Alison,

Has it occurred to you that he has picked you? It seems you are habitually pushing him (in your head) into her arms. You even named them Jack and Jill! Bumps like your jealousy don’t inherently hurt an intimacy, but the pulling back, the hiding and so forth can. Were I in your shoes, I would definitely have a conversation about it with him.

Consider that males often have a “forging ahead” mentality, where they look at and interpret their environment analytically rather than emotionally. So when he says “wow, you do such and such much differently than Jill” it may have nothing to do with his desire, his emotion. Just noticing differences and sharing with you. “Wow, you tilt your head to the left when you kiss me, and Jill tilts her head to the right. How interesting.” When this brushed across you, it perhaps became painful because he seemed to be comparing, judging. He might have been, but most likely not. That would have been a good time to ask “and do you like my left tilting kisses?” Rather than assuming he means “I wish you were more like her”. They did break up after all, so even if you think she’s such and such and so and so better than you, that’s in your mind, not his. What does he see?

Being in a relationship is usually scary, because we become naked and vulnerable with one another. So, your feeling of fear is normal, usual, and expected. It seems to me the mistake you’re making is letting the fears fester, painting tons of fantasy, then deciding Jack and Jill are a better match than Jack and Alison. Where’s Jack’s opinion on the matter? Are you deciding that for him? Too scared to ask? Too scared to trust?

Finally, consider the kindly advice Mark gave in starting a metta practice (loving kindness meditation). As he noted, the core of icky feelings inside perhaps keeps the obsessive actions and thoughts pushing forward. Much like a horse with a burr under its saddle might run and kick. As you sit and learn to settle, open, rekindle your lightness, those obsessive actions and thoughts will perhaps simply go away. Said differently, if the light inside you is bright, Jill and her curves and smiles and such will get boring pretty fast, and you’ll find something more interesting to do with your time. Maybe smell some flowers, tell some jokes, or whatever. This is a pretty big planet full of wonder, and investing so much time into obsessing over Jill is pretty wasteful. 🙂

Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. Even once a day for a week may provide a significant amount of relief.

With warmth,
Matt

Aquarianmoon,

I’m sorry if it disappoints you to know, but your problems are not very exceptional. Uniquely you, sure, but your issues are normal, usual, boring. You had a tough childhood, and didn’t get enough love. So you sought that love in bottles, penises, vaginas, arms, lips, whatever. Booooring. You and most people do the exact same thing until we learn. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance how to find joy, and we stumble and bumble along the way consistently. Said differently, perhaps you think you “should” have known better. But how could you?

In my opinion, you are far too entertained by your stories, your issues. Of course they seem big, such as “look at what IIIII did, I’m such a uniquely unlovable being, did much harm to myself and others”. Yep, normal. Yep, boring. You’ve had nothing done to you or done by you that hasn’t been done billions of times. Nothing unlovable.

That being said, of course there is the real issue of feeling shitty about yourself. I think this is where revisiting the affirmation you deny might be useful. Are you in control of yourself? Can you just stop feeling guilty? Stop feeling shitty? Consider “not being in control” is much like “can’t grow a rose from a thistle seed”. Said differently, perhaps you can’t just find some idea or some therapist that will awaken your self love. Its something you have to grow over time. This is where the real magic comes in, dear friend.

Consider that perhaps you’ve been approaching it the wrong way… wielding a sword, slicing through your bullshit, stopping yourself from acting certain ways. A conqueror of the old you. This leads to enormous pressure, usually… like shaking up a soda bottle. Instead, consider that as you move toward being gentle with yourself, patient with yourself, the patterns that trouble you naturally erode. Said differently, spending time alone being kind to yourself is a much more lasting repair than wearing a chastity belt, filling your fridge with club soda, or beating yourself up with guilt. As you spend time surrounding yourself with peaceful experiences, such as taking a bath, walking in nature, or listening to soft music, the pressure inside relaxes, unwinds, releases. Then, there’s no crisis to solve, just a beautiful person with some difficulties, like the rest of us.

