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Anita, his mother is in her 60s, she has two sons (two different men), and had been married for 35 years to a different (american) man who was not either of her son’s father. He never met his real father, and gets very upset with his mother that she doesn’t know much about him or his family. His mother was married to an American man for 35 years, divorced 5 years ago due to an alleged affair with another woman. His mother is a very strict practicing orthodox jew, she converted during marriage which I think led to the divorce because it is a VERY strict religion. From what I gather their relationship was neither loving nor supportive and from the outside it seemed that his mother was in the marriage/relationship to help support her children and create a better life for them, although she told me she still does love and respects him.
She is a kind person in that, she belives in forgiveness, not judging, and being very supportive no matter what, she is always easy to be around and she is open to anything. I agree, those are just assumptions because I do not really know her. I do know that she was not around much of his childhood due to her working, so his aunts and family raised him alot. She depends on him a lot financially, so that is taxing on him, and when she does visit it is up to him to translate for her, get her finances in order, and help her with a lot of things that he feels she should know or learn. He does not agree with the decisions she made with the money provided to her for the divorce, or where she lives, and wishes she would move back to the states so he could better care for her. They do not get along well because his personality she describes as “hard headed” or tries to talk down to her (or taking on projects or rennovating things in her house that she doesn’t ask for or as opinions, or making her feel like her life and the decisions she has made are second class to what he thinks is best for her).
Her advice to me whenever we would fight or I would reach out to (even if he apparently did something wrong, like not come home until very late one night before traveling or said something rude) was to tell me to just love him and cook for him, that just to give him hugs and feed him, and tell him how much I appreciated him…and be there to support each other because we are both fighting over things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. She finally has a job where she lives, but it doesn’t pay much, and she still does depend on him. She said that she has cried a lot with his real father, with his step father, and now she sees the step father in him and she can’t handle it anymore, and doesn’t like to be yelled at like he did. She always tells me, he is a good guy with a good heart but he makes poor decisions. When I told her that the issues involved other woman (because he was making it seem as if I just out of the blue told him that I didn’t “want him back,” I didn’t give her specifics but enough to know that it isn’t all what he is saying), she said to let him be and figure out his life then as it seems because he has a problem with commentment and with other women, and that he seems to “destroy” anything good in his life. She also said that keep being his friend, to help him see his bad behavior, to work together and not give him, and that she feels sorry for men today because of the temptations that are out there.
She seems very “immature” for her age, and seems nieve and very innocent in a sense. She is very forgiving, always sees the beauty in things, is very easy going, very intelligent and driven, but may be not have been there a lot during his early years. Maybe a lot of focus was placed on work and not on the children… they are all very loving and affectionate. It appears as if her and the step father’s relationship was not loving in any sense, and from what she tells me he often nit picked and complained like what I have mentioned, and there was infidelity involved or inappropriate things that came up (sexually) during the relationship. He has no relationship with his step father and he is disgusted in his decision to leave his mother of 35 years.
Her number one prioroity is her religion, as I mentioned it is very strict (fri-sat she is not allowed to do anything and prayers each not take baout 1+ hours). Her life is built around her religion.
I have spoken to him and his frustrations is that she just cant do anything on her own and always relies on him, which I can respect. Maybe it was some decisions she made about finances or her irresponsibility, or maybe that she wasn’t there more when he was younger, and the fact that she had him out of a relationship without knowing much about his father. I asked him a little about the boots and he is adament he didn’t tell her to give them away that he needed them, so I dropped it, because I’m not here to take sides, but I wanted to hear what he had to say about it.
If I were to deeper analyze I would say that he feels a parental role towards his mother. They are of hispanic culture, so it is much diffferent than american culture, but my parents would never rely or expect me to take care of them… but there is an expectation to be responsible for her when he doesn’t agree with decisions she is making. I’m not sure if that helps at all..
NINJA, your words and thoughts are very helpful and again thank you for taking the time to try to understand and help me… it really means a lot that a stranger would take a moment and try to feel what the other person is feeling in order to help overcome some adversity. It’s beautiful to me to have strangers coming to my suppoert.
