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Conflicted emotions, what should I do?

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  • #38738
    anon
    Participant

    First of all, before I say anything, I want to say how stupid I feel about all of this. This is going to be more like a vent.

    To make it a short story…
    I was involved with a guy who was unavailable (he was supposedly in a not “fulfilling” relationship). I was only friends with him at first for a long time then I guess we started having feelings for each other. I never said my feelings to him because I knew he was in a relationship, even though he was unhappy. One night when we were both alone and came back from a night out (he was playing a gig) we had a couple of drinks and he ended up kissing me, and well we ended up making out…but nothing too much happened and that was all there was to it. But yes, I did care for him deeply. I knew I shouldn’t have let him kiss me…but it’s hard to stop when he’s made a move and you like the dude?

    A week later he ended up apologizing to me and I felt this anger and sadness towards him. In a way my heart was broken as I figured he wouldn’t quit his current relationship. It took me a while to forgive him but I accepted him as a friend again. Although it was a long road to recovery and I became a hardened person around him.

    Recently, we finally got back to really talking again one on one. He gave me a ride back home and nothing happened. Then two nights ago I went to his show and afterwards he had a bit more to drink. I should have seen it coming but he ended up kissing me again and I ended up falling for it. I feel like I’m weak. It’s kind of like the feeling of throwing myself into traffic, haha! His kisses just melt me and I couldn’t stop him. He has said I’m an amazing kisser and I liked how he kissed me too. But that night especially I felt like I gave a lot of myself to him as I still had feelings for him. We didn’t do anything more than just kissing again but for some reason it just felt more special. I felt tons of sparks. After it ended I could even feel the doped up sensation you have when you are in love. I knew I was in love with him. I ended up telling him that I really liked him that night.

    Now here’s where I’m angry at myself and feel stupid. He’s NEVER going to end his relationship so why does he feel the need to kiss me? I also feel bad because even though he’s not in a good relationship, I still feel like I’m betraying the person he’s dating. I talked to one trustworthy person about this and he told me that he thinks that he just wants to have sex with me, like a sex buddy. This kind of makes me feel sad. I really felt for this guy and really trusted him as a decent person and he really doesn’t have any feelings for me at all? Just wants to use me for sex?

    Another reason I feel stupid is because I feel like his gf is making it up with him and their relationship. The other day I saw that she goes “I LOOOVE YOU!!!” on his facebook wall and lots of people commented “Aww how sweet!” “What a cute couple! Let’s do a double date!” “She’s a great catch!” and I saw that he “liked” all his comments. I guess after I saw that I felt kind of angry because he was all over me the other night. I just don’t think he values me as a person at all.

    More than a week has passed by and I still haven’t heard for him…I’m kind of doubting he’s going to apologize to me at all this time. I’m just wondering how can someone be like this and not feel bad about hurting someone else? Guess it kind of makes me sick and yeah, it was dumb enough for me to get into this kind of drama. How does that saying go? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”?

    At least he’s given me what I need to truly let go and move on. I just don’t really understand it. I thought we were close and we clicked on a level… didn’t think he’d be that type of guy, etc…

    My question is, should I contact him at all or just leave it? The only thing I’d do by contacting him is giving him a piece of my mind but I fear it will just anger me. Also should I delete him or block him on my FB or brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal? The thing is I only told one person about this whole thing and would like to keep it a secret. So I’m worried if I ended up deleting him mutual people might start to wonder why…

    I understand that this is partly my fault and am taking some of the blame on my actions. I wish I could control my feelings better. This is why I usually don’t get so close to people…

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by anon.
    • This topic was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by anon.
    #38741
    anon
    Participant

    Please excuse any typos, lol.

    #38761
    Matt
    Participant

    Anon,

    Did he say he is never going to leave his other relationship? Have you considered talking to him about it? Do you know where he is at or are you imagining/guessing/assuming? He may be just as mixed up as you are!

    When friends dabble with “more than friends” it can get confusing fast. If both sides don’t know what the other sees/thinks/feels then both might make up the other side incorrectly, and make decisions based on false information.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #38763
    Tera
    Participant

    One the one hand, It feels so good when someone cares about you and gives you so much attention. You feel so wanted, but then it sends mixed messages because he is already in, from what you can tell, a committed relationship. The weird thing is that you can never really know what’s going on with a person. They may show all the signs of a happy and committed relationship on the surface but that doesn’t mean it’s really the case. Even if he is in a happy relationship with someone else it still doesn’t change the fact that people get bored with the same thing all the time, and also it doesn’t change his attraction to you. On some level he probably knows he knows he can’t have you and that makes him want you even more. Adding alcohol just means he is letting go of his inhibitions.
    What do you think you should do at this point? Since you can’t know for certain what he wants, the only thing you can really do is decide on what you want and go from there. Do you want something more? How do feel about yourself? That’s where you really have your power.

