Dear Anita,

You said it beautifully – it feels more like a conversation with a good friend, like your words carry warmth and compassion, not just knowledge.

What you offered wasn’t just an answer, it was a moment of connection.

Sometimes, even with family or the people closest to us, we can still feel neglected and lonely. So please know you can always reach out whenever you need and feel like connecting.

I’m glad that our exchange helped you in some ways, and please don’t hesitate to talk with me if you ever need anything.

With warmth 💖
Dafne

Dear Tee,

‘ In what way do you think it would be risky?’

Moving in with someone can sometimes make it harder to maintain clear boundaries, especially physical ones. I might be at risk that the other person pushes the limits I’m not comfortable with – or I might feel pressured – it could create stress, tension, or even harm the relationship.

Moving in together (even with the best of intentions and marriage as an end goal) doesn’t guarantee it will lead to marriage and might be a waste of time. It is like putting the horse before the carriage.

Also, it creates investments -emotional, financial, practical – but without a guaranteed commitment, he can decide to leave any time. This can lead to emotional stress.

This arrangement is less secure, and I could find myself in a vulnerable situation. Do you agree with me, Tee?
I will definitely pay more attention to my fearful reactions that stem from my past experiences and try to apply the logic as well.

‘ This is a very important realization: that you’re afraid of being tricked and betrayed, even if the man behaves well with you. I’m not saying this last guy was a good man, and that you were unnecessarily suspicious with him. Not at all. However, I remember you were very suspicious with another man, I believe he was a widower (or divorced?), who had a son, and you felt uncomfortable him talking about his son, if I remember well.’

Yes, he was divorced 3 times, but he did not have any children. It was his ex’s son. Sometimes there is no clean break-up between couples (even after divorce). So it worried me that the son could be just an excuse to stay in contact with his ex. I think it is a valid reason, as many couples regret breaking up, and whether they never fully emotionally end it (some broken hearts never mend) or remarry with each other (which is rarer but happens). I agree with you that, also, deep down, something got triggered as my own father was emotionally absent. I don’t really think I can heal that void. That emptiness might always stay with me Tee. I know that because there is no replacement for a father’s love.

I also had a suspicion that he might have been a bit put off by me saying the truth regarding my previous relationship. He asked about my love life before, and I told him that I had been engaged and that my fiancé had suffered severe war trauma and did not recover from it. I lost him. That might have scared him off, Tee, did’ it? I ask you that because after that, he wanted to know if I’m ready to be with someone. And one of my friends back then told me that I was too honest, too soon.

Now this man is with another woman. I felt that he was not fully transparent with me, and that he possibly had a connection with her when we met. He told me that he met her only 2 weeks after knowing me and that it was his sister (living abroad) who set them up. And he left the country for her so fast without even telling me. So, he should have at least written me something. Don’t you think, Tee? Would you see it differently?

‘ Please correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t want to push any false ideas on you. But it seems to me that if you don’t trust someone you got engaged to, you would probably have a hard time trusting that same man later during marriage as well. It’s a deeper trust issue, which stems from childhood trauma. And if this issue is not healed, you might feel suspicious even if the guy is honest and has good intentions. ‘

There is some level of trust in me, but I still keep my guard up. As the elders always said, marriage -only marriage – opens the eyes, and love is blind. So until then, you have to keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, you are bound legally and in any other way, so better to make sure he is the person he says he is. I mostly only become suspicious because they gave me reasons to be. But you’re right, the old wounds may be at play here, too. Maybe trying to find the balance is the key, and like you rightly said, avoid those 2 extremes in order not to overlook the good person.

Your concerns are valid Tee, but how can we know if it is the fear of the inner child or the valid fear to protect us?

I feel that my lack of trust in the last man saved my heart from a really bad heartbreak. I felt something was wrong, and you and Anita, both with amazing insights, confirmed and revealed his true intentions. He was not able to communicate honestly about his needs (as he knew our views and expectations were not compatible), and life to avoid scaring me away early on.

I think that the last man was love bombing me and avoiding important topics. And that after many weeks of dating, he should be clearer about his life and needs. I was almost convinced that he was genuinely a good man. But after the incident on the motorway and a few other red flags (like shutting down easily, getting upset when challenged) etc., showed me otherwise. Maybe I overlooked other red flags?

