@anita

It’s been some time since I came back here. I have been focused on becoming more productive with my time. I’m still not where I want to be, but I see progress. I am doing better than before. But my existence in this world feels lonely and it is sometimes hard to sincerely smile.

I do believe that we are living in a world were we have to suffer alone. I do not think that our togetherness is enough anymore. I believe this because of the world we live in is slowly collapsing. The economy is failing, society has turned to exiling people based on beliefs, and we are all depressed. We are going back to the stone age. Maybe one day we can come together and realize the hell we created for ourselves. But if not, we will create something, such as a machine with AI so intelligent that it learns that the human race a parasite to the world and there is genocide until mankind is no more.

@hellcat

I understand that small achievements should be celebrated. But it’s hard for me because I have such high expectations for myself.

In regards to your last question, my father past away years ago and I don’t keep in contact with that side of the family. My mother on the other hand, I still keep in contact with her, but I’m not really close. I’m close with my brother though. He means a lot to me. We’ve been through everything together.

@anita

I like that quote.

This week I’ve been trying hard to get into a routine but I’ve been on and off. I wanted to have results before I replied but I can’t seem to get them.

The hardest part is going to sleep. Im up until the a.m. and it creates too much of a barrier into waking up early. It feels like every night I try to sleep my mind reminds me of the trauma of my past and it keeps me up. It suppresses me and puts me in a dark place.

Im looking for a therapist right now. Im going to try to call them tomorrow. I think I really need to talk to someone. But it’s hard finding the right person. I just feel that no one cares, or if they do they don’t understand.

@Helcat

My trip was good. I did it with my girlfriend so I don’t feel like I had the time to focus on myself.

I think once I get some bad habits out of the way, then I’m sure my sleep will improve.

@anita

I did succeed in managing my alcohol consumption. But smoking is still a consistent habit. I checked out that NRT thing you were talking about and I see there’s nictotine inhalers. I’m going to pick one up tomorrow. I’ve tried gum and the mouth spray, neither worked for me. It’s the smoking part that is addicting. I need something to inhale so I think that will help.

I agree with you completely when you talk about having a routine. This is what I lack. I’ve always known I needed a routine, but I can never get myself to do it. And when I do start one, I fall out of it. That is when I try to do everything. But I think a better strategy for me is to start small. As of now, I’ve been trying to start with an early morning, but I’ve kept sleeping in due to my late bedtimes.

This morning, I will try to wake up at a decent time, doesn’t have to be super early, and then do a simple aerobic exercise. Something to get my heart rate up. Then I will start focusing on tasks that I need to get done to keep productivity.

I will reply with an update when I can to how I’m doing with this.

Thanks for the advice.

@anita

Thanks anita,

I am back from my trip. I decided that I am going to find a therapist in my area. Sometimes it’s nice being able to just talk to someone and I think that is what I’m lacking in life. I’ve never had anyone close enough to feel comfortable sharing how I feel. My whole life, I feel as though I’ve isolated myself from the world. That I’ve been alone for all these years and every interaction that I’ve exchanged with anyone is ingenuine or just doesn’t feel authentic. It feels like I’m a separate entity, co-existing with everything around me.

I understand that I’ve got some deep trauma from my childhood. I suffered greatly and when I became independent I continued to suffer because the pain has burrowed so deep into my soul. I’ve always found solace in vices that only caused harm to me, mostly alcohol and tobacco. In fact, I’ve gone through many bouts of alcoholism and self destructive behavior that caused implications in my relationships and life in general. To only be pushing everyone away and reinforcing my isolation.

To me, I find my life to be a great deal of suffering, for every approach I make to find meaning in it, there is a cynic in me. I always hear his voice in my head, convincing me that the only thing this world has to offer is the inevitable continuing of pain and loneliness. Silently, I’ve been living in my own hell. And so many times I dream to end it all. But it seems as though there’s always a glimmer of hope somewhere that keeps me from committing to such a permanent end.

It is hard, and all I want is for it to end. But I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know where to start. It’s like some supernatural power such as a dark cloud is hanging about my head. Or a disease that plagues my mind. I can only dream for a cure, but I do feel hopeless. That maybe this is who I am now. That the monsters I’ve been fighting my whole life are who I’ve now become.

One thing is for certain, it will come to an end. But whether it’s by one day, finally breaking myself free from these chains, or dying here, alone in this dungeon. I just hope that it isn’t the latter.

In the past I struggled with feelings of loneliness, guilt and shame. But now I’ve learned to accept these feelings. Except sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because there are accomplishments that I want to achieve and I feel mentally weak to complete them. So I guess I get in a dark place when I realize this.

What is the most difficult for me is my battle with insomnia. Every night I spend too much time with racing thoughts about everything that I can not sleep. My mind is just too active.