Tracey,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how alone we feel sometimes. Sometimes when we look outside ourselves for comfort, we find that people are busy with their own stuff, and don’t have a spare shoulder to lend. Said differently, perhaps your partner and friends have a yoke on their shoulders, and it prevents them from being able to respond tenderly to your needs. Why fret that, though? Its not their job to bring you comfort, that’s your job. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that sometimes our light burns dim and we feel uncomfortable emotions. Its normal to reach out for mommy and daddy, to have them bring peace into our hearts when we get spooked. As we get older, if we don’t learn to bring that same comfort to ourselves, we end up reaching out a lot, being disappointed or agitated when we don’t get what we need.

To break free from this cycle, consider stop reaching out as much, learn to bring the same comfort to your own body. Perhaps take a bath with candles, go for a walk in nature, meditate, listen to soft music… anything that brings peace to your heart, mind. This helps us find our self reliance, so we do not become agitated when other people are busy/distracted/unavailable to help us. After all, they don’t owe you comfort, its a gift they bring when they have it to spare.

From a different direction, consider nurturing like a meal. We get stressed, and like being hungry, it pushes us toward eating. When we don’t know how to cook, and look to our partner to make us food, we can become very upset with them for not feeding us. “You bastard, don’t you see I’m hungry?” But, its not their job to feed us,that anger and isolation is only the hunger bashing up against the feeling of powerlessness to make our own food. Its not from them, its not because they aren’t doing well for us… we have to learn how to find the fridge ourselves, find the pantry, that way when we’re hungry, we eat. When we’re stressed, we self nurture. Surprise! Blue skies!

Namaste, dear sister, may your breath be fluid, peaceful.

With warmth,
Matt

Jennifer,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can empathize with how tricky matters of heart can be. To me, it sounds as if an ocean of tears has come forward for you two… many decisions, actions, thoughts, distractions. Where’s the common ground? Trust erodes with these conditions, and its no wonder you feel unsafe to talk to him about your feelings. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider taking a little time to self nurture, such as hop in a tub, sit in nature, or whatever you do to give yourself a hug, breathe, find some space. When you’re all glowy, refreshed, sit down and write out what it is you want in a relationship. Not demands, such as what he must do, but more like the environment you wish to live in. What do you want to see your romantic life to look like? Shoot for the stars, be honest. Treated like a princess? Respected? Seen? How would you feel safe talking about conflicts? Where do you want to take your love life?

Once you feel good about your list, you can (if your heart gives the OK) take the list to him and have a chat. Sit down, open up, tell him your desires. Ask him to join you in your romantic spirit, see if he can see what you’re seeing. See your vision. If he can, then you two can build from there. What does he want to add? What interrupts that beautiful vision? What gets in the way? On your side? On his? What cha doing instead?

As you explore that question, with him or without, for you, try to keep it on your side. Not “well he does this to me”, rather “I think, feel, see…” The more responsibility you each take for your own troubled emotions, thoughts, the easier it gets… as a general aim. 🙂

What will happen, is as troubled times come, and one or both of you bubble off into some painful state, you’ll be able to help remind each other of the shared space, home. “Hey, my prince, youre really poking right now, whats up?” Or, “lets find home, relax, and then together address our needs/fears.” This helps the “bucking bronco” of turbulent emotions and thoughts to find comfort… as well as find some shrugging acceptance that some days we’re the shining princess, some days the hag. Some days the prince, some days the villain. From stress, fear, exhaustion, who knows. Karma cycles.

Learn, forgive, move on… “hey look, the sun is shining! Let’s share a dance, my love!”. Said differently, in a relationship with intense passion, often we have to learn how to not take our partner’s agitated pokes personally. Or feel ashamed of our own. This is much easier with an understanding, common ground. My teacher said that intimacy was about whether two can come to a shared view, see the same things… rather than wanting the same things. Compromise is easy, confusion is the toughy.

