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Christy

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #111095
    Christy
    Participant

    Maria,

    You are such a lovely person. I am very thankful for the love and support I have received on the site so far, but you have been such a lovely gift to me. I have received tons of good and practical advice and feelings of comradery, but being able to connect to your posts has helped me more than you could know. You’ve vocalized so many of the things that I have been thinking but unable to put my finger on. “I will trust life again.”

    I will check out all of the links that you sent me, but I am especially interested in the one that deals with neuroplasty, and of course the Habits of a Happy Brain. I do believe that we as humans can learn and unlearn anything, but without a mentor, a role model, a parental figure, without anyone to look up to in this regard it feels so much like stabbing in the dark. It’s been a long and lonely process for me. It would feel so much more manageable if I had someone other than my partner to support me. He’s great and supportive in so many ways, but he doesn’t understand anxiety fully, he’s no therapist by any means, and truthfully I don’t want my romantic partner to be involved in therapy sessions. They’re ugly, open and raw, and well, I must have landed a great one given that he’s still around, but it’s not healthy for him to be my partner, my lover, my family, my best friend, and my therapist.

    I’ve tried 5-HTP, actually I used to take it everyday but just haven’t picked any up since I’ve been traveling…I took it for about a year? Maybe two…I haven’t taken any in about 4 or 5 months. What makes you say exercise caution with it? I usually take St. John’s Wort and have been out of that for several weeks, now. I could never really tell if it made a difference…but I’ve been feeling extra bummy going through this so perhaps I should pick up another bottle…

    You are so on my brainwaves about the magnesium. I never knew that it could have such calming properties but I used to add raw 100% cacao to my protein smoothies when I was back home in the states. I never connected the two thoughts, but I always felt so mellow after drinking them. Just the day before you recommended upping my magnesium levels I bought a bag for this same purpose, and hell yeah it really does work! Plus who needs an excuse to eat chocolate? 😛

    Your supplement recommendations are all spot on, really. I tested the waters of veganism for several months and I went down a dark and swollen, b-vitamin deficient path before I discovered chia seeds…vitamin deficiencies are a great way to add insult to injury.

    “It can be battled. There will be bad days always, but they will become fewer and fewer. You will trust life again!”

    ^^ 🙂 🙂

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110940
    Christy
    Participant

    Anita,

    I appreciate your insight and I’d like to hear more about it as I’m not inclined to agree with you. I would say recognizing that my anxiety came from my parents is helpful, but I spent time feeling the victim and blaming them and I don’t think it was a healthy time. Necessary, maybe, healthy, no. They did the best that they could, and still continue to. I was very resentful towards them for a long time but I have forgiven them. Blaming is not something that I feel is helpful at this point.

    You are totally correct, though, I do blame myself for the anxiety I carry (and the blame wasn’t an either/or. When I blamed them I still blamed myself as well). I know that I shouldn’t hold blame, but I haven’t accepted the condition yet. I still think that it is absolutely ridiculous for the things that I get worked up about because I know better. I know that xyz is nothing to worry about, and still my body exhibits the physical symptoms of anxiety. It’s frustrating because some days it feels like I am the anxiety, that it’s this toxic and negative being that’s wound itself into every crevice of my being and some days it doesn’t feel like me at all. It feels like this other thing that I can consciously view as separate.

    I place the blame on myself because “I have repeatedly failed to ‘conquer’ this.” Flawed thinking, yes, but it’s how I see it. Forgiving myself first for the tension within me, then for the failure to ‘overcome’ it, then to truly love myself — flaws and all — is the path I feel like I need to be taking. I don’t see how getting angry and resentful towards my parents after I have forgiven them is helpful. Don’t you agree?

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110939
    Christy
    Participant

    Livelovelifeeleni,

    Thank you for your kind words of support! They mean so much 🙂 🙂

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110938
    Christy
    Participant

    Aislynn,

    I can totally relate to what you’re saying about anxiety doesn’t even creep up, it just knocks you straight down. It seems like if my mind can’t find anything to be harsh about in the present, then that’s when it drags things from the past or future. I’ve looked into self-forgiveness and it seems like the berating myself for past trivial events is due to guilt and shame. When I’m in my negative moments my mind is always criticizing myself.

    So maybe what we’re describing isn’t anxiety at this point? Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times where I have anxiety and there are times even where I have panic attacks (albeit, thankfully they’re rare now) but I’m wondering if I’m self-categorizing any negative thought or tension I feel as anxiety when it is perhaps something different. I’m not sure.

