September 20, 2021 at 4:26 pm #386557
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Why does it hurt when you fly to see him and he doesn’t pick you up at the airport?</span></p>
Should I just be fine with it?
Should I manage my feelings somehow?September 20, 2021 at 4:30 pm #386559
I am sorry that he didn’t pick you up at the airport, it’s not a surprise that you are “Feeling hurt”! Of course you shouldn’t be fine with it.. unless he had a very good reason, such as a real emergency situation.. did he?
anitaSeptember 20, 2021 at 4:51 pm #386562
Hi Anita, Thank you so much for your response.
I didn’t fly there yet. But I am flying there and I know he’s not picking me up.
It’s not that he won’t make any effort. He’ll pick me up down the road, off the train, after I walk to another station. I have luggage, it’s heavy. I was supposed to take a couple things like my laptop that I now think I’ll leave behind. I have gifts for him and his friends, snacks, etc. So it’s just a lot to handle for a woman. I had a back injury. This just doesn’t feel right whatsoever.
And he told me not to worry and not to hurry to get to that other place, that he will be there relaxing. Well, I won’t be relaxing. I’ll be hauling my luggage to get there. And my plane is early in the morning, I’m getting up at 3 am to catch the plane, arranging long term parking for my car. I’m an immigrant but in my country of origin a man helps the woman with her bags. So this just doesn’t feel right. 🙁September 20, 2021 at 5:01 pm #386563
I will read and reply when I am back to the computer, in about two hours from now.
anitaSeptember 20, 2021 at 5:22 pm #386564
Thank you Anita.September 20, 2021 at 7:35 pm #386565
You are welcome. If I was in your shoes, I would feel hurt and uncomfortable, and .. angry too, and my whole trip would be ruined because I’d be resentful the whole time about him not offering to pick me up from the airport.
So, if I was you, I would contact him as soon as possible and tell him that I am upset about having to carry heavy luggage around, especially having a back injury, and hear what he has to say. If he doesn’t offer to pick you up from the airport, ask him why he didn’t offer that, and if you are unsatisfied with the answer- cancel the trip. Otherwise, you will carry the anger throughout the whole trip, and what would be the point (?)
September 21, 2021 at 8:01 am #386572
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
Thank you Anita.
I’m sorry for the delayed reply, I was catching on some sleep.
You’re right, I’ll probably carry the anger throughout if I just go without saying anything. Unless I can let go off the anger.
I don’t really want to ask him to pick me up because it’s asking for something obvious, and maybe for something he doesn’t want to do because maybe it would feel too something for him—too romantic, maybe, so maybe he doesn’t want to do that. Technically I’m assuming why he won’t do it and I shouldn’t be but this practically seems like a common courtesy. You often do that for a friend even. He’s not asked me about it, just set plans and told me how to go about it. He’s done that before, I had told him before it felt like he was shutting me down. Which apparently wasn’t his goal, of course, he’s a good person, he’s wonderful really, otherwise I wouldn’t be flying to see him. But then every now and then he does things in this way that are inconsiderate to say the least, and done in a way where I don’t feel like I can have any input. I understand he has his reasons, it’s the way he feels about something or maybe it’s Covid and he doesn’t get exposed—though hey, he works at a gym… with people. I really don’t know what his reasons are but it feels bad just asking about it.
I noticed that unfortunately I feel somehow hurt by something he says or does about every three weeks, and it takes me a week to recover. So I think I should maybe take this as a serious sign. Or somehow just not give a damn and laugh it off. Seems like the only solution in those situations. But I can’t really just do that forever.
I wanted to give up on this trip twice before. We agreed I’m coming in the end. So I don’t want to cancel anymore. But maybe if I get myself in that head space of, I’m just visiting for a few days and leaving, and I’m not coming back, maybe that’s ok. Maybe I can live with that and let go of any emotions about it, and understand things would continue with him in a way when some “little” and yet big things would always be an issue for me, with him.
He sent me a link to the website describing how to get from the airport to the ferry, which is apparently fairly simple. I won’t have to walk that much with luggage, maybe ten minutes, plus the airport, train, etc. But I have two bags and was supposed to take a laptop to show him some software. So this is all getting bulky really and I’m scared for the laptop. And that link he sent me did mention how single women should watch out using the elevator and wait for a someone trustworthy going in, and tag to that person. Did he even read that? Yes I know I have to be careful, I’ve traveled alone and for work a bunch, and I carried my own luggage, it’s just that if I’m flying to see him, maybe it would be nice if I don’t have to look for strange men to tag along to, so I’m sure someone won’t take my laptop on the train station for instance. I’ve seen it happen to a woman standing three yards from me, he fought her for her purse and ran off, took five seconds, disappeared into the crowd. So it would be nice not to look over your shoulder for once, if you’re flying to see a man anyway. If I’m alone, doing things alone because I decide to, then that’s my problem of course.
