Kirsten,

She sounds like a mother hen, and perhaps thinks of you more like a daughter than a tenant. Also, it sounds like she might be lonely, and trying to connect with you. For me, when I’ve been in a similar situation, it has been dismantling on both sides to turn around, throw my arms around the mothery being and thank her for caring enough to try to help me have better broccoli. That kind of gentle guidance is a rare jewel in our world, even when its not aimed very well. Said differently, perhaps do a little better at creating and enforcing boundaries, and then you’ll be more free to see her heart, her attempts to connect and so forth. Or, if you are creeped out by her attention, find a new place to live. There’s no reason for our life to be an endurance trial!

Just try to settle that “there’s nothing I can do, I need to be polite to her” nonsense. Its more disrespectful to ignore her boundary violations, because it leads to resentment. Said differently, do you know why she stares into your laundry? She admire your clothes? She judging your laundry skills as undeveloped? She miss doing laundry for her daughter? Have you asked her? “What is so facisinating about my underwear and socks for you? What are you doing?” If she presses in, press back, figure it out. Tell her to bugger off or give her hug or whatever. Just not confusion, hiding, accepting, suppressing. Not good for her, not good for you. IMHO, of course.

Namaste, may you find your sacred space, and let it become “by invite only”.

With warmth,
Matt

The Ruminant,

I enjoy your question, and can understand the puzzle of connection with others. The short answer is yes, its possible to have deep, intimate connections with people you don’t have sex with. It starts with self compassion, or having enough warmth and space to let yourself be who you really are. This creates a stable, inner ground that makes being vulnerable with others less scary. Said differently, intimacy requires honesty, which requires trust. Other people might not have that trust, but if we have self compassion, we can bring ourselves to the connection if we wish to… and they can set down their veils and show up too if they feel like it.

As I read your questioning, the first thing that sprang up in my heart is “I wonder why TR is afraid of being open with others?” Sure, there is some social conditioning (only be open with your mother, doctor, or romantic partner) but many don’t buy into that one. Said differently, you might be surprised just how many people actually are showing up, vulnerable, real, and open. When someone isn’t, we just can’t take it personally… such as being open with someone that is still putting on heirs, trying to sell themselves, scared to be honest, or any number of other types and shapes of walls. That’s just from their karma, their attachments, their delusions or whatknot… it doesn’t really have much to do with us.

And then, what a relief! To have trusted friends and fellow travellers that know us? Hear us? Make space for us? How wonderful it feels to have such freedom!

Another way I look at it is like the depth and directness of a sangha connection. Spiritual friends help one another stay alert, awake, practicing. They call us on our shit, point out our unseen beauty, help us widen our view, see around corners and bring support and momentum to our growth. And we do the same for them! “You have a huge booger hanging out of your nose, want a tissue? And yes, if I ever have a booger hanging out, let me know. Namaste”. If we can accept that sometimes we have it hanging out, sometimes they do, and the whole imperfect mess of needs, desires, words, delusions and boundaries, then we don’t feel ashamed of our mistakes or awkwardness, or judge others for theirs. We do our best to shake hands with our whole heart, and sometimes someone shakes back with theirs. Otherwise, we feel good knowing that we were present, open, ready and accepting.

With warmth,
Matt

Archie,

Thank you for opening up a little, and I’m empathetic to your suffering. Sometimes when we’ve had a critical parent, or otherwise experience love that feels conditional, we can become scared that just around the corner is some choice we make that will be devastating, destructive to our peace. This pushes us to close off, put up veils, walls, to hide. And yet, inside us is a deep yearning to connect, to be seen, heard, touched, tasted. This creates an exhausting tension between wanting to connect, and being scared to death to connect, or feeling unworthy of that connection. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps you’re looking in the wrong place for your self value. You’re not lovable because of something you do, the way you look, the way you think… you’re lovable because of the energy and reality that flows through you. Trying to know everything, being perceived as an expert, being seen as capable, as strong… all collapse under the weight of the “what ifs”, because your mind is very powerful and creative. Said differently, sometimes we try to seek enough knowledge to feel safe, to be free from fear. This fails. Instead, we can grow our courage, which gives us genuine freedom from fear. Fear doesn’t stop arising, rather, it stops inspiring our actions, our hiding. “Oh, yeah, this feels like fear… let’s try it anyway.”

