Barbs,

You made it all about you. Cats will be cats, birds will be birds, chefs will be chefs. You didn’t kill the bird, or the relationship. You’re part of something much greater, one small piece. His actions helped it break down. The cat is a hunter. Let it go. “Not mine.”

When you find yourself in panic states like that, consider doing some counting breath meditation. Brain and emotions in hyperdrive? Aim that engine in a circle, and the mind gets bored, focused. “Ajahn Jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube, if interested.

Also, remember to be gentle with yourself. As a recovering codependent, your self esteem is understandably shaky. Too often, you take such a harsh tone with yourself, which is wholly unneeded! Always a new lesson, a new day, new birth. What did you learn?

Not “Barb is this,barb does that”, but “what made barb happy? What rekindles her light? What heals her tender heart?”. When we just accept that our past is a yin/yang smart/dumb mess of a thing, we can sit down, breathe, and try to grow our wings.

Consider, you’re free. No one controls you, no one defines you. Its OK to be yourself. You’re beautiful! Its a journey of discovery, dear sister, and it starts with your desires… what do you like? What makes you happy? Do that! It refuels us, and when we’re peaceful, open again, we can look back and figure it out without the lamentation. Without pity, without”poor, poor barbs”, just “OK,what the heck happened?”. If your body is full of grief though, set down the puzzle, forgive yourself, and hit the tub, walk in nature, cultivate metta, whatever. Be nurturing.

Our wings are fragile, sis. The whispers of heart are heard in a quiet space, with mind peaceful, and smooth. We have to have patience, breathing, and space, especially in troubled times.

With warmth,
Matt

Thanks for the kind words, happy to help. 🙂 Sometimes our time on the cushion doesn’t seem all that relaxing… but its still a workout. If your mind is really distracted, consider “ajahn jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube, if interested. If there’s a lot of emotion, it can be helpful to give something very tangible for the brain to do. Such as if one of Sharon’s pauses is met with a lot of random thoughts, not spending time with the words, etc. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

How long were you two dating?

Sophie,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and glad that things are looking up. Your info is very brief, so its tricky to aim. 🙂 Sometimes when we’ve been feeling crappy for a long time,such as low self esteem, low self worth, etc, we grab onto our accomplishments as proof we’re doing better. Then, when another “oops” rolls around, we lose that confidence.

To grow more stable, consider that your journey through life has failure and success, and both push you toward becoming all you can be. It is peaceful abiding that brings the nourishment we need, not success. Said differently, after the list of good things and bad things in your life gets set aside, there you are, learning and growing. Success, yay, growing. Failure, boo, growing. Keep breathing, keep alert, and the confidence you’re looking for will grow. Not because you succeed, but because no matter what the result, there you are! Still kickin!

Also, consider some better self nurturing habits. You have a lovely and tender heart, and it needs your care. Take a bath,listen to soft music, go on a walk with nature… when we are gentle with ourselves, our body feels better. Too much work and not enough nurturing makes jack a dull boy. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

With warmth,
Matt

Roohi,

In addition to all the wonderful sentiments expressed by others, also consider that sometimes knowing the past doesn’t actually help the present. Such as, if you knew his past lovers, there may be unnecessary comparison between you and them. If the past is dead and gone for him, it may be a lot less “hiding” on his side, than simply “irrelevant”. Especially if he said he was alone for a long time, despite dating, perhaps none of the women you’re afraid of ever touched his heart in the same way. We can be alone in a room full of people, if we’re not connecting. Ya know?

Also consider that if he’s picking up on your fear of being right for him, he may shy away from certain topics. Much like he might not buy you flowers that make you sneeze. If you settle your fears, shed the allergies, then he won’t be afraid to buy you the difficult smelling ones. Said differently, when we aren’t afraid of our partner’s past, and don’t hold it against them in our heart, transparency is natural, easy.

Finally, its unneeded to fear that because he didn’t tell you all the women he sampled before finding you, it means he’s hiding. To be frank, women ask questions they don’t actually want the answers to sometimes. “What was your relationship to her?” is often really “would you tell me how much you love me?”. A tender touch, a gentle squeeze, fears melt. If the answer is direct such as “oh, wow, she was a real tomcat in the sack, and those boobs…. oh my gawd. But nuts, unstable, so we ended it, good riddance.” What would happen next for you? “Ah, thanks for sharing, dearest love” or “am I good enough? Are my boobs oh my gawd? Am I satisfying to him?” etc. You be surprised at how much flak men take sometimes for not sharing, when not sharing seems like the most skillful choice. Why sing to a flower the colors of another blossom, when a radiant beauty is already in front of us?

With warmth,
Matt

Mark,

Tastelessness I was pointing at is the sense that any exit from the roundabout is dull, empty of nourishment, of enjoyment. The decrease in passion is a result of that view… why act, do anything, when the results are tasteless. Might as well just keep circling in the roundabout.

My teacher helped me see how its cause is selfish action, such as sitting and stewing too long in our own story. Metta helps break that open, our intentions and dreams aim again at mutual nourishment, helping ourselves, as well as others. Then, any exit from the roundabout becomes another adventure. What’s there? What can I do to help? Them or me, learn or teach, clap or play, what an adventure! The focus moves away from “who am I, and what should I be doing”, and back to a more invigorating curious space. “Out of the head”, and more balanced. Breath meditation doesn’t always help with that (unless we have a lot of practice cultivating mindfulness) for various reasons.

I’m glad the metta meditation is helping, what a relief, no? Consider that if you’re offered an opportunity to give kindness during your day, jumping in with a smile dramatically increases the momentum of metta. After all, nobility on the cushion is one thing, but acting from the space of that nobility is quite another!

With warmth,
Matt

Big Blue,

Well said! Keep that moment gently aimed at co-creativity (path of mutual benefit) and the sky’s the limit! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Moongal,

How many moments do we have?

With warmth,
Matt