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MattParticipantTro,
Consider that food and vegging aren’t really an issue, the issue is unskillful eating and unskillful vegging. For instance, vegging while watching TV often produces more suffering in the mind. So, while it may be nice to escape our issues for a few hours watching some CSI, at the end its a net gain of mental spinning.
For skillful vegging, consider metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warmth we have in our chest, meaning “friendship”/”loving kindness”. When we veg while growing metta, it produces a peaceful mind, so as we walk, eat, or whatever, we do so from a place of buoyancy and peace. Then, there’s no push for indulgent behavior. When we’re tired, we rest. Hungry, we eat. Balanced, simple.
Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. One nice side effect of metta is that it produces concentration quickly, so when we act, we can see how it really feels. With indulgent eating, for instnce, our mind and body becomes quickly unhappy as we eat. Mouth says yum, body says ick. When we eat healthy, our mouth says “awww, really?”, but our body says “thankyouthankyouthankyou”. Watch, listen, let your body win, and you’ll be fine. The mouth adjusts over time. 🙂 Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDanger,
Dig the new style, its clear the lesson was taken to heart, even while you managed to keep your zest! Thank you for the hard work you’ve been doing, it shows.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantTb,
I’m sorry for your downward cycles, and can understand how difficult the mind can be sometimes. When we come upon negative seeming criticism, we often make one of two mistakes. First, we might feel unreasonably bad that we made a mistake, feel guilt, shame, fear and all that, which clouds our ability to learn from it. Said differently, sometimes we don’t process “oops, darn it” very well. The other mistake we make is when we falsely question our own truth, such as feeling bad for a mistake we didn’t make, but someone else tells us we did. Said differently, sometimes we don’t process other people’s delusions, accusations, judgment (and so forth) very well. Their oops, our oops, whatever, learn, move on. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that we are bound to make tons of mistakes as we learn to find balance, learn to become more skillful with ourselves and the outside world. We stub our toe, ouch, and are left with some painful emotions. As those come up, consider that its like a little wound on your foot… smarting, confusing, vibrant. To seek balance, right now you seem to try to stub your other toe. What a silly thing to do!
Instead, we can learn to breathe through our emotions, see their empty quality, and let them go. Said differently, you’re just having a bad reaction to failure, there is no purpose or drive behind those emotions aside from the habit you’re in. Ouch, blame, self beating, self beating, another ouch, etc.
Consider a different approach. When we stub our toe, we can reach out and soothe it. We don’t blame our foot, the couch we kicked, the universe. Just reach out, soothe it, check for damage, move on. Emotionally its the same. “Mistake!” comes up, real or accused, and the pain comes up. Take a minute, do some breathing, and let the extra bits go. Mistake again, OK, what next. Then, if you can see what went wrong, try to make it right if you can. If you don’t see an error, consider coming back with curiosity. “OK, I’m trying to learn, but don’t see an error… what do you see?” If we can remain open to the feedback, it can quickly become obvious to us whats going on. Either we see the error, learn something new (hurray) or we see their error, and learn something new (hurray). We don’t even have to try to make them see it, we can just let it go and move on.
This helps us grow our authentic humility, as we learn that we’re learning. Said differently, consider that we’re all people learning how to be people, how to become skillful, how to find balance, and so forth. When we feel bad for our mistakes, let it drag us under, it can quickly appear hopeless. No matter how much we try to be perfect, there is always another test around the corner that we fear we’ll fail, or do fail.
The good news is it doesn’t take perfection, rather it just takes noble effort… which the painfulness is there to motivate. Said differently, suffering creates the ickyness that gets us to jump out of imbalanced patterns. So we naturally learn over time, the painfulness diminishes as we learn to be humble. “What is there to learn here? OK, I’ll try to figure it out.” Why bother with guilt? We’re already giving it our best!