    I read about your childhood and that must have been hard. Worrying seems like it would have been a way of life at that point, a way to keep you and everyone else safe. I’ve had this perspective describes to me several times and maybe you can find some peace with it. Think of your anxiety from back then as a good thing. It kept the family safe. Now, things might be different, and as Maria pointed out, your anxiety is no longer needed. They say to stare at the face of your anxiety, smile at it, say thank you to it, but tell it its not needed right now. To acknowledge that it kept you safe in the past but that you no longer need it right now is supposed to be a tremendously helpful technique. I understand this concept but have not yet been able to accept my anxiety enough to thank it. I’m working on it… 🙂

    Best of luck 🙂

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110833
    Christy
    Participant

    Hey Anita,
    Wow, 6 years, absolutely it sounds like that would take a while to sort through!

    You asked about when I attended therapy, and I’ll say that it was really useful for digging things up and making me realize that there was a connection between my past and my current distress. This was the whole “blame mommy and daddy” phase that everyone goes through and yes, I did have quite a bit of anger there for a while.

    Truthfully, it was here that I learned the techniques of mindfulness. When I first attended I didn’t know what it meant to “be in the moment” and it actually took weeks, if not months, of practicing this before I could grab a hold of the concept, if even for just a moment. My therapist taught me breathing exercises and really pushed the concept of yoga on me…one that I was strangely resistant to at first. Of course, yoga helped me connect to myself, my breath, my inner self more than I could have ever expected and through a several week series of heart-opener sequences I quite literally got so much off of my chest. I confronted past transgressions with my parents and afterward we had a strained relationship for months. During my childhood my grandparents and my father had the opportunity to confront my mother about her alcoholism and how it affected everyone. I was too young at the time and as I grew older I learned that her condition could have been so much worse and that I should be grateful that I didn’t grow up with a raging alcoholic. This enlightenment led to avoidance of ever confronting her on how it affected me. After the first few therapy sessions I realized that the childhood I had damaged me (but really, whose didn’t?) and I began dealing with it. I wrote a very long and probably hurtful letter to my mother about how selfish alcoholism is and for a very long time I truly in my heart believed that I must not be loved by my mother because she would continuously “choose” to drink when she knew how much it hurt me. Since then, I’ve learned a great deal about alcoholism, I’ve come to understand it has nothing to do with me and that she was doing the best she knew had with the tools that she had. In response, my mother has made a pact to no longer drink when I’m visiting. Remarkably, this promise has been 100% upheld. As I’ve been learning more about myself, diving deeper into anxiety and what it looks like I’m shocked to see just how terribly, terribly anxious my mom and her mom both are. For years we had a running family joke that my grandmother “was so silly” because “she always worries about worrying too much!” It was a slap in the face when I realized that that’s pretty much the textbook definition of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. By my mother not drinking to cover up her anxiety I realize that she’s an anxious wreck, that she always has been, and she drinks to avoid the pain. (Yes, trust me I know this makes it much worse in the long run. Treat anxiety with alcohol, feel better temporarily, wake up, feel even more anxious, drink earlier, rinse, repeat). My father tries his best and just loves us all so damn much, but he doesn’t have anxiety and doesn’t understand how to cope with it. He coddles her through it and I’m convinced that this “trying to help” has made it all much worse throughout the years. Again, he is just doing the best they know how, but the kicker is that they are resistant to change. My father may not have generalized anxiety, but I definitely recognize a fear of failure that he has and yes, you betcha, I picked up this habit like it was going out of style. My parents are both terrified that they’ll mess something up if they think for themselves, and therefore always await the “instruction manual” before doing anything. Even when they receive detailed instructions for some menial task, they blow it out of proportion until it’s a big, huge deal that they’re super anxious about “ruining.” I think if I pointed this out to my dad, he’d be in disbelief. This is also where I was taught “it’s better to be safe than sorry.” The whole situation is almost comical because my dad has said for years how hard he tried to not be overprotective of his only child, a daughter (and in a lot of ways he succeeded) but I definitely learned the notion that doom and gloom was around every corner. You must have constant vigilance or else die in a horrific car accident with a boy or you better take all the necessities at all times when you leave the house in case you’re stranded. …I’m from a large metropolitan city in the SE USA… This behavior all seems very strange coming from someone that has such a tremendously optimistic outlook on life. It’s hard to wrap my head around sometimes. Again, I think he was just trying his best to show me the dangers of the world without being overbearing? I’m not sure, but I do know it’s taking a long time to prove to myself that the world doesn’t have to be so dangerous. Death is not around every corner and that I can relax and breath without a strict itemized itinerary about, I don’t know, what’s going to happen from the time he walks downstairs to pass my mother the phone during a conversation.