I am re reading my posts, as you suggested, and pretending they were coming from a friend. And I can see what you are trying to get me to see through tough love. He is living a selfish life, and it is evidenced to where he is right now in his life, and how he has impacted others around him, and does’t seem to realize. Until it is too late of course. Once I explain my side… or tell him, if you could talk to our daughter and tell her what her father has been doing honestly for the past few months, would you be proud of the man you are, would you want your daughter to find someone just like you? His answer is no… and it’s not until I get him to self relfect that he will agree and try to make changes to his life. If you read above he agreed with my words and has since tried to make a better effort, never canceling anymore (for the past month) and making Aria his priority. He claims to have removed any “distractions” in his life (i.e. the woman he was dating), so that he could focus on his life, his daughter- and what I am seeing now as an attempt to get me/his family back. He said he ended it with the woman he was dating, and that she knew the whole time he still wanted to work things with me, and stated she left in a rage after he ended it. That is irrelevant, but I was lead to believe it was a casual encounter not a relationship that needed closing.
Never do I believe he has put my interest before his, only now- he has put his daughters best interest before his own. And by that I mean, he has just retired and is at a cross road in his life where he could literally go anywhere and do anything he wanted. But, due to the fact that he wants to be present for his daughter he has chosen to remain here locally… I know that if she wasn’t in the picture, or I wasn’t, he would be moving to a different country or elsewhere because he is a very adventure seeking, new experience, gypsy type at heart. Which is where his resent came from because he realized now that he coulnd’t do everything he thought he would be doing after retirement.
I guess I have never been in a relationship where my needs were placed first, and when I was I was too young and immature to appreciate it or realize that is what I needed. I am used to emotionally unavailable men that I feel as if I am trying to get to see my value, or men that dangle their “love” on a string and give me everything I could desire to feel loved but then pull it away if I do something that isn’t acceptable.
I am trying to take action so I hope that it will help me, coming to sites like this has really allowed me a place to open up. As I mentioned my friends and family do not want to hear about it. I do attend therapy, I am reading a lot of empowering books, and I am trying to become more active, which is something I very much enjoyed pre-baby life. I think I have two things going on… I still miss my old life a bit, this is not to stay I dont absolutely adore my daughter with every ounce of my being, and I woulnd’t change anything. But, with the responsiblity of being a seemingly single mom, I don’t have much time (or energy) to put on myself, she is awlays my number one prioroity and concern, so the things that would help me through this prior, I don’t have the freedom to do now so I feel even more “alone” in a sense. I would typically surround myself with friends, get out meet people, stay busy, but now my time is limited and I am alone for 80% of my day after my daghter goes to sleep, and by time she does I am just so drained. So to make matters worse, that aching to have help and his constant reminder of he could be here for that help and support if I would allow it- creates a complete and utter chaos in my head. He is still at my door when he sees her telling me everything I want he wants, that we are perfect for one another that I will not find someone who can treat me the way he can, that our emotinoal connection is too strong to not fight for, that our family is so important, and that he wants to be there to support me and help me and be present every day in her life. Hearing all the right things, and everything you want is hard to keep fighting for what you believe is right.
I have had to give up so much for my daughter, willingly and eagerly- so I can honestly say that having her has made me a better person because you can’t be selfish anymnore. My life I live is for her, and if she weren’t in the picture I probably would have taken him back and hurt myself over again, but now it’s about her and creating a future to support her growth. I have sacraficed my career, my life, and many other things in becoming a mother, it is rewarding but challanging.
I know he doesn’t deserve me or my daughter, especially and at least at this time in his life, maybe my fear lies in the fear of possibly being alone. I’m scared I am just a single mom who is too old and damaged to find someone who will want to stick by us, or to find someone who helps fold laundry or buys her clothes willingly or knows how to treat her and I. I know this is all fresh and new and I will continue to move and fight forward. Places like these forums really help me. THANK YOU AGAIN!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 