Finally, consider that sometimes our past abuses give us a pair of shades that cover our eyes. Our inner light becomes dim from our wounds, and the joy around us fades, looks icky, looks hopeless. Comparisons, lost opportunities, fear, mess, etc. Its up to us to take off those glasses. We can do this through self nurturing, especially spending time wishing ourselves and others happiness. Buddha taught that metta (loving friendship) helps the mind become smooth and concentrated, peaceful. It doesn’t try to get in the way as much, doesn’t put the sunglasses on, and we can simply see the beauty around and within us. This opens up the space very directly around all those “mistakes” or “comparisons” and what not. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. And I hope you’re interested, because it will make it all a lot easier. 🙂
Namaste, dear friend, may your cycles unfurl into lessons, and the lessons into peace.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantPG,
I’m sorry for your suffering, dear friend, and can understand why relationships can be difficult, especially when our role models were a little funky. Or a lot funky. It can leave us with old baggage, habits that stick within us as we see a replay of old movies again and again. They can be overcome, and you already can see the repeating patterns, which is the trickiest part. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that some people are like your dad, throwing tantrums and beating up those weaker than themselves when they get unsettled. Bosses, parents, politicians… people in power sometimes dont use their strength well. That has nothing to do with us, except in our bruises and fears and so forth, the baggage we carry from being beaten on. Setting it down is a matter of patience and forgiveness. Sometimes we wish to hang onto resentment, blame them, fight fire with fire or whatnot, but those emotions are toxic, and unneeded. Like burning our hand on a hot stove, our heart hurts when we become or remain angry.
Instead, what we can do is look deep into our parents, see their imperfections as their own baggage. Consider for instance, how much fun a lot of dads have with their kids. Yours missed out on that,and instead was often agitated, angry, stompy, foolish. And, probably, because of some left over baggage he’s hauling from his own troubled childhood. Said differently, we can look at the people who are (were) abusive much like a being on horseback with little to no control over their reigns. So, they buck and kick and tread on others to their own unfortunate ruin and loss. But, its not realky about us. We are just one bruise on a long series of bruises they give and receive with their world, and thank goodness they came along to show us how not to be. At least we’ve got that… often our abusers don’t! Resting with this helps us detach, and simply work to regrow our side. People fail all the time, even parents, ok, fuck it, what do we do next?
We become the arms around us that we always wish we had. Said differently, we turn toward self nurturing. Consider that your heart has been hurt, dear friend, and needs some tender support to heal. That old pattern, the abuse and all its tendrils, pushes icky emotions into the body. Anger, resentment, greed, fear… all sorts of stuff that you can help yourself let go of. When we get upset, we have to embrace it, give it space to settle, spend some time breathing and letting it pass through us. We don’t wish to hang on to it, it hurts us, but we often don’t take the time to give ourselves the tender hugs we need. We needed them then, and didn’t get enough of them, and we need them now, and don’t give them to ourselves (and others) nearly enough.
Another way of looking at this is like clearing out your old house, so you can choose to decorate it with a fresh perspective. As we breathe, nurture, and let go of the painful thoughts and emotions, bring our mind into the present, breathe some more, etc… we open the space back up inside us, so we can grow what we want to. When we self nurture, such as getting in a bathtub with candles, going for walks alone in nature, appreciating art, listening to soft music, meditating, and so forth, we help our bodies make that space. It is easier to let go of anger, for instance, when we watch a beautiful sunset.
My favorite of these activities is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm and loving friendship that seems to evaporate when a hiccup comes up in our relationships. It may seem like something is broken “out there”, but really, its just old thoughts and emotions have come up and snuffed out our light… the old movie playing again. When we sit and intentionally think friendly thoughts, hold friendly visions and so forth, our mind becomes smooth and peaceful, and we can just sort of ignore the triggers. Sort of like how stepping in a puddle in the summer is a little agitating, but easy enough to keep walking. When the warmth in us fades, its more like a wet foot in winter, demanding our immediate and critical attention. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.
Finally, I’m deeply sorry on behalf of all fathers for what happened to you. I’m an abuse survivor myself, and know how long those wounds can endure, and how they weaken us, absorb our strength as we hobble on. Have hope, however, because as we heal, all that strength we gained living with the pain becomes free to put to use for the benefit of ourselves and others. Then we become more free and light with each step! 🙂
Namaste, may your winter thaw into a rich and vibrant spring.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNorthof60,
Thank you for sharing, and I hope that as you embrace that tender voice, all your dreams come true.
