed his behaviour. He still goes out all the time and he doesn’t call me. He leaves me alone at home and goes out with his friend. I am very hurt because he always answers his phone when his friends call him, but he is not that available to me. He is convincing me that I behave like a old lady and that his going out and drinking is completely normal. I get that, but isn’t he a bit exaggerating?

     

    I still don’t believe him because he once broke up with me, and he is doing nothing to convince me of his love and devotion. I really need your help.

     

     

     

    #165256

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Milena,

    I’m sorry to say this, but this man is not your boyfriend, but your roommate. He is disrespectful of you, verbally abuses you, and is not ready to be in a long term committed relationship with anyone, except for anyone except his drinking buddies. He may be young right now, but one day he is going to wake up alone, his “drinking” buddies have gotten older, perhaps married or have girlfriends, and he will wonder what happened. He does not sound like he is going to change, grow, or even wants to change and settle down. I think you should kick this roommate out, and find a healthy, loving, respectful man who will treat you well, and make you feel happy and loved.

    #165260

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Milena:

    You wrote that your boyfriend “had a big fight with his parents and he also wanted to earn money and move out”- did he move out from his parents’ home or is he still living there?

    You wrote: “He wanted a break from our relationship because he wanted to ‘live his life’. He wanted to drink, party and meet his friends, without a burden (that burden was me)”-

    It reads to me that he is not out of his parents’ home and has not lived independently yet, which is not uncommon for a 22 year old young man these days. He sees you as a parent figure, someone who tells him what to do, someone who wants him home at a certain time, and he doesn’t want that parental-like control, a burden to him.

    He wants a girlfriend but he is not yet independent so he is confused about having a girlfriend vs. a parent. He sees a reasonable request from a girlfriend as an intrusion by a parent who tries to control him and “rain on his parade”, interrupt his time with his friends.

    You asked “Does he really love me?”- I think he needs to live independently before this question can be answered.

    anita

    #165522

    alara
    Participant

    Hi Milena,

    Who initiated that you got back together after 3 months apart? I would be interested in how that happened and his reasons for after a few months of ‘living his life’ as he liked without the “burden”, agreeing to get back together.

    If he is acting this way; prioritising his friends, criticising you, not respecting or listening to your feelings or attitudes, not only is it cruel and selfish but you need to ask him what he even wants or expects from a relationship. And truly, if you’re going to have any hope together you need to talk openly about this and ask him directly if he loves you, and if he says he does then he needs to care about your feelings and show it.

    Personally I wouldn’t be able to tolerate being treated that way. I don’t know any more details of your relationship and intimacy but I would feel used for whatever or whenever it suits him, with your preferences ignored. I also wouldn’t put up with so much drinking and immaturity. As others have said, he may  be young and want to have his fun, but if you don’t like that lifestyle you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Instead you could find somebody more suited for you and more mature. (with time)

    You said he is continually hurting you, not calling you, disregarding you. If you don’t end this relationship, the pain and hurt will continue. I am in the midst of an ending relationship this moment (it’s why I’m on this forum), it’s not the first time but inside everything is crying and begging to do anything to get back or stay with him. I feel I can’t bear the pain, and I don’t want to start again, throw away all our relationship, lose someone so close and important to me. So I understand the suffering you are feeling, have felt, and will feel. But you need to talk to him very very openly and clearly. Truly listen and find out whether you believe he really cares for you. If he isn’t able to care enough, as it seems so far from your message, if he isn’t able to to listen, understand discuss and compromise sensibly on the issues, you need to take the initiative and end it. Of course it’s impossibly painful but it’s painful anyway as you say.

    The only vague comfort perhaps is the thought that at some point in the future you may have another beautiful relationship but that can’t happen until this ends. A necessary pain

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