    At the end of the day it’s a nice notion to say, “ok I get it. This is where my anxiety came from,” but I think it’s so important that we move past blaming the parents and take responsibility for our mental habits ourselves. This took me a long time to be able to accept.

    in reply to: Digestion issue and coming to a resolution soon… #110754
    Christy
    Participant

    Guys, this may be entirely too much information…but I can’t not share it.

    Powerofpoop.com

    Just go there, read the success stories and decide whether or not it’s something for you. I know people who suffered for years and now their lives have been forever changed for the better. They can’t even remember what their pain and suffering used to feel like!

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110751
    Christy
    Participant

    30daysofkindness,

    Thank you for the video! I love different suggestions for resources. There’s so much out there that it can be almost perversely difficult to find what you need!

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110749
    Christy
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you for your kind words and offering of support. It means a lot to me. Having a community isn’t something that I’ve had in my life for quite some time and coming here and finding one so open and honest and helpful has truly been a blessing. Keep your hope for humanity! 🙂

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110748
    Christy
    Participant

    Maria!

    If I told your life story then you picked up exactly where I left off!

    Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve learned. YES, I always had a reason to worry and struggle. YES, I’ve trained my brain to do this. You are so spot on here for me; in an effort to keep me safe as a child some of my family members absolutely had a “better safe than sorry” mentality. This was ingrained deep within me. The world is a dangerous place — worry and fear — these are good things, these will keep you safe. This mentality was supposed to be a good thing, and yes I get it there’s a time and place to be prepared, but I was taught to needlessly worry. I was taught to worry from my family and I later taught myself to worry. So much so that I’m realizing that I believed for a very long time that worrying prevented danger. How silly to see that spelled out. Of course worry is wasted energy, anyone can tell you that, but what about when worry masquerades as preparedness? Ahh, then you think this worrying is a justified use of energy and before long your brain has been 100% trained in the art of pointless worry and anxiety. And yes, this is the part where I blame “mommy and daddy.” I’ve been there, held anger for them, but thankfully as I’ve begun to forgive myself I’ve begun to forgive them as well. I can see that it’s not their fault, they were just doing what they thought was best and you can’t fault anyone for that.

    I am so happy to see you point out that my trained brain is now just running on autopilot, because it is, it so is. I really feel like I am stabbing in the dark trying to handle all of this on my own and from what I can self-identify and then search on the internet. It’s been a slow process without a community to speak with and I’m grateful for this forum here. What a great group of supportive people. 🙂

    From what I’ve found on the internet before this has been the letting go of anxiety must be a passive approach. They say you can’t do anything. That was the hardest part of all, hearing that I can’t do anything, that I just have to wait and let it flow through me. It’s good advice for when I’m in the throws of a panic attack, but truth be told panic attacks are very, very rare for me these days. More than anything I’m dealing with this trained autopilot way of thinking and I want to run to wherever you are and throw my arms around you! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing Maria.

    Yoga is an amazing gift and with as much as it helps me I really should do it more often; I only do yoga about once a week, typically choosing intense fitness instead. I need to make more time for it. Have you been to doyogawithme.com? It is an amazing wealth of resources. And yes, I completely agree fitness is a must. It’s rare that I go more than two days in a row without exercising, and when I do my whole world lacks focus. It’s dramatic but true! you mention the serotonin that your body gets and yes endorphins are obviously huge, especially if you work out frequently you begin to get addicted (in a good way!) and your body misses those endorphins when you don’t workout, making you feel even more down. Chalene Johnson is an all-time favorite of mine and while she’s a fitness star her true passion is personal development so exercising with her videos is a great all-in-one. If you’re looking for something new search for TurboFire or PiYo by her…and if you’re looking for just a killer intense workout go to lesmillsondemand and try the Body Combat to feel seriously accomplished and proud of yourself! Lol but I digress…I could talk about fitness for hours 😉

    You mention to give myself credit for the small things that I do properly and this is big one, I think. I just realized after starting this forum yesterday that I rarely give credit to myself for facing things that stress me out. In an effort to overcome some of my triggers I face them head on and when I get through it, all sweaty and fumbling and nervous, instead of being proud of myself I mentality say, “you shouldn’t get so worked up about something so trivial anyway. It’s nothing to be proud of” and then I compare myself to how I “should have been” instead. I hope that just by recognizing this pattern I can start to give myself pats on the back and train away this mental behavior.

