Self Doubt

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    Hello tinybuddhas!

    I am very new here but I’ve been searching for a support group/love filled forum like this one for a while and thankfully, I found this yesterday. I’ve done my fair share of browsing and there are many wise people here who I believe can help guide me in my current situation in life and hopefully, I can return the favor with some of my own advice.

    Over the past year, I’ve been going through a dramatic change trying to find myself, wanting to reach bliss and becoming fearless because fear is the one and only reason that I stress. I’ve made a lot of progress by ending my relationship with the tell-lie-vision, removing a majority of the negative music I listen to, meditating more, picked up a new wonderful habit (reading), spending much more genuine time with nature, and many more things but all in all, making my best effort to only allow love and positive energy into my senses.

    My issue is my mind. I listen to a lot of Alan Watts audio and currently reading ‘Courage’ by Osho, which they’ve been very insightful on this path that I’m on but when it comes to facing my fears, I can’t seem to do it. I’m not sure if it’s that I put too much pressure on myself. Although I may not show it in my face, I’m very happy and content with my life as I recognize the potential I have to make something of myself. Genuinely trying to contribute to the world, I’ve found my passions in life and I want to learn/grow in each of them every day in order to place myself, with help from the Universe, in the position where I can shed light on others and help them achieve the happiness that I’m aiming for. I know it’s possible but I’ve hit a wall in this journey called Life.

    I’m twenty one and ever since high school, I’ve not been good with girls. Single for over 5 years, I’ve not had much experience with being in intimate relationships and I want to change this. All my siblings and friends are in healthy relationships with their partners and I want some one to cherish and grow with as well. I’m the kind of guy that would rather have one person to build a future with, than waste my time on relationships that are going anywhere. The problem is my absence from the dating game has left me with social anxiety/issues when I’m around people I’m unfamiliar with or attractive women. I tend to be very quiet and awkward when I’m around them, but with my friends I’m a pretty chill guy (at least I think so haha). I’ve studied “pick up artistry” in order to develop the self love and entitlement to fix my problems but I still don’t have enough courage to go out and fail. I know that’s what is needed to get better, I need to desensitize myself from external opinions by failing but ironically, I fail to do that. There is so much self doubt built up inside of me, I can’t push myself to take action. I don’t have excuses that most of the students of picking up have, like I’m ugly or fat, because I have confidence in my appearance. It all comes back to my mind. I need help..

    I want to reiterate that I do not depend on having a partner to be happy, because in this very moment I love my life but there is a dark void inside of me that needs to be filled. I cannot succeed in my vision if I am not confident/developed enough to interact with people without trying to figure out what they’re thinking/trying to control the situation. Any advice and guidance from you guys is VERY much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

    The Ruminant

    Hello Victor!

    I think that the men here might have some valuable insights to give you, but I wanted to share couple of thoughts that came to mind reading your post.

    The problem with the PUA approach, entitlement in general and thoughts of an ideal relationship is that there might be a desire to cast people in particular roles, instead of allowing them to be human beings with free will.

    Instead of looking at a woman as a potential mate first, what if you’d look at her as a brand new person that you can get to know? Would you be interested in getting to know people and what their interests, hopes and dreams are, without placing expectations on them? Curiosity is a great antidote for fear. It’s like exploring a new territory. Without the curiosity, what would be the point of going on an adventure, when you could just sit at home and be comfortable.

    If you like Osho, then I’d recommend his “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other”. He talks about meeting another person just as you are and just as they are and how scary it can be, but how that is the essence of intimacy. You don’t want to desensitize yourself from other people (or be completely fearless). That’s not a way to have an intimate relationship. I know. I’ve done those mistakes! 🙂

    Anyway, I’m sure that the men here can contribute in a way that someone who’s never been a young man never could 🙂


    You have a good point and it’s true; I automatically place women on a pedestal. For some reason their opinion matters so much to my unconscious but when I think about it, I really don’t care. I just want to have fun and enjoy life. The things I’ve learned in life has me certain that I’m interesting but that aspect of me flies right out the window when I’m nervous.

    Seems like when I’m in those situations where I’m uncomfortable, my unconscious takes over which puts me in this weird mind state that only cares about people pleasing and being accepted by everyone. I need to understand that it’s inevitable because no one can win every one over, let alone every single girl.

    I should look at the bigger picture and every day I come closer to implementing this realization. The realization that nothing is important, at least it’s only important because we focus on it. I need to stop thinking so much and just do, jump into the unknown and let my heart figure out it’s way, which is my problem. I’m not sure what I need to read/hear for this to stick to my brain. Like you said, I need to be more curious…

    I’ll definitely check out his ‘Intimacy’ book when I finish with ‘Courage’. I have a bad tendency of starting books and stopping half way 🙁 I love Courage but I haven’t read it in 2 days. (Note to Self: I gotta get some text in today) I’ll probably take a trip to Barnes & Nobles and try to find ‘Intimacy’ just to indulge the whole thing in one sitting. Maybe muster up the motivation to approach one or two to girls who spark some of my curiosity? Who knows? 😀

    Thank you Ruminant for your response 🙂



    In addition to TRs thoughtful words, consider that you perhaps take yourself too seriously. Your research into bliss, your steadfastly held intentions to be light, wise, awake… seem to be unintentionally increasing the attachment to views in your brain. Said differently, inner peace is like holding a bird in your hand. Squeeze too tight, squish, too loose, flies away. Desire to evolve is good, but too much, and it produces visions of Victory, which your bumbling fool of a body doesn’t have. That contrast can be very dissatisfying!

    Consider a different approach. Instead of trying to be a champion of space and time, a Buddha, a hero… consider accepting your ignorance, and approach life with a gentle humility. Mistakes, yep, breathe move on. Success, yep, breathe, move on. Heroism blossoms naturally along the way.

    From a different direction, consider that your fear of dancing with women is perhaps because you’re investing too much attention on it. A smile at you means too much, stepping on their toes means too much. Too investigative, too much “what does it meeeeeaaaaan?” This sets it up to be all about you, which closes off your creativity and passion… instead of sitting in appreciation of their beauty, you turn inward, thinking, considering.

    The solution that works well for me and others, is to learn the balance between being investigative and playing. Women (or men), partners… are incredibly fun to dance with, play with, celebrate life with. Not “are you the one to break me free from my relationship slump”, but rather “care to share a dance with the stars?” The fear doesn’t rest in that space, its not about us, not directly. She want to? That’s her. She doesn’t want to? That’s her. OK, breathe, move on. Dance or keep exploring.

    Finally, consider supplementing your meditation practice with metta meditation. If you’re noticing a big difference between what you know is right and how you act, metta can help increase the stability of your energy. Less of a gap. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Sometimes we think we’re afraid of acting, when really its just our mind is out of concentration, expended. Said differently, courage is about trusting your inner light, which metta helps to grow very directly.

    Namaste, brother, may your courage grow, bringing your dreams to fruition.

    With warmth,


    Matt thank you for your response! It was spot on, I actually laughed at that “bumbling fool of a body” part lol. I’m actually very clumsy..

    I agree with your advice and will make an effort to correct my imbalances starting today. Much truth to the fact that I do take myself and life too seriously sometimes when I shouldn’t really cause we’re all just dancing until we expire. Breathe and move on, that’s what I gotta start repeating to myself in times of bad emotions. 🙂

    I’m going to check out metta meditation, it sounds really helpful or at least for me in my case. I very much appreciate this recommendation!

    Many wise words in these replies and I will be returning here often to refresh my mind on the light that’s been shed here. 😀

    A HUGE thank you to you both!

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