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AlessaParticipantHow I view you hasn’t changed Anita. I still see your inherent goodness. ❤️
AlessaParticipantOnce you see blame as difficulty interpreting and navigating a naturally complex situation and an immediate focus on what is right in front of you to explain this phenomenon. It doesn’t have quite the same impact. ❤️
AlessaParticipantWhy do I care deeply about these things?
Well, I have learned a lot about communication. Once you see hurtful communication as a misunderstanding or coming from a place where their needs are not being met and craving for their needs to be met it makes you want to treat them with kindness.
Of course, it is still important to have boundaries and take care of yourself. ❤️
AlessaParticipantSadly life is messy and people can be hurt by just about anything. ❤️
AlessaParticipantThere are kinder ways to express genuine feelings. It is perfectly healthy to say. I worry that these things are not true. Not the same connotations as asserting that these things are not true. One involves an assumption about another person. The other is a fear that may or may not be true. It is okay to have fears. Everyone does. ❤️
AlessaParticipantI just really genuinely care about not hurting people and showing them respect, even when I’m hurt.
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
It is okay that you don’t understand me and doubt my authenticity. People do that especially when others are different. I can be hurt and care about people at the same time. I’m confident in that. What you just said hurts. I am able to take care of myself though. The sting of rejection will fade and I will be okay. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
I’m working on patience regarding conflict, people have their own feeling, needs and ways of dealing with things. Patience is something that I struggle with. I am keen always to resolve things quickly. I don’t like living with unresolved conflict. I prefer to face it and address it head on. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I hope you have a lovely holiday! ❤️
That’s great to hear you are setting boundaries with your mother. It is a shame that she doesn’t take them too well. Sadly, expected.
My adopted mother didn’t take me setting boundaries very well either. It ultimately led to communication fizzling out. It is a shame, but I learned to invest only the level of effort the other person is willing to put into the relationship.
Hmm I think I have what some might consider a bit of an odd perspective. I don’t really think in terms of right or wrong anymore. I try to look behind at the need that is being expressed and understand the other person’s emotional experience.
My son doesn’t like being told what to do. When he is asked not to do something he complains and I reassure him. It is like he instinctively worries, does this mean I’ve done something wrong? After I reassure him, he is okay. He just wants to know that he hasn’t done anything wrong (I teach him that mistakes are okay and allowed) and he is still a good boy.
Guilt is something that for me has been self-punitive and I try not to indulge.
Obviously, needs, feelings and boundaries are still important. I do think it is important to understand and care about these things for ourselves and others.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that I have done anything “wrong” persay. My culture is like Canada, we apologise for anything. It is just showing care and courtesy for someone’s feelings.
For example, my sister broke up with her boyfriend. Oh, no! I’m so sorry.
You don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s experience, but I find that showing care for people when they are hurt, even when they lash out is important. I have found that it facilitates communication. Anger begets anger, but meeting anger with kindness can soften it.
I think the difficulty comes in, is if your mother is unwilling to meet your needs and boundaries. Like mine sadly was. Then you have to consider how much you want to invest in your relationship with her.
The way my therapist said it was, think of her as someone who is sick and don’t expect much.
I don’t know much about your Mother or your experiences with her. I don’t know what she is like. How willing is she to adapt and change? Does she listen to your feelings at all?
It is honestly hard work though and pretty tough to do these things. It’s taken me a long time to figure out. I’m still learning. I need to work on being more patient because I do still make mistakes.
Take care, wishing you all the best! ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
So good to see you! What a lovely surprise. 🥰
AlessaParticipantHi Thomas
It is okay, mistakes happen. You didn’t know what she had been through. Please don’t worry! I think you’ve done a great job talking to other people. Your voice is very much welcome and appreciated here. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Thomas
You still haven’t read her story yet fully have you? I suggested it for a very important reason.
Yes, her foster family beat her. She was also raped going to and leaving school. No wonder she skipped school and didn’t want to go home.
When std tests are forced upon a minor, that is sexual assault in my book. For a woman, that involves inserting a swab and even involve a physical examination. These are delicate and sensitive procedures at the best of times. Now imagine it being forced on you. It would be particularly traumatising after what Laven has been through.
She was a child. Children make mistakes, it is natural. Especially ones who have been through huge amounts of trauma. It is okay to make mistakes.
It might seem like complaining to you. But this might be the first time Laven has told her story from start to finish. For people who have been through severe trauma, connecting with the memories deeply can stop them from reoccurring compulsively. Repetition comes from avoidance of the painful memories.
I understand your desire to give helpful advice, but sometimes context is very important. This is only one page of her story. She wasn’t a delinquent child. She was just a scared, traumatised and lonely one.
AlessaParticipantYou inspired me to write something too!
Darkness and light
Darkness shrouds the sky, screaming in silence.
It is enough to drive one mad.
Nothing but darkness.
Eternal.What is darkness without light?
Nothing? Half a thing?No shadows without light.
No darkness without sight.
Or eternal darkness?
Madness.—
Clouds part.
Sunlight peeks through.The sky brightens.
A grim day no longer.
Breathe it in.The light is beautiful.
It reveals all.Embracing.
The heart lifts.
Gently warming.Two halves of the whole.
One tempers the other.
Not as separate as one might think.Hand in hand,
all is bearable.
A fragile glow against the coming night.Darkness and light, forever hand in hand?
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
I can’t get enough of your stories! Keep them coming (when you are in the mood). I do like the quotes you share you always have excellent taste, but what I like most is hearing your voice. ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that you feel discouraged by events of the world. Even though there is darkness in the world, there is also light. Good people like yourself make this world special. 😊
AlessaParticipantHi Thomas
You might want to read some of Laven’s other threads before giving your input. She has been through a lot. Honestly, the most trauma I’ve ever heard someone go through. It is a miracle that she is still here with us and a testament to her resilience.
I’m glad that you managed to figure things out and turn your life around and I appreciate your desire to share that experience with others. Perhaps you might like to create a thread of your own and talk about what you’ve learned from your own experiences? ❤️
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AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.