How could I avoid all of this wasted time with him sooner? And at what point in that relationship did you know that he was not good, and you would stop and move on?

‘ So I’d encourage you, dear Dafne, to look into these things, because our inner child (i.e. our subconscious fears) is a powerful driving force, which can mess up with our ability to choose people who are actually good for us. We might be either to naive or too suspicious, and neither is healthy. ‘

Yes, yes, I see the difference now and how tricky it can get. I will definitely focus on that more. I struggle with recognising it early on and keep giving chances. How can we choose wisely from the beginning and not be based on the wrong fear Tee?

‘ Please don’t take this as judgment. It’s just that I see certain issues popping up, and I always like to go to the core of the problem. And the core is almost always in our childhood – in our wounded inner child.’

Don’t worry Tee. I know that you mean well, and I appreciate that you take your time to get to the core of the problem and recognize the patterns.
Looking forward to more of your insights, and please ask me if needed 😊

Warm regards and a big hug xx

Dear Tee,

‘ You’re welcome! I’m glad you’re gaining more clarity as we’re talking this through.’

Yes, much more clarity! 😊 Your thoughts make me reconsider some of my ideas, offering a different perspective and showing me ways to improve without complicating things.

‘ It’s good you’re very clear about what you want. I remember we’ve been talking about that at the beginning of our correspondence, perhaps 2 years ago, and you said you want to be seen and cherished for the person you are, and not viewed as a sex object.’

Yes, I remember our conversation back then – I was indeed focused on how to go about it to be cherished and not viewed as a sex object. Your last message helped me to understand that even more. Starting with friendship doesn’t need strict rules. As long as we don’t cross certain limits, I can still honor my values while maintaining realistic expectations of this person – especially in a world where this kind of friendship between men and women isn’t always possible.

‘ I believe it is possible, however it’s more likely to find such a person in religious communities that practice premarital purity, for example. If you want no sex before marriage, or no sex before getting engaged, I think the safest is to look in such places. Or if you’re using a dating app, to list that as a requirement, or a preference, so there are no misunderstandings.
However, a word of warning: some traditional men, who respect similar principles of sexual restrain before marriage, might have very traditional view of women, where they see women primarily as mothers to child bearers and home makers. They don’t support the woman’s personal freedom and independence, e.g. pursuing professional goals and dreams, or any activities or hobbies that might go contrary to the man’s wishes.
‘ So I think that trying to find a traditional man in this day and age might be a double-edged sword, and you need to be careful. Since you’re not really willing to take up the traditional role of woman – where the woman is subservient to man – if I understood you well? ’
‘ Something’s just occurred to me: if you’re looking for a “traditional provider”, or a “traditional man”, it might limit your options because you’re looking for a certain role of man. But if you’re looking for a partner who is also your friend – e.g. with the characteristics I listed above – you might have a better chance of finding a good, healthy partner. ‘

Thank you for that warning. I really value your insight on that. I’ve reflected a lot on your very thoughtful answer and your explanation. I realized that I haven’t really considered the other side of the coin, now I see how it could be – as you expressed it perfectly – a double–edged sword (helpful but potentially risky).

I suspect it is because some traditional man (or even moderately traditional) tend to pick the aspects that are convenient for them, shaping rules and expectations in ways that suit their own preferences rather than those of the couple. And the real problem is when they do not communicate that before marriage, and surprise a woman and trap her later on. They are directed by greed, selfishness, and superiority. Those are to be avoided.

So after carefully considering what you’ve said, I’m beginning to conclude that the ideal person would be someone who values certain traditional principles, like sexual abstinence before marriage, yet still supports a woman in working or pursuing her own career. They might prefer traditional gender roles in the household, being the provider and protector, but remain flexible when it comes to her decision of having/or not having kids (even open to adopting) or supporting her hobbies.

It’s like a nice blend of East & West – a balance that combines the best of both worlds. Do you agree with that? Would that be more realistic in my case, Tee?

It’s especially important to find this kind of person, as at this stage of my life, I am starting to consider the option of not having the kids or maybe adopting. This decision might be safer health-wise and more reasonable at my age. I would like to be married and become his family, but he needs to be more open-minded in that respect.