Consider the song Unconditional by Anael, I think she sings well from the tender heart of compassion.
“Feed your heart with special fuel” 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantRuby,
Your confusion is understandable, lots of changes have happened recently in your connection to him. Its difficult to understand those changes without knowing his side. It sounds like he is interested, but fwb or romance is difficult to say without knowing his side. This makes communication such an important part of stabilizing any relationship… we have to talk about the changes, our side of things, and ask for theirs.
Otherwise we end up spending a lot of energy trying to know, trying to figure out their side, relate to fantasies in the mind, and so forth. Said differently, if you’re courageous enough to have sex with him, perhaps you could find the courage to talk to him? Its a little interesting that “we had sex, but talking about our feelings is vulnerable, scary”. You laid naked with him in body, perhaps now is a good time to lay naked with him in emotion. Either he’s right there with you, or he isn’t… and its better to know, in my opinion.
If those were my shoes, I would accept the awkwardness of the changes, emotions, and future, and bring it up lightly, honestly, and with hope. Perhaps you could bring up your side first, with the tingles, the appreciation of the friendship, the budding feelings, the greatness of the sex, the enjoyment of the time spent, the tender attentions… the whole shebang. Let him know how his actions have been received, and perhaps it will strengthen his courage to do more, give more, or even pull back if he was looking for something casual. 13 years is a long time as friends… so consider that the changes are probably disorienting for him too. And, its not all in his hands, you have some say!
Consider that love makes us bold, and we can use that courage to open up. Yes, you might get hurt, but you’ve been through that before, know what heartbreak feels like. For me, the beauty of love has always been worth the potential of heartbreak… because there’s the chance that love will blossom. So for me, I just open and share what I think, feel, and see… and breathe through the responses as best I can, then share some more of what ever comes up. Along the way, we figure it out. Good luck!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLine,
I applaud your balanced approach to the puzzle in front of you, you seem well grounded in your confusion. 🙂 Consider that we all have a unique dance with the world, and vary in our needs. Sometimes we want connection, sometimes aloneness. To dance and play with friends, but also take time to relax, unwind, rekindle our own space. In some cultures (especially western), great value is put on extraversion, as though that’s the way we’re all supposed to be. This is simply not true… quite often extroverts could use a little time on the cushion themselves. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
The first is that the hermit doesn’t go to the cave to hide, rather to separate. When there is a lot of motion and chaos, its sometimes difficult to know where we stand, too much wind, too many bleeps and whirs, too many views. So we head into the cave to let go, come home, unwind. Then, we find our authentic self, or a contented space, and the echoes clear.
This is a normal and usual process, one of the stops on the journey of the fool. When we stop feeling bad about taking time alone, we can be free to just sing and dance around our home naked. But, friendships are also important, and we don’t wish to be neglectful.
This balance, in my opinion, is about being authentic. When we can accept that we are who we are, and like what we like, then we can work to find common ground with our friends, find new friends with more similar interests, be peaceful alone, and so forth.
As far as wanting to honor the friendship but not always go out to the movies, perhaps being authentic here would work as well. “I do like hanging out with you, but I’m feeling like finding something more mellow, I really want to recharge.” Or whatever. The key is just be authentic, courageous, and let the chips fall.
Also, consider a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship inside us, and as we cultivate it, our mind becomes more peaceful, more smooth. This makes us more open and giving to ourselves and others, so when we do choose to connect, its a better experience for them, and us. Plus, a lot of the drive to be in the cave is from the chaos that comes up alongside the dance with the outside world, and metta helps keep the mind quiet, able to let go, see the impermanence of our thoughts, etc, etc. Consider “sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.
Finally, if we stay in the cave too long without reengaging with the outside world, sometimes we can lose touch, things dull, become tasteless. We sometimes falsly think that its because we’re disconnected, alone, but really its because we step away from giving to others, which is what grows joy. Said differently, if you grow the light within the cave, that is beautiful, and good to find your own happiness. Don’t hoard your happiness, try to find ways to share it in your own way, and your glow will stay strong, prevent the aloneness of your path from feeling like isolation.
