Dear Tee,

Happy New Year! 😊

I haven’t heard from you since October and I’m not sure if you’ve got a chance to read my last message.

How are you feeling? Did you have a nice holiday?

I went to see some of my family and friends. It was a nice festive season but a little bit lonely deep down…

Tee, I have an update on the last man.

It was the man that I’ve met at a religious outing. He’s divorced 3 times but no kids, in his 50s. He relocated 8 months ago to my city and bought an appartment here.

We had a nice 1 meeting and then the 1st dinner date, and after we texted for a while. He said that he enjoyed our date but he didn’t ask me out again.

You advised me to give him a chance and see where it goes. We texted a little bit more and I told him to let me know if the video I’ve sent him was helpful for his stress.

Unfortunately, he did not contact me after that. I decided to wait and see if he will get back to me on that or maybe invite me on another date. I saw him online but no ring, no text.

Then our communication stopped for 3 months. I texted to ask how he was. He told me he moved to another country (for work?) shortly after our date & that he also found love of his life over there at his sister’s dinner party. It was strange as he told me that he is happy in my city & wants to stay here and not really work much because of his health issues. I was surprised that he did not tell me anything before. He did not even ask me how I was for the past 3 months. I was feeling sad but did not overreact. What would you tell him in my place?

I told him that now I understand why he did not write me for such a long time. He replied that life can turn out in a most unexpected ways.

Did I make a mistake by waiting for him and not asking directly if he wants to go out again with me? Was he not interested enough in me or just not sure of my interest level?

Or maybe I scared him by saying that my fiancée passed away many years ago? (afraid that I won’t love again)? He asked if I could ever love someone new. I told him that yes & that divorce is also a death of a relationship but not sure if he thought the same way. Maybe I opened up too much about my past?

Tee, can you help me please to solve this mystery?

Missing you Tee 🤗

Hope all the struggles you had are gone by now or at least lighter than before 🌼

Kind regards & big kiss

Dafne

Hello Jay,

How are you doing these days?

I understand you very well as I do not go out much and also I’m not a social butterfly. The bar scene or night clubs were never my thing.

I think you sacrificed a lot of your time and energy for that women and her children and now is the time that someone new offers it to you.

You should read some of Tee’s suggestions regarding moving on after the relationship (even the super short one) brakes down. It helped me a lot.

Would you recommend me any dating sites in particular? I’m looking for a traditional one. I do not mind someone divorced as long as he doesn’t have any kids. I’ve tried a few before but I did not find anyone with similar values and dreams for the future. I always thought that Internet is the last place to find love but I might give it a try now 🙂

Take care!

Dafne

Dear Tee,

Thank you for taking time to reply despite your health issues 🙏 I appreciate that.

I’m really glad that you’re slowly getting better. I can understand what you’re going through 🫂 For me it was also a mixture of health related issues, emotional struggles with the past & fears for the future.

Recently, my best friend lost her life at a very young age and there was nothing that could be done. We were closer than some family members can ever be. Also my 2 beloved uncles passed away (Covid related) and left a big whole in my life.

It is not easy to make new friendships nowadays and especially when you’re getting older. For me a friend is a very special person and this kind of bond is not easy to find (not like 100 different people you call friends on Facebook who do not even care about you).

I’m trying to forget about that policeman and went out with 1 more man (met him at a church event). Unfortunately, he did not invite me yet for a 2 date (he said let’s stay in touch) but did not physically ask me out. He is divorced 3 times (last divorce 2 years ago), no kids but still thinking about his exes. On our 1 date, he was blaming himself for working too much before and neglecting his ex wife and his health. He had a heart attack and now is obsessed with his health and focused on himself. It is good that he is looking after himself now but is there any space for someone new? I’m not sure. We wrote a few messages and now nothing. I do not want to contact him first as I want to see if he will ask me out again. Is it a good step to take?

Also he is in a good contact with his ex wife’s son from her previous marriage. Maybe with her too? I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for me…

Tee, I’m really sorry to hear that you went through so much pain when you were a child (and still are) 😞 It resonates very much with my own story, my father and the consequences of his actions. Before I ,met’ you, I was not aware that a parent can have such a tremendous impact on a child’s future romantic life and long term health.

