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Donnie, I feel compelled to reply to your post. I don’t know if this will help but I too was ‘dumped’ very suddenly and brutally yes, sounds dramatic, but that’s how it felt) 8 months ago too. And this morning I was still beating myself up over the fact that I am still suffering because of it as badly as the night it happened. The only thing I can say that I have learned though, is this. All I wanted was to be over it.. over him..and the fact that 8 months on I am not, is because I have never allowed myself to honor the love I had for him because I have been so very angry and bitter.. that I know he is off having fun, forming new relationships while I am still mourning his loss and believing that it is because I am unworthy, not good enough, and unlovable that I am single and broken hearted. So only recently did I actually allow myself to admit I still loved him, that I wanted him back… and I then came to the realization that I was pouring every single ounce of my sense of self worth into him wanting me. Yes it boils down to this. My head knows this is not true.. my heart has still a bit to go to receive this message and take it in… but I felt compelled to respond to your post because you are in the same place as me and for my part I found it reassuring that I am not alone.. I really wish you well on this journey. Despite my pain, I do know on some level that it wasn’t a reflection of my worth as a human being.. that he was coming from a place that cannot love and that too is a painful place..
Much peace, and strength,
Oskari.. I just read your other post about the break up. I am so sorry to read that. There is so much pain in you right now.. I cannot say anymore than what all the others said to you.. You need much love right now and that love must come from your Self.. You sound strong and determined not to let this get the better of you.. Stay strong and keep reaching out. You WILL get through this.
Hi Oskari.. I read your post with interest as I (and it would seem many many people here and in the world) have self esteem issues. I don’t think age/sex/race or creed is immune to it.. and John’s reply was very thought provoking. Struggling with low self esteem is probably like trying to hit your own shadow..it is impossible to fight and we just end up exhausted!! It may come down to how we perceive self esteem. Is it “I am great! ” but underneath the awareness of our dark side still terrifies us and we lock it away in case anyone sees it and doesn’t like us for it? I don’t think so.. well not now anyway.. Self compassion, I believe, is the way. i often wonder what it is in the people I admire the most in my life.. and it is this.. having the integrity and honesty and courage to acknowledye their faults while not beating themselves up about them..those who are open and unafraid to be ‘vulnerable’..ie being fully human and yet not minding what others’ opinions are of them.
I may be wrong but inside it feels right. And it this I am working on in myself right now as opposed to trying to convince myself I am some super human happy clappy person! So maybe it could be something as simple as allowing all the ‘bad’ bits of you to come into your awareness and instead of judging them, or trying to even change them.. just sit silently with them and listen to what they have to say..with love. Try it. You might be surprised! Good luck!
(PS I am 46..! so there’s hope for us all!)July 8, 2013 at 12:17 am in reply to: Protected: How to get rid of the urge to contact an ex? #38154
Leina..you are NOT stupid for thinking that at all!! It is normal… no it’s not helpful but as I can see from this forum…it is in us all! And even knowing that is enough to simply accept that part of myself (and yourself) and try to just understand it, not punish it… all our insecurities and ‘bad’ thoughts are like little children…they will scream and act up until they are heard…and I for one did not listen to that frightened little girl inside me for a long time. It was when I let her have her say and listened without judging, did she slowly but surely quieten down… It is a process.. and although we think it is ‘their’ fault… (the guys ie) it is actually our interpretation and what we do with the situation that has the power to heal us. I am so happy to have come across your post yesterday.. there are no mistakes or coincidences… it was meant to be.. I look forward to hearing how you get on!
AnneJuly 7, 2013 at 2:55 pm in reply to: Protected: How to get rid of the urge to contact an ex? #38128
Oh Leina… you poor thing… do not be so hard on yourself… and believe me … when I say this to you I am saying it to myself. I just can’t believe that someone else is feeling EXACTLY the same as I do and saying exactly the same thing as I am saying to myself day after day…………it is so so difficult.. but it all comes down to the thoughts we are believing about ourselves and the situation.. I would really like to tell you about something I discovered a while ago which really really helps. It is called ‘The Work’ and it was discovered by a woman called Byron Katie. She has written a few books and I have 2. One is called ‘I need your love… is that true?’ and the other ‘loving what is’.
How it works is this. When we are down, stressed, broken hearted.. etc.. she suggests we identify the thoughts we are believing about the situation and then ask 4 questions.. 1. eg. I need him to love me to make me happy and feel like a worthwhile human being… (sound familiar?) OK so the first question is… Is this true? and you answer honestly … question 2… Do I absolutely know this is true?….. question 3. How do I feel when I believe this thought?…list every emotion, feeling etc. question 4.. Who/how would I be if it was impossible for me to believe this thought… interesting one this.. because you have to use your imagination to really feel how you would feel if it was in fact impossible for you to believe this…
If you like the sound of this please visit her website… thework.com. and it may explain it better. you can also print off worksheets for free.. give it a shot.. it WILL help. and let me know what you think!!
