Jo,

It sounds like the soft heart of compassion is blossoming inside, which is wonderful. Consider that when we see other people suffering, of course we wish to help. However, we also have some diligence to protect our soft heart. Said differently, the warm considerations in your heart are like tender shoots of growth. With time they grow deeper, stronger. For now, it’s enough that you see. Do your best to do no harm, and be patient with yourself and them. Suffering and ego struggle has been around for thousands of years, the world can wait a few months while your warm glow grows strong.

In the meantime, consider taking an approach that is open. The usual example is “answer questions if asked, otherwise don’t meddle”. It is very usual for a newly growing heart to go out and “beat people up with truth” because of how enthusiastic and full of hope we become. “Just grow, damn you, can’t you see how much more difficult you make it?” That gets tempered with time, as the shoots grow into thick roots. Much like a girl might make additional messes as she helps her mom clean up, our desire to change others (even for their benefit) often makes it more difficult for them.

That’s why when we’re beginning, we simply answer questions. Instead of worrying whether or not they feel seen, simply be joyous, alert. Let them see your smile, your heart. They might see you have something, and be more likely to approach you with “what do you do to be so full of light? What do you see?” Then you can let them know they’re seen, and the heart aims with simplicity, such as simply knowing what you want to say, saying it. Like breathing in and out, the warmth and light flows though us.

With warmth,
Matt

Hayley,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how hopeless things can appear at times. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. Consider grace only happens when we are open enough to receive it. I hear how concrete all your dreams are, how sure you are of who you are and what you want, and wonder if there is any room in the cup. Said differently, our dreams grow alongside us, adapting to the situations we’re in. Fulfillment doesn’t come from specific events happening, but from our acceptance and willingness to dance with what we have. This is when we can allow our dream to grow around us, rather than seeing consistent proof that our dreams aren’t possible.

This becomes a game of patience and gentle tending, as we learn to let go of our old dreams, in favor of growing a new dream. The parts of the old dream that are still important to us, we look to satisfy in a different way, look at the need inside us, and patiently let it grow. Said differently, if old plans fell through, its time to come up with a new plan. That other plan can’t happen, so you say, so why torture yourself by clinging to it? You really think there’s only one single space for you? Only one destination that brings you joy? It’s actually sort of true, but the destination is internal, the “oh, only in Hawaii would my heart find contentment” or “with this kind of job/man/portfolio I would be happy” is garbage, untrue. Joy is something we carry with us.

That being said, the feeling of dissatisfaction here and now is powerful, a mountain. That’s actually awesome. Consider that you have a huge backpack of stones, a mountain of debt and conditions that keep you feeling crushed. Why is that awesome? Because you’re very strong to be carrying such a load. Consider that for every big, compressed nugget you communicated, you did so with power and alertness. “Look, these pieces” pulling no punches, hiding very little of your stink. So right now, all that strength is being put to use carrying the backpack, the mountain. As you learn to settle the stones and be done with them, all that strength is reclaimed, like taking off the training weights from your ankles.

Now, the tough part. Why did the dreams crumble? Usually fear comes up, and moves us toward selfishness. Said differently, the more selfish the dream, the less likely it will come true. Nature doesn’t move toward islands, rather it moves toward harmony. So, if we want our dreams to come true, our best bet is to try to find a path of mutually meeting desires. Good for them, good for us. I say this with no judgment for you, dear sister, such dreams happen to all of us before we find our co-creative one.

Coming from a different angle, consider that when we go through a difficult time, our light dims. Where we once believed in ourself, felt like dancing, and danced, now we feel lost, broken, aimless. What once seemed like a puzzle now appears an endless maze. Before we try to sort out the pieces, we do better to rekindle the light and clear a little space. This is done through self nurturing. Consider spending time alone, in a quiet space, and let your body unwind. You have far more strength than you believe, I can see it clearly in just how much you carry. Yes, it’s heavy, but dear daughter, as you settle those stones, one by one, all that passion turns back into light, strength applied to your momentum instead of carrying the load.

