Anita,

I tried several different tactics. When I was much younger, I would argue back with him and stand in the way if he tried to hit her, which in turn would result in me receiving the beating. My mother resented me for doing this, she often told me that my involvement made things infinitely worse between them. At other times, she would confide in me about the state of their relationship and I was expected to offer a solution (this started around the age of 7 and still continues more than 20 years on). I tried many times to ‘fix’ my father, and up until recently still believed that he could be fixed. I now realise that only he could make the active decision to change, nothing I can say or do will make a difference. I’ve tried to come to terms with the fact that people’s actions are about them, and not me. It’s difficult to keep perspective when you’re intimately involved with someone.

I realise a lot of my discomfort about the situation RE the man I was dating, is coming from a place of humiliation and shame. I feel horrified that I allowed myself to be so used and disrespected. However, I know where I need to go from here.

Thank you.

Mark,

Thank you for your advice. I am definitely in no position to be entering into any relationship with a man until I am ‘healed’, which will take as long as it needs to.

Anita,

Truth be told, I know very little about him. I have given up trying to understand him, because it was evidently my skewed perception of ‘love’ that kept me involved with such a man. My father has some serious anger and depression issues plus a ‘narcissistic’ personality. Growing up, I was often beat and then almost instantly he would apologise and the cycle would repeat all over again. My parents relationship has always been fractured. Yes, they are still married but my mother is very much subservient. His mood often fluctuates between very loving to completely cold and distant (sounds like the guy I was dating, right?).  Due to a very early traumatic sexual experience, I feel like I associated love/affection with sex. Clearly a lot of work needs to be done!

Thanks for reading.

Eliana,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I actually have that prayer written on my mirror! I will definitely look into the 12 step program x

Mark,

Thank you for your reply. I completely agree! In the past, I have been able to bounce back from much more ‘difficult’ situations than this, and truth be told this has unleashed some demons that I had locked up for a long time! That is probably the reason why this situation has consumed me. I plan on spending my time tackling my own demons and healing myself from this day forward.

Thank you! 🙂

Anita,

That makes so much sense! I never even thought of it that way. That would definitely explain why he generalised so much! Thank you for your valuable insight. I never did find out why his last relationship ended so badly, perhaps that is what has shaped his view of women?