    I will look more into online courses for the cognitive therapy, I’m not in a place where I can visit a therapist so something online is exactly what I’m looking for. Do you have any favorites of your own?

    Truly a tremendous help, Maria. Thank you kind soul! 🙂

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110746
    Christy
    Participant

    Aislynn,

    I agree with you, there’s definitely an ebb and flow to my anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world and others I’m completely blindsighted by the fact that it’s been months where I’ve just been going through the motions of life, stressed and anxious. It’s like I wake up thinking, “how did I get here?”

    Nitpicking is such a good choice of word. I can say that unless I’m actively practicing these techniques I nitpick myself to death constantly. And the kicker — tell me if you agree with me here — is that I would never consider nitpicking others like this! I’m understanding and quick to forgive others. I can see where they came from and why they did whatever it was and with a snap of the fingers I’m over it. I don’t hold grudges toward anyone except for myself.

    What are some of your favorite mindfulness techniques?

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110744
    Christy
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thanks too for responding 🙂

    I agree with you entirely!! I get so tired of pretending! I’ve done it in the past, thinking fake-it-til-ya-make-it but so far that hasn’t worked for me lol. It’s better than being a glum sourpuss, I guess, but with that comes this whole expectation that “I’m acting happy but I’m not happy but I should be happy, omg why I am not happy” dialogue; cue shame, guilt, and resentment.

    Can you tell me more about what you refer to as your Healing Path? I’ve worked with a therapist in the past and dug a lot of things from the inner depths of my mind, learned what mindfulness meant and how to practice it daily, but I’m not in a place where I can visit a physical therapist. Any more resources would be greatly appreciated 🙂

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110743
    Christy
    Participant

    Socialchangebutterfly16,

    Thank you for taking the time to respond, I’m sorry that you have anxiety that you have to deal with as well. You make a good point about how others seem to have it all under control, and really those kinds of thoughts are comparisons which we know lay the groundwork for unhappiness. This is one that I forget all the time. It’s so unhealthy to compare to others, but I find myself doing it far more often than I’d like to admit.

    A mental behavior that I ignore often is even comparing myself to myself, and I find it can be equally unhealthy. There’s a fine line between self-betterment and berating and it seems like whenever I remember to stop comparing I forget to stop feeling guilty or whatever, and on and on it goes. One thing I know for sure is trying to “control” all these thoughts and feelings definitely doesn’t work. When you get a handle on one, another one slithers out. It seems like self-forgiveness is really the place to start.

    Thank you 🙂

    in reply to: Forgiving Ourselves for Anxiety #110742
    Christy
    Participant

    Inky,

    I am overwhelmed by the amount of kindness and support I have received here. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Knowing that I am not alone in this helps more than I would have believed. I have never heard of these other laws; I really appreciate you sharing them today.

    I wholeheartedly agree with you on that I feel guilty when things are good. When things are bad I worry because well, of course, things are bad. When things are good I worry about how it’s all going to come crashing down because it can’t possibly be this good. I’ve mostly worked through this and let go of this mentality over the last year, but you’re so right. It the past every small thing was such a struggle!

    Cheers,
    Christy

    in reply to: No Close Friends #110654
    Christy
    Participant

    Hi Ladybug,

    I see that you’ve received a lot of good responses here and I agree with everyone who says you’re not alone…this problem is so common and I’ve been experiencing the same thing for the last few years. I am in a wonderful, long-term relationship with my boyfriend and even though he’s thoughtful and understanding it just isn’t healthy to have only one person to go to! I totally understand where you’re coming from. Anna makes a good point, perhaps you should look inward to discover why you’re attracting a certain “type” of friend, but what if you journey inward and realize that it’s not you, it’s them? Perhaps the reason these kinds of friends are coming to you is because they’re not made up of “good friend material” and they bounce around from person to person and periodically land on you?

    If this is the case I have a different suggestion for you — look to “expat groups” or “new to the area groups” online for your community. People who have just relocated love to make friends with a local and I’ve met some really amazing people this way. Try searching on Facebook, Meetup, or NomadList — or even think outside of the box and rent out a spare room on Airbnb. You may end up with friends all over the world rather than a close community here, but talking to interesting people other than your partner will do a world of good, I promise! Consider signing up for local yoga, fitness, or acroyoga classes and make sure you attend all the same classes so people will start to recognize you. Try searching for a beginner level of something a little off the wall so that everyone feels awkward and uncomfortable — it’s the best bonding experience!

    Best wishes!

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)