And don’t worry, finding “warmth” and “space” to unpack those stones isn’t something you have to do alone. The journey to wellness often blossoms with many teachers, hands reaching back. It’s OK to need help, and you’re strong enough to ask for help, which means you practically win already. Plus, your resonance with service to others… such a naturally loving woman has a heart that is easy to rekindle. The best way I know of for this is metta meditation.

Consider that when we spend time staring at our baggage, we get sucked into it, ruminate, spin. This uses up our precious strength, and closes the space. When we spend time cultivating happiness, we open up that space, and the mind becomes smooth and peaceful. Then, those “dark, miserable hinderances” burst with the information we need to settle them. Said differently, when we get in the good habit of wishing for the happiness for ourselves and others, we rekindle that inner light, and become buoyant, resilient, adaptive. We hold the dream alive inside us, rather than despair it’s not around us. This gives us a freshness that lets curiosity meet our challenges with calm innovation. “Hmm, hehe, ok, so what’s here getting in the way” rather than “Sigh, more proof that life is a shithole of misery.” Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. It’s about the best thing a person can do for themselves, as it provides a stable foundation for everything else. As one teacher put it “If million people practiced metta, there would be a million peaceful people, happy people, people with concentration.

Finally, I know how difficult it can be to be patient with our pain and darkness. We feel so alone, helpless, weak. You’re not alone in that space, dear sister. The lucky ones go through the dark night in one way or another, meet crisis. The light is just a few steps ahead, and with all that strength… you’ll have to let go of the old dreams for ones far more beautiful, as you discover just how bright a star you really are. Said differently, consider how much pain you experience from your mind and environment bashing into your tender heart. That’s your strength, turned in the wrong direction. As you self nurture some more (30 minutes of metta practice a day even for a week) that strength turns in a better direction, and will help you grow a new dream. With luck, of course!

Namaste, dear sister, the Buddha in me to the Buddha in you.

With warmth,
Matt

Jess,

Consider supplementing your breath meditation with a metta practice. Much like breath meditation helps us make space in the mind to observe thoughts, metta practice helps cultivate positive emotionality that creates emotional spaciousness. Consider that when a thought or experience arises that sings to you of anxiousness, your body has a reaction. Chemicals in the brain release, and a woosh of emotion comes up.

When we can smile at that emotion, then it settles quickly. Just an emotion, no biggie. We have space in the mind to let thoughts settle, space in the body to let emotions settle. Peaceful endurance, and the wind blows the clouds away.

After the emotion settles, we can look deeper at the trigger, and offer compassion, warm space. Instead of trying to stop the emotion (suppression), or chase down a trigger to try to dismantle it (avoidance), we can just let the information pour through (calm abding). The long term goal is to let them settle, of course, painful emotions are painful. But we can accept that emotions and thoughts move through the body consistently, so good thoughts, good feelings, bad thoughts, bad feelings come up and go, wind sometimes blowing in clouds, sometimes blowing them away. And there is Jess, walking and breathing.

From another direction, consider that sometimes when we spend too much time in our head, the body becomes restless. Its a good time to get a little grounded, spend more time in nature, give physical space to the body, spend time helping others, and so forth. We can let go of the obsession with ourselves, and simply keep our toes moving along the path. Sort of like stubbing our toe… hurts like crazy, but we can laugh that we didnt see the couch there and just hobble for a few minutes while we get on with what we were doing. If that “doing” involves being kind and helpful to yourself or others, even better. Then the toe pain seems small, impermanent, a natural result of misaiming the foot. But even so, its only a stubbed toe, so no need to obsess. When our mind remains undistracted in this way, we have more available resources to watch where we put our feet. If we start digging inside for whatever caused the stubbed toe, we might very well miss the chair, and stub it again. Hehe,
what a journey!

With warmth,
Matt

Gavin,

Namaste, I hear your view, and will do my best. Consider that perhaps you’ve fallen into spiritual materialism, or the wrong view that places happiness as the goal. Where others turn to trinkets or toys or sense pleasures, perhaps you turn toward the cushion. Fill up with some happy juice internally, then try to figure out how to connect, what to say, what to do and so forth. This is worth untangling, and connects with the romance question.

