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For me personally, I like the No Contact rule. Because in that situation it’s hard to keep from getting hooked back in by your own emotions, and theirs. With NC you don’t have to figure anything out, or rack your brain trying to know what will happen. You just keep it simple. Your life is precious and your time is valuable. There are billions of people in this world, and I am sure many of them people would just love to be with you.
One the one hand, It feels so good when someone cares about you and gives you so much attention. You feel so wanted, but then it sends mixed messages because he is already in, from what you can tell, a committed relationship. The weird thing is that you can never really know what’s going on with a person. They may show all the signs of a happy and committed relationship on the surface but that doesn’t mean it’s really the case. Even if he is in a happy relationship with someone else it still doesn’t change the fact that people get bored with the same thing all the time, and also it doesn’t change his attraction to you. On some level he probably knows he knows he can’t have you and that makes him want you even more. Adding alcohol just means he is letting go of his inhibitions.
What do you think you should do at this point? Since you can’t know for certain what he wants, the only thing you can really do is decide on what you want and go from there. Do you want something more? How do feel about yourself? That’s where you really have your power.
One thing I have been wondering is why do we completely accept it and move on when someone dies, but we can’t completely accept and move on so easily after a breakup?
Hi Sapnap3 and E
I was just thinking about this same topic recently and I had a few insights about false hope. I think one of the problems many of us have in our society is a belief in, “the one”. It’s so common that we forget the reality. Can you remember the time in your life when you didn’t know this person? Can you remember other relationships in which you thought that person was the one, even if it were only for a little while?
Often the reason we were attracted to this person to begin with was that they offered us something that we felt we were lacking in ourselves. It could be a different way of living, or view on the world. They could offer us confidence, or spiritual growth of some kind. Once you know what quality it is that drew you to this person it will be easier to there are other people in the world who can offer many of the same qualities you are drawn to. I am not saying this is an answer, but just some things I have been wondering about lately.
One of the things that helps me for that specifically is Byron Katie’s. “The Work”. I use it whenever I am judging myself or another person. We often let our own negative beliefs go without seeing if they are actually true or not. The work actually gets me to challenge the validity of my own beliefs. By honestly asking if a belief I have is actually true, not for my egos sake but rather for truth itself. Doing this suddenly stops it’s effects. I think the work is one of my favorite self development tools especially for that judgments.
Who says you have to just come out and open up with this person? That may actually harm your relationship. Most people that I know of won’t like criticism even if it’s said in the nicest ways possible. Instead you can gain cooperation in gentler, kinder indirect ways which inspire better behavior rather then punishing bad behavior. If you want people to do something differently, try figuring out what they desire and or what they fear and then you can use it as leverage.
Peoples words, actions, and behaviors will help you learn they want or need. Observe it. If they shout a lot, and make demands then what they are really saying is, “I feel small and inferior and need to feel important.” Now you have leverage. Do things like offer them choices instead of requests, but offer your choices in a such a way that gets you what you want. Subtly emphasize the cleverness of option A while downplay the importance of option B. Chances are you know ahead of time which choice they will make. You can also do things like play into their ego but you have to be subtle about it. The more important you make them feel the less they will act out. Also dole out your approval of them in such a way that they have to work for it otherwise they will get spoiled.
There are a few other things you can do like consciously changing your tones and expressions to change the mood of the person around you. You would be amazed at how people will mirror you. For instance when I am around angry people I soften and lower my voice and smile gently to create a sense of serenity. Within a few minutes they begin to calm down all the while building trust. Eventually they will start making better choices.
Also you can do things that will inspire people to act towards you differently. Become less available but not completely out of reach. That will make you seem more valuable. Be mysterious. That will make you seem more unique and therefor more valuable. And when you start becoming predictable change it up. Also don’t make many requests but when you do wait until the timing is right to make your big requests. Figure out when such person is most receptive to listening.
There are so many ways you can go about it. Get creative make a game out of it 🙂
Here is a quick summary…
1. Observe the persons behaviors, words, actions
2. Figure out through that what they want (usually it’s to feel important, powerful,loved, smart etc…)
3. Create incentive
4. Take the initiative
4. Ration accordingly
5. Get creative as needed
You don’t have to do it the way I recommend but you don’t have to be direct all the time either.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Tera.
Thank you Meg,
So basically I can still have my dream but just need to separate work time from day dream time. This is extremely helpful. I’ll start doing that and see what happens. Thank you very much.
Thank you Matt
I am really trying to live into my dream job as a lofty minded artist, which is a role I want to live and portray, but in order to do that I first have to secretly play the role of accountant, spy, strategist, negotiator, makeup artist, and CEO. Each task requires me to turn on and off different states of mind. I want that carrot so much I am willing to detach from my own ego.. That’s why I am having some of this conflict. Hopefully Meg’s idea will help me stay focused.