‘ Hmmm… the old-school approach might be better in terms of how men view sex, however not necessarily in terms of genuine respect for women. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that the old-school attitude to women is not necessarily a healthy one but requires women to be in a strictly defined role, and in general subservient to men. The man makes all important decisions in the family, he is the “head of the family”, and the woman is there to support and care for him and the children. The man is also the breadwinner, while the woman stays at home to care for the children.’

You are very right in your conclusions Tee. This is a very conservative, extreme example of being traditional, and I don’t think I could be truly happy with someone like that at this moment in my life. On the other hand, there’s the opposite extreme – being very liberal – which today also brings many challenges and problems for women.

Above all, the most important thing is someone’s good character, whether he is liberal or traditional. But also, it is important to avoid men who actually want you to be it all. They want you to be traditionally faithful, take care of the home, and also work (with kids in the picture or not), be friends, lover, everything. So their expectations are too big. Those men’s expectations are overwhelming. And the reason they keep expecting this is because many women are willing to play that role, even if it makes them unhappy.

As a result, men approach each new woman they meet with demands that are already too high. That’s why so many women nowadays are fed up and tired. And their emotional and physical health is affected negatively. Tee, have you noticed that dynamic nowadays?

‘ Me and my husband dated for 5 years before getting married, and it was a long-distance relationship. I remember I didn’t want to pressure him to get married. And then he proposed So it was kind of cool.
But I understand your situation is different and you want to have a certain time frame. So I’m not the best person to ask. But dating experts say you need minimum 1-2 years to really get to know the person. So anything under that time would be rushing things.’

Thank you for talking about that so honestly and openly. Long distance is a real challenge, and it takes longer to get to know the real person. And yes, you’ve been very patient with him 😊

For me, it’s better to see a person in all seasons, through different moments, and definitely in real life, so I can decide faster. A year would be a good timeframe – yes, I understand and agree with that.

‘ It’s okay if the woman wants it and chooses that role for a period of time (notably, while the children are young). However, if it is her only role, and she is forced into it and respected only for it, that might be a problem.’

Yes, that could be a problem, and she might start feeling neglected by her own husband. There are many cases where women even feel jealous of their own children, because he constantly puts them first most of the time. Or the opposite happens, and he starts being jealous and feeling unhappy in that marriage.

‘ Instead of believing your inner and outer critic, the goal is to strengthen the compassionate voice of your “inner parent”. Believe the loving, compassionate voice, rather than the harsh, critical voice.’

I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what you need to do: again and again return to the loving, compassionate voice and reject the harsh, critical voice. Until you can truly feel love for yourself.

So true! The inner and outer critic are at play, and that’s what makes it even harder for me. Thank you for the practical tips on how to manage them emotionally for the time being.

Tee, what’s your opinion on living together after engagement? Personally, I feel it would be a risky situation. At the same time, I know many people say it’s the only way to truly get to know someone before marriage. Do you agree with that?

I also wonder – are there ways, without living together, to truly know that there will be no bad surprises; that this is the person I want to marry, in both the good and bad? And somehow to test it in stressful situations, and to see his real self?

Some people travel together, but then there is the question of the sleeping arrangements in a hotel. And I also remember the story of a woman who warned women to never travel with someone unless engaged or married. She got sick on a trip, and her boyfriend did not even care because there was not enough commitment, and when things got tough, he was not there for her.

And based on your own relationship and household responsibilities, Tee, how would you divide these tasks between partners, and what would you consider acceptable or unacceptable? I see it as a mixture – where he takes on the physically demanding responsibilities, while she focuses on others.

I’m sorry for asking so many questions, but it’s really nice to explore and reflect on those things together. I hope I’m not overwhelming you…

Thank you again for supporting me and helping me grow through every step of this journey 🤗

Dear Tee,

Thank you for your support, for taking the time to notice the little details that often go unseen.

Yes, that last incident was a big slap in the face that opened my eyes wide and gave me the push I needed to move forward. Having your support and confirmation made it feel even more natural to let go, embrace the lessons, and simply keep going.

Thanks to you I also realized that those seemingly generous acts of kindness and gifts were not selfless at all. They were a means to an end, a way to trap me and try to gain emotional control over me. Once he realized he could not get what he wanted, his true face was revealed. That painful truth was a hard experience, but with your support, I was able to see it clearly, understand it, and find some strength to move forward without letting it define me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without your guidance and lifting…

I hope I can find the strength to hold on to the lessons I’ve learned and never fall for that kind of person again.

