Jobebee,

Can you feel the anger mamma has shown in the previous posts? Trust that, you’re being treated unfairly. Consider that your boyfriend steps on the petals of his flower, and blames you for his life being empty of blossoms. Said differently, when we’re shown tenderness, we feel open enough to be passionate. His actions come across as controlling, angry, and addicted… so very naturally your passion for him lessens. It’s not from your abuse, not from your side at all. If he treated you kindly, your whole body would see him differently.

I agree with the above posts… if he doesn’t grow, and fast, consider bailing. Better now when your esteem is shaken, than in 5 years when it’s gone. Right now, it sounds like his stress pushes him into power games, which have no space in a relationship. He’s basically throwing up his icky feelings at you, aimed sharply at your vulnerability, and you’re left holding the blame (inside both of you). This is bad for you both.

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that mimic previous experiences. This guy sounds like a chance for you to heal from the abuse more deeply. Consider, it’s ok to stand up and push him to grow. He may, and he may not. It’s ok to stand up and leave, I would. Inky would. Moongal would. But, this is your journey, dear sister, but whatever path you choose, just be sure to take a stand. Shake him off, by whatever means necessary. How do you control your rage at being treated in such a way? Just eat it as somehow deserved? Don’t let him define you like that. You deserve, need, tenderness. We all do. And we all deserve it, even if some others don’t know how to express it or give it.

Finally, in troubled times we can’t always rely on another to give us the gentle touches we deserve. This makes finding good ways to self nurture very helpful. We remind our bodies of love, of warmth, of kindness… by being loving, warm and kind to ourselves. Take a bath with candles, go on a walk in nature, engage in a student group, or whatever helps you feel awake, inspired, and safe. My favorite is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling warm friendship in the chest area, and is much like our inner light. Stress dims it, but we can rekindle our inner spirit with some effort and patience. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may you find the strength to defend your home, your heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Mlssamrtn,

Sometimes when we experience another’s desire (“I don’t want to have more kids”) we get spooked and solidify that desire as eternal. Such as “OK, so staying with him means I don’t get to have kids of my own”. Desires are usually more fluid than that, such as stressful days produce the “100%” desire for no more kids, while joyous produce the desire for more kids. In him, did you explore how certain he is of that? How long he’s been feeling that? Do you really have enough information to know that staying with him means not having kids?

He may not want more responsibility, but be more flexible than just “not kids”. Often, I will say “I don’t want to go to the store”, but my wife does, so we do. If you decide you do want kids, and say as such to him, then you’ll start having the conversation with him that will give you the information you need to make the decision. If he finds out he has a loving partner, perhaps the burden that comes along with being a parent will decrease his reluctance. Stranger things have happened! Otherwise, move on, find a partner that shares your desire. Kids/not kids is a fundamental one, and being on different pages with that desire often leads to resentment, in my experience.

With warmth,
Matt

Mark,

You don’t have to be perfect to offer the rhythm of your dharma to the world. Said differently, why bother worrying if others can beat the drum better or brighter or faster? When you perform your art, it flows out of you and touches the hearts and minds of those listening. Just rest in the beauty of that, let it help you find your north.

Consider that the self isn’t “missing” or your “enemy”… its just empty of anything inherent. Meaning, your thoughts aren’t dragging you down, its the type of thoughts you’re having. Fear, grief, pain, pleasure… these thoughts have weight to them that pull your attention toward the object. Breathing meditation helps loosen their grip on our attention, so we’re not overwhelmed as easy. However, it sounds like you’re experiencing tastelessness. Consider switching for awhile to metta meditation specifically, which will help break you out of “mark-land” and back into the world.

Said differently, when we grow loving kindness inside us, the self naturally becomes more peaceful and our life stops being a task list, and turns back into a garden path that we play down. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

From a different angle, consider the self much like the rhythm of our song. We don’t stop the beat (such as let go of all thoughts, staunchly weather the storms in our mind), rather, we flow in tune with nature (grow the mind into a garden, following our heart’s beat). Breath meditation helps us realize our song isn’t inherently anything, a blank canvas. However, certain actions produce certain results, such as punching a wall produces pain in our hand, judging produces pain in our mind, etc. When we do metta, our thoughts become more friendly, more peaceful, more smooth, so we can find our rhythm and simply play.