Finally, intimacy can be tricky. It takes work, cultivation, like a garden. If we leave it untended, weeds grow, strangle the vision of home. Bills, receipts, printouts of chat exchanges… all get set on top of that list in your desk drawer, until the prince and princess is a distant memory. Consider instead framing it, or painting/drawing/collaging/purchasing something else that reminds you of it. Don’t let it gather dust, get buried. Instead, keep it in mind, keep each other aimed at the beauty of hearts entwined.

Or, if he doesn’t see it, isn’t willing to work, move on. You’ll find your prince as you sing your heartsong. Its like a magnet. 🙂

Namaste, dear sister, may your heart find its courage.

With warmth,
Matt

Geek,

In addition to the other kindly words, consider that sometimes we over emphasize the importance of thoughts, and rest in a sort of “mind maze” of “who am i”, “what am I”. So we scramble for definitions that fit, trying to figure out some kind of self definition, answer to “who”. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that this relationship you have to emotions is perhaps the same relationship you have to your body. When our attention is pulled up into our head, we become unbalanced, top heavy. Too much questing, seeking, considering, questioning… too many thoughts zipping around. This clouds our ability to attend our body, feel feelings. Said differently, you say you have a difficult time feeling emotions,but do you take the time to try? How much effort have you put into growing your self love? Is it something you just expect to have? How would it get there?

To grow a more tender relationship with your body, consider spending more time self nurturing. Specifically, consider starting a meditation practice. If we take the time to unwind, set down our thoughts, rest comfortably and peacefully in the present moment, it is much easier to get in touch with our feelings.

Of course, there is always the potential you have some atypical brain conditions. Sure. Perhaps pursue that beyond a wiki page, see a doctor. I’d hesitate before simply accepting that though… from your post, it could very well just be “racing mind”. Such as, so many clouds, thoughts, you can’t see the sky, feel the love. Perhaps try a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness that grows in our chest area, and is like an antidote for racing mind. Consider “Ajahn Brahm guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. If it doesn’t strike you, consider instead “Bhante Gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Bhante G has a gentle and profound way of reaching analytical minds. He just lays it out there for us, what a champ!

Geek, I hope you consider taking a stand against this pattern that troubles you, and do not just give up with a diagnosis, call your brain such and such a way. I’m not convinced of that yet, are you? Its not uncommon for too much head, not enough heart to result in the confusion you’re experiencing. Perhaps try setting down the afflictions, and try to grow a loving space. If you give it some elbow grease, anything could happen!

Namaste, friend, may your attentions flow downward.

With warmth,
Matt

Inthebliss,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the bewilderment that accompanies intimacy, and how draining it can be when our partner doesn’t seem to be able to come to the plate. Instead of “sometimes you dealt it, sometimes he dealt it”, he (for whatever reason) can’t take responsibility. Instead, he gets aggressive. That kills a relationship pretty quickly. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that he might not take personal responsibility for his emotions, but you display signs of doing the same. Consider, he growls at you, perhaps male pms, stressed day, who knows… and instead of “ah, mr grumpypants needs help/space/a new job” and letting it stay on your side, you grab onto it, “how could he do that to meee? Treat me like that!” Buddha taught that when we notice, accept, that their actions aren’t causing our feelings, rather, its our perceptions, the way we’re seeing the situation, then we can be free.

For instance, consider “he wounds me, he attacks me”, vs “I feel wounded,I feel attacked”. The former invites his garbage in, while the other steps back, looks at your reactions to his garbage… which is where all the magic is, because you can let go of a reaction on your side, learn to instead respond with peaceful heart. Such as my four year old daughter yelled at me earlier, saying I let her older sister steal her special blanket. I could simply see her discomfort, and never made her aggression about me. In romantic relationships, its more difficult to stay detached, of course, usually much more confusion.