‘ Well, the truth is that if you tell them you only want friendship when in fact you’re testing them to see how they behave – is actually somewhat deceptive. So if you start playing games with them, an honest man with serious intentions will be put off.’

I’m happy and thankful for taking the time to respond to my question regarding friendship and being ready for a romantic relationship. I was not sure what the right approach was.

I’ll try to explain more. Friendship is essential to me. I wouldn’t be deceiving them by saying this, because for me, a meaningful friendship is one of the most important foundations of being with someone. What I really want to share is that I’m hoping for a meaningful friendship to start with – a strong emotional connection, built on trust, understanding, and genuine care. It’s what makes any deeper relationship possible or lasting.

I believe in taking the time to nurture that bond, letting it grow naturally. If the connection deepens and things take off, then one day it may evolve into something bigger. But I want to be honest from the start that I don’t want to follow the modern approach where physical attraction comes first and dictates everything. I don’t believe in judging someone solely by their looks or rushing to satisfy immediate desires. Modern men (or rather liberal men) often seem impatient – they want everything here and now. If they don’t get it, they move on to the next best option. I don’t want to be part of that.

When you look at old movies – whether Western, Indian, Arabic, or Korean – you can see something truly beautiful. There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for. The question is, in this era of instant gratification, is it even possible to find that kind of connection? It’s a challenge, but I still believe it’s worth seeking.

Tee, do you see the difference now and what I meant? So even if the friendship never evolves into anything more, I would still be happy to nurture and protect it. That kind of friendship is valuable in itself and worth cherishing regardless of what the future holds.

Tee, was I clear enough in my message about the friendship topic? Do you agree with this perspective and approach? Please ask me more if needed 😊

You’re right that my tendency to deny my own needs and feel guilty about having them might make me attract selfish men, like this last guy. So now, I’m definitely going to take some time for myself – to apply your teachings, to challenge my feelings, and to spend more time with myself. And if someone comes and feels the same way (without calling me prude or outdated), we might give it a chance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how to avoid falling into situations like I did before.

Would you also give me some advice on early signs, specific behaviours that someone might be a time waster or manipulative (in addition to the ones we discussed before)?

Also, not to get too inquisitive, but when you first dated or met your husband, what was your best approach from day one? What kind of things did you talk about, and what did you avoid?

How did you talk about important topics without scaring him off? I want to be honest about starting with a meaningful friendship and emotional connection first, but I’m unsure how to communicate that naturally.

How much time would you give someone to propose if you don’t want to waste your time only dating?

‘ I’m glad you’ve tried to be kinder to yourself. Have you managed to silence the inner critic and get in touch with a compassionate voice inside of you? A voice that is telling you that you are lovable and worthy, even if you make mistakes?’

Yes, I did. I’m struggling with my inner critic every day. Some days are harder, others a bit easier. But you’re so right, it does affect the mood, well-being and how you see yourself every day. It’s just that I’m not always consistent with it and I give up and fall back into being consistent with it. Especially when I’m dealing with stressful situations at home, work, or with my health, I feel a big chaos and confusion, and the inner critic is the loudest.

Especially after coming back from that retreat, everything hit me at once. Responsibilities kicked in, and I had to take on so many projects at work because I’d been away for a while, and it is summer time. It all came with a price – stress, overwhelm, and disappointment.

That’s why I felt that starting with friends first and maybe more later might be the best approach for me. I was always true to this way of approaching relationships, but could not properly communicate it at the right moment to the man. I did not know how without scaring them away.

Of course, this would be after I’ve taken the time to heal and nurture so I can have more clarity and avoid wrong people on my path.

Tee, how long do you envision taking time for this healing before allowing progression?

Dear Tee,

It really is a big contradiction, and I hadn’t noticed it before — thank you for pointing that out.

I think what he meant is that if again any of the projects turn out to be successful, things will become easier. But if not, then we’d have to live as modestly as he is able to provide now.

You are very right, Tee. He talks about casual visualizations of the future as a family, but without concrete steps, resources, or any consideration for the time we need to care for the baby. He already mentioned that he has resources — but only for himself and even that at a minimum. And what about us?