Finally, you sound like you’re really harsh with yourself. Don’t do that! We all have this weird task of trying to find balance and joy. Falling along the way is inevitable, so don’t let your mistakes compound into harshness toward yourself for making them. It happens to us all, dear brother, and we have to learn to nod, accept our actions as just what they were, then go back to the cushion to rekindle our happiness.

With warmth,
Matt

Cameron,

That sounds like bubkiss to me, my heart and mind also rejected it. Relationships like that happen, but to call that “soul mate” sounds like someone remains bitter over a deep connection that went south. Don’t be afraid of words, just look. What do you see?

If spiritual development is a big thing for you, there’s good reason to share it. Guys will either like you or not, being spiritual isn’t a turn off to any of my male friends at least. If you had “I want to have lots and lots of babies”, perhaps a little rethinking might be involved. 🙂 Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong spot? Often, its easiest to find compatible people by going out and doing what we love to do. That’s where they’ll be, doing what they love to do. Or, you’ll have so much fun doing it that you’ll take some of that pressure off your shoulders.

For me, I’ve never had good luck with love when seeking it. Rather, it has always grown for me (including with my wife) when I was just out playing, happy, sharing the joy grown on the cushion.

With warmth,
Matt

Ayame,

First of all, thank you for being a teacher. None of us are perfect, and even someone with a racing mind can shine light into the hearts and minds of children. If that fantasy “someone” shows up saying you shouldn’t teach, feel free to give them a kick in the whooha. Or a hug, god knows the world needs more of those. 🙂

Sometimes when we have issues with mental fixation, it leads to exactly what you’re describing. For instance, your mind was stuck looking at the work as though that was what was needed, and you were ignoring the need. So, the whole time you were out, each breath gets compared to “what should be happening”, and on and on the mind clings, cycles, and creates clouds. “Why aren’t I working”, “why aren’t I enjoying”, “why do I do this instead of that” and so forth and so on. Whew!

Often, this happens for a few reasons. First, some fear is pushing the fixation itself… afraid that something bad will happen, afraid that we lose value, afraid we’re wasting time… it varies, but something like that pushes.

A shot in the dark is that perhaps you undervalue how important self nurturing is, how important it is to step away from work when we feel like doing so. Our body doesn’t want to be pushed to the breaking point, its not good for it. When we are relaxed, fluid minded, and open, our work becomes simple, fun, like building something beautiful. When we become overstressed, it becomes a mountain we feel we have to climb. This is why its important to be kind, gentle, and tender with ourselves. All work and no play makes the mind dull, lethargic.

It reminds me of a quote I heard (attributed to MLK Jr) “I have so much to do, if I didn’t spend a lot of time praying, I’d never get it all done). Basically, self nurturing helps us meet our work with freshness, and is an important part of being alive. Also, as a teacher, you’re exposed to higher than normal levels of stress, lots of homework, making it hard to turn off, unwind. All these conditions lead to cloudy mind, empathy fatigue, burnout and so forth. So, what to do?

Consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of inner warm friendship that glows in the chest area, and produces a smooth and peaceful mind. When we practice metta, the mental momentum settles, decreasing the potency of our discursive thoughts. Said differently, if racing mind is like a spooked mare galloping along a path and crashing into brush and trees, bruising… then metta could be described as what removes all the brush and trees from around the mare, so that she quickly realizes there is little to be scared of. Then, maybe she goes an nips at some grass, smells a flower. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Once a day for a week, and you’ll certainly notice the difference. Twice a day for a week, and I’ll bet your wings will sprout. 🙂

Finally, when you notice that your mind is racing, what you can do is move your attention away from the thoughts, and into the feeling of breath in your body. Feel the air move past your nostrils, cooling the cavity back behind your eyes, or the rising and falling of your abdomen. Thoughts are only ripples in the mind, and you can’t beat them with “different ideas”. Rather, we move our attention away from them, and the ripples settle.

Namaste, dear friend, may your heart lead your mind toward tenderness.

With warmth,
Matt

Inky,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand why you have some difficulty relating directly to men. It can be tough when our parents are closed off, because we very naturally want their approval, their love, their affection… and when they don’t give it, it can drive us to get really creative to try to “win” or “earn” their affection… and/or become bitter that nothing we’ve done has gotten us what we need from them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, if we have karma in our connection because of previous comments, I apologize for my side of them. I haven’t liked your advice to some others, and I bow to you in respect. It makes sense why your heart would inspire such solutions as you’ve offered, reflections of some of these unhealed pains. If there isn’t too much aggressiom for me on your side, perhaps we can unweave some of these tangles. My wish is only that your steps along your path are more joyful, more peaceful, more authentic.