In the growth of our path, this shows up by asking the questions that actually matter to us, to those that can help us. For instance, instead of approaching a teacher, and attempting to sell them a version of ourselves that is strong, put together, to prove we deserve their attention, we can simply accept that they are there for us, and ask them the questions that really trouble us. I remember a physics class that I did poorly in many years ago because I was seen as the smart one, and so when I had questions, I felt scared to ask because it might shatter that image. Luckily, I met a few uncompromising teachers that had the ability to ferret out my veils, invite me to set down that image, and help me come to a stable inner ground.

In romance, it is much the same. We feel that romance blossoms because we are beautiful, smart, funny. This is not true. Romance blossoms when two people both show up. They say what’s on their mind, in their heart, and share in that space, that vulnerability. “I don’t know how to kiss”, for instance, can be simply shared with someone. The what ifs turn that into a shameful “I’m ignorant and broken, no value to a mate in the kissing department”. However, when we just relax and admit our ignorance to our partner, we get to go on a journey of exploration and learning about ourselves and each other as we figure out what we like, what they like. “I don’t know how to do a relationship” becomes a shared exploration of mutual needs and expectations. No rules, no perfect way of kissing or relating… just you, what comes to you, him/her, and what comes to him/her. Heart to heart, free, open. What you like, what he/she likes.

Consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work on shame and overcoming it. Her book Daring Greatly approaches shame in a very helpful way, and has soothed the fears of many isolated souls. Her TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability” is also wonderful, and may resonate with you as well. As we feel fear, dive in anyway, and work through whatever comes of it, we become confident, resilliant. Sure, we might trip and fall a bazillion times, stub our toes or our hearts, but we can weather failure, nurse our toe, and get back up, keep walking. Along the way, we become more skillful, and then the what ifs lose their power to control us.

Finally, consider doing some loving kindness meditation. When we are children, we are ignorant of where our inner light comes from, and try to hide and protect it from nature, chaos, others. As we mature, grow up, step forward as the goddess we are, we realize that our light is unquenchable, grown from our endless, gentle kindness and support we have given to ourselves and our extended human family. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” is on YouTube, if you’re interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may you find your strength.

With warmth,
Matt

Jason,

Sometimes when we get wrapped up in the quest, climbing the mountains, we lose sight of the joy. Much like we can see a treasure chest off in the distance, and tunnel vision toward it. Then, we open it, have a pile of gold that brings some satisfaction for a few moments, before looking for another chest. Then, we look back with pride at all the gold we’ve accumulated, but find ourselves feeling empty, numb, restless. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its sometimes said that “its not the destination, its the journey” that brings us joy, and that is true. Consider for a moment that when the joy comes from the treasure (accomplishments, accolades, etc), we hop from success to success… having to climb another hill as soon as we reach the crest of one, in order to ascend some mountain of “being a successful man”. Blah! Hogwash! Instead, we can see the hill, the treasure, and aim to get there, but during each step, take a look around and see what’s there. That’s where the happiness is, the joy. Said differently, numbness arises when we are out of tune with our senses, so focused on mapping the forest that we miss the beauty of the trees.

The solution is actually quite simple, but requires some time and effort. Consider either spending some time meditating, relaxing, unwinding… so that you can rest more directly in the present moment, more acutely connected to the world around you, right now. Or, consider doing some charity work. Being generous with our time, attention, and affection helps to remind us of the many blessings that grow around and through us.

With warmth,
Matt

Archie,

From here, it seems like perhaps you have a difficult time accepting your ignorance, the unknown, the potential. Said differently, perhaps a better direction to aim would be “what am I afraid of?”

It reminds me of a story I heard from a woman now in her thirties. When she was in highschool, she had a deep friendship with a boy. Their intimacy was strong, they laughed a lot, had a lot of fun. Then, he asked her out. As soon as she said yes, she became terrified, and dodged him in the halls. At night, she would lay in bed and say “OK, tomorrow, I’m just going to go up to him and kiss him”. But then, as soon as she saw him, she’d dart away, go hide. After a week, one of their mutual friends came up to her and said he wanted to break up with her. She was so relieved, and could finally hang out with her now ex again. For her, there was a strong fear, an uncomfortableness, that came up when the boundaries became muddied, changed.