And what about the other responsibilities of having a baby, aside from the financial ones?

Maybe, indeed, a baby is a way to trap a woman, or perhaps it’s just to create another illusion in her head. In reality, he may not even truly want it. Or perhaps he is simply so immature that he throws these words around without giving them the thought and seriousness they truly deserve.

Yes, Tee, it’s quite possible that tying a woman with a baby seems like a much easier strategy to him than actually marrying her first. Maybe the other woman realised something really wrong and run away.

I just realized — if he’s not even capable of caring for someone lost on the motorway in a moment of serious distress, how could he possibly handle the much bigger challenges of living together, managing a household, and dealing with all the problems that come with it? I would even say that being with a man like that could be a disaster in the future.

If I decided to be with that man, I would probably end up suffering again, and he might be just as emotionally unavailable as people I’ve known before.

Tee, I hope you have a wonderful trip, and I look forward to hearing from you in a few days. Take your time, get some good rest, and enjoy yourself.

Take care!

Dear Anita,

Yes, you’re absolutely right—it has been far too too much emotional labor. I feel like endlessly working in a field, giving all my energy, yet never harvesting peace.

And I know you’re perfectly right about it. My hope is that when someone truly comes into my life, I will have the clarity to recognize it, to know what to do, and to walk that path with confidence.

And this time, it will be someone clear and transparent—someone honest from the very beginning—so that I don’t have to keep guessing, questioning, or analyzing every little thing. Just openness, truth, and peace from the start.

I am truly, deeply grateful for all the help you’ve given me, and I want you to know that I will carry your teachings with me. I will do my best to break away from old patterns and instead create a new, brighter, and better future.

And even though I don’t feel strong enough right now, I hope that I will one day find the strength I need. I pray for that strength, and I pray that better days are waiting ahead—for both of us.

Sending you lots of love and light for the days ahead 💛 💖 🤗

Please take care my dear xx
With warmth
Dafne

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your quick reply – faster than a rocket! Much appreciated!

” You wrote today, Aug 20, 2025: “There is only one thing I still don’t understand. He never asked me for money and never mentioned that I should pay for the house. He seemed to be happy in the role of a traditional provider. On Dec 29, 2024, the first time you shared about him, you wrote: “He told me that he was taken advantage of in his past and doesn’t want it to happen again. Now he expects reciprocation with everything he does.” He told you right from the beginning that he expects financial reciprocation “with everything he does.” That’s not him being “happy in the role of a traditional provider”

It was about women he knew before who wanted favors from him – not financial, but things like using his parking space for a year or asking him for constant help. When he asked them for something in return, even in small ways, they never reciprocated. Eventually, they lost contact because of that. He felt used. So he did not mind paying for dates with me as long as he felt appreciated. I always thanked him with a gift for his birthday or Christmas. And whenever he gave me a small gift on a date, I liked to return the gesture with a homemade cake or some other treat. I felt that was the least I could do to say thank you. I know that many modern women wouldn’t do that, believing that just being there should be enough for him. But I felt it wasn’t. Did what I’ve just described help clarify a few things for you, Anita?

” Continued, Dec 29: “I replied that… I don’t want a 50/50 style.’ Today, you shared: “He never asked me for money”- I’m guessing that he didn’t ask you for money because you told him last year that you don’t want a 50/50 style—and because both you and your mother expressed (valid) distrust in his financial and business talk due to his lack of transparency.”

Yes, indeed, that was later on. Before, we never spoke about it, and he at least acted as a provider. I mentioned 50/50 only because he gave me that example from my reply above about the reciprocity in relationships. Apparently, he did not want to be taken advantage of again. I’m also starting to think that maybe it did not have to do with finances, or at least not directly. Perhaps he didn’t want to be vulgar, but he was expecting a kind of physical intimacy that he did not get. In the beginning, he accepted that because he knew about my values. But maybe over time, he began to feel that this wasn’t enough for him. Could it be?

‘ You asked: “Do you think he planned to wait till we move in together and then start his demands?”- Yes, I think so. His lack of transparency itself is the big red flag. It’s not something you caused—it’s the way he is.’

Yes, Anita, the lack of transparency in answering questions (even after many weeks) was definitely a big red flag. And the turning it around by saying that my asking questions showed a lack of trust in him only made it worse.’