We need to move on somehow but what if we never succeed to forget and forgive? What if this anxiety and fear won’t go away for good? It is so hard to fill that void inside…

The worst thing is that they won’t change and will only hurt us more and more. My father remarried with a much younger women (she has a daughter from her previous marriage). This woman doesn’t care about him and divorced him. Apparently they are not financially divorced as it is better that way. For who? Definitely not for his only daughter (as my uncle used to say). My father said that he can finalise his divorce if I get the piece of land (otherwise his wife might take everything). I told him that I do not wish to get involved and the land should be a gift not a business deal. He messed up my life well enough and now wants to continue. It also seems like he is not doing well financially right now and complains a lot about money. I can’t trust anything he says and his intention with me. Could it be that bad?

Another sad thing is that even if I want to go and see him or stay at his place, I need to ask his ex wife’s permission as she and her daughter still visit (she owns half of the house after divorce) and they stay at his other place too. Why is that? Is he planning to stay not completely divorced forever? It is really messy…

Thank you Tee for opening my eyes for another abuse from him. He is using the spiritual talk as an excuse for his bad or non existent parenting and avoiding any responsibility. And he is doing nothing to make up for all those years.

I hope something will change in our life very soon. I pray for us 🙏 and that we are strong enough to stay on this Earth and be able to enjoy it 🌷🌼

I hope to hear from you soon Tee and I wish for lots of health.

Warm greetings & big hug for you 🫂

Hello Jay,

Thank you for your reply.

You’re right about not wanting a woman with a child. It is a healthy choice.

I believe single parents should only date other single parents based on my experiences. Single people dating single parents have a lot of drama/issues & I do not want to deal with the children, the children mother, the children mother family, etc. for the rest of my life. I want a simple & quiet life.

You will never be #1 to her. Her child (even adult children = grandkids etc.) is the ‘most important thing to her in the world’ aka not you. It also means a piece of her former relationship(s) never goes away.

I’m a bit older than you 🙂 but I’ve never been married before as I did not want to settle for less.

I always wanted to have a family on my own but not just with anybody.

It’s nice to know there are still men out there who are decent and looking for the same things.

What qualities are you looking for in a life partner? And how do you usually meet women?

Have a lovely day! 🌼

Dafne

Dear Tee,

Thank you for your message and your kind wishes. I’m really sorry not to reply sooner but I wasn’t well for a long time. I’ve got a very bad Covid which knocked me down for a long time. Also more problems came to my life as I could not help my elderly. It caused a lot of tension and I just emotionally ‘froze’ as I was not able to deal with it at that moment.

Anyways, on a positive note, I am a bit better now. Dr. said I got the long term one and need to look after myself more.

Tee, how are you these days? Are you going on any holidays?

I agree with everything you said in your last post. Yes, I’ve tried one Christian website in the past but all matches lived too far away and did not want to travel to see me 🙈

Once I feel and look better 😆 I will try some new webpages. Do you have any specific suggestion?

Also, have you ever been to India? I’ve heard it is a very spiritual country and marriage is sacred. I also heard that most marriages are arranged so not many prospects my age are left. I’ve tried some spiritual websites but it seems like everyone is talking only about massages and Tantra 😄 🤣

Have a lovely day Tee!

Hope to hear from you soon.

Warm wishes

Dafne 💓🪷🌼

Dear Roberta,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. That’s a really wise phrase. Some patterns keep repeating in my life and I am accepting too little from those men.

I also realised that it might be the way I speak with men. You can see my example with the last man in my email above. I should not be too serious too soon (saying that I’m looking for dates, affection, feelings before sex) as it may scare them away. I do not understand how men think and they take me for granted very quickly. Maybe the right approach would be to say that I’m just looking to meet new people? Maybe to say I’m not looking for anything in particular? I realised that the first few meetings are the most important moments and even one small mistake can ruin it all (especially if the man is recently divorced).
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I’ll have a look at the poem you recommended and the ways how to create the healthy independence. It is not easy to find the right balance in life but I’ll try to apply it (if I ever get a chance to meet someone new).</p>
Have a good day Roberta 🪻🌞

Kind greetings 🙏

Dafne

Dear Tee,

How are you doing these day? Do you feel any better? 🌼

Thank you for taking time to reply to my message. I might be too emotional to see the things the way you do. It feels like something is pushing me towards him to help him in his struggle. I just can’t let him go…

I even spoke with one of our priests as he asked me again if I already found someone to spend my life with. I explained the situation and he adviced me to give it a last shot. He said that I can choose to never contact him again or I can give him a last chance and call him asking to meet just as friends. I should try to call him few times and if he doesn’t answer, to delete him from my life forever. No looking back…

Tee, what do you think? I know that you said to forget him but would you change your mind after hearing this suggestion from a priest?