And don’t worry.. I know 6 months sounds like a long time but today was what I call a blip day. I have had many more good days than bad since we broke up…and each time I know I am stronger and closer to letting go completely. There IS hope Leina… (and by the way.. you sound quite young.. I am a 46 year old single mother which makes it alot more difficult!! so if I can do it… so can you 🙂July 7, 2013 at 9:43 am in reply to: Protected: How to get rid of the urge to contact an ex? #38111
Hi Leina… when I read your post I honestly thought I had written each and every word without realizing it… how I empathize with you. It has to be worse than grieving a death…because there is no body to bury and the object of your grief is still out there and as you said…looking like they’re doing great without you. I too am in the same position and only hours ago had a tsunami of emotion leaving me sobbing uncontrollably in my car and along with that this almost irrisistable urge to contact him to ask him why… to get my power back…as I feel that I handled it (the breakup) so badly (for myself) that I just desperately want to feel at least a little bit, that I had some say in it and that he doesn’t look back and think I am a fruit cake is relieved to be rid of me… God the pain of it can be unbearable at times…….. so instead of sending an emotionally charged e mail (as I have done before 🙁 ) I wrote it all down on paper..uncensored… everything.. the good the bad and the ugly (and I’m afraid to say most of it was the ugly) when I say uncensored, I mean that when I tried to contact him before I would unconsciously try to say what I imagined he would like to hear, and in doing that, I never did get to tell him how I really felt… but I wrote this one and didn’t send it. I just lit a candle beside it and went to bed and slept for 2 hours, exhausted.. I have literally just woken up and feel strangely ok.. and also relieved I didn’t contact him…as I know I would have been furious with myself for butting in on his life when I know he probably doesn’t even think of me any more (it’s 6 months since we broke up…) but don’t be disheartened Leina.. this is quite a journey and you WILL discover so many things about yourself and what is more important, you will learn how to love yourself….and it does get easier..if you are determined to learn from it. But don’t be hard on yourself. Let every single thing that comes up for you,no matter how awful it seems to you, come into your awareness….don’t judge it.. just watch it.. .feel where it is in your body..and it will pass. You sound strong… you will do this.. and 2 years is a long time to spend loving someone. Courage! and much Love… Anni
PS What Peter wrote is absolutely true too…. we must accept the fullness of each emotion as it comes to us and not be afraid of it. And the Work I speak of does not for a minute suggest you deny any of your feelings.. they must be listened to, acknowledged, felt and let go…and as you are still in the early stages, you will pass through many..
Hi Dave… I could not believe my eyes when I read your post. This exact same thing happened to me 4 months ago (except I am a woman and his name( ironically enough) is Dave!! After 7 months of intense communication every day and much investment emotionally on both sides.. he ended it really abruptly and with such coldness I was rendered speechless. And like yourself.. I emailed him sporadically to say what I should have said the night he did it.. but to no avail.. he closed down… and wanted absolutely no more communication with me. Like you I felt (and still do but not as intensely) utterly shattered. It felt like I had been in a car crash and left for dead.
Anyway. Forgiveness and letting it all go became my quest and I so absolutely understand where you are right now.
What has helped me enormously Dave has been the Work of Byron Katie. I am not sure if you have heard of it but I urge you, if you haven’t, to look it up. She has a website and has written an amazing book called Loving What Is. Her method is based on 4 questions which she urges you to answer but in writing it down. It truly works Dave. Please try it. It has helped me to actually even love him without anger and bitterness which was eating me up for so long. Of course I have bad days and I still wonder ‘why’ from time to time but I also know now that it won’t change a thing. All I can change is how I look at this and that is what makes the difference. I really hope you try it out and maybe even let me know how it goes for you.
AnniMay 11, 2013 at 9:48 am in reply to: Low self-esteem & constant need to be wanted…help! #35421
Hi Stephanie… I am new to this forum and yours was the first post I read… and I could have written it word for word myself… and I am 46!! It (the constant need/want for a partner/boyfriend in my life)… I then read Beth Venus’ reply and found her advice so reassuring especially when she said that it is in fact OK to think about love and finding a soulmate… you know the only one thing worse than the wanting is the beating myself up about wanting!! And I think this is the best advice I have ever read on the subject!! So I for one will start with that one… I think it is a very important step in self compassion and nurturing self esteem! So even though I don’t have any advice for you Stephanie, I would first like to thank you for posting this as it really helped to know I am not going mad and that I am not alone… and neither are you! So I wish you the best on your quest and feel very confident that you will succeed! 🙂