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Thanks for you insight John. The thing that gets me more then anything is I feel guilty and yet I don’t know what went wrong.
There is a lot of stuff that sometimes makes me happy but I’ll share the one thing that almost always brings me a little happiness. Every night since I was a kid I have been on this adventure as I fall asleep. It all takes place in a fantasy world I made up. As I am lying in bed it’s like I visit my friends and people I love in this world. Of course I know they are all made up but I have going there for so long it feels like a real place. No matter where I go or where I am at, I can always find comfort there.
You may be surprised to find you’ve already made it through the hardest part. For me I found it fairly easy to move on when I made the decision to let go. I didn’t really have any regrets, and if there were it wasn’t long for that feeling to go away. I guess it’s because I stopped giving all my attention to that person or the thought of them anyways. Now that my attention could go somewhere else all that faded away. I was still the same person free to love or not love as I chose. Whatever happens from here, I wish you great happiness.
I had been in that situation and it worked out for the best when I completely walked away. I know on the surface it may have seemed kind of cold and heartless and may even appear resentful to the other person but it was nothing like that. I walked away because I was stuck in a painful holding pattern in which I wasn’t going anywhere. It was also emotionally draining me, on top of making me crazy. It had nothing to do with the other person whatsoever. In fact I still deeply love the person I walked away from, but I no longer feel the attachment or pain of their unrequited love.
When I walked away however I made sure to pull the plug completely. I blocked all email contact, blocked their number on my phone and deleted all messages and anything that could tempt me to look back. I even had a special private goodbye ceremony for just me which involved flowers, balloons, a poetry reading, dressing up, and a personal celebration afterwards. Not only was it a great day, but the ceremony seemed to make it official somehow.
Sometimes life offers us situations where there is no clear cut answers and that’s those times when you just have to make a clear choice. In my situation it worked out better because I could finally breathe again. It also reminded me that the beautiful dream I held for that relationship was never a reflection of that persons love of me to begin with but rather the love I had for myself. To be more specific, I was only using that person as a reason to feel loved.
Since walking away from this person, if I were to ever see them again, I would still love that person just as much but not with the same attachment. It would feel more clear because I am not expecting anything.