Forum Replies Created
March 1, 2023 at 5:17 pm #415959
Thank you.February 28, 2023 at 12:25 am #415896
No, I haven’t considered therapy but I do have access to it. I kept these things discrete from most of my friends and family. Right now, I feel like I have been doing good compared to the last few months. I would like to wait and see how things turn out. I know that I have been immature sometimes but I’m learning to be mindful, mature and decisive. I’m also spending my time on career as I never did before.February 26, 2023 at 5:20 pm #415877
Yes, That’s right. I don’t know why I was always under the assumption that a romantic interest would understand me and fix me but I don’t think its a feasible solution to achieve happiness. I’m also not content with my career and life. I have been very ignorant and carefree about them. I also have social anxiety when I’m at a public gathering and have some self esteem issues. I’m working now and fixing them one step at a time. Sometimes it scares me to a point where I think I should just quit everything and become an ascetic monk for the rest of my life. Recently I have been studying books about Buddhism and I think Siddhartha experienced these feelings too. I feel a bit better now to be honest but the last couple of months have been terrible, I caged myself in an endless pain and suffering with alcohol, cannabis and cigarettes (Currently, I’m sober for a month and I feel a bit better) . I’m doing a bit better now with good sleep, food, meditation and mindfulness.February 26, 2023 at 12:52 am #415731
Thanks for the reply. The toxic behaviour was I blamed them for my unhappiness. I did not abuse either of the women physically or verbally but I texted them mean words, avoided them and stopped talking to them. Although it was hurting me terribly I did that in anger and agony, hoping it would end the suffering or feelings for them. It hurts to the point where I can feel pain physically in my chest.
In my first experience I found that she was happy and okay talking and hanging out with other guys but not me. Whenever I asked for any chance to see her or meet her she would deny it stating some reasons like “I can’t be seen with you, it would make a wrong impression that we are a couple and I don’t want it”. However, she was happy spending time and being seen with other guys. Although it’s not her fault as I understand everyone has their own free will and preferences. This made me feel like an outcast.
With my recent experience, the same pattern repeated itself. She was happy spending time with her male friend rather than being with me. She always used to be immersed in something else rather than talking to me or made up reasons only with me. I know it’s wrong to blame her but all I wanted was for her to be happy with me and spend time with me.
Both the times, I felt like I was the one making more efforts to save friendship and placing myself in a position where it felt like I was making the maximum efforts in the friendship.
I’m an introvert and I don’t have much friends too. So I just latch onto a person hoping I would find happiness. My childhood was not good to be honest, it was okay. My parents would always have constant fights and arguments in the house which gave me a bit of trauma and no emotional support but I’m happy that they worked hard to give me everything and made sure that I completed my education promptly. I think this trauma carried on with me even now in my adulthood. I’m trying to make better relationship with my parents now but I think its in vain and a bit late. I have no resentment towards my parents though, looking back I understand the struggles they had to go through to raise and educate my brother and me.