Hi again Leslie,
This morning I had more time to think about your post and something specifically you touched on. You said that you are in your 50’s and never had a best friend. It almost sounds as if you are punishing yourself for not having achieved this. First off it’s never too late, and second it’s not something to feel down on yourself for even if you haven’t. As I reflect on my life, there are many things I feel I have missed out on, or couldn’t accomplish for which most other people seem to have so easily. That’s a recipe for depression if I ever heard of one.
If you look at yourself and think about what you have accomplished you’ll probably find that there are a lot of people who could only dream about doing what you can do. It may seem insignificant to you because it’s so mundane and familiar. I have a friend who never goes out except for work. When she comes home all she does is sits in a chair and knits. She laments that she doesn’t have much of a life, but when I see her work, I am in awe. She is so creative, and patiently churns out beautiful things while I am off fluttering about never really getting anything done. The truth is that I envy what she has made of herself and sometimes get down on myself for my impatience.
What I think it’s really about is I use my time developing my social skills whereas she uses hers to develop her artistry but it’s easy to forget that when all we see is what others have. So what I think I am saying is that we have all these silly social standards that govern what we are supposed to accomplish and when we are supposed to accomplish them. And when we don’t live up to them by a certain time or in a specific order, such as,” by the time I am 30 I should own a house, or have 2 kids, or my dream job etc…” we think we are failures. Imagine that!?
For that matter do we ever stop and think that there are too many of these standards to achieve them all? Even if we did, are they what we would really want or are they just established generic models of what we are supposed to want? By those standards I am a complete and total failure.
Hi Leslie. This is what I did and it helped me a great deal. It might not get you completely out of where you are at, but it might actually ease some of your concerns.
What I did was..
1. Make a list of everything wrong with me.
2. Look at each flaw 1 at a time.
3. Ask myself if anyone else had these same flaws and it turned out most humans including a few aliens have these same flaws
4. I took inventory of what I could actually change and what I couldn’t change I made peace with it.
5. I made a list of every positive quality about me.
Sometimes what you fear about yourself isn’t really as bad as you think once you drag it into the open. If you just keep it bottled instead of looking at it, you never really get a clear picture of it, and it lives on to scare you. Pay no attention the man behind the curtain.
Another thing for that voice in my head that probably says similar things to yours is doing, “The Work” by Byron Katie. It’s amazing how effective it is because sometime asking if it’s true will open a new dialogue.
Finally. Like you I work at making great friends all the time. In fact I have actually worked at it a lot this year. One thing that really helps is to put aside the need for friendship and just talk to people everywhere I go, and I mean everywhere I go. Practice practice practice…At the grocery store. At the gym, at the restaurant and wherever there are people. I am not trying to establish a deep connection nor am I fake with people, but just getting to know people and find out who they are.
Although this seems kind of shallow, you’re slowly letting go of fears of rejection while exposing your honest self more and more. Best of all, you don’t ever realize it!
You don’t have to do it all at once either. Just chip at bit by bit. Remember…crawl, walk, runJuly 8, 2013 at 2:33 pm in reply to: He rejected me now he wants more then ever to be with me #38191
I think you are right! He just wanted to test the waters. If I wasn’t good enough from the start then I’ll probably never be good enough for him. Thank you so much Leina!
You are definitely right on that. It happens all the time. That’s why I try to read peoples tone more then their words. I have heard that we communicate more non-verbally.
Thanks again Matt 🙂
What is a metta practice lol? I do set boundaries with my mom. Sometimes it works, and she still takes it harshly. I am just trying to understand how she can’t see her part in this, but at the same time I accept her for who she is. One thing I wanting is to get so at good at walking away that it becomes automatic response. Do you think it’s possible to become completely immune?
Thank you Jeff. Just reading your post makes me feel less confused. Even with all that practice of mindfulness her constant behavior to me can be very distorting. What gets me is that it doesn’t have to be that way. Instead of seeing me for who I am and how great our relationship could be, she would rather continue to play the abused mother.
Thanks Matt. I definitely do apply similar concepts. I look at her as a child who is confused. I try to understand what she is needing in how she acts and then to see if I can help in some ways, but this also makes a doormat. I feel like I am losing my sense of self because she is so needy.
This may not be the answer to your long term situation, but sometimes when I feel sad it’s because I am spending too much time thinking about what’s missing, or gone. When that happens I remind myself to make lists of all the things that I like or love about my life. It helps me remember how good life is. It doesn’t even have to be all that great. For me something as simple as, the taste of and crunch of a green apple, or the bite of can of icy soda lead to better and better feelings. Eventually it becomes people I love and all the great things about the world. It’s deceptively simple but it really works for me.
Maybe there is nothing to learn except just be who I am, and not try to figure out other peoples insecurities..