Usually, when people are feeling a lack of love or connectedness with friends or their partners, it has to do with that fear rather than some “mystery of love”. Love blossoms when there is space for it to grow, and fear collapses that space. Said differently, consider that perhaps “I don’t feel love for anyone but my family” is the same as saying “I feel afraid to open up to anyone but my family”. The question becomes: why? Are you afraid that you don’t know how to dance? Afraid that you should know all the steps already? That someone will see behind the veil and decide you’re not lovable? That being in love obligates you to give up something? What? Why?

With warmth,
Matt

Jess,

For me, the middle way has come to symbolize the path between extremes into the emptiness/potential of a balanced choice. For the Buddha, it was seeing that transcending suffering wasn’t about wrestling control from body, such as denying its needs. Also, it wasn’t the extreme of giving in to the body’s every whim. Instead, it is about sorting the skillful from the unskillful, such as stopping eating when we are full. What desires are inside us that lead to liberation, freedom, space? What desires are inside us that lead to self denial or self grasping? This allows the 8fp to be a natural erosion of the unskillful in favor of the skillful, gently removing that which is unhelpful, unhealthy.

In Chad’s example, the cut grass and flowers are more pleasing, stable, beautiful to Chad, which gives him a stable home from which to do compassionate acts. So in that instance, the middle way becomes a balance between planting flowers for his own peace of mind, and planting flowers for others for their peace of mind. Not planting flowers for himself would be self denial, or planting too many (or only) flowers for himself would be self indulgence. Either of those are less joyous for him, less nourishing to him, and so the skillful Buddha inside him looks to plant flowers for him appropriately, and for others appropriately. What a blessing!

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear dreamer, and wish you peace and light. Consider that you can’t change mom, or the accountant… if they choose to ignore healthy boundaries, that is what they will do. And really, its their loss… for while you have to cycle with some shame and anger over getting your boob grabbed and mom laughing at your pain… they endure a lasting, empty space inside that becomes filled only from mutual respect and care. Said differently, love doesn’t rest easy in the hearts of those who ignore boundaries and the sacred nature of our bodies, our free will, our space. So they spin and seek and grab and squeeze, looking for light and connection unskillfully. Hugs to you, sister.

With warmth,
Matt

Junohara,

Congratulations on stepping forward bravely with the intent of health and self knowing! Sometimes when we’ve been codependent for a long time, we become so used to getting esteem and value from others, that when we step away from them, we feel restless, empty, without value. This is normal, and fades with time. Here and now, though, where the pain and craving arises, it is little help to know that “somewhere down the line” things will be OK.

Consider a different view on what has been happening. Imagine self esteem like water, and every time we got thirsty, we’d run to someone and ask for a glass to settle our need. When we stop running to others, we don’t have their glass anymore, but we do have the thirst. That’s perhaps what you’re experiencing. Just thirst, emotionally.

Consider that self nurturing is the key to being able to satisfy that thirst without others. When we take time to be kind, gentle and patient with ourselves, that thirst naturally goes away. No need to hop from friend to friend or partner to partner… satisfaction and peace comes from just you, your bathtub or meditation cushion, and your inner spark. Consider perhaps metta meditation, which is all about cultivating feelings of warm friendship inside us. When we sit in loving friendship for ourselves and others, we refuel, refill, drink deeply. Our mind becomes smooth, content, peaceful. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Said differently and from a different angle, consider that codependency patterns are pushed forward by the thirst for human connection. The thirst isn’t the problem, such as “just don’t need connection” or “something is wrong with me that makes me so needy”. We all have that need, humans are social animals. However, we can grow that connection inside us, as we open up to ourselves and care for ourselves. Then, we switch our diet from fast food (seeking validation from others, self value from others), to healthy garden vegetables (self nurturing, seeing our own value). Don’t be ashamed of the hunger, just eat in ways that are more nourishing for you! You are your own tender caretaker, and deserve all that kindness you’ve been giving to others.

With warmth,
Matt