“The occasion on the motorway revealed his true colors… he did not call or check in to ask about us, not even knowing if I’m alive or not… I decided to never contact him again.”- A wise decision, Dafne.

I’m glad that, thanks to your help and further investigation, I could make that decision and let go of my doubts. Thank you.

“They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita?… Would you say something else?” If I were in your place, Dafne, I would say that I’m looking for a relationship of transparency and integrity—to say what we mean, to mean what we say, and to follow our words with actions that match. And when we make mistakes (occasionally, not as part of a pattern of deception)—to talk about it honestly and respectfully.’

That’s a very beautiful reply, Anita. I just hope that whoever I use it with will truly appreciate it – and, as you always say, turn it into action, not words 😊

” You asked today: “How can I stop feeling guilty? What helped you, Anita, when you decided to break out of that prison cell with your mother? ” I was like you, Dafne. I grew up—or as I prefer to say, grew-in—with no way to express myself freely either. I too had to be quiet. Only I didn’t have a room to hide in. The conflicts with my mother, and her conflicts with others, dominated my space. I had no space of my own, except for daydreaming when she wasn’t home. As a result, I instinctively tried to disappear—erasing my own needs and feelings so thoroughly that I no longer knew what I needed, wanted, or felt. Or better said: I didn’t trust my feelings to reflect reality. And even worse, I felt guilty for hurting my mother—because she guilt-tripped me mercilessly and repeatedly.’
How did I break out of the prison cell of self-alienation—where I didn’t trust my feelings, didn’t know what I needed or wanted, and carried invalid guilt? By taking up space. By expressing myself. By holding my mother accountable for the wrongs she committed against me. By releasing the shame and guilt the child within me held. By freeing her.
And Dafne, you are already doing this. Every time you name what didn’t feel right, every time you question the story you were handed, every time you choose not to contact someone who showed you disregard—you are taking up space. You are protecting the child within you. You are not failing to cope; you are learning to live in a way that honors your truth. That is not a weakness. That is healing.’

That’s truly a great way to describe taking up space and having a voice – that’s exactly what we need right now.
They failed us Anita, they failed us big time. Whether it was conscious or unconscious, it caused the same kind of pain and had lifelong consequences for us. They may be sorry now, or not. But it’s too late. Even if we forgive them, even if we forget, nothing will change, and nothing will ever fill that void inside us. Every time we see happy families, every time we rejoice for them, something deep down will never be made whole. A piece of us was taken, and no matter how much love we find, that missing piece will never return. It is an absence we carry, a silence that echoes through our lives, reminding us of what should have been, but never was.
Let’s find the strength to hold onto that and take up our space. Let’s not let our emotions take control anymore, failing us every time a new person comes to take another piece away.

Thank you for being here Anita xx
With warmth and gratitude
Dafne

Dear Anita,

Lovely to hear from you again, and thank you very much for taking the time to answer my questions – I really appreciate your patience and clear explanations.

” When you got lost driving and called him for help, you deserved help. So—he couldn’t give you what you deserved? Or wouldn’t?”

Yes, he meant that he could not offer me the financial stability I deserved, but what I really needed from him was the emotional support and presence.

” And what do they mean by “a good man”? Definitions vary. Every bad man is good in some context—Hitler, for example, was reportedly good to his dog.”

That example is great, Anita. I couldn’t help but chuckle at how accurate it is. Probably, his friends did not see his true colors yet, or they were all in it to impress women with foreign projects. And it is not like those projects did not exist at all. They did, but without sponsors and contracts signed, it was just a dream. He said to me that he was very happy that I met his friends because now I can see that it was all real. But all I could see was that they all talk about projects that need investments that never come.

“ Maybe his pride did not let him be entirely honest? ”- What if you shift focus from his motives to the impact of his behavior on you? Did his dishonesty hurt you?

Yes, it did hurt me, Anita, and when you said that, it hit me like lightning – that’s the mindset change that I need now. I tend to have the wrong focus. I should stop analyzing his motives and pay attention to how this person’s actions make me feel. We are not perfect human beings and make mistakes, but those repeated and serious breaches of trust are not excusable.

