Thank you Anita.

Yes, I don’t feel it’d be fair to him if I don’t go.

I will think of further responses, for now I’d just like to say thank you for all your help.

Ava

Thank you Anita.

I’m sorry for the delayed reply, I was catching on some sleep.

You’re right, I’ll probably carry the anger throughout if I just go without saying anything. Unless I can let go off the anger.

I don’t really want to ask him to pick me up because it’s asking for something obvious, and maybe for something he doesn’t want to do because maybe it would feel too something for him—too romantic, maybe, so maybe he doesn’t want to do that. Technically I’m assuming why he won’t do it and I shouldn’t be but this practically seems like a common courtesy. You often do that for a friend even. He’s not asked me about it, just set plans and told me how to go about it. He’s done that before, I had told him before it felt like he was shutting me down. Which apparently wasn’t his goal, of course, he’s a good person, he’s wonderful really, otherwise I wouldn’t be flying to see him. But then every now and then he does things in this way that are inconsiderate to say the least, and done in a way where I don’t feel like I can have any input. I understand he has his reasons, it’s the way he feels about something or maybe it’s Covid and he doesn’t get exposed—though hey, he works at a gym… with people. I really don’t know what his reasons are but it feels bad just asking about it.

I noticed that unfortunately I feel somehow hurt by something he says or does about every three weeks, and it takes me a week to recover. So I think I should maybe take this as a serious sign. Or somehow just not give a damn and laugh it off. Seems like the only solution in those situations. But I can’t really just do that forever.

I wanted to give up on this trip twice before. We agreed I’m coming in the end. So I don’t want to cancel anymore. But maybe if I get myself in that head space of, I’m just visiting for a few days and leaving, and I’m not coming back, maybe that’s ok. Maybe I can live with that and let go of any emotions about it, and understand things would continue with him in a way when some “little” and yet big things would always be an issue for me, with him.

He sent me a link to the website describing how to get from the airport to the ferry, which is apparently fairly simple. I won’t have to walk that much with luggage, maybe ten minutes, plus the airport, train, etc. But I have two bags and was supposed to take a laptop to show him some software. So this is all getting bulky really and I’m scared for the laptop. And that link he sent me did mention how single women should watch out using the elevator and wait for a someone trustworthy going in, and tag to that person. Did he even read that? Yes I know I have to be careful, I’ve traveled alone and for work a bunch, and I carried my own luggage, it’s just that if I’m flying to see him, maybe it would be nice if I don’t have to look for strange men to tag along to, so I’m sure someone won’t take my laptop on the train station for instance. I’ve seen it happen to a woman standing three yards from me, he fought her for her purse and ran off, took five seconds, disappeared into the crowd. So it would be nice not to look over your shoulder for once, if you’re flying to see a man anyway. If I’m alone, doing things alone because I decide to, then that’s my problem of course.

If getting from the airport to the ferry is so easy, why won’t he pick me up at the airport then.

I have a son and had an unwanted c-section. Had a back injury after that taking care of my son. The c-section throws off your stomach muscles and makes you more prone to back injuries. There are studies on that even. And I had an unwanted c-section that maybe could have been avoided but 50% of women in that hospital had c-sections, which makes a ton of money for the hospital and the doctors that push it, mostly men who will never have c-sections. It’s “Business of giving birth” I guess, as in that documentary that is really good. It took me two years to recover from the back injury but I still have to really watch out, and I pulled some tendon a couple years ago again, same spot. And I exercise but need to watch out lifting at the angle. So I guess as a woman you’re here to make $ for a male doctor as you give life, get a back injury as you nurture new life, and then you’re stuck at the airport picking up your own bags while the man with the muscles hangs out somewhere.

… I’m sorry for this rant and this is unfair to all the great men out there, but sometimes I’ve just really had it.

It seems to me that the common courtesy of lifting heavy things for a woman or letting her go first or sit down as the man stands or if there are no chairs, that’s there for a reason. Because down the line we are the ones biologically physically weaker, but we take the burden of making new humans and most of the burden of raising them, especially time-wise. So it would be nice of the gender that biologically has more muscles and is stronger maybe picked up something heavy for us. So-called common courtesy.

I’m sorry for the rant Anita.

I’m thinking, if I just fly there and let go off the anger, but go with that mindset of, “I understand things won’t change and he’s wonderful but I’m letting go after this,” maybe that will help me.

Funny thing is, I don’t think that’s what he would like to be happening, but it is.

I’ll meditate a bit on this and hopefully let go of my emotions and presuppositions.

…And I’m not taking my laptop to teach him that software either. I already decided on that. Lol. That’s really too much to expect of me at this point.

I hope you have a great day Anita, and thank you so much for this site. It’s been great help to so many people and I like to read the posts here, like so many others.

Hi Anita, Thank you so much for your response.

I didn’t fly there yet. But I am flying there and I know he’s not picking me up.

It’s not that he won’t make any effort. He’ll pick me up down the road, off the train, after I walk to another station. I have luggage, it’s heavy. I was supposed to take a couple things like my laptop that I now think I’ll leave behind. I have gifts for him and his friends, snacks, etc. So it’s just a lot to handle for a woman. I had a back injury. This just doesn’t feel right whatsoever.

And he told me not to worry and not to hurry to get to that other place, that he will be there relaxing. Well, I won’t be relaxing. I’ll be hauling my luggage to get there. And my plane is early in the morning, I’m getting up at 3 am to catch the plane, arranging long term parking for my car. I’m an immigrant but in my country of origin a man helps the woman with her bags. So this just doesn’t feel right. 🙁