Consider that often the nagging itch inside of us when our parent is “off elsewhere” is that we wish to know them better, and especially, wish to know what they think and feel for us. So we dance and press, hope and consider, try and try to find out what is going on. If only daddy would wake up, see his dear daughter crying, and offer her a gentle comfort in the thunderstorm, then the heart would rest easy, knowing that it was safe. But, and this stinks, sometimes daddy is distracted or lost in his own storms, and doesn’t know how to give his daughter tender attention. “Not in his nature” is bullshit, its more like “sorry, I’m waaaaaay too distracted to reach out to you.” Yes, it sucks that you’re kind of far down the totem pole on his list of priorities, but that has nothing to do with you.

Its actually more about him, and what his dad did during the thunderstorms. The way his father was perhaps busy being famous, and tossed any number of things at your dad, but not that which was needed to help him find what you’re now missing too. That sense of unconditional, immutable, infinite love that grows inside us… when we have the space to do so.

We know when its missing, when its not being expressed. He looks at you, and you can see it in his eyes. He’s only a little bit there. You may feel it like “why isn’t he looking at me”, but that’s only because you miss him, yearn for his attention. The truth is that its not about you, its his mind isn’t very present at all. He’s still a scared boy, afraid of what’s around him, stuck in a little room in the dark, lonely. So he hides, darts here and there, plays with comforting, reliable, known toys. He’s older now, so the toys have grown. Now, they’re “people that will do reliable things as I pay them.” He feels alone, and no wonder.

From a different angle, consider that you’re fixating on what you don’t have, rather than what you do. Your grandpas fame gave a benefit of money, hurray, but at a cost of time and tender attention, boo. You, just like almost every child, have to find acceptance of the good things we get from our ancestors, and forgive the lack. We have to sit with them in our own heart space, and just let them be. Not “how could I fix him”, not “what could he do better”, not “how could I win him over”, not “if I was his shrink…”. Rather “what is really there?” He is far more than just a role, just your father. He’s a son, a boy, a man, a fool, an artist. All those things, and like you, fumble and bumble along his path, holding many fears inside.

When you can sit with him peacefully, spaciously, the visions you have of him will change. Not from his side, but from yours. Instead of “oh, he doesn’t invite me to his house on Christmas, how could he do that to me”, it will begin to bloom like “oh my goodness, how sad for him to be so caught up in whatever, that he isn’t excited or yearning for the beauty of Christmas morning reflecting in the eyes of his family. For all he has materially, look at what my poor daddy is missing out on.” Then, your tears for him will fuel your joy, your appreciation of the sparkle in your children’s eyes. Sure, it would be nice if you had that with him, but be glad you have it at all. Many don’t. He doesn’t.

From there, relating to him will become much more simple. No need to manipulate him, such as leaving for months to see if he’ll notice. That’s a lot of work on your side! Why let him control you in such a way? Instead, simply, it can become like “here’s a kiss, daddy. Are you ready to see my beauty? See my tender love that waits like a flood behind these walls that you put up? No? OK, my dear alone daddy, maybe next time.”

With warmth,
Matt

Dez,

In contrast to inkrid’s kindly intended advice, which is centered around being manipulative (again, inky!), consider that a heart to heart is often scary, but if done with compassion, can lead to very favorable outcomes. Consider that your husband has some kind of need that is being filled by this new friend. If your hearts are still connected (and it sounds like they are) then his unmet need is most likely mirroring your own unmet need. So, what’s the need? What’s yours?

So, in the heart to heart, instead of a confrontation, instead of fearing his response, just try to walk hand in hand through the issue. Consider leading with a “hmmm, something is off here, flame is burning low… what do you want in our relationship? Whats missing for you? What would you like from me?” Then, listen close, and figure out what he wants. More flirting? More oral? More sensuality? More what? Then, be willing to adapt. Not as a sacrifce, such as only he gets his desires met… if you have desires or needs that prevent youn from feeling inspired to do those things, speak your piece. Find common ground. “Ah, let’s do it… if you’ll do this, I’ll feel comfortable doing that”, “I’ll totally be into that, if you can help me with this.”