    #38769
    Lisa
    Participant

    Oh boy do I know this scenario! I’ve found myself in it before and it is so tough, especially at the stage you are right now in terms of timing. Believe it or not, the easiest thing to do is also going to be the hardest. Here’s my humble opinion: You are worth more than this suffering that you are experiencing and re-experiencing. What that means is, you deserve a guy who is unattached, whole and who is comfortable enough to be honest with you and all who are around him. It seems to me that your self-esteem, sense of self-worth is low right now and you are hoping for his attention, which will give you a temporary high (and a very good one at that!), but it is temporary. Building your own self worth and having a knowing about what you need from a partner will ultimately bring you joy, happiness, contentment and the right person. When that happens, you’ll already be walking around feeling great. Then when you get attention, affection, and caring from someone it will be the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. So, I think it is best to completely distance yourself from this scenario, get some professional help (therapist), and begin to use the tools available to you to build a deep sense of wholeness with or without a partner. The sooner you employ this distancing, the sooner you can begin to heal. And, please take solace in the fact that many men can find someone attractive, kiss, etc., and walk away without feeling attached (which feels like love to us women often times). Most of us ladies are not wired that way. It is not our fault. Evolution has taught us that if we want to fulfill our deep rooted instinct to find mates and have children (even though you may not be thinking this way, it is rooted deep down in us) that we must adjust ourselves in any way we think potential mates might find attractive, which means fussing over our hair, make up, clothing, even personalities. But, it is only the relationships that are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and real compassion that have any lasting power. Building self-esteem is not about constructing a wall around yourself to keep closeness away, it is not to be used a protective mechanism. It is a necessary and wonderful feeling to know exactly who you are, what you want, and what you deserve, so that if the day comes when you are in a relationship and the other person causes you pain or even ends it, you will feel pain, confusion, tears, etc., but you will not be devastated or empty, because he is/was only the icing on the cake. Now, in order to get him out of your mind, you have to replace that thought every time it comes up with something else–anything will do. Or go and do something that will distract you. I like to go down to the stream and throw rocks in the water. Each rock represents something I’m letting go of. Whatever works for you. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS and you will be better for it! Yours in harmony, LS

    #38771
    Tera
    Participant

    For me personally, I like the No Contact rule. Because in that situation it’s hard to keep from getting hooked back in by your own emotions, and theirs. With NC you don’t have to figure anything out, or rack your brain trying to know what will happen. You just keep it simple. Your life is precious and your time is valuable. There are billions of people in this world, and I am sure many of them people would just love to be with you.

    #38786
    anon
    Participant

    @Matt, I know that he’s definitely not going to leave his relationship. If he was going to he would have already left it. I can understand why he’s still in the relationship. It’s vital for “business” relations and they have the same goals and desires. It’s just hard to accept. And yes, I even asked him why is he still with her the night that kissed me. Before he took me home that night I can already tell his gf was trying to make up to him and she told him that she loved him and even wanted him to kiss her. He seemed like he was resisting it…not sure why. I have a feeling he was trying to cover it up so he could be close to me that night.


    @Tera
    , yes it does get confusing. He might be bored or it’s just not a good relationship. I think he usually doesn’t get as much attention as he used to anymore. I mean he’s been with her for about 9 or 10 years now I think. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason he likes me is because I’m giving him the attention also. I wonder if he would go for any girl that does? I’m not sure what I see in him. I know I am physically attracted to him and we share common interests. I felt we had a deep bond at one point. I felt entirely comfortable being around him. He seems interesting and charismatic. He’s fun. But he does tend to flirt, a lot… However, I have a hard time finding anyone that “clicks” as well as he does. I know I haven’t dated much guys and that I’m still young but that doesn’t make it any easier. I dunno, maybe he’s kissed other girls? And yes, I definitely want something more. “Friends with benefits” doesn’t slide well with me especially if someone else is still in a relationship.

    With your no contact rule, do you still think I should unfriend him on facebook? Or would keeping him there matter? Every time I see his name pop up it kind of angers me, but I do have him hidden in my newsfeed and I’m fighting the urge to look at his profile…


    @Lisa
    , thanks for relating. I have definitely thought of some of the things you said before. Personally I have to admit I’m not totally happy with myself at this moment and know I need to improve. The thing though is I didn’t even expect to fall in love… I wasn’t even looking, it just happened. I’ve been single for a few years now, I’ve dated but nothing has ever made me want more. I still need to work on myself though so I agree with what you have said and that I should probably distance myself and see what makes me happy on my own. Letting go is hard, but sometimes it has to be done.

    Thanks everyone for your input and insight without judgment. It’s truly appreciated!

    #38922
    anon
    Participant

    I’m already going through withdrawals… this is hard. 🙁 Even when I try to be busy, I can’t concentrate and I keep thinking about him. I know it would be bound to happen but ugh! 🙁 Do I really have to let him go??

    #39124
    anon
    Participant

    Don’t know if anyone is still tuning in to this, but I still haven’t contacted him. It’s very hard but I’m trying to stay strong. My heart feels empty but it’s been worse. What pains me is that I feel like I still expect a call from him to see what he feels. Is he not even sorry or does he even care? Does he not care if he loses me as a friend this time?? I guess I find that’s kind of sad. I still miss him even though I know we could be nothing more. Why do things seem so right at the time even though it’s wrong? Guess that was just being irrational. I know he is wrong for me anyway. I just find it hard to let people go when they were a big part of your life. I’m no longer angry unless I really think back. Don’t know what to do. Guess I could keep the distance a while longer and see what happens… do you think I should be able to take him back as a friend ever?

    #185013
    noah
    Participant

    Stumbled upon this trying to look for how conflict is represented in characters of film… and ended up reading through the entire thread – your situation seemed very dire, I hope all has worked out now!!

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