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So Confused

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Viviana 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #192067

    Viviana
    Participant

    Hi guys,

    Hoping I can get some insight on my situation. I met someone online back in October 2017 – due to travel on both sides we did not actually meet in person until mid November. Things seemed to be going very well, he too was looking to get into a relationship and our conversations where great! until i start to catch him in little lies,  I did not approach him with this at the time, perhaps out of fear?  He had mentioned that for the holidays his close friends stay at his place which I found great as he wouldn’t be alone. Where this starts to get uncomfortable for me is on December 23rd I am made aware that his ex wife was in town and is the one who is staying at his place with him and no one else. This was told to me by a friend of mine who just so happens to know the ex (same industry). Being the holidays I decided not to bring it up plus he was not available, Dec 27th we meet and he confirms this was the case and that they are just friends. I decided to believe him as I have an ex (daughters father) who I am on friendly terms with only difference is we don’t sleep over each others homes.  I didnt see much of him for a bit as he always seemed to be going away for the weekend or just had something else going on (he only had 1 day a week to see me). This made me feel as though the relationship had taken a turn so I focused on myself/friends/family etc  then he would reappear and things between us seemed normal again. Until he decides to tell me he isn’t ready for a relationsip – I am not going to lie this upset me as it contradicted what he said in the beginning. I gave myself  space and did my own thing.   He seemed to contact me more and more and want to hang out when I did this. His birthday was in January and decided to take him out to celebrate we had a wonderful time where he proceeds to tell me that he doesn’t ever want to be dishonest with me again and that he will do everything to make sure I am happy and kept in the loop and most importantly he wanted to introduce me to his friends! (things I’d brought up prior). A few days after this he informs me that he is taking a trip – Great! I said let me know when you are leaving. He didnt he just left and 1 week later I find out via him that he the ex wife and a few of her friends where in Peru. I asked him why he never told me or called me? he said he’d dropped his phone on the toilet and had no way of communication, but he may of forgotten mentioning how he’d been in touch with his friends back home while in Peru. I walked away from him after he revealed his get away with the ex – and this is where I am confused. Now he tells me everything and I mean everything – where he is going/ who he is with etc I don’t ask he just does this, claiming he is ready to be authentic with me. I’ve still not met one single friend of his, when I ask he says soon. I can see some change in the relationship, but my problem is I’m so confused. He says he cares about me alot and wants me in his life forever but  is in a place where he isn’t ready for a relationship.  Why act like we are in one in private? I am not so sure I can get over the lies in the beginning either.  any advice/tips suggestions would be greatly appreciated <3

    #192087

    Ash
    Participant

    I have one piece of advice – RUN!!!! As quick as you can, i’ll post the link to a post you must read. Protect your heart and get out of this situation before you end up being really hurt. I’m sorry to sound harsh but this situation has redflags from the very beginning. Please, please have a read of this and just end this whilst you have the upper hand. I wish I would have!

    Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me

    Knowing When To Bail Out – Red Flags

     

     

    #192095

    Viviana
    Participant

    Great read indeed! Thank you Ash.

    My gut has been telling me to run for sometime. I appreciate your response <3

    #192101

    Ash
    Participant

    You’re welcome 🙂 Her blog has a lot of information on it which I think will be very helpful in understanding his motivations and what you need to do.

    Always trust your gut!

    Much love xx

    #192119

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Viviana,

    It is very difficult to make a relationship work when meeting someone on line. I have tried this method several times, and it is always very complicated. There were many red flags in the beginning. First, I would never get into any type of romantic relationship with a man who lies. That is a big no-no. Once lying starts without therapy, it is hard to stop compulsive lying. The second red flag, his ex was still heavily involved in his life complicating things further, creating more lies and deception from him. The Third and biggest red flag is that he stated several times, he is not ready for a relationship. This does not look promising. You deserve better. A healthy, emotionally available, loving, honest and supportive man. Lose this loser. You are better than this. x

    #192135

    Viviana
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    First of all love the name as it is my middle name 🙂

    I agree that I deserve better and thank you for pointing out what I didn’t see clearly myself.

    question for you, I’ve decided to stop talking to him and focus on myself. I feel as though I don’t want to have a chat with him about my intentions of leaving this alone and just cutting of all forms of communications. Do you have any advice on this?

    #192183

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Viviana,

    Thank you for the compliment about my name, so cool we have the same ones! I don’t see any problem with wanting closure, but be careful with this. Many people think that ending communication will make the person change somehow, like “oh my gosh, I’m losing her! I better clean up my act, change, start testing her like gold, stop lying, stop communicating with my ex, stop sending mixed signals!!. However, this rarely happens, and wanting closure with someone thinking it might scare them to change is mute. They might for a little bit, but without therapy, only they can fix themselves, and and unfortunately they will go back to their old ways. I feel he treated you with dishonesty and disrespect, and I believe in Karma, in other words, no respect in return. Telling him, you no longer want communication with him, is kind of like saying “oh gosh..sorry..but this is not working out, and I wish you all the best” which is showing him respect. I feel he deserves no respect. No communication..in other words ghosting. No further contact. He deserves no “goodbyes, no closure, no nothing”. But if it gives you closure and makes you feel better, go ahead, but I would not give him the satisfaction of doing it in person, where he might talk you put of it. Just be brief and blunt and send a short e-mail. Once you end it, don’t respond back, no matter how “charming” he might try to be. x

    #192185

    Eliana
    Participant

    P.S. sorry for the typos above, for some reason, I was unable to edit.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by  Eliana.
    #192207

    Viviana
    Participant

    I completely agree. No contact is the best way to go!

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond 🙂

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