Dear Tee,

Thank you for your quick reply 🌷

It helped me a lot to see things in perspective. Your objective view and understanding allows me to stay more grounded and not to loose myself in the process.

My 50’s mindset doesn’t always fit well into this modern dating culture. Nowadays, the hookup culture doesn’t help women to settle down. Sex is too available and most men want an easy access, so to say. I’m a hopeless romantic but maybe too naive at the same time.

At first those 3 options seemed good & innocent but you’re right they can be traps. And going to his place again and refusing sex may actually mess up with any future possibilities with him. Isn’t it?

So I will not invite him to my place or go over to his before going out in public. Meanwhile, I will also keep my eyes open for other possibilities. I pray for a miracle to happen.

The last time he called me (few days ago), I said that we need to postpone as it is too late now to come over. So after my refusal he expects me to call him and let him know when I will come over.

Tee, how can I apply your suggestion now about meeting in public? I’m not sure what wording can I use. I want to insist in a polite way that I’ve been thinking and decided that I’m interested only in going out for a walk or drink and for the moment won’t be coming to his place until he is ready to ask me out.

I’m really bad at texting or expressing myself on the phone so really need your help with that conclusive phone call (and also how many more days to wait with the call) 🙏

Thank you so much for your time and patience Tee 🤗

Have a lovely day! 🌼🌼🌼

Warm greetings

Dafne

Dear Tee,

I hope you are well.

It feels really good to read your message. It is full of compassion and understanding which comforts my heart. Thank you for that.

You made me see my life from a completely different perspective. Now I know that it wasn’t all my fault and that the lack of love in my childhood affected my romantic life. My father was the first man who broke my heart and I could not make better choices. Thanks to you I can see clearly how much pain he caused me but I don’t exactly know how to move on.

I’ve spent past few days by myself. For the first time I didn’t run away from my own thoughts and feelings but just sat there and let myself feel everything.

One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection.

Tee, how do I brake that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision (eg. replying a simple text message, talking on the phone or analysing my every move and regretting that I could do it better)?

Also, I’ve got an update from the last man. I saw him in town and he asked how am I. Also explained that he had no courage to reply to my text message. He did not know what to say. It turns out he signed the divorce papers but doesn’t want any relationship right now and is not ready to go out. He thought of asking me for a drink but then decided not to as I am looking for something more serious. I told him that I’m also afraid of men as much as he is afraid of women but still would like to try and in the worst case we stay friends. His reply was that he thinks that I deserve someone special and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. It all seemed very honest.

I invited him to an exhibition but in the end he invited me to come to his place and eat dinner after 9.30pm as his son will already sleep in his room. I agreed.

Then I got back home and he texted if I still want to come over. One of my friends was with me. I hesitated and got second thoughts and wasn’t sure if it will be safe (romantic gesture like kiss and hug is ok but not sex).

My friend advised me that I should never accept same day meeting (desperation) and test him by saying that my car broke down and we need to postpone. I did not want to play games and lie to him but my friend did send the messages anyway (saying that it is good for me as I’m too emotional). Was she right? Tee, was it the right decision to find the excuse and cancel that meeting?

Then after a long while he called and proposed to pick me up but it was nearly 11pm and I refused. He was very disappointed and said that if I do not want to come to his place then he doesnt want to go to the exhibition. I wanted to see him but my fear was stronger. And my friend advised to go another time, but bit earlier and when the son is not there. Tee, what do you think of her advice? I thought it is better when his son is there as he might be more careful.

I really would like to give him the chance but don’t know how. Shall I just call him and say that I will come on the weekend but earlier? At what point shall I tell him that I won’t accept the casual sex but I can accept a bit of romantic closeness (say it in the car or when I get to his place)? How far is too far?

Is it a good idea or better to leave him completely and ask to call me when he is ready to go out for a drink?

I’m really confused now as I do not want to loose him or reject him completely. At the same time, I do not want to get hurt.