In the loving moments, perhaps when you see couples out there dancing, you have no expectations or fears. So, resting, peaceful, you empathize compassionately. There is plenty of space, your pallet is fresh, so it remains vibrant, beautiful. When you’re three inches from kissing a person, there is fear, uncertainty, or attachments to previous failed romances. Those slide in between you and your exeriences and there is an instinctive “pulling back”, like when the eyes constrict to protect from too much light. The result is it “looks pale” or “tastelessness”.

Back to the spiritual materialism… consider that wanting to be happy, finding happiness is actually a byproduct of a much more important, relevant practice. When we practice happiness cultivation, the intention is to increase the spaciousness of mind, through concentration. This is what let’s us part through the chaos with inner stability, trust. This upgrades happiness (transient, fading) into joyousness (peaceful buoyancy alongside emotions) as we can accept that emotions come and fade, illusion comes and fades, and here we remain, breathing, perceiving, content, stable. Said differently, materialistic happiness (spiritual or otherwise) always fades with the sunset. Genuine joy is the warmth that remains inside us whether the mind is silent and open, or noisy and compressed. As we move from happiness cultivation into joy cultivation, space cultivation, those fears and old attachments blossom without all the mental rumination. Perhaps the first kiss is scary, but that fear meets the space and settles, but the kiss feels awkward, which also meets the space. The second kiss is less scary, meets even more space, and is gone. The third kiss sparkles more, fourth kiss and we get in the groove… etc. Whatever dissonance arises in the first kisses meet the space, and we adapt simply, peacefully.

Happiness in this “dharmic glide” is a byproduct, certainly helps, but when sorrow arises, it doesn’t slide into rumination and afflictive emotional cycles because of the space, which doesn’t usually grow alongside the “sparkle hopping” in materialistic intentions… we’re too busy looking for more jewels or avoiding stuff that threatens the ones we have. Wisdom, fancy cars, philosophic rhetoric, big houses… we grab, cling, defend, seek. Where’s the love?

Love is another byproduct of the space. Said differently, love naturally arises inside us when we co-resonate with our environment. When we’re not distracted by ourselves, when the space is open and we rest, waiting, patient… we take in our surroundings, see the stories around us, and empathize, feel compassion. Some describe compassion as “co-suffering” or that co-resonance that we feel when we let ourselves attend what’s around us. Placing the past and the future aside, to bring our concentration to the moment. And then, we’re free. We can get up, look around at what’s there and make some choices. The better we get at making choices (consider, aim for compassion as a general rule of thumb), the less clouds roll in. Space in, space out as it were.

Finally, creating a scale of enlightenment is part silly, part dumb. Consider that there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. For instance, I know many Christians that wouldn’t know impermanence or describe the eight fold path, but their beliefs guide them toward loving like Jesus, which is very compassionate, sacred. In terms of the helpful and kind actions that get visited upon the downtrodden, christian churches are right there, offering help to those in need. In some ways, their path to love is simpler. For those of us who peer behind the curtain… we have to find a path of balance that makes more sense than some ancient stories and fables. Both paths are full of bumbling and stumbling, as you, me, they, we look outside and inside and upside and whichways for love. The lucky ones wake up, look around, stop feeling like they’ve been grown, and start tending the garden. 🙂

Whew, sorry if that misaims or dives a little deep, but your mind seems strong, and in need. Namaste, brother, may your space grow outward.

With warmth,
Matt

Charles,

I am sorry for your suffering, and know how dark the path can appear at times. Don’t despair, dear brother, there is always a path to joy. Sometimes when we don’t know where to aim, we get stuck in cycles. We find some strength and courage, and our light shines, we begin to find ourselves a little, find our stride. Then, something fizzles, and we begin to crash, avoid, set down, pack away. Then, we sort of hibernate until we get bored enough/pained enough to try again. Whew! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, if you’re feeling suicidal, please reach out beyond a message board. There’s a national suicide hotline, and there are some good folks that can help. Sometimes strength is best used to reach out for help, and talking can often do wonders.