If getting from the airport to the ferry is so easy, why won’t he pick me up at the airport then.
I have a son and had an unwanted c-section. Had a back injury after that taking care of my son. The c-section throws off your stomach muscles and makes you more prone to back injuries. There are studies on that even. And I had an unwanted c-section that maybe could have been avoided but 50% of women in that hospital had c-sections, which makes a ton of money for the hospital and the doctors that push it, mostly men who will never have c-sections. It’s “Business of giving birth” I guess, as in that documentary that is really good. It took me two years to recover from the back injury but I still have to really watch out, and I pulled some tendon a couple years ago again, same spot. And I exercise but need to watch out lifting at the angle. So I guess as a woman you’re here to make $ for a male doctor as you give life, get a back injury as you nurture new life, and then you’re stuck at the airport picking up your own bags while the man with the muscles hangs out somewhere.
… I’m sorry for this rant and this is unfair to all the great men out there, but sometimes I’ve just really had it.
It seems to me that the common courtesy of lifting heavy things for a woman or letting her go first or sit down as the man stands or if there are no chairs, that’s there for a reason. Because down the line we are the ones biologically physically weaker, but we take the burden of making new humans and most of the burden of raising them, especially time-wise. So it would be nice of the gender that biologically has more muscles and is stronger maybe picked up something heavy for us. So-called common courtesy.
I’m sorry for the rant Anita.
I’m thinking, if I just fly there and let go off the anger, but go with that mindset of, “I understand things won’t change and he’s wonderful but I’m letting go after this,” maybe that will help me.
Funny thing is, I don’t think that’s what he would like to be happening, but it is.
I’ll meditate a bit on this and hopefully let go of my emotions and presuppositions.
…And I’m not taking my laptop to teach him that software either. I already decided on that. Lol. That’s really too much to expect of me at this point.
I hope you have a great day Anita, and thank you so much for this site. It’s been great help to so many people and I like to read the posts here, like so many others.September 21, 2021 at 9:38 am #386575
You are welcome to rant and vent here anytime! Regarding thanking me for this site: the Founder and Daily Operator of this site is the wonderful Lori Deschene, and she deserves the credit. I am a very active member here, that is all.
“I don’t really want to ask him to pick me up.. maybe it would feel.. too romantic, maybe, so maybe he doesn’t want to do that… but this practically seems like a common courtesy“- it is a matter of courtesy, not of romance: a matter of courtesy which is .. not as common as it should be.
“he’s a good person, he’s wonderful really“-not good enough, not wonderful enough to.. exercise basic courtesy.
“I understand he has his reasons“- there are always reason behind a person’s inconsideration, selfishness.. and even cruelty, but reasons are not excuses for bad behavior. For example, you stated that the reasons doctors in a particular hospital push for unnecessary C-section operations on pregnant women is to make tons of money for the hospital. This reason does not excuse their highly unethical, and seems to me, criminal behavior!
“as a woman you’re here to make $ for a male doctor.. get a back injury”, “it took me two years to recover from the back injury“- a great injustice!
“He sent me a link to the website describing how to get from the airport to the ferry.. I won’t have to walk that much with luggage, maybe ten minutes, plus the airport, train, etc… that link he sent me did mention how single women should watch out.. and wait for a someone trustworthy going in, and tag to that person. Did he even read that?.. if I’m flying to see him, maybe it would be nice if I don’t have to look for strange men to tag along to.. I’ve seen it happen to a woman standing three yards from me, he fought her for her purse and ran off, took five seconds, disappeared into the crowd“-
-The fact that he lacks basic courtesy has been established, but if he knows of your back injury and your vulnerability to get re-injured.. and he didn’t offer to pick you up from the airport so to prevent you from lifting heavy luggage.. that’s more than lack of basic courtesy, it’s a blatant disregard for your health!
Add to it, the fact that women are vulnerable to robbery while traveling alone.. that’s blatant disregard to your safety, and to your expensive belongings (including the laptop that you considered carrying so to help him)!