“The occasion on the motorway revealed his true colors.”- Yes—and the fact that he didn’t check on you afterward shows he didn’t regret failing you when you needed help. He didn’t call to sincerely apologize or make amends.

No, he did not call or check in to ask about us, not even knowing if I’m alive or not. Only a few days ago, there was an incident on that motorway where people were attacked by strangers. They stopped on a similar, remote route and refused to give money. Even if he knew that, he would not change his behavior because he hates hearing bad news in general, and he doesn’t want to know. At first, I thought it was because there was too much negativity on TV, or people were complaining a lot to him, and he did not want his health to be affected. And that maybe he is too sensitive and afraid to handle it. Anita, you agree that it was not easy to figure that out at first? You suspected that in February, but the real confirmation came only recently. But now, thanks to you, I realized it was because he doesn’t have empathy and refuses to help when in need. Even the most sensitive and afraid person will come to the rescue in a situation like that. He is still in my contacts list and did not block me. Considering all that we talked about, I don’t think I want to hear back from him ever again. I decided to never contact him again.

“He pretended to be offended and made me feel guilty instead.”- Your tendency to feel guilty can be weaponized by others. That’s not your fault—but it’s something to protect.

You are so right! This tendency is hunting me wherever I go. Even if I learn to manage it for a while, then in the moments of distress, it comes back, and the same cycle repeats. I’ve tried to be kinder to myself and apply the Inner Child therapy, but it fails in real-life situations, like with that man. How can I stop feeling guilty? What helped you, Anita, when you decided to break out of that prison cell with your mother?

“How is it possible to change that much?”- He didn’t change. He removed the mask.

Great explanation, Anita. There is only one thing I still don’t understand. He never asked me for money and never mentioned that I should pay for the house. He seemed to be happy in the role of a traditional provider, but was not able to due to his professional failures.

Do you think he planned to wait till we move in together and then start his demands? He never asked me for money, so I was not sure if he planned to exploit me financially or for me to just pay my half and live with him. The second possibility was that he just wanted to live with a woman and have a baby in the future.

He already failed at that with another woman in the past. For some reason (that he did not want to discuss), she broke up with him and chose a more successful man to marry. Not sure if only money was the issue or rather his character.

Do you remember Anita when we discussed the potential proposal in February? So now, when we met at the event, he told me a bit more about his intentions. He stated that he expected to buy me a simple jewelry or a simple engagement ring, and after that expected me to move in together and maybe have a baby! He did not tell me this before. For him engagement ring did not mean setting the wedding date. So I guess this time, he got tired of pretending and told me more than he eventually planned.

“It is still hard to believe that one unpredictable moment in life like this can change everything and cast a shadow on a promising story.”- I wasn’t sure what “promising story” you meant here—could you clarify?

I thought it was promising as he started courting me without imposing any physical contact. He did the right things and invested in the dates. He made efforts to see me. He wanted a life together. At first, the only red flag was his professional situation and the lack of transparency.

I knew about his health problems, but only recently found out that the doctors suspected that he had cancer. He told me that all is under control, but he is afraid that he may end up like his father (apparently, that’s how he lost him). So I suspect that he just wants an easy and enjoyable life right now without working too much. And me pushing him to find a stable job is inconvenient for him. He also felt too old to start a new work or change qualifications.

‘Even with high confidence and no trauma, your neighbor’s behavior would still be disturbing. Without legal support or eviction, moving out may be the only real solution.”

I’m sorry that my situation with the neighbor brought up some painful memories regarding your life with your mother. I know exactly how you feel. Yes, the best solution is to move, but the housing situation in the area is so hard, and we have to wait for a suitable place for a long time. And most of those places do not accept a dog anyway. We feel stuck and helpless.

Tee suggested that cultivating my inner voice is the next healthy step I could take before finding romantic love. I feel like most men are not interested or afraid to start with friendship. They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita? Maybe I will not open up too much to them at first and say that I’m currently focusing on my professional projects and only have time for friendships at the moment. What do you think, Anita? Would you say something else?

Anita, thank you for always being so generous with your time & knowledge. Your willingness to support, to explain, and help me make sense of things never goes unnoticed.

I feel truly lucky to have someone like you who cares so much and is there by my side.

While waiting to hear from you, I want to wish you a beautiful day & send you some kind words and hugs included 😊

Take care dear xx
Dafne