Daughter's father leaving the country to be with his other Child

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by Ninja.

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November 7, 2016 at 7:19 am #119834

Annie
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Mixed emotions at the moment. I just posted regarding relationship with an ex whom I have a daughter with (15 months), and whom I am trying to let go of because I realize our priorities and what I need are just not present. I’ve had a difficult time accepting it or letting him go because he is the father, and we did have some wonderful times, and he is very present in her life (and in turn mine as well).

Anyway, he has told me that he has decided to move to a different country in order to be present for his other daughter’s life, he will be living with his ex and their 10 year old daughter in another country. He says that she has grown up without a father for 10 years and that he needs to be there to show her she has a father in her life.

I’m not sure how to process this or how to feel. I feel relief in a sense because the distance will help me continue moving forward, but then I feel sad for my daughter that her father will not be a part of her life at least now, maybe he will come back, maybe he wont- that I cannot be sure of. But, I’m not sure how that effects children having a father come in and our of their life. I don’t even know how to handle this. He asked to speak with me about it, becuase he keeps going back and forth and saying he cant leave our daughter, but that this is a decision he feels strongly about. I told him, all I can do is support him and his decision, but I can’t guide him one way or another that he has to make this chocie on his own. How will this impact our daughter?

November 7, 2016 at 8:09 am #119844

Shipp
Participant

Dear anny,

I think that you have expressed some important points in your post
“I am trying to let go…what I need are not present”
“he needs to show her she has a father in her life”
“I feel relief in a sense because the distance will help me continue moving forward”
“I told him, all I can do is support him and his decision”

If I am understanding your post correctly, he was your ex before he decided to go to his first daughter. If this is the case, there are reasons why you two are not still together. It sounds to me like you are ready to move forward with your life on your own and as a mom. Good for you! While making yourself a better person, you are making a better mom for your daughter.

You posted that your daughter is 15 months. My granddaughter is the same age. My daughter and son-in-law recently moved to the other side of my country for a fresh start and to care for his last remaining grandparent. Like you stated, I support them and their decision but I miss them like crazy. Because children at that age seem to have a short attention span, I want to make sure that I stay present in my granddaughters life. I do this by using Skype to video chat with me them often. We get to see each other and she gets to hear my voice as I talk with my daughter. This maybe a way for your ex to stay present while your daughter is young.

From your post, it does sound like he cares for both of his children. I do think that he will be back in your daughter’s life (in person) again.

While you are growing into the person you are meant to be, I know that your daughter will feel well loved and supported by you. Most times, having one parent show you lots and lots of love is enough for a child to be healthy and happy. Especially while she’s in her young years, she will see a healthy, happy mommy who loves her so very much and that’s who she will learn to be like. You couldn’t give your daughter a greater gift than that!

So, in my opinion, you have the right attitude of supporting whatever decision he makes. And I wholeheartedly believe that you and your daughter will both grow into beautiful people. Love does that.

I hope you find some comfort from posting here.

~Shipp

November 7, 2016 at 9:57 am #119855

Inky
Participant

Hi anny2016,

“I’m going to leave this daughter because that daughter needs a father in her life”… As if the second daughter didn’t matter!!

This reminds me of the time my friend’s ex husband told her he was leaving her for the mistress “because of his conscience and to do the right thing” ~ for the other woman as if the wife didn’t matter!

Maybe, just maybe, your ex will re-enter your daughter’s life when SHE is ten and “needs a father”.

You have several options:

1. Live on without him
2. Make sure your child visits him even if you have to fly to the other country. You can do this every year or maybe twice during her childhood.
3. Move to the other country with your daughter when she is ten and say, “Well, here we are!”
4. Have him raise her when she is a teenager (I had a friend do this to the dead beat dad. The kids were fine.)

Good Luck!

Inky

November 7, 2016 at 11:06 am #119859

Annie
Participant

Yes, he has been “trying” to get his family back for the last 4 months since he initially left but his actions and words have not reflected the type of stability/desire I need and want in my daughter (and my) life, he made some very poor decisions the last 4 months that do not reflect a man of honesty or integrity. So, his deciding to move to another country is at a point in my life where I have refused to engage about the possibility because of hurt and damage that has been caused. If I truely saw a man trying to change and win us back the right ways, I would have encouraged more time and hope for us to reunite. So now it is time for me to move forward. It is sad to let go and be supportive, and let him go be a father to another daughter when I think our daughter is just as important and special but people have to make their own decisions. I am just trying to shake that feeling of why he has chosen to leave our daughter when she is just as important and special. I will continue to live on without him and be open to whatever relationship/communication he is willing to provide to her.

November 7, 2016 at 11:47 am #119861

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anny2016:

Your daughter is just as special and important as his other two. There is no good solution here, other than all the three mothers living in the same little town and all three attended to by their common father. There is no one child deserving him more, assuming he is a positive influence on them!

Do not let him see your daughter (unless legally obligated) at his convenience, when he chooses to. You decide! If he will be gone for a while and your daughter, being older, is well adjusted, don’t let him see her at 10 or 13… it may be detrimental to her. Evaluate and re-evaluate the situation and him.

It is better for a child to have no father or an absent father, than a father who is present but is detrimental to the child’s well being.

anita

November 7, 2016 at 11:53 am #119863

Ninja
Participant

Anny –

I’m sorry, but as a man I’m going to talk pretty frankly here – in my best intentions to help.

This guy is has proven himself to be one thing: a sperm donor. From what you’ve shared in your other thread, you are (at least) the third woman he has gotten pregnant. It sounds like you two we not planning on the pregnancy and, again from your previous thread, he did little to change his lifestyle – even seeing other women.

I am a father of two girls. And being a father means much, much more. It means being there when they are sick and crying. Enduring sleepless nights with teething. Taking them to doctor’s appointments. Changing hundreds of diapers. Watching them take their first steps, first solid foods, first day at school … first everything. You get the idea. But add to this: and father must love their mother without condition.

Sadly, the sooner this guy is gone the better. You may be blessed that he is leaving early in your little girl’s life. Another, much better man can become a father – if he proves worthy. It is not about the DNA, but the willingness to make the 24/7 investment. And, now that my girls are in their late teen, please believe me it is so worth it! This guy knows no better and is a fool. Let him go.

Wishing you peace, joy and support.

Ninja
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