Consider Mark’s skillful advice to start a loving kindness mediation practice. Buddha taught that loving kindness (metta) was a key to finding inner peace. Often we think its some path of redemption, some self discovery we have to undergo in order to become peaceful, smooth minded. Nope, Nada, false. As we spend time wishing ourselves and others happiness and peace, we plant the rose seeds, stop planting thistle. Then, there is no battle to win, no “last year’s aquarianmoon” to conquer. Just a beautiful being, awake, alert, ready to spend her time invested in growing happiness for herself and others. Then, guilt moves toward self understanding. Shame moves toward feeling connected. Naturally, smoothly, easily. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Finally, remember that we spend a long time learning how to be dysfunctional, and it takes time to learn a better way to approach life. So be tender, gentle with yourself. Yes, there is guilt and self flogging. That won’t last forever, so try to be peaceful, steady, and abide. One Buddhist teacher said that inner peace is most dependent on peaceful abiding. Much like if we go into a smelly bathroom, it becomes clean and vibrant as we accept the smell and get to work. If we huff and haw, we don’t clean what needs cleaning. Or, we barf and add to the mess. Instead, we simply accept that we have a smelly room, and get to scrubbin’. In this instance, “yes, these emotions and thoughts are difficult, painful, but as I spend more time nurturing, caring for myself, the pain subsides, loosens, breaks apart and my body and mind heal from the past.”

With warmth,
Matt

Tina,

Sometimes when we feel full, its a good time to stop eating! Consider that praying to Guan Yin does something peaceful for your mom and others. If not for you, that’s fine. Buddhist monks that bow to the Buddha, and/or bow to Guan Yin, don’t do it to worship a god or goddess, but rather in respect of the seed of the Buddha inside themselves. Some Buddhists just want some merit or protection or a hero, and that’s fine too.

Questioning isn’t a problem, isn’t disrespectful. How else will you learn?

With warmth,
Matt

Robin,

I struggled with this too, and one of my teachers put it: “because we’re all one.” Consider that at our deepest levels, we know that life is magnificent. In a vast universe of noble gasses and many, many lifeless worlds, there is something special and beautiful happening here on earth. When we harm life we feel it in our core, a dissatisfaction arises, deep, primal, dissonance. When we encourage life, a spaciousness arises, light, buoyant, harmonious. Its great because its win-win. Respecting life produces better results for us, in that we are more content, joyous. As we grow content, then we respect life because it just makes sense. Like we would hug our crying daughter, or soothe our stubbed toe… naturally, warmly.

With warmth,
Matt

Tina,

Buddha taught that the three qualities of existence are impermanence, no-self, and suffering. Things change, have no fixed meaning, and ignorance/unacceptance of that produces dissatisfaction. Some distill these down further to “karma” or “forced views”. Said differently, when you question someone else about their truth, what you receive is their version of truth. When you speak your truth, you give your views of what is. Assuming of course a direct and open connection, free from intentional deception. However, these views are not truth, just views… and the truth is some things we see collapse the space inside us, and some open them.

Consider for a moment these sharings like a mirror. You say “what, who” and someone answers “that, him”. We are looking into a mirror to try to understand “truth” or “ourselves”. However, if someone had mischeviously (or ignorantly) drew a moustache on the mirror, when we look at the mirror, we might assume the moustache is on ourselves.

For instance, mom might say “matt, you are ugly”, and if I take in those sounds as true, it produces a false reflection in my self perception. This closes the space to see my mom clearly, because i am busy feeling icky over being ugly. If I see the mirror has the ugliness painted on it (from her childhood or whatnot) then it is never about me, its about the mirror, about my mom and her views. Truth with a capital T is sometimes related as what arises from a completely clear mirror, or one whose mind is completely unstained, no confusion of where the moustache comes from. The rest is fog and mirrors… kids playing wise, grasping at truth from observing cause and effect. Said differently, an awakened mind never produces a self image from the reflections, sees the moustache, and never considers it as something to do with them. Just a mirror with grit on it, pigment, projection, unhealed wounds or whatnot.

In your example of a conservative politician (assuming their view is unskillful) your bafflement arises from a lack of compassion, a lack of spaciousness for them. They don’t have their views for “no reason”, they have them for exactly the reason they have them. Their views aren’t causeless, they are caused, bound and sustained by something. Self importance, low empathy, rigid morality, whatnot. Something causes them to relate to their environment in such and such a way. Sometimes that cause is simple, immediate, such as seeing someone that acts racist because they clearly fear differences. Sometimes it is more tangled, more interwoven, such as someone that claims capitialism is a form of social darwinism and helps the strength of the species. Or whatnot.