Namaste, may you find your echoless cavern and share the songs you hear.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantShellie,
Perhaps because you have a beautiful heart, and your love is is like a warm blanket. The more interesting question, why do they deserve your attention? Said differently, dogs bark in some neighborhood yard, but that’s not your home. They reach out for you, but its your choice to question and ponder why. Why even give them even that much attention? Don’t you have your own dreams to build? Things that your heart wishes you to grow?
Focus on that, and let them call after you as they eat your dust. They only have the power you give them, so if you want them out of your space, just ignore their petty backdoor approaches… just breathe, move on, and get back to your dancing.
If there’s a part of you that likes the attention, wants it… perhaps a little digging there would help. Perhaps “why do I pour my affections to unavailable men?” or “what am I hoping to find in their actions?” Could be some self esteem, lack of faith in love, any number of things drawing your attention toward them. What does it feel like?
Namaste, may your mind settle and your heart open its wisdom.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLainey,
I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how difficult it is to move beyond old habits. We grab on to them, look through it like buried treasure, hoping that we find something that sets us free. The problem is all the guilt, because as you try to look at what you’ve done, instead of accepting, finding the needs that drove the behavior, and growing more skillful, it becomes a Lainey Bash-fest. There is no need for your esteem be in the toilet, dear friend, and there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that good people do dumb things, and we sometimes find nourishment in unskillful places. These actions or habits are driven by common needs, and push us to do all sorts of things. They happen, they suck, but we get through it. The good news is it hurts, which means you have a great heart.
Letting go of the guilt is about the authenticity of the repentance, or the honest hope you carry to grow away from adultry, and become faithful. Said differently, your heart is true, and loving to your husband… it made its choice, and you love him! When you were away, your light dimmed as you became stressed, far from home and tons of unknown, hard work, isolation… whew! Then along comes some comfort, a glass of water in a desert. It happens, sister, let it go.
Because when you can, and just learn from your mistakes, then you can be free from them. The pain of guilt turns into wisdom, and we learn. Don’t betray, seems simple. But what about that need? The thirst? It was there before, and it pushes pretty hard.
That is about self nurturing, keeping your needs met. You’re so critical with yourself! Be kind, gentle, tender with yourself. Even goddesses get lost in mazes, dear sister, and your heart is true. That’s why it hurts, because your love is so strong. But you have to be kind to you, gentle. Give yourself some space, both in body, such as baths, soft music, meditation, yoga… But also in heart, forgiving yourself for slipping on banana peels or not being able to be perfect all the time. Not knowing everything. This world is confusing, and our bodies can be the most.
Consider a different picture. When you are away from your husband, and feel lonely… such as a hard day, long hours, and you miss him, miss home, comfort, family. Those moments dim our light, cause our body to be become weary in many ways. Physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. When we self nurture, we refuel that light, bolster our strength. When we’re home, we often get a lot of comfort from our partners. They are attentive, kind, and help us settle, feel warm, glow again.
But when we’re away, if we don’t know how to self nurture, we become lost, dizzy. Things all around us start to sparkle, like Dorothy in Oz. When we take some time to rest, hop in the tub, unwind alone, we can tap those ruby slippers together and bring home with us. Our heart opens, and our family joins us in spirit. We remember their arms around us, touching our hair, and the body rekindles, glows brighter.
Then, the thirst doesn’t happen, or as strongly. Said differently, when we become stressed, if we self nurture (or with our loved ones) and just abide the distance as best we can, then there’s no allure to find comfort elsewhere.
That’s why forgiveness is so important, because before we know how to self nurture, and become patient as we wait for our love to rejoin us… we often get lost in the sparklies. Ten to one he was watching porn while you were away, for instance, and voyerism is participation, know what I mean?
So, we shrug and do the best that we can. Consider, set aside the guilt for now, trust me, take a leap, and just resolve to try the self nurturing thing. My favorite is metta meditation. Metta is the warmth of loving friendship in our chest, and helps our mind become peaceful, smooth, and happy. The body warms, relaxes, unwinds, and we become more giving to ourselves and others. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.