And yes, you’re right, I want a man who sees more than a sex object in me. Someone who is interested in me as a person. Maybe it takes time  Maybe he can open up slowly? Is there any way to know?

I hope you’re having a lovely week 💖

Thank you in advance for your support Tee. You are really special and please keep up the good work 🌷🤗

Warm greetings

Dafne

Dear Tee,

It was lovely reading you again.

Thank you for your time and a quick answer.

I will take your advice to my heart and try to apply it next time.

Unfortunately, with every failed relationship, I feel more and more discouraged to meet new men. Also there is a matter of trust.

Most of those men I’ve met online but the last one (the policeman) I’ve met in real time. Also before him there was one man (met at his work place) I went out on a few good dates. We held hands, kissed and had a good time. And then he ghosted me. His friend told me that he expected me to initiate sex with him. He is used to it with other women and if he doesn’t get it, he leaves (without a word). That was a painful experience as I got my answer a few months later from his friend.

I was also in a long term relationship with a divorced (or so I thought at that time) man with 2 kids. I helped him to look after his small kids (they stayed with him every 2 weeks). He blamed his ex for leaving him but said that he moved on and is ready for a new woman.

Long story short, when I started to push for marriage, he told me that he is not sure if he has the final divorce papers. He showed me only the first part/stage of a divorce but not final. There were no warning signs at the beginning. His ex lived in a different place, he was always available, never pushed for sex, always responsive, met with me at any time. So after that I realised that there’s no sure way to know if he is really divorced.

Probably they had an agreement to not divorce completely, so their assets stayed within the family. I never got to know the whole story as even his family was good at hiding everything.

So there you have it, my love story in a nutshell 😊 I wish to write in a more positive tone but that’s it. I think I’m closer and closer to becoming a cat lady 🐱

Just an update: I’ve sent a text to the last guy (separated policeman that pushed for sex) to ask how he was doing and he red it but did not reply. I guess not kissing him on that 1 date was a deal broker for him or maybe there is another reason?

Tee, what mistakes do you think I’m making with all those men? How would you react on my place?

In advance thank you for listening to my story and sharing your thoughts. You’re so precious. I appreciate you so much 🙏

Big kiss 🌼 🌸

Dafne

Hello Anita,

I am really grateful for your reply as you really confirmed my already strong convictions. Unfortunately, I do not have much success in finding a man who respects that.

I believe in friendships before any physical contact. The problem is that men that I’ve met do not want to be friends first and try to kiss me pretty soon. I always refuse the kiss in the first weeks of meeting and it always ends there.

Recently,  I’ve met a new man and he invited me for a coffee. He is a cop. He picked me up from my place and I asked where exactly I would like to go out. I said I prefer if he chooses a place. In that moment he proposed his appartment. I refused and proposed a coffe place on town. Then he said that he can’t show me in public as he is not yet divorced. My heart sunk.

He can only invite me to his place for coffee as his reputation is important for him and people might see us in public. Apparently only 1 week left till divorce.

I did not know how to react. I was really disappointed. I proposed a short walk outside of his building but he insisted to visit him.

After a long convincing and promise that he won’t be forcing me to sleep with him, I went to his place. He seemed nervous and smoked a lot of cigarettes. Did not want to talk too much about his divorce, although I asked a few questions.

Anyways, he tried to touch and kiss me but I told him that it should have a meaning for me and for now it is too fast.

I also added that we can stay friends for now and get to know eachother but he replied that he wants cuddles and fun and that he is afraid of women.

We ended our meeting on a friendly note with a big hug. Then he brought me back home and we parted.

It’s been more than a week and I haven’t heard from him.

I would really appreciate your advice Anita.

What would you do in my situation?

Would you react differently? What should I do next? Is it ok to call or text him now to find out if he got divorced?

Also, I know that when dating we should wait with sex but what about a kiss? Sometimes I feel that I am too strict and overthinking.

Please help me to figure this out 🙏