However, if those are expressions of hopelessness, like a dread that it will never get better, so why bother… those we can work with, unravel, settle without too much trouble. Said differently, sometimes our difficulties are chemical, biological, and reaching out locally (even CMH if you’re in a country that has those services) might help you find balance. It.might take some time to figure out just what, but keep at it. I have a friend that has bipolar disorder, and it took her a few tries to get the right combination.

That being said, there is a possibility that its from “chaotic mind” or an over abundance of stress. If you shower people with kindness, but don’t take time as the little spoon, receiving tender care, then no wonder it drains, feels heavy. Consider investing your strength in specifically, intentionally, giving to yourself like you would give to her.

When she came home from work, and her body was tense, her muscles sore, heart strained from her daily do… what would you do? Wrap your arms around her? Tell her she’s loved? Make space for her stories? Run a bath for her? Consider that you know how to be kind, but perhaps feel silly or undeserving of that time and attention. Instead, you aim at “the mystery” or go on “the hunt” for a solution to the sewage issue. No need, just open up the space by being kind to yourself in that spirit.

My teacher called this “holding open the back door” or letting the wind just blow through. My favorite self nurturing activity is metta meditation. Metta is the warm, buoyant, friendliness arising in our chest area, and was taught by the Buddha as a method of helping the mind become smooth, develop concentration quickly. This makes it easier to settle, become peaceful, relax, reopen our curiosity. Consider “sharon salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Then, of course there is some emotion to process. The metta or other kind and tender actions you aim at yourself will help open up the space, free yourself to make some choices and stick to them. I love the way you gravitate toward kindness, that’s actually pretty awesome. Kind of like tossing kindness out there, hoping it will do something. The problem doesn’t come from sharing kindness, it comes from expectations. We try to give some kindness to receive some in return, to be validated as a kind person, for some result… and if it goes awry, we feel suffering, loss, disappointment. Instead, we can rest in our intention of being kind, like an inner mantra or “open space”. Then, we can just give whatever seems right, and that’s enough.

Said differently, as we self nurture, be kind to ourselves (in loving actions), then our kindness grows without strings. We give to others, but also to ourselves in continuing to grow it. Not just as an antacid for an upset feeling, but proactivly, steadily. Sweeping under the carpet doesn’t make sense, because we come to feel the warmth erode when we do that. Better to sit and breathe, become patient as our emotions settle. Metta is great for that, because it also helps quiet the mind very quickly.

Finally, consider that Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance about how to find balance in our life. We have teacher and parents who did their best (if we’re lucky) but still themselves have their shit, their mistakes, patterns and so on. So we all get pushed out of the nest, and stumble along until we find our heartsong. So be patient, forgive early and often, accept it’ll take some time to grow a new chapter. Even here, if these ideas seem resonant but are difficult to envision, you can just print them out, approach it slow. The path of healing waits for us to be ready, so whatever advice you find, take some time to find out what sings to you, what’s true for you, what works for you.

With warmth,
Matt

TR,

I love the direction you’re taking with this. Consider that even with all that, cycling from judgment to pride to isolation to shame, being an imposter, and all… you are still 100% deserving of connection. For the rich and poor (both sides) there is extra challenge. Having a lot of social power (money, connections) make pride and “seeing others as below us” very slippery, difficult to settle. For those without much social power (empoverished, isolated) the feeling of shame and “seing others aa above us” is very slippery, difficult to settle.
And the strength of your heart shows when you saw humility as the lack, or part that needs some help. Authentic humility solves that very cycle. Consider spending some time seeing how we are all standing on the shoulders of giants. From the tech we use, science we have, the resources of our elders… all part of the conditions that surround us. So when we cling to the notion of “look at what I did” or see it in that way, we become attached to the results we see instead of remaining content, happy.

Keep going!

With warmth,
Matt

Scarlet,

Good luck on your recovery! Have you heard of metta meditation? Metta is a warm feeling of friendship arising in the chest, and helping it grow can really bring a lot of peacefulness to our mind. Consider checking out “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. It can be surprising just how different everything looks when our inner light is burning bright.

With warmth,
Matt