I took your advice about the healing to my heart, and I will do my best to try it and not give up on my life just yet. I do not have many reasons to stay on this Earth if not for the elderly I want to help.

I’m grateful that the Universe has sent me an angel like you to give me hope. Also Roberta was kind enough to give me her perspective.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Thank you 🌷🙏

Have a good night

Dafne

Dear Tee,

I’m sorry to hear that you are not well. I hope you will feel better soon 💓

Thank you for your kind words of consolation and explaining the dynamics of the relationships. I can understand now that it is not always about having sex too soon but more about the people and emotions involved. Don’t worry about being too blunt, as it helps me see the things exactly as they are. I appreciate it.

We never spoke about those matters at home and anything sexual was quite shameful and avoided to talk about. I felt closed off emotionally and physically all my life and was afraid of romantic relationships. On top of that I always longed for a loving father and a loving husband eventually. To be honest this feeling was so strong that I can’t live my life fully and it also affects my health badly.

I had no chance to do my list as I am still trying to recover emotionally from my yesterday’s experience. You will not believe what happened…

I walking on the street and I saw the last guy. He did not see me so I decided to go after him and see if he will want to talk.

He was very surprised to see me. The conversation was a bit awkward but he gave some answers I was looking for. He explained that he decided to not reply as he did not want to hurt me. I told him that his silence hurts even more.

Then I asked why he did not want to stay in touch. Basically he was not happy that I wasn’t sexually ‘wild’ with him (when he invited me to his house last time). He expected more to happen and what he did is not enough for him. At some point he was quite explicit with his words and things he expected that evening. Got totaly emotional and said his ex was like that, very sexual and wild (she has a daughter from a previous relationship and apparently lots of experience). Then I asked if I reminded him of her. So he took his phone and showed me their pictures from travels and wedding video. I did not know if I should smile or cry. His hands were shaking, started to smoke and said he doesn’t feel like going out, talking, doing things together, no yoga, no walks. He just wants to be there for his son but is open to meet me without going out.

Then he asked me when was the last time I slept with a man and did not like the fact that I was not experienced in those matters. Also tried to have a pick at my décolleté but I refused. He said: ‘You see, you do not let me do anything and you expect me to be content without progressing fast?’

I explained to him that I need more than that and there is no romance at all, no dates and he is not my man yet to be this open with him. Well, for now he can’t offer more than that and expects me to be sexually open first (especially at my age). The ex gave him what he wanted and he misses those experiences. I asked if he treated her like me when they first met and he said no, of course not. He was a different man back then, was in love, was affectionate, kind. They slept together after 3 weeks and started the committed relationship. He dated her the proper way.

He said it is too complicated without explaing more. Tee, he is divorced now, why is it too complicated? I’m only guessing that it’s because he still has feelings for her and is not able to move on. But why complicated?

I’m sorry for being too descriptive but I was trying to show you the whole picture of this situation. I am still trying to figure out and see if I could do or say things differently that day. I was taken by surprise and had no idea what to ask him or how to react. I felt completely lost and overwhelmed to see things clearly.

Tee, what do think about that? And what would you say or do if you were in my place?

Do you think that a woman who is happy to be more sexually open with him can conquer his heart? Or he will always miss his wife?

Is he really devasted so much by his divorce and can’t find a way to deal with that? How can I help him? Is it the right moment to try to be just a friend for him?

I’ve heard so many stories, where women started friendships with recently divorced men (even after refusing sex) and after a while they ended up together happily. It took some time but it was worth it. Could this apply to my situation? What are the good ways to do that without imposing too much?

How long would you wait before trying to get closer to him again? I know that he is not a dangerous person so even going to his place won’t matter anymore. He is not at his best now and not being himself.

My friend told me to tell him that I do not want to loose him completely or let him suffer in silence. She adviced to stay close but only as friend (no kiss, no touch etc.). But she is also not sure how and when to approach him. On the other hand, some online coaches advice to stay romantically involved but no sex.

I have no idea what to do right now. I do not want to loose him completely but at the same time being sexually open without proper romance/feelings doesn’t feel enough.

Tee, you have no idea what being able to talk to you means to me. I can even tell you that you are saving me from some desperate steps. I feel like you really understand me and the pain I have all my life.

I pray for your health to get better 🙏

I’m looking forward to your message!

Please take care of yourself! 🌸

Big hug 🫂

Dafne