Finally, (whew, long one, sorry!) consider that you dishonor yourself with all that self loathing. You’re a cosmic princess, a hero of heart… that has had some lessons to learn. We all go through our own moons, dear friend, and there is no shame in it. We flub up, learn, grow, and find our freedom, our wisdom. So have faith in yourself, sheesh! Consider, you’re writing your own story, so make it a good one!
Namaste, dear sister, may your wounds close and path come alight.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLaura,
Wow, that’s amazing! Consider that you have such a strong heart, to be able to so quickly peel away from old hurt and blame and take responsibility for your troubled feelings. How refreshing that makes it, how empowering! Said differently, now that we’re looking inward, we have something we can actually do, change we can grow. Namaste, Laura-buddha.
Consider that you are a very passionate person, your emotions vibrant, deep. When he dragged you to work, on his day off, its not exactly a surprise floral arrangement, right? You want to be with him, and would love to go dancing, and instead he brings you to his work. As this sat with you, perhaps it tugged at some insecurity, and woke up mamma bear. Something funky here, and she sniffed around, and began to growl and roar. Then, instead of a dance next to your loved one, it looked like a series of pokes and prods, proof that he’s an asshole, uncaring, ignoring. Mamma bear is a protector, wanting to keep home safe, warm, fun. But when she gets spooked, yeehaw, those claws can really rip and shred.
Consider a different view… when you begin to notice you’re agitated, try to breathe with it. When you were in the car, for instance, and mamma bear was waking up, gathering steam, perhaps if you had breathed “come on mamma bear, let’s do this with gentleness”, and opened up to him, perhaps it would have made sense what he was doing. Was he just trying to get more work done? Was he proud of his work and wanted you to see? Did he want to show off his woman? What were his goals, desires?
Then, you can bring your light, your passion and desire with more stability. Said differently, when we have the space to wish for their desires and our desires to be met, we can try to see everyone happy. For instance, if he wanted to work, and you wanted some ice cream, if you both lay them out there, express the desires, you guys can choose. Maybe just ice cream, maybe just work, maybe one then the other, or whatnot. Sometimes for him, sometimes for you, but either met together, with patience. Metta helps keep that space open, for the record, making our heart strong, resilient.
For helping him open his emotions, become more expressive with his feelings, consider asking him for them. Give him yours, and ask for his in response. For instance “I feel afraid I’ve lost your interest, when you look at me, what do you find beautiful?” At first, it might feel like fishing for assurance, but its the truth, and what you want, so why obscure it? Instead, invite him to flatter you, to sing to you his poetry. And whatever comes, listen, and accept it. It may be a scribble, it may be too “oh, hot body” or “because you cook for me”… but that’s what you’re helping ripen, so accept his attempts in the spirit he gives them. And, reward him for his efforts. Grab him and kiss him, express back in whatever feels right. He’s trying, and loves you… plus, just because he doesn’t know how to sing well, doesn’t mean that you don’t raise his body to song with your passion. Its just a communication issue, and as with many relationships, the woman has to take the lead in growing that, help aim it for both of you.
Finally, consider that the 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 building of anger inside you is a lot like foreplay. Neck to wrist to lips to eyes, passion builds. This is why communication is so necessary, because hot relationships can easily cause blistering. You get used to grabbing hands and running, which is a little ouchy when its in different directions.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantThat makes sense to me. Not only did you have a little space away (making the mind more relaxed and open, exploring) but you were away from home, perhaps a little lonely. So, reaching out for home happened in the wrong direction. Oops! See how slippery flirting is, especially when bounadaries are not maintained? When the desire to play comes up, it naturally moves us toward the people or experiences we play with in that space… like a nagging itch, or star on the horizon, associations in the brain.
“Wow, this is fun, who else is fun?”
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantMoongal,
Its difficult to sit with the unknown, the potential, and remain patient, but this is where we learn our courage. Osho said that in the seed it is safe, the shell, the wall keeping us safe. As we sprout, we encounter the unknown soil, never sure how long before we break through. And there’s never a guarantee that it will blossom, that the exams will go well and so forth.