However, a good rule of thumb is to find authentic forgiveness for their unskillful behaviors. For instance, you say he is stuck blaming his past for his outbursts, but where else would they come from? If he feels stuck, rutted, he’s probably feeling like a pressure cooker a lot of the time. A few pokes and kaboom! Not that’s it healthy, or you should roll over, but its not some lasting fault of his character… he’s just stuck in habits. Usually feeling shitty about himself, probably. A failure.

That being said, their patterns can be pretty corrosive, and you’re thinking for two. But in your heart, you can perhaps see he’s like a thornbush… a lovable part of nature, but not something you want to dance with. But as you can accept that the thorns aren’t really his fault, as he does have a troubled past (or he’d be more courageous, stable here and now), then you can forgive him and let his garbage stay on his side.

“Whatever the causes and conditions that bring these painful moments for me, I forgive you for your side of it. May you be free
Whatever the causes and conditions that bring these painful moments for me, I forgive myself for my side of it. May I be free.”

Then, consider letting it go. Get to what you want to be doing. If you notice you’re getting pulled into his garbage, pull out of the thorn bush. Set his jabs down, let them go. Who cares? Why let his jibbertyjab spoil your beautiful day? A simple “may you find peace on your journey” and get back to singing to your baby. Why spin? Why give him control of your day like that?

Finally, consider spending lots of time self nurturing. Be really kind to yourself, tender, giving affection and plenty of space. Being preggo is tough enough on the body, with the added stress of the break/up, your body will surely soak up those self hugs like a sponge. Let it unwind, be calm, let go, try to help yourself ease the tensions from a busy life. Its not selfish to self nurture in this way, rather, its a good way to stay heartfelt, stable.

With warmth,
Matt

Victor,

In addition to TRs thoughtful words, consider that you perhaps take yourself too seriously. Your research into bliss, your steadfastly held intentions to be light, wise, awake… seem to be unintentionally increasing the attachment to views in your brain. Said differently, inner peace is like holding a bird in your hand. Squeeze too tight, squish, too loose, flies away. Desire to evolve is good, but too much, and it produces visions of Victory, which your bumbling fool of a body doesn’t have. That contrast can be very dissatisfying!

Consider a different approach. Instead of trying to be a champion of space and time, a Buddha, a hero… consider accepting your ignorance, and approach life with a gentle humility. Mistakes, yep, breathe move on. Success, yep, breathe, move on. Heroism blossoms naturally along the way.

From a different direction, consider that your fear of dancing with women is perhaps because you’re investing too much attention on it. A smile at you means too much, stepping on their toes means too much. Too investigative, too much “what does it meeeeeaaaaan?” This sets it up to be all about you, which closes off your creativity and passion… instead of sitting in appreciation of their beauty, you turn inward, thinking, considering.

The solution that works well for me and others, is to learn the balance between being investigative and playing. Women (or men), partners… are incredibly fun to dance with, play with, celebrate life with. Not “are you the one to break me free from my relationship slump”, but rather “care to share a dance with the stars?” The fear doesn’t rest in that space, its not about us, not directly. She want to? That’s her. She doesn’t want to? That’s her. OK, breathe, move on. Dance or keep exploring.

Finally, consider supplementing your meditation practice with metta meditation. If you’re noticing a big difference between what you know is right and how you act, metta can help increase the stability of your energy. Less of a gap. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Sometimes we think we’re afraid of acting, when really its just our mind is out of concentration, expended. Said differently, courage is about trusting your inner light, which metta helps to grow very directly.

Namaste, brother, may your courage grow, bringing your dreams to fruition.

With warmth,
Matt

Kendall,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how dark it gets when shadows loom and patterns settle in. Clouds burst in the sky, obscuring whatever joy there was, until even light seems but a dream. Happiness? Try hopelessness. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The great thing about intense suffering is that it is very distasteful. You say that the darkness is comfortable, and I call bullshit. Consider your restlessness. How hard it is to distract yourself from the feeling of dis-ease. Its crushing ya, and you pretend its comfortable. What you mean is, “I don’t have faith I can change”.