Consider that something has eroded a bit (from stress, stagnation, poor communication etc) but can be rekindled with a little effort. During the heart to heart, the main thing is to say what feels right, even if its scary. Let it out, let your fear of losing him, your love for him, your desire for his tenderness all to pour out. “You don’t do that anymore”, approached with honesty “because you don’t do that anymore.” This will build your half of the bridge of reconnection. If you can keep it as mutual as possible, such as figuring out together what is missing and what you both want to see, then you both have a great chance at being able to find common ground.

Just as a for instance, perhaps what she brings him is a feeling of refreshment, of newness, of connection. If you’ve been burdened by stress, it makes sense that your creativity has been dim lately in the romance department. A common ground might be, he spends time rubbing your feet helping you unwind, you spend time kissing his neck, helping him wind up. Or whatever sings from the heart to heart.

Consider that if he is having romantic visions of this new woman, it may be quite tortuous for him. His promises and heart clashing with his needs and desires, wanting what he can’t have, not wanting what he does have… yikes, what a mess! If you open to him, let him know you want to try to help him meet those desires in the marriage, as long as he helps you in return, then the bridge will rebuild very quickly. It is possible that you two might find you have incompatible desires, but love is brighter than desire in most beings, so if you two turn toward one another, pour out your side of things, common ground usually blossoms simply.

If the distance is a little too vast right now to feel courageous enough to reach out to him in such a way, consider asking him on a date. Instead of assuming who he is, look on him with freshness. He’s not the same man you married, he’s grown. So have you. So, get to know him a little better, throw some flirty curiosity his way and you may be surprised how relieving it will be for him to know you want him in that way.

With warmth,
Matt

Christina,

Modern schools often don’t help some folks, especially when their expertise isn’t analytical intelligence. Said differently, school or online, dropout or not, your intelligence is profound and unique. Especially with the other issue you brought up, consider that perhaps you have lots and lots of emotional intelligence, for which public schools are often nightmarish.

The second problem is a little more pressing I’m guessing. Consider that there is a mixture of things going on. Sometimes when we do not feel confident in ourselves, we don’t feel the strength to just say what we feel and let the chips fall. So, we hint about our desires, imply about our needs, whisper our feelings. This can lead us to assume others also dont speak their mind, and we over-grasp at the others’ words… projecting from our fearful feelings into their words and actions, making them all about us, fearing they’re “hinting” or trying to “tell us something” that they can’t just come out and say for any number of fantastical reasons. All garbage, all unneeded. Just little thorns our hearts gather as we dance among the world.

When they accumulate, such as being around a large group of people and getting a little lost in the flow, later when we’re alone, they can decompress like little lightning bolts. Our emotions begin to unwind (such as fear settling), and as they do all sorts of thoughts come along with them. It can lead to “oh, sheesh, was all that about me?!?” Zappy zappy.

The solution is actually a few things. First, because you have such a deep empathy, a rich heart, its important to protect your tender spaces with self love. Be kind to yourself, gentle with yourself, as though you’re guiding a newborn kitten. Take baths, listen to music that sings to your heart, whatever you find self nurturing, make sure you do plenty of that. My favorite is metta meditation, which is like a refreshing glass of water to a thirsty heart. Not only does it stabilize our mind, but it also keeps our love flowing outward. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. Don’t be afraid to cry.

Second, you’ll have to accept that other people don’t know you better than you know yourself. That’s just insecurity, from being a heartfelt person in an abundantly mental world. There’s nothing wrong with a mind that clicks slower (if it even does) because this allows the heart to grow stronger, which is where all the magic of living really comes from anyway. So, if they say “you should be like this” hinting or directly, don’t let their pressing inside. Its not about you. Instead, pour your love back toward them. “I love you and your pressing into me, say what you will, I will hug you at the end.” It doesn’t have to be out loud or anything, but the basic posture is there.

Finally, consider looking for some like minded people. Meditation groups, yoga groups, artists… there are lots of folks out there that understand empathy and sensitivity to subtler energies, and if you can find some peers that are more in tune with that kind of thing, you might find some light and connection. Said differently, from what you’ve said, you come across as an empath. Someone who picks up on the feelings and egos (and sometimes thoughts, perhaps) of the people around you. This can be disorienting, until you connect with some others. Then it will all start to make sense, and you will be able to see more clearly how much of a superhero you actually are.

Namaste, dear sister, may your mind learn to trust your heart.

With warmth,
Matt