Courage naturally happens in this space, because we have the strength of spirit to try (like the flesh around the seed, nourishing its push), and so we’re going for it. Fears come up, trouble us, but we begin to see they come from fantasy, unknowns meeting our creativity, and learn to just breathe and let them settle. Said differently, the light of kindness you bring to the world around you (clear to me in reading your heartsong, your honest and caring support of others in need) helps produce a space that let’s those fears evoprate easily when you do choose to let them go.
Then, the mind is far less distracted, and moves toward growing our future much more directly. Said differently, the worry about the exam heightens your attention on the material, but too much and it distracts you. So, if you can just accept the fear of the unknown, and move your attention toward the present, where your light, concentration, awareness is needed, then win or lose you’ll grow. Maybe a degree in this or that, who knows, but there is Jess the whole time, blossoming, beautiful.
And yes, I speak from experience. 🙂 I still feel some shades of fear when I post, like a little nagging chirp in my brain. “Saying too much? Not enough? Aiming right? Helping? Hurting? Ahhhh!”. One of my friends helped me see this same basic healing path. Yeah, unknown, void, and we crash our light against it with our best intentions and focus, and let blossom what might. That’s all we can do! And, when we focus that light on kind actions, we become happy come flourish or wither. Nature being natural.
Also, if you’re in a crunch time, and find your mind cycling away from your studies, consider a little metta work. Even a few moments breathing, “may my mother and father feel warm, loved, known, happy. May my brothers, sisters, dogs, trees…” etc, etc. Kindness soothes a spinning mind like a balm, and as we breathe in the wind in such ways, it passes through, and we’re reminded of our own strength, our own unique beauty that forges bravely into the world to bring some light and grow some food. Then, comparison just doesn’t come up, there’s too much inquisitiveness to bother.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantPaul,
You’re trying to shoulder her karma, which is not for you to do. Said differently, she was flirting with you, and when it got too real, it scared her and she broke away, closed it down. Consider that she was on the same slippery slope, flirting with a married man. It wasn’t “Paul” that made her uncomfortable, it was her own conditions, choices, and so forth. Sure, her breaking off like that might have been rough, but better a rough break than a few nights of sex and many nights of regret.
Its kind of you to feel bad you were part of her discomfort, but the deeper wound is the one to yourself, for falling into that mire. Said differently, why is it more troubling that your hooks were rejected than you tossed them out there to begin with? Be honest with yourself, and the “leaning” you were doing, the thirst that keeps your attention on her, and turn away. Or, if I’m incorrect, forgive me, I’m on your side and simply trying to help you find a more harmonious relationship with yourself and your needs.
If you still can’t let go, consider a mantra. “I’m sorry for whatever discomfort came up between us, and as you go dance out in the world, I hope you find forgiveness and freedom.” Consider that because of the slippery slope, your desire for hearing forgiveness from her is tied into your desire to connect with her again. Perhaps one more hit isn’t what you really need?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantPaul,
I’m sorry for your uncomfortable feelings, and can empathize with how our mistakes can trouble us. Sometimes we get allured by sidetracks, new and sparkly over tried and true. Its really just a matter of impatience, but it blossoms into a lot more as we step further and further away from our sense of right. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that forgiving here is going to have to happen from within, because not all of your mistakes involve her directly. Perhaps the home life was a little shadowy, you two distracted by stresses and whatnot, feeling fear instead of lightness and faith in your mutual efforts to nourish the family, bring the bacon, and all that. So, the flirty was a little light, a blossom in a desert, and you got a little close. When too much of your attention was turned toward her, luckily she closed it down before it went further. You were on a slippery path, and its natural that you lost your footing a little. It happens.
Consider that looking outside your marriage in that way is not the path, son, let it go. Polyamory is fine, if both are willing to walk that path together, but when we make a promise, we should do our best to honor it. Again, its normal to reach for a glass of fresh water when we become thirsty, but a fidelitous heart is important, too.
Which brings us back to the initial thorn, the impatience. Consider that relationships cycle through phases of sun and moon. On a picnic, laughter and joy, is followed by paying bills, or some of the bills, and scratching our heads and biting our nails and so forth. The passion turns elsewhere, stress closing the “picnic field”, interrupting the dance of lovers. And we miss it, because when the music plays and we are hand in hand with our wife, what magic! We married her for a reason, two hearts joining because they wanted to. Perhaps a few more bills and wrinkles these days, but still an incredible beauty when we are looking.