“I’m thinking, if I just fly there and let go off the anger, but go with that mindset of, ‘I understand things won’t change and he’s wonderful but I’m letting go after this,’ maybe that will help me“- I fail to see his wonderfulness. He may be wonderful in some contexts, and/ or to some people.. but not to you in regard to your well-being.
“And I’m not taking my laptop to teach him that software either“- since you decided to travel to see him, if I was in your shoes, I would tell him before you fly that you can’t take your laptop because it is too heavy for your back, and too expensive to be lost to theft. Say it clearly, but casually, and quickly move on to another topic, so to give him the opportunity to not respond to what you just said. His response, or lack of response, will be very telling!
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 12:45 pm #386579
I’d like to say thank you again, and for such a detailed response.
This site wouldn’t be what it is without you. And thank you for that.
I guess a trouble with feelings is, one never knows if they are valid or not. When I experience them I double guess myself. Maybe they’re the result of my internal filter and experiences and they don’t really fit in with the “objective” reality, if there is such a thing even. One never knows if one is truly fair to others or if one response’s are skewed. As humans we respond subjectively, seems like it. So I never know how subjective I might be in a moment, especially if there are any feelings involved.
Regarding your question, he knows I had a back injury post c-section though I’m not sure we discussed re-injury or what that means to me. Though to be honest I’m asking myself if I’d feel about this any differently had I had no back injury in the past. I think I’d feel about this the same.
To be honest I don’t even want to go anymore. I think it’s just going to be awkward sooner rather than later. If I don’t go, I’ll feel guilty. It’s too late. We made plans. The flight is early Saturday.
Things get so complicated sometimes. But I brought this upon myself and I acknowledge that.
AvaSeptember 21, 2021 at 1:10 pm #386581
You are welcome and than you for your kind words!
“I guess a trouble with feelings is, one never knows if they are valid or not. When I experience them I double guess myself. Maybe they’re the result of my internal filter and experiences and they don’t really fit in with the “objective” reality, if there is such a thing even“- I used to be confused in this way for a long, long time. I am much clearer now in regard to Subjective Perception (SP) vs Objective Reality (OR)
The fact that he didn’t offer to pick you up from the airport- that’s OR. That you feel hurt and angry about it- these are your Valid Feelings, meaning your Subjective Perception FITS Objective Reality.
There is such a thing as Objective Reality, example, gravity: one can perceive that it doesn’t exist, jump off a cliff intending to fly (as people have done), but gravity will have the last word every time. It is true that in matters far less conclusive than gravity, everyone- to one extent or another (often when particularly distressed)- experiences a SP that doesn’t fit OR, sometimes not even close. This is why, when you perceive something about another person, but you are not sure: better ask that person a question so to prove or disprove your perception…(Of course, a person may not give you an honest answer).
“One never knows if.. one response’s are skewed. As humans we respond subjectively“- the OR has no access to us except through our SP, through out brain where thoughts and emotions, beliefs and memories reside. True to each and every animal with a brain: no one get’s to experience reality directly. There is a way to learn and practice a better and better fit between OB and SP.
“One never knows if one is truly fair to others“- I would like you to elaborate on this sometime, starting with perhaps, who was unfair to you when you were a child, yet.. you were not then, and still, you are not sure if he/ she really was unfair to you, we are confused about it (?)
“To be honest I don’t even want to go anymore. I think it’s just going to be awkward sooner rather than later. If I don’t go, I’ll feel guilty”– I am guessing that you will feel that you would not be truly fair to him if you don’t go.
“It’s too late. We made plans. The flight is early Saturday“- it’s not too late to cancel a bad plan, but we have to be clear that it’s a bad plan, rather than being confused about it.
“Things get so complicated sometimes“- I know, but many complicated things can become surprisingly simple when we are no longer confused about them.
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 2:32 pm #386585
Correcting a few typos from my above post: “OR has no access to us except through our SP, through our brain where thoughts and emotions, beliefs and memories reside. True to each and every animal with a brain: no one get’s to experience reality directly. There is a way to learn and practice a better and better fit between OR and SP”.
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 3:19 pm #386588
Thank you Anita.
Yes, I don’t feel it’d be fair to him if I don’t go.
I will think of further responses, for now I’d just like to say thank you for all your help.
AvaSeptember 21, 2021 at 3:31 pm #386589
You are most welcome. “Yes, I don’t feel it’d be fair to him..”- I wish you’d think of what is fair to you. Imagine that you matter that much, that.. it matters most what is fair to you?!