When we feel the bafflement, we sidestep or ignore the laws of karma, of cause and effect, and our space for their view collapses. For instance, we may see a thief and judge them as a terrible person as the bafflement sets in as to how such a thing could happen. But, if we make space for them, see deeply into the potential pain and twists that produce such actions, we do not produce confusion, only more space for karma to just be what happens.

With warmth,
Matt

Tina,

What a splendid question! I can understand why it seems confusing, but it cuts at the heart of materialism. Consider a wise guru, well versed in philosophy and spirit. He opens a closet door and sees a snake on the floor. He jumps back in panic, fear and stress. Now, he may try to rationalize and consider how the snake got into the closet, try to figure out some divine message, some intervention by spirit or whatnot. However, when the lights come on, he sees it wasn’t a snake at all, it was just a rope.

So, all that stress and consideration was illusory, instigated by his wrong view of the rope. Buddha is saying (as shown to me by my teacher) that it isn’t in rationalizing “what is” that sets us free from stress, its letting go of wrong views. Seeing the rope sets us free much more directly than reasoning out why a snake is in the closet.

In practice, consider something such as “love”. That word means something to you, and perhaps something different to your ex, your mom, your dad, me, and so forth. As we let go of our solid “love means this and not that”, then we open up the space inside us to see what love means to other people. For instance, perhaps mom thinks love is a trap, because she loves a difficult man. Perhaps the ex thinks that love means sex, because rather than warmth, his attentions were fueled by sensual desire. Perhaps I see love as an expression of freedom. Or whatever. Consider that an attachment to what an idea means, such as “no, you are wrong, love is something different” pushes out, keeps away. “That is not true” we might say, but what makes our version “truth” and theirs “false”? Nothing, of course, they’re just views.

Then we can grow spaciousness inside, accepting the subjective nature of forms and concepts. Said differently, people see and relate to the world in many, many different ways. Finding peace, growing, blossoming isn’t about finding the one true meaning of “everything”, rather accepting that “everything” is a knitting together of subjective views.

With warmth,
Matt

Mark,

I’m sorry for your suffering, brother, and can understand the attachment to wanting to be heard. Sometimes when we’ve felt isolated, different, apart, we’re left with a skewed way of sharing compassion. Said differently, consider that in an absence of this tangle, this attachment, perhaps you could have more space inside, whereby the “other person” that is self absorbed doesn’t disrupt your equanimity, your peace. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider perhaps that as a boy, some difficult emotions came up, especially being empathic. Seeking and learning was fine, status quo, staying low key, out of sight. Mom and Dad helped with that “just fit in”. But, you have a vibrant and loving heart, and so you had to suppress so much of what you wished to say. Now, as though to make up for it, you really want to be heard, to be seen.

Not that mutual connections are bad, of course they’re great. However, we sometimes forget that people can’t see us when they’re distracted by their own stuff. Which means they’re caught in their own tangle, or they’d be open and peaceful (or their need is immediate, but you already respond lovingly to crisis). So, in such a way, suffering is spread. They’re suffering, no space for Mark. Then Mark closes his space to them with invalidation. No space, no peace.

Avoidance, such as not having friends that don’t make space is a fine way. Its clear you want something more, such as not to be disturbed when it does happen. This is actually waaaay simpler than you’ve been making it. Its not actually “in the moment” that we need to find some perceptual twist to make the invalidation stop arising. Rather, we go back to the boy, sitting alone in his desk, and simply sit with him, sing to him. Yes, young mark, you have lots of beautiful things to say. Yes, dear child, you’re biting your tongue over and over. We hear mom and dad calling out their fear to you. “Stay hidden, stay safe.” Its OK, young mark, just be patient. Your time to shine will come. You’ll get your chance to show them how fricken amazing you are, how much you see, think, feel and understand… and that empathy… whew! Not here, that’s true, that’s ok, not here in the desk. But later… so be patient for now. Just let go and wait for your chance. And so on. Your heart is bright, I’m sure you’ll tend that boy well.

Then, the space is just open, so instead of seeing someone caught in their story and not seeing ours, we simply see an interesting story, and talk about whatever comes to heart. Then, as we walk away, we feel refreshed, stable, light. Even if all we talked about was their struggle with their whatnots and widgets. Who cares? Easy in, easy out. Consider, when we are compassionate, spacious for others, we experience the connection, the intimacy in realtime, rather than feeling it was real because stories were exchanged. And, because we shared our space with them, perhaps their entanglement will lessen. Win-win!

With warmth,
Matt