To solve the impatience, consider resigning, repenting, by simply bringing home the life you wish you had. Said differently, if you can see how the flirty texts brought some needed freshness to your step, accept that need is real, and try to inspire it at home. Flirt with your wife. She might have walls of stress or fear between herself and her inner flirt, but you know her tender spots, what brings her happiness, so use your knowledge to wake her up. Capture her attention, fill her view with blossoms and cards and smiles and kisses. You want to do that, or it being missing wouldn’t have driven you away from your promise.
Then, be patient. Perhaps the first bouquet won’t bring out her playful spirit, perhaps not the surprise kisses on the back of her neck. It might take a dozen, or thirty… but let it be your quest, proof to yourself, Gaia, and your wife, that you can be patient while you wait for the sun to come up. Said differently, perhaps you can accept you have a need for playfulness, but instead of outside, grow it inside.
Finally, consider that you’ve been given a valuable lesson in certain, slippery, paths, so to speak. Use it wisely, because it is not good to dishonor ourselves or our home. Not just because of the wife, but for yourself. You made promises, and as you work to keep those promises, less of your strength is lost in cycles of regret, isolation, and brooding. Said differently, hot stove, burnt hand, painfulness, wisdom. Right? That’s enough, let it go, get up, move on. Now, what makes your wife’s river rise? Aim there. 🙂
Namaste, brother, may you find your oasis.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLaura,
I’m sorry for your continued suffering, and can understand why it is sometimes difficult to let go. When we open our heart to another, there is a vulnerability that arises as the walls are let down. Its natural to go a little crazy when we get scared our heartfelt warmth is unreturned or betrayed. The mind kicks and bucks, the body becomes stressed, agitated, fearful. All very natural, very normal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that you two fell very quickly into a place of vulnerability, of love, which may be very storybook, but also problematic. As you’ve seen, prince charming isn’t all rainbows and love ballads, and the princess isn’t all ball gowns and laughter. There is a reality to our lives that challenges us to make the right decisions, to see things clearly, to accept each other as we are… not just lips and hips, but also the poop and grime.
That being said, consider the situation from a neutral side. You dug through his phone, found the friendly kindness that he gives to his ex, and became jealous and afraid. As those emotions arose, not only did they cloud your view of what was really there (him trying to stay in good graces, which is noble of him), but more destructively, it perhaps popped the fairy tale. When we fall fast and hard into love, a lot of the trust we have is in “the power of love” and the fairytale, not the actual man. What assurances did you have that he won’t cheat? Because Prince Charming doesn’t cheat? How well did you actually know this guy? How many of his words, his tender assurances, had you spoken for him?
So, consider the jealous rage, the “This is not how the story is supposed to go”, perhaps as though he broke something, crushed something precious of yours. Consider, however, that you broke the trust first by digging through his phone. Then, again when you fell into anger, jealousy, and rage, instead of trust, patience and curiosity. Said differently, you made the situation all about you, instead of having the space for him to be who he really is. Then, more anger that he didn’t want to try to enforce his boundaries with her while the Laura-firecracker was there!
Its great that you’re looking to find forgiveness, but I think you’re aiming at the wrong person. Perhaps you need to forgive yourself, dear sister, for accidently betraying the love you two were growing. First, by nosing in where you weren’t invited, and then, by being cold and fiery to his heart with what you found.
Imagine you’re sitting on a couch next to him, and you’re twenty days into knowing him. Suddenly, you get an itch, a desire to see beyond the curtain, and so you stick your finger in his nose to see what’s there. You feel a little chunk, pull it out, and then become enraged that he has brought such garbage to the home.