The good news is, you can, and its waaaaaay easier than you think. Your mind is rutted in habits, and its time for you to grow new ones. Certain cycles lead to a sense of space, some lead to a sense of compression. You’re in a tough one, no doubt about it, and its not a miracle, boom, you’re different. But, there is a well trodden, simple path that produces noticeable, reliable results and a shitton of relief.

The trick is only that you have to intentionally think happy thoughts, noble thoughts. Not just “yeah, I’ll try to be more positive, heh”, but sit your ass down, grab a guide, and let them guide. My suggestion is “Guided Metta Meditation with Bhante Gunaratana” on YouTube. Let your fed-uppness with the seemingly endless pain bring your mind to the present, and listen close to what he says. Its a process, a gateway, a raft. We speak happy words, with as much authenticity as we can. Over time, a few days or weeks, we begin to think happy thoughts. Then, we begin to feel happy feelings. Nothing artificial, its not fake it till you make it, its steps. And it reaches all the way down into the deepest shadows, when the being makes a choice to grow toward the light. Hopeless? Please.

What I see is all your strength of heart is simply turned inward. You have all this bodhicitta, yearning for freedom, clear air, space… but suppress it, turn away, fear driving you to bite down on your desires, hiding. No wonder it hurts. No wonder you feel crazy.

Finally, don’t be afraid to get some professional help. Your descriptions are vibrant, and your ability to tell a story, your view, is quite remarkable. However, you also describe hallucinations, auditory, visual, which might benefit from some medical investigation. Unless it was just you being eloquent, which it is/was.

I’m sorry if you were expecting a pity party, or that you’re not being treated as somehow uniquely broken. Perhaps you see a crumpled up waste of a child, but I see a champion with kryptonite sunglasses. Take em off, holy shit! Its daybreak already?

Namaste, brother, may your heart find its tender light.

With warmth,
Matt

AmyJ,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can empathize with a heart that loves a troublesome partner. Frankly, and this might sting, he sounds like a dud. Unprepared for the love you’ve offered him, he doesn’t see/feel/know. He might grow, but there are some serious red flags. Setting a date for when he’ll stop cheating? What? And you roll over for that? What? You’re better than that, more deserving than that, and the only person who will ever give the gift of a backbone to you is yourself. If he were my partner, I’d punch him in the balls, hard, and then go try to find peace, forgiveness. Whatcha doing with all that rage, dear sister? Eating it? Suppressing it? Turning it into self pity?

Sometimes when we’ve had an overly pokey parent (critical, shaming, distracted) we can feel kinda low about ourselves. Like we deserve whatever scraps of love and affection are tossed our way. This is garbage, old baggage, a nagging fly of a voice inside. Don’t be fooled. You are a brilliant and important piece of nature, a slumbering goddess, and those who tell you otherwise are blind. Forgive them, love them, but don’t listen to them.

Finally, you seem to be punishing yourself for loving, just because he makes poor choices. Consider a different view. Your heart is so strong that it loves someone that is difficult to love. I’m not sure I could love under those circumstances… be proud of your strength, its awesome. However, the stress of it also keeps your light dim, your eyes darting all around, mind bouncing. To help with that, to bring your light back to radiance, consider metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of friendly warmth inside us, and helps to grow a peaceful and spacious quality to our body. Then, something like your friend’s feeling of betrayal causing all sorts of pokes and prods, can be met with some hugs. Eventually, her pokes will stop, if she really is your friend. Perhaps she doesn’t trust that you love her, because of what happened. Metta helps us weather the stones tossed at us, so our hearts are non-reactive. Such as “yes, dear friend, it makes sense that you’re hurting. I love you.” If you’re thinking in that way, it’ll help both of you… even if she doesn’t let you get a word in. The river always erodes the stone, but does it with constancy, flowing. So does our kindness soothe the pain of our loved ones, as they see that their thoughts, feelings and perceptions are welcomed. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may your heart light your path of joy.

With warmth,
Matt