To let it go, consider a few different things about that situation. First, we all have baggage, difficulties, and oddities that require our unique heartfelt adaptations. Said differently, we all have texts, emails, interactions and so forth that challenge us to be kind and skillful. When you encounter those, either internally (your anger) or externally (his texts), consider trying to make space for them, open to them, accept them. Wipe the booger on a tissue and toss it out. For instance, “what a lucky woman I am to be in love with a man that is kind to people, and can set aside differences to bring love to children. And yet, that’s scary.. I better make sure his attentions on her a genuinely platonic.” Or, with the naughty pics, “he could choose to be with her, and he doesn’t… what luck to have a man whose heart is louder than his groin. And yet, I wasn’t there, so don’t know for sure what he said or did.” And so forth. When we do this, try to see what’s really there, or at least give space to find out more, our inner peace doesn’t unravel.
But sometimes, and perhaps here, it thrums across an insecurity, a piece of ourselves that becomes disturbed to see such things happen in our story. “How could he?!?” Or “Love sucks” or “I bet he wants to bang her.” and so forth. These come from our own baggage, our own nosing, and deserve to be let go of as well. Said differently, forgive yourself, as well, for losing faith in him, for mistrusting. It was a chance to bring him kindness, and you failed. Understandably, unavoidably, but still… the space collapsed and you brought fire. This perhaps spread mistrust from your heart to his, as his secrets (insecurities) were torched and burnt.
But all is not lost when love shines, as its light is a healing salve to hurt feelings. Said differently, bent trust in an intimacy is easy enough to repair when both people can see, accept, make space for, and grow from the situation. To start this, first we have to find acceptance for our inner spirit… for instance, the aspect of the Laura-goddess that wishes to be seen, heard, felt and loved but gets scared. Its OK, dear sister, to yearn for him and become fearful that he isn’t in the same place. It sucks a bit that you went so ballistic on him… I mean, yikes, right? But, also consider that the fire you brought was passion, desire, heat. All twisted from fear, but still strong, aimed at him, and wanting to protect your home. That’s great! To be ignorant of how to do that skillfully, to punch instead of kiss, wound instead of heal… all very normal and usual, happens to most of us as we learn to love well. When you can sit with that peacefully, then youre in a good place to bring it up with him. Poised to be strong, honest, and kind as you work together to rebuild the trust.
If that were my wife, the way I would start the healing conversation/path would be: “My love, I still feel unsettled by the way those texts and pics changed our connection. I’m sorry for the fire I brought, I never wish to scour your tender heart with my fears and jealousy. I pulled away from you, and what’s worse, I’m afraid you pulled away from me. Will you meet me halfway between us? I will try to make space to see you being kind and gentle for your daughter’s mother, if try to make space to see my fire as insecurities, and offer a soothing kiss to my flame, help me settle, remember your love, open back up. I wish to just dance with you, freely, with happiness, and wish to see whatever shadows are left between us go away.”
Or whatever it is that your heart has to say, in whatever language and terms etc. Take his hand, try to help each other see it from all sides, patiently, with an aim of mutual overcoming, healing. Then, open together, unpack, connect, share… patiently listen to whatever consequences of the behavior have. It takes time to heal, as you learn to ask for assurances, and he learns to give them. As you learn to see that his love for others is not a threat, and he learns that his love has to have specific, strong, and clear boundaries to protect his home. Etc. Your heart, speaking to his, and his speaking to you. When stuff comes up, just start again, recreate the space between you, see it from all sides, accept, and hand in hand find a path home.
One of my teachers said that its not mutual desire that keeps a relationship together, its mutual view. For instance, it doesn’t really matter that much to the heart if he wishes to be kind to the ex, and you wish for him to tell her to go screw herself. What matters is whether or not you can see it from the same space. Can you see what he is really doing? Can you see the choices he’s making? Can you hear why? Can he see the Laura behind your actions? Can he see why you react like you do? Are you two hand in hand, looking at the same sky? The same environment outside the home?
Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship in our chest, and is like our inner light. When we chug through tough emotions, feelings, experiences, our light can dim. Then the mind becomes more spinny, agitated, unsettled. When we sit, rest, and concentrate on wishing ourselves and others to be happy, peaceful, nourished… the warmth rises, the mind settles, and the light rekindles, grows brighter. Then, we don’t use up our precious concentration on useless mental fantasies (all the what ifs and so forth), and can instead turn our attentions to growing what we want to grow. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested.
Namaste, dear sister, may your passions temper and your joy blossom.
With warmth,
Matt -
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